Now I’m no Grinch. I love a good a piss up as much as the next man. Even if the next man happens to be Oliver Reed, Peter O’Toole, Richard Harris or George Best, (may they all rest in glorious peace). But there comes a time when you have to stand up and say enough is fucking enough. As I type this, the time is; 00:10, 6/11/16. At approximately 23:55 on 05/11/16, I saw my first Christmas advert from one of the big stores.
Do you know what my overriding memory of LAST Christmas was? Standing in a queue at Debenhams in Manchester City centre, behind a woman who smelled as though she hadn’t bathed/showered for at least a month. And this was around 20th of December 2015, and it was pretty fucking cold, so you could probably add another month to my estimate. I would have walked away, but I really wanted my jar of boiled sweets. Along with excessive alcohol consumption, they’re the only thing that keep me sane.
I quite like the Christmas market we get every year. The giant bratwurst hotdogs bring great memories of being stationed in Germany. What I absolutely hate, is the recent tradition of the likes of John Lewis, Debenhams etcetera, doing these “tear jerking” adverts. I mean fuck……off! I will not be opening my wallet in your stores because you show an advert in which a paedo on the moon is spying on a young girl. In my view, Christmas is from the 14th December to the 26th, then it’s over for another year, and I can begin planning the fucking awesome New Year party for my mates, in my Man Cave.
Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw
Well yeh i fucking hate them and fucking christmas cards as well fucking dust collectors ,please dont tell me the fucking kinnocks will be a carol singing this year ,that would be the iceing on the fucking cake,dont forget santa spelt backwards reads satan,that sum it it all up for me,its all a cunt.
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When I was a kid we were so poor in our house, that on Christmas morning if I didn’t wake up with a hard on, I had fuck all to play with..
Whoever invented Christmas should be nailed to a fucking cross….
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Can I cunt Poverty Porn ?. Thid id because the local cinema has been showing the new Ken Loach film about a man ,unemployed through illness and his struggle with the benefits system. I should add that these situations do exist and people are treated badly. What pissed me off was the cinema noticeboard where you can put a post-it with your thoughts on the film. It was wall to wall middle class liberal cunts putting stuff like”this should not be happening in 2016″, “we should all be ashamed” “we must DO something”. You would need to be deprived of all senses to not know about such things surely?.A trip to any town centre would sort that out you would think.I worked in benefits offices for 20 yrs and found there were very few of these hardfaced cunts working there, also dealing with blatant lying,junkies and alkies day in day out would test anyone.Delusional hand-wringing fuckwitted nimby clueless cunts
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Very well said mary .
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Thanks ANDZ. There was one good comment on that notice board though “so-called gritty drama is merely science fiction for the middle classes” bloody brilliant!
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I wonder if they will make a film about a mate of mine; skived off the dole for 15 years pretending to be mental then got MS, had his council house completely done out and a brand new mobility car (mazda m3 if I recall) before karking it after all the tabs he smoked all paid for by his dole money. Of course some of the tabs might have been bought with the money he made out of working on the side, soft drug dealing and fencing knock off, who knows? Not a word of a lie.
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Why in the name of titty fucking christ do we eat turkey at christmas? We don’t eat it at any other time of the year and for very good reason, it tastes like a shit version of chicken.
Last christmas I had a take away pizza. I fucking hate christmas…..
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Glad I am not the only one Skidmark. Haven’t liked Christmas for absolute years. It’s the forced bonhomie that gets me.
When I was working and the dreaded office Christmas party came around some cunt who doesn’t talk to you from one day to the next would feel obliged to have a chat. Fuck off, not interested cunt.
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Apart from the fact that Christmas is a commercially hijacked sack of overblown unicorn wank that starts in April, how in the happy horse shit can pubs charge the thick end of £100 per head on a glorified Sunday dinner? “Shall we book a table at the pub on the day, or buy a holiday cottage in the dales? The price is about the same”.
It’s the same Sunday pub roast with tinsel and holly draped round its arse? I usually like a bit of roast pheasant but I won’t buy from a butchers and pay nearly £9 a brace when I can go out, shoot my own and clean and prep them for a fraction of the cost. Everyone’s out to rip people off.
It also gets on my arse when these over-excited mumsnetter’s and self proclaimed village-hall legends refer to December 25th as “The Big Day”. Is it fuck. It might be to them with their sisterhood gift-comparing gunfights and their who-can-piss-the-highest olympics, but for average blokes who don’t buy into all the crap, it’s not worth getting wet over. Just another day to me. It gives me a seriously rare chance to do fuck all and have a break.
If they want to have a mass jill party over little darling Poppy Kitson Petronella’s new horse, that’s their deal. Good luck to them. Trudging round shopping centres near Christmas is a total fuck-out. People fighting each other for crappy shit that they can get cheaper online anyway. Buy an umbrella and sharpen the tip.
Eddie Hitler from Bottom got it right…
“Poor little mite…what a way to spend your first Christmas”
“What…laying on your back with a bottle in your mouth…it sounds pretty good to me”.
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i will no doubt visit my great aunt at the care home i will take some al jolson cds with a me i will blacken her face and we will sit and listen to them ,we did same last year every one gets involed including the staff we have a good time and we will sink a few sherrys as well,happy days.
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Well the BBC christmas party will be in full swing very soon ,and of course dont forget the fucking biggest one in the universe the british fucking gas one,i wonder what the fuck will happen this year,ive heard scrooge will be turning up to the british gas one ,and no doubt the BBC will be having plenty of fuck wits fucking about prob some kinda sex show fronted by rantzen.
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I don’t know if it’s an xmas ad, but there is an ad doing the rounds with that cunt Beckham in it.
I don’t know what he’s advertising, but what guy would buy something coz Beckham is wearing it. The rule for me is , if Beckham, CR7, or any other posing sap is wearing it then i ain’t.
Ad agencies would save a lot of money if they realised these cunts are seen as jokes……..
Christiano Ronaldo boxer shorts?, i fucking ask you…..
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PS. Migraines are cunts.
Three fucking days in a dark room with no telly or ISAC………..
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Cunt he may be, but at least Becks isn’t a poove…Ronaldo is a sausage bandit, without a doubt….
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Apparently Heather Mills is getting a new false leg for Christmas….
It’s not her main present…just a stocking filler….
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I don’t care what you say about heather mills.
When she married a Beatle, she really landed on her foot
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Undoubtedly a cunt now, but a good few years ago, I’d have been up Heather Mills like a rat up a drainpipe:
http://www.imagebam.com/image/0f8326188678417
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Poor old Macca. eh? He bagged her when she was past it and legless… And for all of Macca’s George baiting throughout the years, Harrison should have flicked Paulie the V’s and said, ‘I got to jump Pattie Boyd, so fuck you, you cunt!’…
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I’m cunting man made global warming.
Trump dosent believe in it.
And the crazy fucker is correct.
I have a degree in earth science and a masters in climatology.
Just so u know that I’m not just spouting.
I got these under my belt prior to the religion of global warming being the new Islam.
It’s an industry.
Scientists who sign up get lucrative grants and new jobs.
Scientists who disagree get finished.
The world is still pulling out of the last ice age and temps are expected to rise, as they are.
They are abusing this fact.
I’ll keep it simple but the warming lobby tell you that carbon dioxide is causing the planet to warm to a level where we will be generally flooded in 50 years.
That this CO2 is produced by us burning fossil fuels. Material that is naturally on this planet.
The amount of CO2 which Mount St. Helens blew out over 2 days when it blew in the early 80’s is less than the industrialised world has exhaled in the last 30 years.
You think the earth would rig up a system whereby it’s natural exhaust gas would render all life impossible?
I went to a lecture last year where I actually heard an advocate of warming say that when the temp reaches a certain level, plants will reverse and start to breath in oxygen and breath out CO2 and destroy the planet.
Utter lunacy.
I did my degree 20 years ago before the thought nazis took hold.
They still told us that in 20 years, London, Holland and Maldives would be under water.
Result- no sea level rise.
Then they said it would flood the Maldives but not rise in Europe till later.
Gibberish as a connected body of water will rise universally.
Told us ice caps would all be gone-
Northern ice caps reached a 50 year high last winter.
Man made global warming is an industry which off shoots globalisation.
And it will die with the death of its master.
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Sorry typo
Meant that the amount of CO2 blown out by mount St. Helens in 2 days is more than the industrialised world has contributed in last 30 years
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Great stuff Lord F.
What about that pratt Al Gore winning the Nobel prize after banging on about climate change and rising sea levels.
Didn’t deter the cunt from buying a $8.9m dollar beach front property.
Probably spouted this crap to lower the price.
Inconvenient truth my arse..
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Another gravy train cunt that al gore.
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Doesn’t stop the cunt flying round the world in his private jet either…
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” a body of water will rise universally”
I was listening to the Aussie Dr Karl on five live once and he claimed that water levels are higher and lower in different parts of the globe.
I’m no scientists and neither is “Dr” Karl but that sounds fucking nonsense to me .
I always liked Karl apart from his manmade climate change shite , but after that, i never listened to the doss cunt again.
Also , if the worlds temperature rises by a couple of degrees , it will be Armageddon. Well , last night at 8 O’Clock it was 15 degrees, finite at 8 it was 17 degrees and nothing blew up.
Bag a shite…………..
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Tonight at 8 it was 17 degrees……how the fuck did tonight come out as finite?……
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You get water level changes on a daily basis depending on what the moon is up to tidally.
You don’t however get the lion share of the ocean deciding to decend upon the Maldives for good the hell of it.
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That’s what i was getting at.
He was saying its already higher in certain parts of the globe ( he called it a bulge ) when we all know that, that cunt gravity wouldn’t let it happen………
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Yeah gravity causes a bulge but it last but a few hours, in line with the pull of the moon.
Not a permanent bulge in one spot.
A permanent couple of degree arise all over the earth would cause major issues.
Not happening though.
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Earth science degree my arse. Where from, university of woga woga land? Did you know the world is flat too? Never read so much coblers.
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What is wrong with that? Wo*a Wo*a land? FFS.
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Nothing. Wog is caught in the moderation filter until I release it.
Anyway, there’s two g’s in wogga you ignorant cunt. 😁
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It’s true. Sea level varies. It’s to do with the pull of the moon, the spin of the earth and the fact that the earth isn’t a perfect globe.
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Yes skidmark.
Liverpool uni.
Although I’m sure u will find some comedy scouse based gag to make that sound shite though.
Also worked as a geologist for 12 years.
I’m not on research grants though so I’m happy to admit that there is no link.
I would have thought that a man of your class would have had the nouse to see through this scam!
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I don’t know if this is true or not, but I read somewhere that when Krakatoa erupted back in 1883 (ok, yes, I fucking Googled the year) it threw a load of ash and dust and other shit right up into the atmosphere, which caused temperatures all around the world to drop. And apparently, temperatures stayed low until well into the 1980’s, when they started returning to their pre-eruption temperatures.
Like I said, I have no idea if it’s true or not. It couldn’t be any more ridiculous than the piles of horse shit that believers keep coming up with.
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It is true. They told us that when we went there.
Yes, I’ve been to Krakatoa and walked up the side of it. It’s getting taller by two metres a year, gives off poisonous fumes at the top and will eventually go bang again. Not any time soon tho’
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Think only Dick has a permanent bulge in one spot……..
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how many parts per million of the atmosphere comprises of co2 400 parts per million! so if co2 increases by 10% ( which it won’t) it would still only be 440 parts per million. are these green nutters really saying that is going to have the dire consequences they are forever fuckin going on about ? the 97% consensus is very dodgy as well.
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Its the very fact that CO2 only comprises a low percentage of the atmosphere that a small increase can lead to such large results.
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On the subject of Xmas adverts, fuck Tesco and their so fake it hurts commercials… Ruth Jones is a fucking cunt….. Like she struggles at Christmas, or shops in Tescos…. Fuck off!
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Worthy of a cunting of its own, Brydon and Jones! There’s one in the pipeline…
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Dio…it’s Ben Miller with Ruth Jones in the Tesco ads.
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This is a good point.
I didn’t write it, but now I’m going to have to correct it.
Bugger…
Brydon is still a whining welsh cunt tho’
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Fucking hell, so it is… Apologies to Mr Brydon…
But him and Miller are quite similar… A bit like when Spitting Image all had Hoffman, De Niro, and Pacino all acting and talking the same thing at the same time…
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Only good thing Jones has ever been in is Saxondale (and that was because of Coogan)…
Stella is a pile of wank and Gavin and Stacey is the most overrated load of shite since The Royle Family…
Those old Tesco ads with that ‘professional northerner’ and total luvvie cunt, Jane Horrocks, were fucking awful too…
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One of the worst Xmas ads? Dawn fucking French doing the Chocolate Orange commercial… I’ll never forget what my dad said when he saw it… French said on the advert ‘It’s not Terry’s… It’s mine!’ To which my old man replied to the TV screen, ‘I can see that, you fat bitch!’
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