Weevils

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Weevils are cunts.

Found some in an old-ish bag of flower in the kitchen. The Fleawife sieved a few out and offered them for my inspection. “Pick one” she says. “I’ll have the little one” says I.

“Ah”, she retorts, “I see you’ve gone for the lesser of two weevils”

Fucking weevils. I hate the cunts.

Nominated by: Fleaboy

12 thoughts on “Weevils”

  1. What a load orf padding to get to a shite punch line. Used in Captain and Commander? And many a Christmas cracker. Bastards can be hard to kill though.
    Remember “The weevil that men do doth live after them”

    • Master and Commander old boy… decent film too, Crowe played it well although aparently not quite rotund enough to be historically faithful.

      Iron Maiden did a great track ref you’re latter quote; trivia…

      • Woops. I’m an alliterative old cunt. Shall we split it doine the middle and go for Cunt and Commander?

  2. Are they those little sticky beetle things that are a bitch to get off you? lol

  3. I’d like to cunt Rachel Riley. She’s been on ‘Countdown’ for seven years now and not ONCE has she EVER knocked on my door and demanded I go down on her for several weeks.

    What an ungrateful cunt.

  4. Vine weevils – cunts. They seem to be born immortal, have excellent flame-retardant properties (I tried cremating one of the fuckers with a cooks’ torch, it took some therms I can tell you) and they hide better than a Stasi agent, waiting to surprise you. They eat everything above and below ground. Only way to kill them is to grind them into the back yard/patio/veranda. Talking of irritating little fuckers that won’t go away I’ll be lining that wonky eyed shitbag Nicky er er er Morgan soonish. She’s a complete educationally retarded twat bitch.

    • That’s why she got the job.
      Did you hear the pack of lies she was trotting out this morning on behalf of Project Fear? Useless bitch.

    • In terms of intumescence, the middle eastern Weta has to take the cake.

      Had a pussy of a room mate who would freak out at the sight of any insect bigger than a gnat.

      One drunken afternoon a Weta wanders into our digs and makes it’s way accross the floor in the general direction of matey.

      Que full on screaming fit by a grown man, like something out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon. The cunt was actually stood on his bed and screaming like a bitch ‘Get rid of it!! For fuck sake get rid of it!!!!’

      Okey doke. Out comes a can of Lynx and a lighter.

      The first blast burned off the antennae and stubby little wings….. The Weta keeps coming.

      A second longer blast set it alight….it stops, drops and rolls…..and then keeps coming.

      Holy shit! These things are built out of asbestos! It gets a fucking good blast that chars it black (along with the tiles on the floor).

      Now functioning on about one and a half legs, it still keeps coming.

      Matey is now screaming at a pitch only dogs can hear.

      Tired of wasting precious deodorant, I twat it with a work boot, to be more precise, matey’s work boot.

      At this point the effects of cheap vodka and the stench of burned Weta and Lynx prompt me to nonchalantly stroll outside and projectile vomit onto the lawn.

      Let this be a lesson to always twat first and immolate later. Particularly when dealing with Wetas.

  5. They have excellent balance though, “Weevils wobble but they don’t fall down”.
    I’ll get me coat…

  6. From personal experience course ground black pepper makes weavils disappear! (Though not as you hopped).
    I had contaminated pasta in a load of humanitarian aid (ps, thanks for the time expired shit, really worth send that) any way you can’t chuck food away in front of hungry people, so a few instant soups for a sauce lots of black pepper, hey presto no weevils!

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