“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s Health Correspondent Ron Knee speaking. New data indicates that 60% of Britons are overweight, and the New Year sees the launch of yet another government initiative aimed at tackling obesity. I’m joined by none other than The Grim Reaper himself to discuss the ramifications of this from his perspective. Now erm, Mr err, Reaper…”.
“Oh don’t stand on ceremony, old boy. All my friends call me Dave”.
“Ah, thanks Dave. So what’s your take on all this?”.
“Well I regard this as the thin end of the wedge. I mean, it’s got real implications for the job market. If people are healthier they live longer, and that affects me. I might have to put some of the boys on part time or even lay them off. It’s nothing less than restraint of trade”.
“But surely the nation should be encouraged to follow a healthier diet”.
“Yeah, but there’s ‘encouragement’ and downright interference. Take last night, for instance. I got back to the crypt after a hard day’s reaping, and I’d treated myself to an eighteen inch pizza, large portion of chips and a six pack. I’d just finished that lot, sparked up a tab and settled back to watch the big match, when the missus comes in and starts giving it large on the subject. A man can’t even escape from it in his own crib anymore”.
“Goodness. Going on a bit was she?”.
“You don’t know the half of it Ron. ‘Just look at the state of this place, chip paper everywhere’ she says. ‘And look at the state of YOU. When we got married, you was nothing more than a bag of bones, now you’re at least three stone without yer cloak and scythe. Haven’t yer heard about this new initiative? Yer need a change of lifestyle’. Christ on a bike”.
“Now that’s laying it on. What did you do?”.
“Do? I bloody told her, didn’t I? Listen, I says. ‘Change of lifestyle’ my arse. Bleeding ‘initiative’. There’s too much government busy-bodying these days. If people want to stuff junk food down their necks, balloon up to fifty stone lardarses and put yet more strain on our over-burdened health services, that’s their business. I’ll give her ‘change of lifestyle’; I’m Death, for fuck’s sake. Daft cow”.
“Mmm… so you reckon there should be less official interference in people’s lives then. Did she take your argument well?”.
“Erm… not really. I was hoping to get my leg over after the game, but she still wasn’t speaking to me this morning… *brruuup brruuup* oh hang on, better take this… hello Reg. What’s that? New Covid variant in China? Okay, be right with you. Sorry Ron, work calls. Must dash”.
“So there you have it. We did ask whether a Government spokesperson would care to comment, but were told that no-one was available as they’re all working from home. This is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”.
Nominated by: Ron Knee