Remote/Online Meetings

I’m looking to get back into the IT game and all jobs are remote with 1 day a week in the office. Luckily my last gig was dealing with a bunch of people located all over the country so plenty of practice for the ‘new normal’ of online meetings and remote working.

The thought of having to conduct Zoom meetings with a bunch of people you can either barely understand doesn’t exactly fill me with joy. On top of that your online meeting is usually punctuated with video stream freezing, cunts with no sound or no video or just dropping out. Then there’s cunts who turn up late and you have ‘catch them up’ the late, lazy cunts. Every meeting starts with ‘Hello everyone. Can you hear me?’

And apparently as a manager its no use trying have a conversation with a group of people to arrive at consensus because it doesn’t liberate the quiet ones. Now you have to design a ‘narrative arc’ beforehand like a NY Times Best Seller and facilitate better than the Commons Speaker with techniques like Lean Coffee and 1-2-4-All to get all the cunts to speak in turn without dominating the conversation.

Fuck this. Wish I could win the lottery. Maybe I should just become a Madame? Perhaps I could innovate the historic industry by having an e-commerce store where you can add your escort to basket, check out securely with Paypal and see all reviews on Trust Pilot.

Nominated by: Cuntologist

41 thoughts on “Remote/Online Meetings

  1. The only good thing to be derived from Teams/Zoom meetings is the ability to have a nose at the dirty shitholes some members live in.
    Soiled clothes piled high in the background, stained walls and sometimes gormless looking random people walking into frame in the background.

    • Soiled clothes piled high and stained walls? The dirty, lazy cunts!

      I gawp as well, can’t help it. Do it all the time watching Talk Radio – Oh look at his place I think, what boring/misplaced art work, or blimey he has a lot of books etc.

      Also some of them sit in the dark on purpose as well. Twats.

      • My employer has cottoned on to these meetings, out of necessity at first due to Covid, but will keep doing them because of all the money it allegedly saves. I say allegedly because you can pretty much guarantee it will take twice as long as it should, and longer if you have pensioners with hearing aids or people who can’t understand the concept of the mute button joining participating. You do get to see some very odd behaviour as well, I saw one where a high ranking professional ate a meat pie out of a bag then tore the bag open and licked the inside all over, another knobshiner took part lying in bed with just his head sticking out of the covers. It is a disturbing contrast of the supposed marvels of technology and a society seemingly going backwards. I do enjoy the bits where people forget about the microphone and the organiser, and start calling each other cunts and insulting each others mothers and so on though, hours of fun

  2. I have setup loads of people onto VCC since covid/lockdowns kicked in last year, with loads of office types now working from home.

    During testing of Zoom/Teams, I have seen so many twats on their webcams dressed in their PJs, dressing gowns, onesies or some such shite gear, hair uncombed, and looking as if they haven’t washed in months! And most of these cunts are sales execs, accountants and middle managers.

    I would like to think when they they go live with their conference calls they make an effort to look a bit more presentable.

    But I guess this is now the future. Going to the office will be a thing of the past for some. But it sure makes for interesting comparisons between formal meetings in the office with everyone looking professional, and so-called formal Zoom meetings from home and everyone looking as if they’ve just crawled out of bed…. which for some is probably very close to the truth!

    • “Going to the office will be a thing of the past for some. ”

      I’m waiting for the day when companies realise that if the job can be done from home then that home can be anywhere in the world, especially where people earn £1 per day. Let’s see then how popular WFH is in this country.

  3. Cheer up Cuntologist!
    Could be worse as jobs go.
    Could be washing shitty arses
    Or out in the rain covered in mud.
    All jobs have pros an cons.
    It pays the bills is all that matters.
    To be honest though I couldn’t do it.
    Id rather mop out public shithouses.
    😀

    • My patience wears thin for dealing with cunts face to face never mind Zooming and technology bellendary. That said, just stopping mid sentence and freezing while some other knob end yells “Hello? Hello? Can you hear me, your frozen” would be just too tempting.

      • “Technology Bellendary”

        Brilliant!

        I must add that to my CV and customer tenders for future IT work.

        “Mr Technocunt, age 57.
        Fully Microsoft, HP, Symantec and Citrix certified, with 27 years of IT Bellendary under his belt!”

        Cheers!

  4. I thank Dog fasting that I’m retired.
    I really could not put up with remote meetings, I’m not that great with technology.
    In fact, until fairly recently, I thought Zoom was an ice lolly.

  5. The way to scare everyone is to say “Right everyone, stand up please!”

    Because the blokes may be wearing shirt and ties, and the women wearing their power jackets, but nobody is wearing any pants.

    At least I don’t. I’ve had surprise meetings with important (in their own minds) people with my tackle out.

    Cats need to be locked away too. They have a thing about standing between you and the monitor, every single fucking time. I’ve seen close ups of about 9 cat arses on these calls so far.

    • Meetings on the whole don’t really achieve anything. You need benevolent dictators to give um a good dressing down and tell it how it is.

  6. I like zoom team meetings because if theirs a lot of cunts on it i can switch video off and fall asleep , something i can never do during face to face meetings.

    • Oh I don’t know. I used to sleep during model reviews and hazops (enigneering) and, being the client, no-one ever said anything. They probably thought I was a right cunt, but I didn’t give a fuck as my client just kept on paying me.

    • My job is to put people into break out rooms, make them discuss something and report back to the group. You wouldn’t get away with it lol!

  7. I don’t know about work, but I’ve had a couple of zoom piss ups with my mates, one of them is a continent away so a regular drinky would be out of the question.
    Much better than fuck all, I put it on the big screen with the cinema sound, it’s almost like they’re in the room.
    Don’t have to clear up after them either!

    • Its alright when its for fun. Happy Zooming. Though if you’re Edward Snowden then you’d be paranoid you’re being watched.

      • If someone somewhere had the time to listen to the crap we come out with then the world is truly fucked.
        As far as I’m concerned, everything to do with work sucks rats cocks, so I’m glad I only do it for fun 🙂

  8. Here’s my thing about technology.
    I’d just done a nomination post, when I was called to the door.
    When I came back, my phone had shut down.
    So now I don’t know if my DWP cunting was posted ( I’m sure I did), or if I’m going to have to type it all over again.
    Be good if you could alert us, got it twat would work for me.

  9. I think that meetings are generally a waste of time.

    There are companies that have meetings to discuss the agenda for the next meeting.

    Mrs Cunter has a friend that works for a council in England.
    She is in meetings all day and every day.
    Fuck all gets done.

  10. I struggle to send as much as a text…”Zoom” meetings would be a complete mystery to me.

      • Arterton of course, not the orange land whale Gemma Collins, for that you’d need a bigger screen or turn video off!

    • Text messaging is for deaf people or weirdos DFF. If I receieve a text which asks for a response I just phone the sender. If the call goes to voice-mail I just tell them to call me back when they’re free. Or I just delete the message.

  11. All Zoom meetings appear to begin with, “Hello, can anybody hear me, say something if you can hear me. Is there anybody there.?”
    A kind of online sèance….

  12. When getting really bored, I turn on the automatically generated captions in Teams. It’s quite accurate usually, but comes out with some howlers, especially from some folk from the sub continent.

  13. For some reason this came to mind while reading the nomination:

    https://youtu.be/lkCAaFhYev8?t=20

    I think it was the ‘hello’, ‘can you hear me’ part.

    There’s always that one person who doesn’t turn their mic off and you get either the noise of them mouth breathing, sounding like Darth Vader, until someone else has finally had enough and asks them to turn their mic off.

    In a previous job there was a person who was always late for meetings, but always had time to make a drink or stop at a certain coffee shop chain on the way and get a drink. Nobody ever said anything…

    Perhaps I’m old fashioned in that respect, but I’m a stickler for punctuality.

    Also present is

    ➣ The ‘derailer’ who waffles on about things that usually have sod all to do with the meeting.

    ➣ The ‘returner’ who keeps going back to the same thing over and over again and it’s already been decided.

  14. Ooh look!! Clare’s frozen.
    But her pussy is still quivering…

    I was training online for my Tax Office job, the set up was crap, and I was coming out with some choice epithets. So bad that a Glaswegian had to tell me to hit the mute button.
    I am now looking for something more tolerable, I came within seconds of causing an incident that would’ve hit MSM…

  15. Christ, I had problems with ordinary meetings. These Zoom meetings would probably see me hurling the monitor through the window.
    As someone has already mentioned, most meetings are a waste of time and, in my experience,many of the ‘ outcomes ‘ have been predetermined before the fucking thing has started.
    I have a proud record of disrupting meetings, from openly laughing at idiots, to making people leave the room in a huff, due to my blunt observations, thereby bringing the meeting to a premature end.
    Meetings that include Wimminz are a fucking nightmare.
    Thank fuck I escaped that living hell.
    The best thing I ever did was become a Sole Trader.
    No meetings.
    No cunts.
    Just load up.
    Jump in Defender.
    Fuck off.
    Carry out jobs .
    Return home with wallet full of bunce.
    Repeat.
    Sorted.
    Fook me ! There’s a Christmas advert on the fucking Idiot Lantern.
    It’s fucking September !
    Cunts.
    Get To Fuck.

  16. Never understood computers really.

    And these Fat Larry’s Band meetings are a mystery to me.

    My advice would be to get back in the office so you can have a face to face meeting with your colleagues.

    Throw all the computers in a skip and go back to pen and paper, telephones and telegrams.

    But then we wouldn’t be able to send a ‘snotty’ email to someone, – and we wouldn’t have the bollocks to convey the same message via a telephone conversation.

    We have wholeheartedly embraced the computer and become dependant on it.

    If the computer fucks up, or says no, everything stops, – everyone is fucked and hasn’t got a clue what to do.

    This situation delights the majority of office staff as it gives them the opportunity to toss it off until IT resolves the problem.

    The modern office and the mentality of its inhabitants are beyond parody.

    Dens of iniquity for people full of vacuous self importance.

  17. This is no fib or embellishment.

    One of our clients, a large UK water and wastewater company ran a Zoom H&S meeting for a number of its contractors, our company is one of these.

    Our teams were participating in the meeting, via the large flatscreen in our conference room. I poked my head in to say hello and noticed on the screen that one contractor’s staff was in bed, duvet pulled up around his neck, tousled hair nestling in a plump pillow. What a pisstaking cunt!

  18. How people are dim enough to fall for this thing of being seen eating a pie or having a wank is beyond me. If you have a separate camera unplug it and stick it in another room. If you are on a laptop with a built-in camera stick a label over it or a gob of blue tack. If someone complains they can’t see you just tell them it must be a fault on the system. I once attended a call where the user complained his laptop wouldn’t connect to the outside world. I was on the phone to a support guy at HP in the States when I booted up the machine. Almost immediately the HP man said; “Yes, I think I’ve got you. Are you the guy wearing the blue and yellow tie?” I was.

  19. Anything involving a live camera in my home and an audience I have no control over is a violation of my privacy, the GDPR, you name it. Just one more instance of mass surveillance becoming the norm.

    Though, admittedly, ‘privacy’ is an unknown concept for anyone under 40.

    Meetings are a waste of time, and, however disguised, designed only to give management cunts a chance to air their vapid opinions. It has been shown that the more participants in a meeting, the less likely a sensible outcome will be. Hopefully meetings will continue their evolution from timewasting break from doing something meaningful, in stuffy room with bad coffee, to timewasting break from watching porn, in stuffy bedroom with instant coffee, to efficient management with a clear plan, employees allowed to do their jobs, and no fucking meetings at all.

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