Noel Gallagher (2)

Noel Gallagher is (still) a cunt… The Bluenose fanny played his ‘Imagine’ rip-off ‘Don’t Look Crap In Anger’ and then old unibrow said, “It’s become some sort of anthem for defiance… And every time you sing, we win….”

So, that’s how we beat the Dago Armarda, Napoleon, the Krauts (first time), the Nazis (second time), the Japs, the Argies, and the IRA. is it?…. Also, what about the people who died at the hands of some psychotic sandnigga at the Arena and their families? Did they ‘win’?! Fuck off, you cunt!

Nominated by Norman

Don’t look back in anger ? To fucking right I will. Children blown to bits and we are told not to get angry. Fuck right off you coked up wanker!

Nominated by Vermin Cunt Spotter

Good ol’ Noel. Never miss out on a spot of griefjacking to resurrect his ailing career.

Mind you, if my guitar playing was as bad as his then I’d be reduced to tears too. Perhaps we can get him to do a concert in Mosul. That’ll teach ISIS not to mess with the Gallaghers…

Nominated by Keef

Proms in the Park

BBC deserve a double cunting. Proms in the park is held in London, Wales, Scotland and Ireland concurrently with the last night at the Albert Hall. The second half from the Albert is beamed live to all 4 parks. When it came to the end, Rule Brittana, Jerusalem and Land of Hope and Glory they stopped the feed to Scotland and Wales through fear of upsetting the SNP and CLyde Cumri cunts! Fucking BBC. Who gives a fuck as to whether we upset Scotch and Welsh independent cunts. I’m sure there were decent people in Scotland and Wales who wanted to sing along.

Nominated by Cunts and Roses

Jesus h fucking Christ on a bicycle! The BBC politically correct wankers are airbrushing history and tradition from last night of the proms. No Land of Hope and Glory in Wales or Scotland.

That’s fucking appalling. It’s traditional FFS and the Scots and Taffs have never been upset before! Just take look at the flags in the picture. I can spot a Welsh, Norweigan, Japanese. They don’t seem to be particularly upset!

That are some fucking total absolute cunts running this country these days and not just at the beeb. If Compo ever gets into number 10 we’ll be ending the proms with The Red Flag.

I fucking honestly and truly despair just how bloody stupid people can be…!

Nominated by Dioclese

Jennifer Lawrence (2)

Now we all know that Yanks are thick cunts and that Yank celebs are the thickest of the lot, but Jennifer Lawrence has taken thick Yank celebrity cuntitude to a whole new level by announcing that the devastating hurricanes in Texas and approaching Florida were signs of “Mother Nature’s rage and wrath” at America for electing Donald Trump and not believing in man-made climate change.

Now I know cunts like this will blame any and everything on Trump but just how fucking dim do you have to be to blame the weather on him?

Go back to flashing your tits in second rate movies darling and leave reality to the grown ups.

Nominated by Dioclese

A shitty fling – flinging shit.

Liam Smith, a Bristol student (groan) went on a first date with some unnamed bird he met on Tinder. They went to Nando’s for a meal and back to his gaff to watch a scientology documentary. Nando’s and scientology in one night – an interesting pulling technique.

After the ‘top notch’, no expense spared, peri peri chicken fired up her ringpiece, she needed a dump or maybe it was after watching Tom Cruise talking about some scientology shite. Anyway, after she had laid a log, she discovered it wouldn’t flush. Instead of dealing with a floater in the normal way, by drowning the shitstick with loo roll, she instead ‘claimed’ that she panicked and fished it out of the bowl, launching it out of the bathroom window.

First and foremost, what the fuck? Clearly a classy bird, lobbing a turd out of a window, in someone else’s home. Secondly, she didn’t check the window’s orientation, so it actually got trapped in a dead space 18 inches wide looking onto another window.

At that point she had to come clean about her dirty tale and tell Liam what she had done. After investigating, he thought about breaking the window but instead she – who is an amateur gymnast – decided to lean, head first, out of the fanlight window to reach it. Well, it didn’t work and she got wedged between the two windows – a VERY amateur gymnast. So Liam called the fire brigade who after pissing themselves laughing broke the glass to rescue her.

The cost of the replacement window was £300 and he said that is a large part of his monthly budget and he couldn’t afford it. So like any ‘normal person would do’  he set up a crowd funding page explaining the whole sorry saga. Shameless or what?….who the fuck puts their digits to the keyboard advertising this sad night out?

What’s even madder is that his front paid off, since the jammy fucker raised over £2000 in ONE day, well over the 300 quid target.

It seems the pair may also continue to see each other. He must like a ‘dirty scat-ty’ sort, so perhaps next time she will just squat over him and shit on his chest or the glass coffee table The kinky pair!

Anyway, I couldn’t really decide who were the bigger cunts in this story:  Liam or the female ‘shit-putter’ or the mugs who paid for his window. So I put it down to dumb-arsed students in general.

Nominated by Mike Oxard.


Cruise holiday bores

A Cunting for Cruise Hoilday Bores.

The talk of Branson’s private island has reminded me of a particularly tedious gent who used to come to my local on a quiet night,and proceed to bore the entire bar with tales of his latest cruise. You couldn’t ignore the Cunt,he had one of those braying voices like fingernails down a blackboard that is impossible to ignore. It was one of the few times where I’ve wished the bar had either a t.v or a juke-box…anything to drown the Cunt out.

Now I’ve nothing against people going away on holiday,but I don’t want to hear about it,and cruises seem to attract the type who think that anyone is interested. Cruises,from what I can make out,seem to be nothing more than a Benidorm-style all-inclusive holiday on a boat,aimed at retired old farts. The holiday-bore seemed to think that stuffing himself with as much seafood as an Orca at Seaworld was the peak of sophistication,and as for his description of dining at (Drumroll)….The Captain’s Table…Well,we mere mortals could only dream of such an honour. I must say, these Captains must have the patience of a Saint and nerves of steel not to introduce Maritime Law and have these self-opinionated,pompous windbags flogged and keel-hauled. Night after night of listening to Cruise-Man…cruel and unnatural punishment indeed.

We heard about the Entertainment,which seemed to consist of washed up cabaret acts and magicians who were desperately hoping that a Butlin’s talent-spotter would see their act and whisk them off to a better class holiday camp. The Casino,.where our hero apparently played baccarat with such success that people thought that he must have a “System”. He did,it involved him,in his imagination “winning big”, when all he’d really won was enough to top-up the leccy-meter when he got home.

As for the countries he visited…Well he was always a bit vague about that….”Oh,it was Thursday,that must have been Cadiz.” Didn’t stop him from holding forth on every country which he’d “toured” far half a day as if he was an expert in every aspect of it. In fact I think he only went ashore when he was virtually forced at cutlass point…probably too frightened of missing a free meal. The staff were all “ignorant brown Chinks” and he took great delight in tipping as little as he could. It’s my fervent hope that he’s remembered on a subsequent cruise and some cabin-staff poison the bastard.

Holiday bores are Cunts, but Cruise-holiday Cunts truly are Ocean-going, triple-funneled, iron-plated, twin-propeller driven, iceberg-dodging, bunting-flying, flag-waving Bores…. I hope Somalian pirates seize every fucking one of them….Absolutely NO ransom will be payed for their safe return…only for their dismembered corpses.

Perhaps Mo Farah might consider rejoining his Somalian countrymen and becoming a pirate when he retires….although No. I’m sure he wouldn’t do anything of the kind.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler.