Cold Feet

Cold Feet. The most banal shyte to currently smear liquid diarrhoea on the TV screen.

I really would love to yank the syrup from the stupid grinning turnip of that Oirish cuntbag James Nesbitt, hoof him in the beanbags with my knee and finally push him over into some hot, sticky dogshit.

Wow, what a cathartic.

Nominated by Paul Maskingback

Spot the jihadi [2]

Congratulations – if that is the right word in the circumstances – to Kravdarth who correctly predicted the next terror attack would be in London as our peaceful friends set off a bucket bomb at Parsons Green on the District Line earlier today.

So the slate is wiped clean and we move to round 2 of “Spot the Jihadi” with one guess per person please in the comments under this post.

As a side bet, what will Sadiq Khan say first about this latest atrocity? Will it be :

(a) “Not all muslims are terrorists”

(b) “Islam is a peaceful religion”.

(c) “Part of living in a big city”.

(d) “Hate will not divide us and we will stand united”

Winners no doubt revealed during the inevitable vigil. Meanwhile our thoughts go out to the 22 people injured. If it had denotated properly, then it would have been a lot worse.

Lad banter

Having spent a torturous evening out with ‘friends’, I would like to deliver a cunting to middle-class ‘lad banter’. So drained and driven to distraction am I by this fucking phenomenon tonight, I can’t cunt with much strength – but fuck me, I’ve got to get this down before bed.

I’m sure there’s a more succinct name for the phenomenon (apart from ‘cunt’ that is), but no, I’m not talking about hipsters or out-and-out geezers. Seeing a friend back from living abroad for a few years, it was good to catch up. Sadly he keeps many cunts for company. All asking each other if they want a “cheeky pint”. Endless sage agreement terminating in “awww mate” in faux-mockney accents that only cunts from Berkshire, Cambridgeshire and Hertfordshire can manage. The sort of cunt who orders a Hungryhouse while exclusively watching the Dave channel, giving it the fucking pub philosopher pseudo-cuntishness, interspersed with artificial football knowledge derived almost exclusively from playing Championship fucking Manager.

One cunt in particular, wearing a hoodie – a cunt in his late 30s, for the love of cunt – with ‘Punkers’ emblazoned on it in the style of the Snickers logo would not stop saying “mate”, “mate”, “mate”… the fucking word is riniging in my ears right now like mildly-concerning tinnitus after a Megadeath set. Grinding my teeth and trying so hard to ignore the cunt, my only solace was the warm comfort in fantasising about burying a fire-axe deep into his subhuman skull; fondly imagining the spasms and involuntary eye-rolling as the cunt finally falls silent and slumps beside his last ‘cheeky pint’.

There is a faint possibility of course that I am the real cunt and just hate most people in the world. But #ladsbanter is a monumental cunt and no mistake.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

Len McCluskey(2)

Len McCluskey is a commmunist cunt

Nominated by kravDarth

So, Red Len wants to bring down a democratically elected government through illegal strike action. Apparently this makes him a great freedom fighter like Mandela and Gandhi.

Let’s assume I earn £1,000 a week. I strike for a 5% pay rise which adds up to £2,500 per annum. So in 2.5 weeks on strike, I wipe out the pay rise. So by striking for 5 weeks, I’m taking a 5% pay cut for the year and after two years I’m back where I started.

Meanwhile, McCuntsky is still being paid his £130,000 per annum salary out of my union dues. That’s on top of the £417,000 that came out of union funds last year to help him buy a London flat just south of London Bridge with a view of the London Eye.

A true man of the people is our Len. Can I suggest that if he really wants to be a second Mandela, then we should oblige him by locking him up for 30 years?

Nominated by Dioclese

The Daily Mail (2)

It’s September so it’s time to slag off schools who try to enforce uniform rules. Most of the “stories” in the Mail are basically chavvy parents complaining about their precious offspring being forced to obey the same rules as everyone else. I admit that some headteachers can be a bit overzealous but in school the rules are the fucking rules.

The Daily Mail has certain stories it runs at certain times of the year but slagging off schools and teachers is one of their favourites. If there isn’t a way to slag off teachers then run a picture of Diana fucking Spencer. In August, the Mail always runs a story about how exams are too easy and it would better to bring back 1950s-style O-Levels. I predict in late October the Mail will go with tales about health and safety twats stopping a bonfire on Guy Fawkes’ Night and in the run up to Xmas, they will have stories about fuckwitted councils banning trees to avoid upsetting the peacefuls.

I know teachers are not popular with some folks here – mostly because some member of staff gave them a hard time in 1975 (hint: get over it snowflake). But 90%+ of school staff are not the Marxist ideologues of Paul Dacre’s fevered imagination but decent people trying to do a job with little help from the government, the gutter press or fuckwitted parents. The average conversation in a school staffroom is not about how to force your son to wear a fucking dress but about how a couple of little bastards in a class of thirty fucked up a lesson you had spent ages planning.

And remember, 90%+ of kids are well-behaved and do the right thing. It’s just that children are like farts – other people’s disgust you but you quite like your own.

Nominated by Cunt’s Mate Cunt