Use the comments section below to write up your cunt for a nomination.

We won’t write your cunt up for you. If you can’t be fucking bothered, neither can we – so don’t be a cunt by submitting a one liner


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[1] Posting in all lower case triggers the spam filter and automatically consigns your comments to oblivion.
[2] Don’t be a lazy cunt and use an eMoji as a name ‘cos it just gets binned and you’re wasting your time and ours.
[3] Write a nomination not War and Peace. We have to read it to check the content and we have better things to do! “Brevity is the soul of wit
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(5) Please write it up as it will appear to save us time correcting spelling, punctuation, paragraph spacing etc.


11 thoughts on “Nominations


    PLease prepare to put on your rubber knickers as you piss yourself laughing at the “joke” that is balding bespectacled Mr. Matthews.

    Who is he? well he is the motherfucker who reported a second sighting of Dominic C* mmings last week, but it was a “joke”

    I hope the cunt gets to laugh some more and the police arrest him for wasting their time, and for a really side-splitting routine he could receive a custodial sentence since this must fall under the “attempting to pervert the course of justice” law.

    As ever Guardian readers and up-their-own-arse Remainers are continuing to stir the shit. Perhaps Unkle Terry should be encouraged to do his worst.

  2. I nominate The Arts.

    Ballet, opera, theatre, music, art.

    We all know that 1000s of people depend on “the arts” for a living. Dancers, singers, musicians, actors, luvvies, box office staff, prompters, lighting engineers, tea makers, artists et al. And we further realise what a wuff time the poor darlings are having right now wiv no audiences. But why should they be subsidised anyway? Grants for this project, awards for that “workshop”. How is it that the posh middle classes get free money to support what THEY like while there is little or none for majority interests such as sport?

    The argument is that these splendid troupers are guardians of the nation’s culture and well-being. That we could not live without the wondrous “work” they do in uplifting our dreary little proletariat existence.

    Well, we seem to have survived for a good few months without this army of pretentious prats. I don’t hear of many folk sobbing because they can’t book to see Les Miserables or even Mama Mia. Let alone watching impossibly thin twats in tights poncing across a stage or improbably fat gits wailing in Italian.

    If (posh) people want this stuff then let them pay for it without taxpayers propping them up. The full price.

    The rest of us simply don’t need this array of subsidised snobbery.

  3. House husbands

    ‘Men’ who stay at home and look after the kids so the wife can have a career are cunts. They are a disgrace to the male of the species. I will add the caveat that it’s acceptable if the bloke has been injured in a war (or something) and can’t work.

    But I keep seeing TV shows where it seems a normal thing for a bloke to be the woman in the relationship while the woman goes to work. Even happened recently in a series called ‘Liar’ where a dark key male played the role of a faithful housewife. Never seen such a thing. Doesn’t happen.

    We do have plenty of honkies who do it though. Have an old mate who does just that. Pathetic to see him on Cuntbook wearing an apron and ”getting the kids’ lunchboxes ready”. What the fuck is all that about? I sometimes wonder if their wives strap on a huge dildo and roger their ‘men’ half to death of an evening. He didn’t take too kindly to me saying that he’s making himself look a tit by being the woman in the relationship and posting such shit. And that it’s a man’s job to provide for his woman. Truth hurts. Fuck it.

    It’s a fucking disgrace, as others are wont to say.

  4. Gordon Ramsey
    Surely this weapons grade treble cunt must have been on here before? Anyway, if it is even possible the gobshite fuckmonkey is even more of a cunt than I thought he was, after pissing off all the slack jawed yokels in Cornwall, this cockwomble is back and is now using the government Covid scheme loopholes to lay off 500 staff so they can then reapply for their jobs on a lower wage. What a piece of dog shit this cunt really is. I dont know why this surprises. I suppose I didn’t think he could get any lower than whale shit but this stroppy cunt has managed it and deserves to have his nuts flambayed by his ex staff as if they haven’t endured enough of this cunt’s bullshit…..Ramsey you are a cunt…

  5. Guy Verhofstadt
    Goodness me, the year’s rolled by quickly, and it seems that Haloween’s here again already. Well, Guy ‘Mr Pumpkin Head’ Verhofstadt has escaped from his carers once more, and is roaming around neighbourhoods scaring kids with his renewed calls for a ‘United States of Europe’.
    Gormless Guy tweeted recently “Fifteen years ago, I wrote ‘The United States of Europe’, calling for a ‘Hamilton’ moment in politics so that Europe can finance itself properly and be more than the sum of its parts. Hopefully the Macron-Merkel proposal* will deliver this historic leap forward”.
    Yes, the aesthetically challenged Mr V is up to his old tricks, fiddling while Madrid, Paris, Rome and elsewhere burn. It appears to have escaped his notice that, what with Brexit, Covid-19, a huge migrant crisis, an imminent economic collapse, ‘north v south’ infighting, the persistent growth of Euroscepticism and what-have-you, the EU is heading rapidly up Shit Creek without a paddle. Never mind though; in Pumpkin Head’s closed and deluded mind, there’s no problem that can’t be solved by more bureaucracy, less accountability, and greater centralisation and control. So bring on the United States of Europe, that great ‘historic leap forward’. Let’s just not bother asking the people of Europe whether that’s what they actually want.
    He’s nothing if not tenacious, I’ll give him that, standing as he is pissing steadfastly into the wind, and getting showered by his own piddle. It’s getting harder by the day for the sad twat though. Who can take seriously an increasingly desperate-sounding zealot who also looks as if he lets his cleaner cut his hair and his gardener sort his teeth?
    Ah hold on a sec, these two people in blue uniforms must be his carers. Come along now Guy, they’ll give you your Horlicks and your medication, read a chapter of your book to you, and get you ready for bed.

    *the plan for a mega billion fund to mitigate against the financial effects of the C-19 pandemic.

  6. The song ‘Get Here’ by Oleta Adams is a load of cunt.

    Just heard it on the radio and it has to be one of the worst songs of all time. With diabolical lyrics like the following:

    You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
    You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
    You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man

    You can reach me by sailboat, climb a tree and swing rope to rope
    Take a sled and slide down the slope, into these arms of mine

    How this crap was ever committed to record, I will never know. Cross the desert like an Arab man?! Take a sled and slide down the slope?!! For fuck’s sake, even those Oasis cunts did better than that.

  7. House-Martins are Cunts….not the band, (although I’m sure they are Cunts too) I mean the birds. The little bastards have built nests in the top corners of one of my bedroom windows and even I don’t like to knock the nests down when I see them swooping in and out. They must have built them in a couple of days…I never noticed until I realised that there seemed to be an inordinate amount of shite on the window…and it’s just getting worse…I’ll be lucky if I can see out of it in a few more days… just lucky that my bedroom does have other windows so that I can still look out to view my extensive Estate and take pot-shots at any pheasant or peasant who may be rambling over my croquet lawn.
    What gets me is their ingratitude…for years I’ve let them nest in the old barns and sheds…never as much as taken a shot at the Fuckers even when bored…..and they chose to repay me by using one of my solid-hardwood window-frames as a shithouse. The Sods are worse than the Pikeys…move in and throw up their mud-huts before anyone realises that they are there…and once ensconced a damn sight more legal protection than a 12 year old white girl in a Rotherham taxi.

    The trespassing little shits apparently come all the way from Africa and remind me of other illegal immigrants from The Dark Continent…squawking and chirping away,expecting free board and accommodation,breeding at an incredible rate, refusing to contribute as much as a breakfast egg to their unwilling host and leaving shit wherever they go….I expect one’ll be out selling drugs to the sparrows and mugging the blue-tits before impregnating some fat white pigeon and then bolting before much longer.

    The Fuckers’ll be in for a shock if they try the same trick next year….I’ll be ready for the bastards……lets see how easy it is to build a mud-hut when you’ve got the jet off an industrial pressure-washer tickling yer feathery little arses.

  8. A very quick up to date virtue signalling up our arses cunting please for JustFab, a clothing company my daughter bought a pair of shoes from the other day.
    They have just announced that today they will be adhering to do no work because today is, wait for it #blackouttuesday!?!?!?
    Is this for the effniks to come out?

  9. The Guardian deserves a nomination, again. The Lancet recently published a study by the WHO into the 2 metre social distancing rule, and unlike the Mail, who put a positive spin on it, the Guardian opted to do a bit of scaremongering. Whereas the Mail headline is “One Metre Is Enough”, followed by “it cuts risk of catching virus by 80%”. Actually it’s 82%, but I’m not going to argue. The Guardian has gone with “Cutting back to 1 metre doubles infection risk”. Two different takes on the same study.

    As things stand, the UK is one of only two European countries that are still enforcing the 2 metre rule. France has cut it to one metre, Germany has compromised and gone with 1.5 metres. At the moment, being 2 metres away from another person not from the same household means that your chances of not catching the kung flu are about 91%, whereas cutting it to 1 metre gives you an 82% chance of not catching it. Now, obviously, I’m no expert on these matters, but I would say that even at one meter, the chances of catching this virus are still very low. I like those odds. It would mean that pubs could reopen, and hairdressers and barbers. And here’s something else to consider, most of us have had to go into stores where, despite one way systems and social distancing, we’ve had to walk past people in the aisles at less than two metres. Have any of us caught Kung Flu by doing that? I haven’t.

    So why the fuck are the Guardian trying to panic people into demanding that something that, by all accounts was an arbitrary figure anyway stay in place? Because they’re left wing cunts, that’s why.

  10. Faith healers are cunts, aren’t they.

    Fortuitously we haven’t got many of these confidence tricksters in old Blighty. Perhaps we’re too cynical, perhaps we’re not gullible enough, perhaps we’re just too savvy. Nonetheless these snakes are still plying their nonsense across the globe.

    Pastor Frankline Ndifor worked tirelessly as a faith healer in Cameroon. The “prophet” claimed that he was able to cure Covid-19. He was also a candidate in the central African state’s last presidential election.

    It was going extraordinarily well until… he contracted Covid 19. Years of fleecing individuals by placing his hands on them and telling them that they’ve been cured has ended badly; the pastor died less than a week later.

    It’s been more than three days and the charlatan still hasn’t “risen.”


  11. People who queue for hours to get into a superstore are total cunts. Saw this on the news this morning, a huge queue snaking all around a massive IKEA car park.
    You have to be a particular kind of cunt to stand for hours in the baking sun just so you can buy a new plant pot. Cunts.

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