FHM Magazine


I see that paragon of reading matter, FHM magazine, is to close…

Truth is it was always crap, but 20 years ago they did have a better class of celebrity/bird in it (only issue I remember purchasing was the one with The X-Files bird on the cover, 1995 or 96)…

Fast forward to 2015 and all they can get is scrag-ends from Hollyoaks, reality TV trash and slappers who have shagged Wayne Rooney (he must have paid them a fucking lot!)… Let’s face it: any magazine that proclaims a poundland slag like Tulisa as the world’s sexiest woman has dug its own grave…

Good riddance to the cunts…

Nominated by: Norman

Classic film remakes


How dare they. They are classics, they’ll always be classics; they may be classically good, they may be classically cheesy or they might even be so classically bad they come out the other side as classically brilliant. Here’s my selection of originals that have been duplicating mincer:

The Day the Earth Stood Still
12 Angry Men
The Flight of the Phoenix
High Noon
The Italian Job
The Day of the Jackal
The Ladykillers

And The Railway Children. How could they take the daughter from the original and have her as the mother in the remake? Does that count as incest? “Daddy. My daddy.” One of the best cinematographic moments ever. Add Brief Encounter to the list. kinell! A very sad old Cunt am I.

I’ll tell you what it is. Some brainless degree in media studies halfwit with access to more dollars than taste decides the original made money, so, with his genius input the remake must make more money. No you funking brain dead cunt the original made money because people liked it. I’m sure you erstwhile Cunters will have exceptions, but this is a Cunting in defence of those that are not here to defend themselves. Fuck me! I’m so sad I can pick up the dialogue no matter where you drop me into the Ladykillers, I love: the characters, post war London scenes, steam engines, the rollicking good script, actors with training and presence, the wacky -could only be British- premise and most of all the gentle violence. One little old lady and five hardened criminals, what could possibly go wrong. The others have had similar sad butchering and it’s just not good enough. Cue Bouncing ball and:

♫ We are the boys and girls all known as,
Minors of the ABC……………..♫

Just wait for The Madness of George Washington . The Cunts are fucking stupid enough.

A grumpy old dinosaur of a Cunt I might be, but at least I’m not a:

Classic film butchering Cunt.

Nominated by: King Cnut

TFI Friday


Just when you thought TV was taking a turn for the better with axing ‘The Voice’ some gormless cunt decides to bring back ‘Oh Fuck It’s Friday’…

Chris Evans – a cunt who has been sacked more times by the BBC than Clarkson and that’s saying something – is clearly running short of dosh and not content with bolloxing up Top Gear, he’s going to subject us to more of this mindless fucking drivel. Christ help us!

Yes, all the old shit is there – including Freak or Unique and Baby Left, Baby Right and It’s Your Letters. The only good thing about this tripe is that Evans insists it’s the last time he’ll do it – he’s so busy with Top Gear and the BBC Breakfast Show (from which he was sacked twice for not showing up). And if you believe that, you’ll believe anything!

Is there anybody out there who doesn’t think Chris Evans is a solid gold, weapons grade, self centred, carrot topped, egotistical, good for nothing piece of ubershit? If so, you’re a cunt too!

Nominated by: Dioclese

Management speak


Management speak is hereby nominated for a good Cunting……

Before I saw the light it had been my great misfortune to be at some management meetings; fuck knows how I got roped in, made to wear a collar and tie, talk about a duck out of water.

Anyhoo. I thought senility had set in when I couldn’t follow some of the tossers. I understood all the words, but I’ll be fucked if I knew what they were on about. I give you some of the those that make the old eyelid twitch and the fingers long to be holding a cunting stick. Best grade one Cunting sticks are usually made from ash and are normally supplied with an optional attachment called a pick at the business end.

Prime examples of fucktard speak:

ballpark figure – Never wanted to own a ball park.
mission critical – Is it about to explode?
think outside the box- Not if you’re an opening bat facing Big Bird you don’t.
blue-sky thinking – Where I’d rather be than here.
there is no ‘I’ in team – *Mutter* “But there is in TIT!” (Which is why I don’t need to attend management meetings any more).
take it to the next level – Which apparently is not an invitation to engage in fisticuffs. (Ditto above).
put the toothpaste back in the tube – Which resulted in coffee snot and a one way ticket back to my lurry cab (showing my age there) and my card marked: ‘attitude issues’.

I’m sorry management I only speak English and a colloquial variant of Anglo Saxon at the best of times, you fuck-pig Cunts!

Nominated by: King Cnut

Pizza leafleters


Pizza leafleters, who have pushed thousands of the fucking things through my letterbox over the years are total cunts.

I fucking hate pizza, it looks like shit, it smells like shit and it tastes like shit. There’s more chance of me licking Gok Wan’s arsehole than there is of me ordering a pizza.

Nominated by: Allan