Mission, Texas - birdwatching (exposure & crop)_resize

Why do birders have cameras with such massive lenses? Is because they have small dicks? Probably…

Just spent two weeks in the Russian Far East with a group containing several twitchers. Picture it: There we are floating in a little rubber boat of the coast of Kamchatka watching brown bears on the shoreline. Cameras are clicking away furiously. Suddenly the bloke at the front of the boat swings his 500mm penis substitute around nearly knocking me out of the boat. Fuck the bears! He’s spotted a seagull and simply has to have as photo to prove it.

A few days later we are floating around in a little rubber boat with a driver who’s a bird expert. We are admiring sea lions. We’re in the wrong boat. The driver decides to hair off downstream to find some birds. Do we see any? Not really. There’s apparently a reed warbler in the bushes in winter plumage – but you can’t quite see it from here!!!

Don’t get me wrong. I like birds. But some of these guys are just cunts!

Nominated by: Dioclese

Karl Lagerfeld


From our fashion correspondent: Noted that the poncing piss pussy and Creative Director for Chanel, Karl Lagerfeld, has achieved the rag trade tour de force of his inimitable career. He has designed THE outfit for the total cunt and is currently pictured modelling the self same creation in Paris for fashionistas everywhere. You lucky people.

Word on the street has it that the BIG PEOPLE at Channel were in an absolute tizz absolutely over who could or should model the epic smutter. Names in the frame included Elton John (but his bum would have looked too big), Simon Cowell (less arse but no class) and Prince Edward (but this is an exclusive show my dears and who hasn’t had that bit of Royal bum?).

Call me a rancid old queen if you must be ever so wearisome but I have to go with the darling people at Channel on this one (you know where to send my free goody bags kissy kissy). Total Cunt is a collection that is divine in its inspiration and can only be presented to the public by the ultimate godhead of the genre. My dears I give you the very personification of Cunt Total, camp kraut Mr Karl Lagerfeld.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Owen Jones [2]


Independent columnist, Owen Jones, is a typical loudmouthed, self-opinionated, loony left, Trotskyist, Welsh cunt. Actually, I said ‘Welsh’ so the rest just goes without saying.

If you want proof, just listen to the little prick sounding off in his loony left, self important way on Newsnight talking about Channel 4’s Benefits Street. His opinions commence abut 4 minutes in.

No, Owen, it’s not all the government’s fault that people go stealing and robbing to supplement their benefits handouts. No, Owen, pensions are not part of the benefits system. They’re contributory. No, Owen, nobody really gives a fuck what you think – and your pathetic Twitter followers count proves it.

One of B-Liar and the Snot Gobbler’s in take. Tony’s fucked off and Gordon’s about to so why don’t you just do us all a favour and fuck off as well, you little cunt!

Nominated by: Dioclese


"I'm Dido. Sniff my armpit..."

“I’m Dido. Sniff my armpit…”

Where to start…. She epitomizes the worst aspects of smug cuntiferousness, whilst bleating interminably on about God alone knows what, in a soapy, pubefest of scandalous drivel. Bracket the bitch with the previously cunted Blunt-Cunt and you have the win double of fuckers spouting nonsense twatitudes.

Surely a great reason to get up a mob and put them to the fire.

Nominated by: like minded cuntophile

Apparently, she writes songs to express herself not to make money or to bore the arse off of us

Nominated by: Simon Cowell’s cat

Gary Lineker [3]

Gary Lineker – what a total self-loving, arrogant, self-centred, goody-two-shoe bastard.

Not content on selling shitty crisps, he now ruins our beloved Saturday night football fest with his usual bullshit approach of “I know fuck all about fuck all” attitude.

When talking about Ruud Van Nistelrooy he said bla bla bla ”What`s with the long face?” Well Gary news for you : Ruud was the more complete striker/player than you ever were you fucking gormless cunt, and he`s got the medals to prove it… what did you win you cunt??

Stick to selling crisps `cos as a football analyst/presenter I can`t take you seriously without thinking about you and the stupid fucking annoying/irritating adverts.

Nominated by: Tony