People Persons

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I’d like to formally cunt “People Persons”. You know the type. “Hey, I consider myself a real PEOPLE person!” Yeah. Right.

These awful cunts are usually found attempting to edge their way up the corporate/ religious/ charidee/ political ladder whilst genuinely believing themselves to be inspirational and motivating types who brighten the lives of lesser individuals. Often seen herding their reluctant office underlings into the paintball area of your local wood/swamp/marsh for some “Team Building” (Eurgh!!) or leading a bunch of naïve inexperienced adventurer types into the mountains for a (hopefully) doomed sleepover at Camp Hypothermia. And he’ll have a secondhand guitar which will be twanged tunelessly around the campfire while he urges his freezing companions to sing along about their “ging gang fucking goolies” or suchlike.

Invariably obsessed with slogans such as “wake up and smell the coffee”, “there’s no “I” in “Team”, “get with the program” and the perennial 80’s cunt catchphrase “go for it!” (AAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!) this turd in vaguely human form considers himself/herself a charismatic natural leader of men when actually they are a grating, obnoxious pain in everyone around them’s arse. Tragically they are also often utterly well intentioned into the bargain with the result that their kind hearted colleagues and friends (if they’ve got any) can’t bring themselves to bring them down to earth by informing them that they actually possess less charisma than a half empty tube of Anusol abandoned in a bedsit bathroom cabinet. In Wales.

Nominated by: Mr Bastard

…and here’s a little musical take on the problem as well..

Kanye West

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If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Kanye West, I would shoot Kanye West twice…

Funny to see all them wankstains at Glastonbury: all those white English folk singing along to Kanye Kunt’s set, and then all the furtive looks and awkwardness when it came to the ‘N’ word….

Nominated by: Norman

Selfies

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The “Selfie” is a narcissistic obsession with taking as many photos of yourself and posting them on social media sites is typical of a generation who is obsessed with the idea that anyone actually gives a fuck about them.

From the fuckwits of celebs whose intimate selfies manage to “accidentally” get uploaded to the web (and who subsequently bleat about their humiliation), to the increasing horses of silly little teens whose careless selfies attract the attention of paedos like wasps to a jam jar, the whole ludicrous cult is just a symptom of a generation who no longer gives a toss about anything but their own selfish needs.

In moments of cynicism, I’m convinced that the internet will one day crash under the weight of social media spawned crap like this and the last thing we will see on our dying search engines is the grinning face of some spotty teen grinning at the camera with a banana stuffed up his rectum!

Nominated by: Lez

The General Election

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I would like to cunt the Election Campaign. Tories approach it with shameless lies and shameless scaremongering because they can’t defend their record of broken pledges in their 2010 “Contract” (now mysteriously vanished from their website archive), whereas the gormless twat Miliband cowers in the shadows like a useless saucer of diarrhoea, saying nothing, doing nothing, except crossing his fingers.

Cameron and Miliband = pair of useless cunts, just as bad as each other.

Nominated by: Fred West

Much as I have no time for the Tories and their somewhat transparent plan to drag the social system back to a semblance of Victorian days, at least they are open about it. Labour on the other hand ceased to be a party that was representative of working class values when they came out of the political closet disguised as “new labour”.

Both parties lack the balls to actually serve the interests of the country on issues like ending our membership of the EU, closing the door to immigration, getting tough on terrorists and religious radicals and most of all, refraining from involving the UK in foreign wars.

Nominated by: Lez

Elton John [3]

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Elton John is one of those irredeemably odious shitbags who can never be cunted often enough.

Now the fat little attention-whore has lashed out at fashion designers Dolce & Gabbana for describing the process of gay couples using IVF to create their own families as “synthetic”. Fat Elton had a major hissy fit (on Instagram, where else?) interpreting their remark as a personal attack on his own two children. Both of whom happen to be boys, incidentally. So obviously no engineered sex selection there then, never mind the fact that it’s highly unlikely that either Fat Elton or his partner were able to provide the eggs. Synthetic? Of course not – it all sounds 100% natural to me.

In a telling insight into Fat Elton’s views on freedom of speech (and it was merely a personal opinion being expressed, D&G weren’t denying the Holocaust), the talentless has-been called on the world to boycott Dolce & Gabbana because of this. Why stop there though? I thought Fat Elton had boycotted the entire fashion industry many years back: there can be no other explanation for why this short, fat, bald, old man continues to dress as though he’s really a tall, slim, thirty year old with a luxuriant head of hair. Maybe it’s an inverse form of Body Dysmorphic Disorder? If so, I’ve heard it can easily be cured by taking a huge quantity arsenic, washed down with a litre of Domestos.

At least Domenico Dolce had the style, grace and good sense to go bald naturally, Elton. At least there’s nothing “synthetic” about what’s on HIS head, you fat cunt. You look like a cunt, you dress like a cunt, you sing like a cunt, ergo you ARE a cunt. Now kindly fuck off and hang yourself.

Nominated by: Fred West

Well, how about that! Victoria Beckham has joined in Elton’s tirade against D&G. Nothing to do with the fact that she owns her own fashion house, of course. That would be just opportunistic hypocrisy, wouldn’t it?

The Johns and the Beckhams – four cunts for the price of one…

Nominated by: Dioclese