Karl Lagerfeld


From our fashion correspondent: Noted that the poncing piss pussy and Creative Director for Chanel, Karl Lagerfeld, has achieved the rag trade tour de force of his inimitable career. He has designed THE outfit for the total cunt and is currently pictured modelling the self same creation in Paris for fashionistas everywhere. You lucky people.

Word on the street has it that the BIG PEOPLE at Channel were in an absolute tizz absolutely over who could or should model the epic smutter. Names in the frame included Elton John (but his bum would have looked too big), Simon Cowell (less arse but no class) and Prince Edward (but this is an exclusive show my dears and who hasn’t had that bit of Royal bum?).

Call me a rancid old queen if you must be ever so wearisome but I have to go with the darling people at Channel on this one (you know where to send my free goody bags kissy kissy). Total Cunt is a collection that is divine in its inspiration and can only be presented to the public by the ultimate godhead of the genre. My dears I give you the very personification of Cunt Total, camp kraut Mr Karl Lagerfeld.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Owen Jones [2]


Independent columnist, Owen Jones, is a typical loudmouthed, self-opinionated, loony left, Trotskyist, Welsh cunt. Actually, I said ‘Welsh’ so the rest just goes without saying.

If you want proof, just listen to the little prick sounding off in his loony left, self important way on Newsnight talking about Channel 4’s Benefits Street. His opinions commence abut 4 minutes in.

No, Owen, it’s not all the government’s fault that people go stealing and robbing to supplement their benefits handouts. No, Owen, pensions are not part of the benefits system. They’re contributory. No, Owen, nobody really gives a fuck what you think – and your pathetic Twitter followers count proves it.

One of B-Liar and the Snot Gobbler’s in take. Tony’s fucked off and Gordon’s about to so why don’t you just do us all a favour and fuck off as well, you little cunt!

Nominated by: Dioclese


"I'm Dido. Sniff my armpit..."

“I’m Dido. Sniff my armpit…”

Where to start…. She epitomizes the worst aspects of smug cuntiferousness, whilst bleating interminably on about God alone knows what, in a soapy, pubefest of scandalous drivel. Bracket the bitch with the previously cunted Blunt-Cunt and you have the win double of fuckers spouting nonsense twatitudes.

Surely a great reason to get up a mob and put them to the fire.

Nominated by: like minded cuntophile

Apparently, she writes songs to express herself not to make money or to bore the arse off of us

Nominated by: Simon Cowell’s cat

Gary Lineker [3]


Gary Lineker – what a total self-loving, arrogant, self-centred, goody-two-shoe bastard.

Not content on selling shitty crisps, he now ruins our beloved Saturday night football fest with his usual bullshit approach of “I know fuck all about fuck all” attitude.

When talking about Ruud Van Nistelrooy he said bla bla bla ”What`s with the long face?” Well Gary news for you : Ruud was the more complete striker/player than you ever were you fucking gormless cunt, and he`s got the medals to prove it… what did you win you cunt??

Stick to selling crisps `cos as a football analyst/presenter I can`t take you seriously without thinking about you and the stupid fucking annoying/irritating adverts.

Nominated by: Tony

The Elders


Came across this shower of self righteous smug hateful cunts during the never ending Mandela bore-a-thon on TV.

Have you ever read such fucking pretentious shite in your life. Worst of the lot of them though is the toe curlingly annoying up her own arse cunt, Mary Robinson.

Nominated by: DanB

FFS! You have to be joking! Just who are these self righteous up their own arse cunts anyway?

Surprise surprise! Founder Nelson fucking Mandela. Honorary member Desmond fucking Tutu. Chairman Kofi Annan.

Who else for the cuntroll? Martti Ahtisaari former president of Finland and winner of the nobel Peace Prize for bullshit, Ela Bhatt founder of the Self-Employed Women’s Association in India, Lakhdar Brahimi a former Algerian freedom fighter (another fucking peacemaker with a gun?), Gro Harlem Brundtland the first woman Prime Minister of Norway, Fernando H Cardoso the former President of Brazil (famous for reducing poverty apparently. Have you been to Brazil lately?), Jimmy the peanut king Carter, Hina Jilani a human rights lawyer (FFS! No!), Graça Machel another fucking human rights ‘champion’, Mary Robinson a ‘forceful advocate for womens participation in human dignity’ (whatever the fuck that means!), and last but not least Ernesto Zedillo a former President of Mexico ‘who led profound democratic and social reforms; economist and advocate of multilateralism, inclusive globalisation, nuclear non-proliferation and drug policy reform.’

Well spotted DanB. A right pretentious bunch of self appointed, self opinionated and self important cunts if ever there was one. I expect Blair will be joining now there’s a vacancy. Probably end up running it!

Nominated by: Dioclese