Footie experts

Ian Wright robbery

I am impelled to cunt the anglo-centric, sycophantic, foreigner hating, British punditry displayed by football ‘experts’ in the media. There has never been a more openly xenophobic collection of people than the ex-footballers and managers who get away with calling any professional who isn’t from these shores every stereotypical insult you can imagine.

Some rank-average, overpaid cunt from Gillingham can be as lazy as he fucking likes, display no skill, not show any interest, get torn apart by his opposition and these wankers are completely petrified to throw DESERVED abuse at him just in case they bump into each other on the golf course the next day. “He’s clearly out of from Jeff”, “He’ll come good Steve, class always shines through in the end”, “When you join a new club you have to allow some time for settling in Alan”. I would say “He is fucking useless, get the lazy cunt off and sell him to some Conference team for a Dairy-lea triangle. The fucking prick.”
Some fella from the hills of the Andes whose supporting about 60 of his extended family, has perfectly learnt a completely foreign language, acts like a total professional and treats all the staff and fans with respect has a dip in form for a fortnight or struggles to come to terms with a massively different pressure of expectation, and all of a sudden these fucking has-beens, and more than likely, never-have-beens spout shit like ‘He’s not up to it at this level’, ‘He’s only picking up the pay-cheque’, ‘Lads not interested’, ‘They’ve not got the mental toughness for the Premier League’. Fuck off you racist cunts and make yourselves busy by trying to finger the female presenters on Sky Sports News whilst regaling them with tales of the japes you had in Corfu one year with Dave Beasant.

United got their arses handed to them the other week by Arsenal, and rightly so, they were shit. Two fullbacks were on show that day, Ashley fucking young and Matteo Darmian. They were both awful. Darmian got pulled to pieces by the likes of Redknob, Shitty Neville and that droning cunt Shearer. ‘He wasnt good enough’ and all that shit. ‘Needs to come to terms with the pace of the league.’ ‘Has a lot to learn if he wants to succeed at United.’ Young, on the other hand, whose plied his trade in the English game his entire life, and for 70% of that time been absolute fucking dog shit, with only one foot, was handed every possible excuse by his bum-buddies back in the studios. Eventually his dire display was put down to the fact that one of the best players in the world and a World Cup Winning captain (Schweinsteiger) wasnt helping him enough. No, he was shit because he’s shit, that day and practically every other day of his career, but I’m sure your expert opinions will ensure a Christmas card from Ashley this year and the chance of a tit pic from his wife on Facebook if you’re lucky.

Last night I had to listen to one of the stupidest cunts to ever grace a football field (Ian Wright) aimlessly and without any real point defend the ability of the most over-rated sack of shit to pull on a United shirt, ever (Wayne Rooney).Some scholar had rung up to point out that Rooney has been dreadful for about 5 years, not once pulling a performance out against a team of any note whilst holding the biggest club in England to ransom and handing in a number of transfer requests. Wright was aghast that a Englishman could question Waynes quality, ignoring the facts that he’s had more opportunities than Jimmy Saville and relies on spot kicks for most of his goals. It was blind, patriotic shit that held no water when put under scrutiny, but this nonsensical arse-licking is rife from TV to radio to the Press.

The only people who should be allowed to comment on football in this country are Gullit, Souness, Dietmar Hamann and myself. The rest can fuck off to after dinner speeches.

Nominated by: Cunt O’MaCunto

Laura Pankhurst

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I want to nominate Emmeline Pankhurst’s great granddaughter, Laura. Apparently, a movie has just been released by the name of ‘Suffragette’. I think you can all guess the plot. Because of it’s subject matter, the movie has been promoted to fuck by the right on media. For some reason, it’s also meant that the great granddaughter of Emmeline Pankhurst, Laura, has been wheeled out at every opportunity to talk about her illustrious relative.

The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree, because it turns out that Laura is a ‘feminist activist’, or to put it another way, ‘man hating, swivel eyed loon’. I have a certain amount of respect for Emmeline, because she was fighting genuine injustice and sexism. And she was Mancunian, which always scores brownie points with me. A Moss Sider no less, when it was still a White area.

Anyway, in the interviews I’ve seen with her, Laura hasn’t really offered any insight into her great grandmother. I haven’t learned anything about her that I didn’t already know. All she’s really done is push her ultra feminist agenda. Apparently, the fight goes on, because women still aren’t equal. Us men, (those of us who can actually be described as men anyway, not those mincing metrosexuals), still stubbornly refuse to kow tow to the dungaree wearing, shaven headed, dyke harridans.

We’re still sexist bastards apparently. Still holding women back. Not showing enough respect…blah blah blah. We all know that’s bollocks of course. Women today are far more equal than they ever have been. But it doesn’t stop the likes of Laura Pankhurst, (yes that it is her name. So either no man has been dumb enough to marry her, or she’s using her famous surname as a leg up), from whingeing and whining, and telling lies.

Look love, you’ve had your fifteen minutes of fame. You’ll never be seen as a great woman, like your great grandma. Because you’re not. Accept that, and then get the fuck back in the kitchen. Speaking of which, another advert made by a shaven headed dyke seems to have been pushed. It’s a farm foods ad, with the unfunny half of the two Ronnies. He’s talking to some old bitch about how simple they are to reheat, which brings the reply, “It’s so easy, even a MAN could do it”. Cue dumb looking husband turning around, with a thick as fuck expression on his face.

I really, really wish that fuckwits like Laura Pankhurst would shut up and fuck off! Find a real job, because the ‘job’ you have now, ironically, involves bigotry and hatred.

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw

Dominic Littlewood [2]

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The cunt, Dominic Littlewood, is the reason I stumbled on this website.

I was watching the ‘I obey the law, and Im fully legit’ cunt on some shit show. I think it was ‘Don’t get done, get Dom’ and I thought what a CUNT. I mean that title alone is enough make him a strong favourite for Cunt of the year.

Then there is the cunt that is Dominic, don’t get me wrong sometimes he helps people who have been duped or conned and thats ok with me, what I can’t stand is his ‘I am a knight in shining armour’ smugness and him in general, the way he speaks, the way he calls people up trying to find out why they ripped off some cunt, the way he chases the rip off merchant around like a little fucking Terrier. If he chased me like that I would knock the cunt out.

Anyway, after thinking “What a cunt!”, I searched ‘Dominic Littlewood is a cunt’ and I found this website. I suppose I owe ‘Dom’ a thank you for helping me find ‘Is A Cunt’, but that does not change the fact he is a Universal Cunt. I mean imagine he was your Dad, “Dad I found a fiver” Dom replies “Now now son lets go to the police station and fill out some forms and try and get the money back to its owner”. Aaaaaaaagh the cunt pisses me off.

Dominic you fucking CUNT.

FUCK OFF.

Nominated by: Black and White Cunt

Tube travellers

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That large red object there is known as ‘The scum shovel’ for obvious reasons.

The cunts that boil my piss are the arseholes that get to the tube barrier and then dig about in the bottom of their handbag for their oyster card, only to find it needs topping up. The dozy fuckers then try said oyster card half a dozen times before giving up and trotting off to the ticket machine to recharge it, creating a massive queue behind them that they have to wade back through. If half a dozen of these fucking imbeciles do this almost simultaneously at a busy station it becomes the perfect storm of fucktardedness.

Don’t even start me on fucking tourists who try and stick their oyster card into the paper ticket slot, causing the same kind of mayhem behind them previously only seen on the beaches of Dunkirk 80 years ago.
When the stupid twats finally figure it out they then stand the other side of the barrier waiting for the rest of their party, creating a human obstacle that gathers in size with every passing second.

Oh, and tourists, don’t forget to stand on the left and the right of the escalators and never bring a suitcase smaller than the northern hemisphere onto the tube in rush hour for people to trip over.

Also, don’t forget to stop at the bottom of the escalator and look totally confused as to where your going next. The pile of human bodies that is backing up behind you will really appreciate this.

You fucking retards!

Nominated by: Odin’s Balls

Bushcrafting

"For survival in the wild, you can't beat a good curry with the film crew!"

“For survival in the wild, you can’t beat a good curry with the film crew!”

God save us from the ‘amateur bushcrafter’ – a creature that buys all the books and DVD’s on bushcraft it can find. Especially those by Ray Mears, Bear Grylls and Lofty Wiseman. You’ve probably met one. They tend to wear Army surplus clothing and think they’re an expert on all things military, again because they’ve bought the books. And they usually like to try to make other people think they’re a military/bushcraft expert. I don’t know why they do that though, because they’re usually not an expert. On anything.

I am an expert on what’s known as bushcraft. I was taught about the outdoors from a young age by my Texan granddad and his Apache best friend (Native Americans are among the best people to learn this sort of thing from). I also learned a fair bit about the subject whilst serving in the Army. I even spent the last four years of my career serving as a jungle warfare instructor in Belize. But I’m only an expert because I’ve spent years practising my skills. These dicks think they can read a book and become an instant expert.

This was perfectly demonstrated earlier today. I went out for a walk in the woods behind my house. They’re quite big these woods, and one of the places I use for my wild camping trips. Near to the river that runs through the middle, I encountered two such cretins. They’d actually done an adequate job of setting up their tarps and hammocks but they were doing a piss poor job of getting a fire going. This was mainly because, despite the open book (Ray Mears) they had no idea about the correct way to build a fire. They’d all the gear though. Shiny, new stuff like a small forest axe, bushcraft knives, survival tin, med kit, etc. There was no tinder or kindling, just four large logs, about 8 inches in diameter and twice that long. They were wondering why they couldn’t get them to light. Did I mention that there was a shit load of dry grass all over the ground? Well I have now. As I’m sure you’re aware, you do not try to start a fire in an area that has that much combustible material on the ground.

So, I got them to clear the entire area that their camp was in, keeping some to help with starting their fire. To be fair, they were actually quite good students. And after only an hour, they had one of the logs ablaze. I advised them to do a bushcraft course and then went on my way. If I hadn’t been there though, they would either have started a massive forest fire, or they’d still be trying to get a fire going now.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve encountered an increasing number of people, usually young guys, who buy all the gear, and the books/DVD’s, and have absolutely NO idea what they’re doing. Sooner or later, someone is going to be seriously hurt because these dumb fucks haven’t the first clue what they’re doing. A book can’t tell them how sharp a knife or axe can be. And none of the books I’ve seen have mentioned the importance of practising the skills they demonstrate. I’ve been out hiking with my wife in the lake district, Cumbria and the Pennines and seen people hiking wearing jeans and trainers. No map or compass, just a fucking smartphone app. One idiot even asked my for directions to Ladybower dam. We were in Cumbria at the time.

In some ways, it’s good that people are taking more of an interest in the British countryside. I just wish they would clue the fuck up before heading out.

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw