Neil Hamilton


For fuck’s sake what’s the matter with you cunts?!?

I cannot believe that no cunt out there has ever cunted this cunt on “…is a cunt”. And now just to make things worse, his cunt of a mate Farage has finally managed to get the cunt onto UKIP’s NEC. What’s the matter with UKIP? Have the cunts got a death wish?

This cunt is a fucking electoral liability. The rank and file membership think he’s a cunt, I think he’s a cunt and, frankly, it wouldn’t surprise me if the fragrant Christine thinks he’s a cunt.

Neil Hamilton is cunt amongst cunts; a veritable ubercunt; a cunt so large it could could swallow the Houses of Parliament. Whole. In one gulp. Cunts don’t come more cuntish than that!

Yes, Neil Hamilton IS a cunt – and anyone who disagrees is also a cunt.

Nominated by: Dioclese

Karl Lagerfeld


From our fashion correspondent: Noted that the poncing piss pussy and Creative Director for Chanel, Karl Lagerfeld, has achieved the rag trade tour de force of his inimitable career. He has designed THE outfit for the total cunt and is currently pictured modelling the self same creation in Paris for fashionistas everywhere. You lucky people.

Word on the street has it that the BIG PEOPLE at Channel were in an absolute tizz absolutely over who could or should model the epic smutter. Names in the frame included Elton John (but his bum would have looked too big), Simon Cowell (less arse but no class) and Prince Edward (but this is an exclusive show my dears and who hasn’t had that bit of Royal bum?).

Call me a rancid old queen if you must be ever so wearisome but I have to go with the darling people at Channel on this one (you know where to send my free goody bags kissy kissy). Total Cunt is a collection that is divine in its inspiration and can only be presented to the public by the ultimate godhead of the genre. My dears I give you the very personification of Cunt Total, camp kraut Mr Karl Lagerfeld.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Michael Winner [2]

Michael Winner in 1986

Knew the cunt a few years back. Would answer the telephone pretending to be his own secretary. Had a whole string of ex lady loves he kept sweet by letting them think they were in for substantial legacies on his demise. The last one was looking after the terminal tosser in the belief that she would get the mansion in Holland Park.

He did have plenty of readies but it was all cash from multiple mortgages and loans on his properties. Did not own a bean. Fine old to-do now, m’learned friends etc etc. Warring next of kin, banks, mortgage companies all unaware of each others conflicting claims. Rather delicious actually.

Postumous cunting for old time’s sake? He would enjoy that.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Seems that I failed to notice the demise of Michael Winner back in January. What an odious little cunt he was. Went everywhere by private jet because he hated travelling with the plebs. I hear say that he used his celebrity to pay for it rather than a cheque as he was reportedly bust.

Remember his ‘Calm down, dear!’ advert? How the mighty had fallen to sink to that.

Met him once in Barbados when he was blagging his way to the best table in the restaurant at Sandy Lane. Unfortunately for him, the table he wanted was occupied by my party. ‘Do you now who I am?’ he said. ‘Yes’ I replied, ‘you’re the odious little yid that isn’t getting this table. So fuck off!’

He fucked off. Like I said, odious little cunt…

Nominated by: Dioclese

Barbados must be a much nicer place now he’s not there!

Nominated by: Mrs D.

Bradley Wiggins


“Ladies and gentlemen, this decade’s biggest cunt is …….. Mr bradley wiggins”.

This cunt was vertually a fucking unknown two months before the Olympics, skinny needs more chips bike riding cunt who slowed traffic to a virtual fucking standstill every weekend whist wearing shite that my fucking sister wouldn’t be seen fucking dead in. Not now. Oh no sirre! This fucking arsewipe is on the front of magazines and fuck knows what else.

Mr Bradley Wiggins – you are a 24 carat cunt of the highest ocean going order… you cunt!

Nominated by : Cripplecock