Shexit (Shetland Islands)

We can all do with a bit of light relief in these trying times, so hats off to the good burghers of the Shetland Islands for giving it to us, via a real poke in the eye for those twats in the SNP.

Shetlanders, who have never been keen on the notion of Scottish independence from the UK, seem to be increasingly frustrated by the attitude of the Holyrood parliament.

Concerned at what they see as the ‘hoarding of power and money’* by Holyrood, and cuts in funding to the islands, councillors in Lerwick have voted overwhelmingly to pursue self-determination.

Apparently this would effectively involve becoming a self-governing Crown dependency along the lines of Jersey and the Isle of Man, thereby remaining part of the UK whatever the future governance of Scotland turns out to be.

Oh the delicious irony of it. It’s audacious and hilarious. So come on Wee Jimmy Krankie, let’s hear the SNP’s position on this. After all, you and your Westminster mouthpiece Ian ‘Bloater’ Blackford do nothing but bleat on incessantly about how ‘the democratic aspirations of people must be met’. Why aren’t you endorsing the Shetlanders’ call for a referendum on the proposal?. Perhaps you’re troubled by the paradox of how you can keep Scotland together whilst trying your utmost to tear it out of the UK?. Who’s next, the Orkney Islands, perhaps?

Mmm, silence has been the deafening reply so far… go on Krankie, put that in your bagpipes and fucking smoke it.

* approximate translation into English; ‘it’s Shetland’s fookin’ oil!’.

Nominated by: Ron Knee 

Gina Miller [14]

Let’s have a what’s-her-fucking-problem-now-stop-trying-to-pretend-you-are-doing-this-for-the-benefit-of-the-British-people cunting for our favourite Guyanan immigrant.
I’ve got nothing specific to say about likkle Gina apart from I think she’s a bit of a cunt and all the hard work and stress of protecting the British public from itself is having a detrimental effect on her looks.
For those of a nervous disposition I suggest you look away now.

If that doesn’t put you off your Shreddies then nothing will.

I wonder if her sugar daddy still fancies her?

Nominated by: SimmyJavil

The Puritanical Guardian (12)

Once a-fucking-gain.

Since the advent of the Kung Flu, folk around the world have been in various varieties of lockdown, and The Guardian has been releasing a steady stream of articles along the lines of ‘how I gave up drinking in lockdown’, and ‘how lockdown taught me I didn’t really enjoy alcohol’ blah blah blah you get the idea, and just in case you don’t, the killjoy miserablist New Puritans of The Guardian are not-so-subtly spelling it out: you should give up the booze.

If I were of a nasty suspicious turn of mind, I would imagine that they were perusing this argument so that we can all the better accommodate a certain non-drinking religion of peace, but as a man who enjoys a good bourbon it doesn’t really matter to me why they want what they want, because they can get to fuck, and once they get there, they can fuck off all over again.

Nominated by: Chimp Licker 

World Afro Hair Day

A solid gold, is she or isn’t she cunting for World Afro hair day.

I’m not making this up. Who cares about someone’s hair? Who doesn’t employ someone because of their hair? Who claims that having Afro hair is a bad thing? Who really has any thoughts either way?

This is yet another media attempt to create division and issue where none exists.

So I won’t be celebrating WAHD as I see little or no point in kowtowing to the MSN…

Nominated by: Middle England

And seconded by: Norman

Seconded. It’s a fucking joke anyway. All the black women in the public eye like Beyonce, Cardi B and numerous other rap slags, that horrendous Obama creature, and Meghan Markle Fucking Ono all have their hair straightened to look like white women. Last time I saw a black female celebrity with an afro it was Diana Ross in 1970. If it is an ‘Afro Day’ (fuck me), what cunt in the public eye actually has one to promote it? What a load of bollocks.