Children in need

cm10_terry_wogan.jpg / Children In Need

BBC Children in Need is just phase one of the charity barrage that signals the start of the Christmas onslaught in earnest. The chuggers are coming, and woe betide you if you tell them to bugger off!

And this year it will be even worse – because we have all those poor unaccompanied ‘refugee children’ like the one in the above picture lurking across the water in France. And we have to help them, don’t we? Well, actually, no we don’t.

Fuck ’em. Let them eat cake. Let them in and their families will miraculously appear to join them and bring even more extremist bomb makers to our shores.

Nominated by: Dioclese

Chugging

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Have we cunted chuggers yet? What a bunch of fawning bullshitters, I fucking loathe them blocking my high street with their stupid jackets and brollies.

I have a different tactic now. After the initial ‘got a minute’ salutation I say yes and get the phone out with a one minute timer on it. They looked a bit put out when it pings and I fuck off.

Best to do it when there are a few vulnerable grannies around to make sure the robdogs don’t fleece them of their inheritance. Cunts.

Nominated by: Arsebiscuit

Pudsey [3]

knitted rudolp

knitted chugger cunt

Yes it’s time to welcome the Prince of Chuggers, the legalised Robin Hood of BBC TV, the cunt of cunts – Pudsey the fucking bear!

Every year the Beeb roll out their pre-Christmas ‘charitee’ bash to raise millions from gormless pricks who donate money to watch the mind bogglingly tedious load of absolute shite that is Children in Need.

When my wife was deserted by her ex and left with a 18 month old child they were definitely in need. Nobody gave them fuck all for nothing and she had to work her arse off in some totally shitty jobs to put food on the table. That’s life. If you can’t support your kids, you shouldn’t be a parent – but then why bother when cunts like Pudsey give you money for fuck all – after deducting expenses of course.

I was once stopped going into work by a bloke with a bucket who said I couldn’t go in until I give Pudsey some of my hard earned. He needed to borrow that fucking eye bandage shortly afterwards…

Fuck Pudsey. Fuck Children in Need. Fuck the BBC. Put some decent programmes on, you lazy parasitic cunts!

Still, this year it’s on Friday 13th so with a bit of luck something will drop on Pudsey from a great height and rid us of the little turd!

Nominated by: Dioclese

Camilla Batmanghelidjh

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The egregious Camilla Batmanghelidjh orf Iranian extraction has been tapping a tidy old living oit orf waifs and stray kiddies for nigh orn two decades. Founded Kids Company, saintly intent, tireless charity worker on behalf orf said waifs and strays, honorary CBE ect ect no doubt and permanent bleeding heart fixture on BBC, Guardian, Red Nose Day et al. Has hoovered up any charity cash going – reported £9 million from HMG, £1 million from the Lottery ect ect – only fly in the ointment has had to “step aside” (one orf Sir Limply’s favourite moves in the old dance orf corruption) due to more creative financial direction than a blind punter would receive in a Cairo bazaar. Chairman orf Kid’s Company is that honorary cunt and Creative Director orf the BBC, two jobs and two pensions Alan Yentob (rented a room to his daughter once but that is another cunting).

Also undoubtedly scurrilous reported allegations from online sources that Kid’s Company has been a breeding ground for paedos.

In short she is alleged to have been running a vast charitable empire orn a cash in hand basis and appears at a loss to account for the fate orf vast amounts orf moolah. In a previous life when yours truly had connections with theatrical presentations orf an artistic nature in praise orf the female form, met the old cunt orf many colours at fund raisers various. Attempted to tap her for a spot orf inside gen on the great and the good but the filly would talk solely on a cash or goods in kind basis alluding, I took it with horror, to her garden orf Venus. Now slightest whiff of money and your pukka indigent aristo is usually orf after the fox in a flash but all I caught was the aroma orf a three day dead camel. The offer was declined.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Sense

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I really have a problem with the deafblind charity that was advertising on TV at Christmas. They want money to teach deafblind people how to sign to communicate.

a) how the fuck are they going to do that?

b) the advert just shows just children. Is that to tug at our heart strings, or aren’t they going to help adults?

c) how much of the money are they going to spend on more TV adverts, after all, it is quite a niche charity, and can’t be that well funded in the first place, yet they still seem to be able to afford the adverts

Nominated by: The oncoming Fart