I would like to nominate modern advertising for an accumulated cunting; this fucking shit has been festering for years and it is high time that the phenomenon as a whole was covered in these hallowed pages.
Let’s be clear – adverts have almost always been annoying. There is the odd funny one or the odd ‘clever’ one. But on the whole, they are, and always have been shit. Unfortunately, advertising execs have taken increasingly bolder steps in recent years to not only up the cunt-ante, but try their level best to burrow inside your fucking skull; no longer with the aim of telling you about their product but like all things in the modern age, geared towards getting noticed and getting attention, usually via hashtwatters.
Trying my best to summarise this as succinctly as possible (and failing), consider:
1) The endless regurgitation of 80s songs – no matter how irrelevant to the fucking advert – with these eye-gougingly annoying breathy waifish cunts murdering them beyond recognition. Most of these acoustic cunts sound like crooning asthmatics… just who decided that this should be the backing template for every fucking ‘thoughtful’ add? Too many songs to mention that have been ruined by this type of ad; ‘Wonderful Life’, ‘Welcome to the Jungle’, ‘You Spin Me Round’ are a bare few examples… don’t get me wrong, many of these tunes were shite in the first place, but adding extra layers of fucking hipster appeal just makes me desperate to time travel and swap places with Belsen camp detainees circa 1942. Anything to escape this particular brand of torture.
2) The whole Hashtag #LOLZ-type fucking branch of ads. Filed under this category are mammoth examples of cuntitude such as Moneysupermarket’s dancing woofters, Compare the Bastard Meerkat, Confused.com… noticing anything? Yes, always the same type of shit comparison and insurance site. they have nothing tangible to sell so instead, buoyed by millions earned from their online ad revenue, they attack you relentlessly with such fucking #LOL creations as operatic Welsh cunts and stuffed Russian rodents. In fact, one of my all-time fantasies involves being locked inside a real Meerkat reserve compound, a 20-gauge sawn-off Remington and unlimited fucking buckshot.
3) Any advert featuring ‘yoof’. Any advert with any kind of 14-20-year old since 2008 always, fucking ALWAYS, depicts ‘street level’ with that fucking backward Jamaican-Bangladeshi hybrid patois of utter cuntdom; even when said youths hail from white-middle class Barnstaple or Windsor. What the fuck? Is this normal now? For every fucking kid in the land to sound like a tryhard cross between Ali G and Tim fucking Westwood? Fuck off, and take your cunting ‘fam’ with you. Remember that Galaxy ad with the innit rapper and the crooning waif sounding off in the recording booth? Oh, and talking of fucking which…
4) That bastard, Christing, OTHER fucking uber-cunt Galaxy advert with the CGI Audrey Hepburn. This fucking abomination has almost been going on as long as the Hillsborough aftermath. Please, make the fucker stop.
5) This more recent trend of using sounds and close-up noises (read up on ASMR) to almost drive you to distraction and grab your attention. Examples include that supermarket ad which had ultra-loud close-ups of cows chewing grass, and Crunchy nut adverts where the mic is almost inside the chomping fucker’s mouth. Fucking disgusting and excruciating at the same time.
6) Ads which attempt emotional manipulation. These range from saccharine stuff like that dead dad advert from McDonald’s a few weeks ago and the Paul Whitehouse weird undead shit advertising Aviva; right through to the starving African charity ads that hit us from time to time. Nothing however caps cuntlords like Ewan MacGregor lecturing us to dip into our pockets for UNICEF, while that cunt furiously wanks over his £50,000 appearance fee for the privilege of giving you the sermon. Cunt right off.
I’ve probably lumped in several cunt-worthy examples into one congealed cunting, but Christ. Modern ads instantly turn my piss into scorching hot vapour.
Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back.