Modern Advertising

I would like to nominate modern advertising for an accumulated cunting; this fucking shit has been festering for years and it is high time that the phenomenon as a whole was covered in these hallowed pages.

Let’s be clear – adverts have almost always been annoying. There is the odd funny one or the odd ‘clever’ one. But on the whole, they are, and always have been shit. Unfortunately, advertising execs have taken increasingly bolder steps in recent years to not only up the cunt-ante, but try their level best to burrow inside your fucking skull; no longer with the aim of telling you about their product but like all things in the modern age, geared towards getting noticed and getting attention, usually via hashtwatters.

Trying my best to summarise this as succinctly as possible (and failing), consider:

1) The endless regurgitation of 80s songs – no matter how irrelevant to the fucking advert – with these eye-gougingly annoying breathy waifish cunts murdering them beyond recognition. Most of these acoustic cunts sound like crooning asthmatics… just who decided that this should be the backing template for every fucking ‘thoughtful’ add? Too many songs to mention that have been ruined by this type of ad; ‘Wonderful Life’, ‘Welcome to the Jungle’, ‘You Spin Me Round’ are a bare few examples… don’t get me wrong, many of these tunes were shite in the first place, but adding extra layers of fucking hipster appeal just makes me desperate to time travel and swap places with Belsen camp detainees circa 1942. Anything to escape this particular brand of torture.

2) The whole Hashtag #LOLZ-type fucking branch of ads. Filed under this category are mammoth examples of cuntitude such as Moneysupermarket’s dancing woofters, Compare the Bastard Meerkat, Confused.com… noticing anything? Yes, always the same type of shit comparison and insurance site. they have nothing tangible to sell so instead, buoyed by millions earned from their online ad revenue, they attack you relentlessly with such fucking #LOL creations as operatic Welsh cunts and stuffed Russian rodents. In fact, one of my all-time fantasies involves being locked inside a real Meerkat reserve compound, a 20-gauge sawn-off Remington and unlimited fucking buckshot.

3) Any advert featuring ‘yoof’. Any advert with any kind of 14-20-year old since 2008 always, fucking ALWAYS, depicts ‘street level’ with that fucking backward Jamaican-Bangladeshi hybrid patois of utter cuntdom; even when said youths hail from white-middle class Barnstaple or Windsor. What the fuck? Is this normal now? For every fucking kid in the land to sound like a tryhard cross between Ali G and Tim fucking Westwood? Fuck off, and take your cunting ‘fam’ with you. Remember that Galaxy ad with the innit rapper and the crooning waif sounding off in the recording booth? Oh, and talking of fucking which…

4) That bastard, Christing, OTHER fucking uber-cunt Galaxy advert with the CGI Audrey Hepburn. This fucking abomination has almost been going on as long as the Hillsborough aftermath. Please, make the fucker stop.

5) This more recent trend of using sounds and close-up noises (read up on ASMR) to almost drive you to distraction and grab your attention. Examples include that supermarket ad which had ultra-loud close-ups of cows chewing grass, and Crunchy nut adverts where the mic is almost inside the chomping fucker’s mouth. Fucking disgusting and excruciating at the same time.

6) Ads which attempt emotional manipulation. These range from saccharine stuff like that dead dad advert from McDonald’s a few weeks ago and the Paul Whitehouse weird undead shit advertising Aviva; right through to the starving African charity ads that hit us from time to time. Nothing however caps cuntlords like Ewan MacGregor lecturing us to dip into our pockets for UNICEF, while that cunt furiously wanks over his £50,000 appearance fee for the privilege of giving you the sermon. Cunt right off.

I’ve probably lumped in several cunt-worthy examples into one congealed cunting, but Christ. Modern ads instantly turn my piss into scorching hot vapour.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back.

T&C’s

Radio Advert terms and conditions is a cunt,

You know what I mean, you’re listening to some shit advert you’re not interested in and when you think it’s over some cunt speaks at a million miles an hour about the terms and cuntditions for 5 minutes. Here are my terms and conditions: FUCK OFF YOU CUNTS.

Nominated by: Black and White Cunt

TV ads where they put the T&Cs on the bottom of the screen, rattle them off and don’t give you enough time to read them. I’ve tried.

What’s the fucking point?

Nominated by: Dioclese

Shitty advertising

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I’d like to cunt two adverts.

1) The latest Audi advert which looks half decent until you get the godawful breathy whiny warblings of Homeward Bound in the background which kills it! (Apparently sung by Gina Kushka – did NOT put that voice with that face).

2) The Amazon add where two “friends” buy each other a pair of knee braces. If you haven’t seen it yet I’m sure it’ll make you vomit.

Nominated by: Rebel without a Cunt!

Synchronised Advertising

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I would like to nominate “Synchronised Advertising” for a cunting.

Generally speaking I avoid adverts like the plague by either watching stuff on catch-up, or, pausing a live show for 15mins, make a brew and then skip through that shite at my leisure.

There are two exceptions:
1) When I’m working away and don’t have the luxury of a Sky or YouView box.
2) Listening to commercial radio on my travels.

Now I know the BBC have no ads (currently) but they do have shit programmes not worth watching or listening to, so I see what’s on FreeView.

As soon as those 118 cunts come on I do a bit of channel hoping and every other commercial channel also seems to be running ads at *exactly* the same time! Cunts.
Same with commercial radio. As soon as an ad comes on I search up/down onto yet another ad, and another, and another.

Again you hit the odd BBC piece of shit but who the fuck wants to listen to Vanessa Feltz drone on about her fucking brood and her 1/2 frog grandkid at 5am in the morning! Not me, that’s for fucking sure!

When we only had ITV & CH4 you never got ads at the same time. Now in the digital era they’re all sync’d so if you do channel hop you still get to see some cunt’s advert knowing full well that for every cunt who’s hopped off their channel, at least one will hop on to theirs.

Whoever managed to organise advertising slots across channels – give or take 10secs – desperately requires an utter cunting! Fucking cunts!

Nominated by: Rebel without a Cunt!

Target advertising on TV

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I decided to watch an old black and white “St Trinians” film with my girlfriend, the film was good I enjoyed it.

The first ad break suggested that should my partner sneeze, cough, or laugh, she may possibly piss herself! Whilst I was informed I should be looking at a funeral plan.

Film continues, new add break. Now I never knew this, but when we take the dog out and she goes blackberry picking, its not so, she is having a sneeky shit behind a bush because she doesn’t take Imodium instants.

At this point my relaxing tickle my ribs entertainment has turned into a rather sinister, “Has she shat herself?” She laughed, “Should I check the sofa” (note to self plastic seat covers, before stair lift) then realising if I mention any of this, I have no funeral plan.

Well done target advertising, I’m off to see Dad’s army next week, fuck knows how you are going to spoil that one.

Nominated by: Lord Benny