A shitty fling – flinging shit.

Liam Smith, a Bristol student (groan) went on a first date with some unnamed bird he met on Tinder. They went to Nando’s for a meal and back to his gaff to watch a scientology documentary. Nando’s and scientology in one night – an interesting pulling technique.

After the ‘top notch’, no expense spared, peri peri chicken fired up her ringpiece, she needed a dump or maybe it was after watching Tom Cruise talking about some scientology shite. Anyway, after she had laid a log, she discovered it wouldn’t flush. Instead of dealing with a floater in the normal way, by drowning the shitstick with loo roll, she instead ‘claimed’ that she panicked and fished it out of the bowl, launching it out of the bathroom window.

First and foremost, what the fuck? Clearly a classy bird, lobbing a turd out of a window, in someone else’s home. Secondly, she didn’t check the window’s orientation, so it actually got trapped in a dead space 18 inches wide looking onto another window.

At that point she had to come clean about her dirty tale and tell Liam what she had done. After investigating, he thought about breaking the window but instead she – who is an amateur gymnast – decided to lean, head first, out of the fanlight window to reach it. Well, it didn’t work and she got wedged between the two windows – a VERY amateur gymnast. So Liam called the fire brigade who after pissing themselves laughing broke the glass to rescue her.

The cost of the replacement window was £300 and he said that is a large part of his monthly budget and he couldn’t afford it. So like any ‘normal person would do’  he set up a crowd funding page explaining the whole sorry saga. Shameless or what?….who the fuck puts their digits to the keyboard advertising this sad night out?

What’s even madder is that his front paid off, since the jammy fucker raised over £2000 in ONE day, well over the 300 quid target.

It seems the pair may also continue to see each other. He must like a ‘dirty scat-ty’ sort, so perhaps next time she will just squat over him and shit on his chest or the glass coffee table The kinky pair!

Anyway, I couldn’t really decide who were the bigger cunts in this story:  Liam or the female ‘shit-putter’ or the mugs who paid for his window. So I put it down to dumb-arsed students in general.

Nominated by Mike Oxard.

 

Cruise holiday bores

A Cunting for Cruise Hoilday Bores.

The talk of Branson’s private island has reminded me of a particularly tedious gent who used to come to my local on a quiet night,and proceed to bore the entire bar with tales of his latest cruise. You couldn’t ignore the Cunt,he had one of those braying voices like fingernails down a blackboard that is impossible to ignore. It was one of the few times where I’ve wished the bar had either a t.v or a juke-box…anything to drown the Cunt out.

Now I’ve nothing against people going away on holiday,but I don’t want to hear about it,and cruises seem to attract the type who think that anyone is interested. Cruises,from what I can make out,seem to be nothing more than a Benidorm-style all-inclusive holiday on a boat,aimed at retired old farts. The holiday-bore seemed to think that stuffing himself with as much seafood as an Orca at Seaworld was the peak of sophistication,and as for his description of dining at (Drumroll)….The Captain’s Table…Well,we mere mortals could only dream of such an honour. I must say, these Captains must have the patience of a Saint and nerves of steel not to introduce Maritime Law and have these self-opinionated,pompous windbags flogged and keel-hauled. Night after night of listening to Cruise-Man…cruel and unnatural punishment indeed.

We heard about the Entertainment,which seemed to consist of washed up cabaret acts and magicians who were desperately hoping that a Butlin’s talent-spotter would see their act and whisk them off to a better class holiday camp. The Casino,.where our hero apparently played baccarat with such success that people thought that he must have a “System”. He did,it involved him,in his imagination “winning big”, when all he’d really won was enough to top-up the leccy-meter when he got home.

As for the countries he visited…Well he was always a bit vague about that….”Oh,it was Thursday,that must have been Cadiz.” Didn’t stop him from holding forth on every country which he’d “toured” far half a day as if he was an expert in every aspect of it. In fact I think he only went ashore when he was virtually forced at cutlass point…probably too frightened of missing a free meal. The staff were all “ignorant brown Chinks” and he took great delight in tipping as little as he could. It’s my fervent hope that he’s remembered on a subsequent cruise and some cabin-staff poison the bastard.

Holiday bores are Cunts, but Cruise-holiday Cunts truly are Ocean-going, triple-funneled, iron-plated, twin-propeller driven, iceberg-dodging, bunting-flying, flag-waving Bores…. I hope Somalian pirates seize every fucking one of them….Absolutely NO ransom will be payed for their safe return…only for their dismembered corpses.

Perhaps Mo Farah might consider rejoining his Somalian countrymen and becoming a pirate when he retires….although No. I’m sure he wouldn’t do anything of the kind.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler.

Munroe Bergdorf

Can we join in a unanimous cunting for Vogue and its first transgender model Munroe Bergdorf and the whole PC\Diversity bollocks please?

Vogue in it’s rush to be seen as diverse, PC and right on thought it was harvesting the high fruit when it hired the chick with the dick as a model. We are all gender fluid and race neutral after all.

Now Munroe spends all “her” time trying to look like a woman and despite the fact he is obviously a geezer down to heavy use of makeup and possibly a bleaching agent it’s not so easy to tell she he he is also of ethnic origin.

Geezer Munroe took her rusty but very heavy irony bar and mashed herself around the head by tweeting “all whites are racist” and the walking version of animal\vegetable\fuck knows what it is has been fired for her/his/its failure to embrace diversity.

Never mind love, if you had bothered to read ISAC now and then you would be fully aware that being a cunt has no boundaries, racial, gender or sexual persuasion.

You Mr\Mrs\Miss\Ms Bergdorf are a cunt and your name sounds like it should be German for dog shit.

Nominated by Sixdog Vomit

I’d like to go mano-a-mano and give a high noon cunting to gender-bender extraordinaire Munroe Bergdorf. Who? Exactly. Who. Or more specifically, ‘what’.

This fucking transgender specimen, possibly now only 5% cock but 100% prime, bullshit-reared cunt has been desperate for attention recently, by claiming that all white people are racist. Insisiting that it is ‘ALL’ whites. Not enough that ‘it’ lost it’s fucking job as a model for L’Oreal for such a divisive, neo-lib attention seeking outburst on FaceBook, the fucker is now doing the rounds and got an almighty tolchoking from cunt Piers Morgan on GMTV this morning. Now, Morgan’s cuntitude is stratospheric to be sure, but when standing up to this freak he was spot on.

Why is it that any fucker a slightly browner shade than Shakespeare’s Sister has carte blanche to demonise the entire spectrum of ‘white’? Remember almighty cunt and hypocrite Jason Osamede OKUNTdaye recently, who spouted similar on Twitter, before folding like a cheap fucking tent and closing his Twitter account to avoid the backlash, no doubt to retreat to his fucking ‘safe space’. Notwithstanding the fact that OKUNTdaye enjoyed every supposed ‘white privilege’ going, and had been afforded a prestigious position in a seat of learning from a supposed ‘white institution’.

Back to this fucking Bergdorf abomination though – the core of it’s message seems to be that colonialism (that old fucking chestnut) somehow logically means that everyone born hundreds of years after the fact is a, quote, “violent white racist”. Munroe later refined this during the Morgan interview as “Straight, white, homophobic violent white racist men.” This fucking freak has so many cards to play of course! Tell me, do the fucking Turks submit to this constant self-flagellation of old colonial guilt for their Ottoman forefathers? Does Italy have to constantly bow it’s head when reminded of the actions of the Romans?

What bothers me most of all is why the fuck are such cunts allowed a platform to spout this level of divisive bollocks? Tommy Robinson gets hauled over the coals for far, far less. This is hate speech, pure and simple – baseless, factually incorrect, totally uninformed unadulterated bollocks. Yet because the cunt ticks so many diversity boxes, they get treated as if they are expressing an ‘opinion’. Funny enough, if I express an opinion that the Pakistani community in Yorkshire have a problem sexually abusing young white girls, then that is deemed unacceptable. Why? It bears more correlation to actual events than the horse-shit spouted by this fucking creature.

Of course, any hate this monstrosity receives will undoubtedly fuel it’s confirmation bias – on this occasion though, I am happy to oblige. Fight cunts with fire!

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

Mike Ashley (2)

Mike Ashley is a fat cockney tight fisted cunt. This bloke who is somehow a multi billionaire came out a few years ago claiming he wanted to win something with Newcastle. I would usually have not blamed him for any problems that occurred after he started spending money on the club. But now the fat cunt has decided because we haven’t won anything yet he doesn’t want to spend anymore money on Newcastle. He reckons he can’t afford to giving anymore money yet Jabba the cunt has recently bought 200 million worth of property! And I wonder where it came from since he hasn’t got that money to spent? Fuck off back to your hole and sell Newcastle while your at it you lying humongous sub human tub of lard cunt!

Nominated by Lord cuntington.

Brighton, East Sussex

Brighton, the Place to Be.

Spotted a number of cunters admitting that they reside within the purlieus of Brighton and thus generating a fools paradise of interest. Allow me to mark some cards. Have had connections in Brighton for many a year. Have seen it evolve from Poof’s Paradise (which it still is me darlings) to a multi-gender-multi-cultural Greens/Labour cesspit. Along the way the classically (allegedly) dodgy council is obsessed with obliterating its delightfully seedy Vicky/Edwardian seaside heritage. After allowing the wonderful West Pier to burn and rot and replacing it with a glass doughnut viewing ring riding up and down on a phallus that grinds to a halt mid air whenever punters are aboard, next move in “regeneration” is stripping out all the remaining genuine heritage. Replacements? Endless booze joints stinking of stale beer and “clubs” thumping out mega loud bass.
The greasers in The Council have trousered a vast quantity of Heritage, Lottery and EU Regeneration cashola. Natural next step? Use that money (though not all of it apparently, allegations of diversions into private slush funds, council bribery and corruption ect ect) to fuck over that for which it was intended ie The Heritage in favour of a weird pastiche of concrete and aluminium (in place of cast iron and brick) reminiscent of Ostend on speed. You can view this EU Remainers paradise from the new Zip Wire dear hearts.

Fancy a walk on the wild side? An evening stroll skipping over spilt booze, used syringes, dosser turds and sharps safes (plastic boxes for used needles cunts) ? Watching a couple of dykes tongue fucking is sure to melt the hardest of hearts. The moon is out, is that a shooting star? (could it be Elizabeth Hurley or one of the slappers from Strictley?) Take a seat in a Magic Booth, one of the few remaining seaside shelters (avoid if possible unless they remind you of home, the ones with dosser cardboard that stinks of human piss and any with blood on the seats) . Your drugs of choice will be brought to you, Also avoid, unless that way inclined, the attentions of the dosser prossies, occasionally genuine refugees but mostly Rumanian skanks. Gotta be hard core to shag one of those. Respect if you can.

So much to do, so much to see. A trip down Marine Drive to watch Dyke Beach Volleyball (avoid needles in the sand) is recommended if the cunter appreciates boy shaped fillies arses (fat arsed variety can’t hack it). Down towards the Marina the discerning cunter may view Pikeys on holiday, caravans nicely parked up in a public car park right on the sea. Heavenly. Opposite on the grass a benefits “refugee” camp of our young male muslim friends . Feeling so loved up now.
Cunters with young children are sure to want to visit and play that old game “Spot a White Face”. Main areas like Western Road and London Road not recommended to avoid disappointment. Frustration and tantrum counseling readily available in Brighton.

Also the Seagulls down here are mugging bastards (and I don’t just mean the football team).

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke.