New Cars

Regarding Mike’s earlier connection with ‘sleb’ culture and its link with moronic consumerism,

May I please cunt people with absolutely brand new cars, especially German ones.

Keeping up with the Jones’s (or more probably the Patels or the Abdullah’s) usually marks you as a pretentious cunt. Surely you’d be better off getting a 2-year old car?

Probably half the price and with its inevitable factory recalls mostly sorted, you’ve just saved yourself 15 grand you could invest in something more sensible, you daft clot.

I was driving on the hellish M25 yesterday and looking round at all the 67-plate cars and felt a sense of satisfaction that I was in a £250 22-year old Toyota Carina.

My wife asked when I’m going to replace it (as I can afford to do so) and I enquired if she’s emabarrassed to be seen in it (it’s also the wankest car in a middle class street, by a country mile). She admitted that yes, she is not only embarrassed to be seen in it by her cunt friends, also it’s “an eyesore” on our road apparently as our neighbours have almost new cars.

So I’ll be keeping it long after its economical repair life if it offends that fucking witch!

Is there a name for such a thing as an anti-consumer way of thought?

Nominated by Thomas the Cunt Engine.

The Human Race

I want to nominate the human race for a cunting, or ninety five per cent of them anyway, there are a few nice genuine people in existence but they’re a tiny minority.

Humans are the most revolting worthless species ever to develop on this planet. Animals are far superior and know how to co-exist, they’re content as long as they’ve got a full stomach and they have a lot more sense.

Take something like a wildebeest, it gets born on the African plains and it has about an hour to get up and follow its mother otherwise it’s dead meat. Compare that with teenagers who run straight out of the school gates into the traffic. Fifteen years on the planet and they haven’t got the brains of a gnat. Treat an animal right and it will love you, treat a person right and they’ll likely kick you up the backside. The law of nature used to be the survival of the fittest. That doesn’t apply to humans any more. The ones with intelligence have careers and the ones who don’t stay on council estates, living on benefits that others provide and breeding more fucking idiots who grow up and do the same.

The human race should be exterminated like parasites before they develop space travel and get the chance to infect other planets. They’re a motley collection of lying, cheating, thoughtless, arrogant, thieving, two-faced, selfish, offensive, bloody fucking arseholes.

Ah. I feel better now.

Nominated by Allan.

Human beings are mostly as thick as pig shit. They harbour beliefs in supernatural beings, churn kids out by the billions without a thought how they are going to be supported and find things to fight about that even a three year old wouldn’t bother about. I’d be surprised if this pathetic species is still here in 500 years. Probably wouldn’t be able to reproduce anyway after the pissy fairy wusses have had every fuckers cocks n minges removed so you have to go to a shit n piss removal centre. Gender free of course. Cunts.

Nominated by Kendo Nag

Meaningless surveys

Nomination: Meaningless surveys

What the fuck. Some bunch of cunts just pulled a couple of dozen people off the street and asked them “Where is the best place to live in Britain?”

Answer ? Skipton

Skipton for fucks sake? Skipton? Have you ever been to fucking Skipton? Well, I have and it definitely ain’t the best place to live in Britain. No way.

And where is the friendliest place in Britain? Keswick – probably because no cunt lives there apart from b&b owners and shopkeepers selling walking gear and tacky tourist trash.

And apparently the best place to live in London is Peckham. Even their Labour MP – one Harriet Harman – lives in Herne Hill which last time I looked wasn’t in Peckham.

What is the fucking point of these surveys other than to fill newspapers with meaningless bollocks?

Nominated by Dioclese.

Prince Charles (9)

Emergency cunting for Prince Charles,
He feels the need to speak out about the Oceans being polluted for the sake of the next generations…
How about all the carbon footprint you and and your family and the staff and empty most of the year properties you ‘own’ cause? What an utter cunt, talk about being a delusional cunt.
Get on your private plane with your private chef and fuck off you cunt.

Nominated by Black and White Cunt.

Old jug ears has once again shown his razor sharp understanding of world issues.

He has praised Somali pirates for the explosion in fish numbers off the east African coast’s failed state. Eco warrior Charlie will have the fish in the Indian Ocean waving Union Flags and hanging out the bunting once he is crowned King. At the same time the salmon, trout, grouse, partridge, foxes and deer of Scotland are perhaps not so keen when he, his family and their entourage of hangers-on are visiting, murdering the fauna and tearing up the countryside for their jollies and japes.

While the fish off the Somalia coast celebrate, since the ‘poor’ village fisherman have found ‘alternative sources of income’, Mo Farah’s abandoned countrymen, Ethiopians, and Eritreans either must starve more than they usually would, make the long trek to Europe for a new life (and millions have) or join the pirates. Why toil away fishing for a few dollars a day when you can make thousands a day from the high seas or enjoy benefits galore in the E.U dreamland of free cash and houses?

Since the year 2000 some enterprising modern day Jack Sparrows have converted their little fishing boats into mini Bismarcks with the help of a few AK47s, RPGs and Uzis. Their prey, the huge unprotected cargo ships carrying hundreds of billions of dollars a year of cargo from Asia to Europe. All they had to do was hijack the ship, hold their crew hostage and demand a multi-million dollar ransom. This was Somalia’s real life version of Monopoly –  with ships instead of hotels in Mayfair – pass go, collect millions and do not go to jail. This game has cost the global economy a mind blowing $12 billion a year (World Bank 2012) over the years, disrupting trade routes, funding regional war, disrupting the lives of locals and helping displace huge numbers of people to Europe. By 2013 it had largely stopped thanks to the Russian and Indian navies patrolling the seas and private security on ships. Unlike the Royal Navy’s meagre attempts in the past to not open fire, the others took a more ‘guns-on’ approach to the problem.

Just this year, the Somali pirates never having bothered with the traditional skull and crossbones ensignia of centuries ago, now seem to be working with the modern black flag meisters of ISIS by moving all sorts of weapons and supplies around for them.

After this epic faux pax by jug ears of supporting thieving, murdering cunts for the sake of some fish, there is no need to fret since the British monarchy will no doubt be assured of longevity and any wavering monarchists need not switch allegiance to the Republican cause.

Republicanism will not stand a chance with Charlie and his equally gifted sons having their hands on the reins of the reign. Charlie boy is a future monarch with his finger firmly on the pulse………..of a corpse.

Nominated by Mike Oxard.


Laura Kuenssberg

Jesus wept. In what realm can this website exist without a single entry for Al-BBC political correspondent Laura Kuenssberg? Putting aside the very real possibility that I myself am a monumental cunt who is unable to properly negotiate the complex procedure of using the search button, please allow me to correct this major oversight.

If I was feeling tired and not up to the job, I’d stop at calling her face the visual encyclopedic definition of Sour Trout. I’d perhaps call the slant-jawed cunt a post-op Douglas Carswell. I could give a succinct yet visceral one-liner about how she looks like a woman with a vagina that smells of fermented tuna. I could even stop at merely calling her a smug, self-satisfied cunt.

No Laura. You aren’t getting off that easily I’m afraid.

Her predecessors, human-sized stool samples like Robert Peston, Andrew Marr and Nick Robinson all brought the level of cuntitude one would expect to the role of dramatising the boring world of Whitehall; infested with dull suits, doublespeak and empty promises. But Kuntssberg takes this to volume fucking 11 – the trademark sneer, the endless namesdropping of ‘her sources’ close to whoever is of momentary press importance, and most cuntly of all, the obvious look of joy on the face of a cunt who actually wants to BE the news as much as she reports on it. You can tell this abomination is a coffee-fuelled, brown-nosing shitstain who scours Twitter during any spare moment when her wonky fucking gob isn’t chattering away on the Al-BBC News or the Daily Bollocktics, desperate for that ‘angle’ that only a cunt like her can revel in regaling. She’s the fucking journalistic equivalent of a 3rd place finishing Apprentice contestant; the soulless talentless cunt you just want to forget but who just keeps whoring themselves around the fucking airwaves.

Her performance in the general election warranted a severe cunting; presumably being out-cunted by many of the politicians at the time. Practically door-stepping Treeza on the morning after the result, as much as May is a cunt herself, summed up Kuntssberg’s shouty-cunty approach to political journalism.

I read that the cunt now needs to he escorted everywhere by bouncers, such is the notoriety her cuntitude has afforded her. All spun of course by her employers as the ‘misogynistic abuse of women in TV’ or something – no, it’s because Laura Kuenssberg packs more cunt to the ounce than most people exude in their entire lifetime.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back.