Key fobs.

I am going to nominate a key fob

Now I was given a key fob by an acquaintance. we all like to please and use the gift given.
I took my car down the car wash big mistake, next thing you know it’s tumbleweed time, they all fucked off leaving partially washed cars and yours truly high and dry with a dirty car.
However I must admit I did this on purpose after the first reaction at my local kebab shop.
Pulled up went in ordered my food , the guy at the counter spoke to the cook popped out the back for a fag and 15 minutes later no kebab and no staff.
The reason as far as I can tell would be my key fob.

It says “home office border agency” they are available on e-bay (item number listed below)<

However don’t buy one unless you are willing to wash your own car, have a barbeque and don’t like curry!

Nominated by Lord Benny

Trump Protesters


Yes it’s here. The social event of the decade for the right on, politically correct, and publicly virtuous extroverts of the British middle classes – Trump is coming, and it’s party time!

What’s not to like? You get to spend the day in a tribal throng making yourself feel good shouting at the straw man with golden hair erected by your peers. You can walk tall, knowing that you are better than others who don’t join in, those ignorant folk suffering from Stockholm Syndrome at the hands of the evil oppressor with the orange face.

Then when you get home you can read about how you are a part of a movement making the world a better place, you can see it on the TV. Look there I am! I am making a difference!

But suddenly the mist of self-aggrandisement clears. Who is this over-confident and self-righteous person really? What is really going on here?

For those of us who know, that sad truth is that hordes of people are protesting Trump because they don’t actually know what’s going on. They don’t know that conservative or traditional social values are very important. They want to believe that it’s a simple and easy thing to do what’s right, that they can go on a day out with their friends, write a few meaningless and shallow platitudes on a board, and that they are doing something worthwhile. But it’s much harder, and much more complicated than that.

Should they be pitied? The mostly childish and spoiled self-righteous gangs of what can only be accurately be called bullies fighting a cause created by self-interested rabble rousing champagne socialists? After all they are mostly young and mostly relatively ignorant. Maybe their heart is in the right place – after all didn’t most of us have more left wing views when we were younger? Maybe they should.

But the unfortunate reality is that they will be painted as the righteous in the pictures of the mainstream media. They will be described as the ones that care (while all the time they don’t really understand what taking it seriously actually means). Yet they will be the ones acting like cunts, trying to overturn by force and occasional violence the democratic and political process that has caused Mr Garrison to take office, and subsequently visit this country as a head of state. They have to believe that over 50% of voters fit the caricature of the selfish white person or gullible fool that has been created by their media stars and heroes.

It takes a lot of effort to understand the world, and a lot of humility. You won’t see this in the eyes and behaviour of most of these Trump protesters that we will soon be seeing on the telly and in the papers. What you will see is what can only be described as a bunch of morons, mindlessly following some bullshit narrative that has evolved from the inane chattering of the prosperous-enough-to-have-to-pretend-to-give-a-fuck classes.

Maybe not all of them are cunts, but a lot of them are, and most of them will appear to be cunts while they trawl the streets like zombies protesting something that they barely, if at all, understand.

Nominated by Cunting Rank Wags


Ed Sheeran tickets (who wants them anyway?)

Ed Sheeran. Not because he is a ginger minger or even a ginger moaner and not because all his songs are repetitive and sound much the same. No, I nominate this little guitar strumming mumbler because he has stitched up ten thousand of his fans by invalidating their tickets. Now I thought it is up to the individual how much they are willing to pay for a ticket to watch him perform, but no little Ed thinks differently, so if you bought a ticket through a different agency than Ed’s official one you cannot watch him play even though your ticket is genuine. That is unless you buy another ticket at the gig and of course, many of these ten thousand did not have the funds to do that and as such were these fans were left very upset

If he is worried about other ticket sites selling his tickets then all you have to do is limit the amount you can buy to four tickets at a time, a simple piece of software will easily achieve this and stop blocks of tickets being sold. Do Not Punish your fans who have made you by their loyalty super rich.

I can only think that you are trying to out cunt Bono and that takes some doing but it appears you have managed it.

Nominated by iamnot


The Brexit negotiations

What a pile of cunt.
We have unelected EU officials on one side capitalising on our weakness and being awkward at every turn. The Irish border is critical. Security a major issue. The EU global positioning system. Tariffs. EU citizens rights. Bollocks. All of this can be sorted with goodwill on both sides. Failure to agree hits them more than us.
Aiding and abetting the Euro cunts are an army of Whitehall civil servants. Remoaners to a man. Pointing out how disastrous every thing will be if we leave.
Add in the cunts at the Bank of England, the Treasury and the Lords you have the full picture.
Then, up pop discredited reptiles – Blair, Mandleson, Branson, Clark and so on who get airtime out of all proportion to their worth.
Blair a devious greedy unprincipled liar.
Mandleson whose honesty is open to serious doubt. (I have toned that down)
Branson who leeches off the state while a tax exile taking every opportunity to show his grinning hippy face.
Clark, a typical southern smug cunt.
And many more.
Some fucker needs to stand up and walk away. Fuck EU. Let the actual elected EU politicians weigh up their losses, which will be far greater than ours. Then we can negotiate.
Cunts one and all.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Estate agents

Estate Agents are cunts, aren’t they.


Mr. Dickhead: “Hello, Cunts & Co, Gavin speaking, how may I help you?”

Captain Mags: “Hello, I’d like to sell my flat. How much do you charge?”

Mr. Dickhead: “Hello sir, 1.5%, plus VAT. Can I have your details, phone number, e-mail, and mobile so we can continually bombard you with houses far too expensive for you and miles out of the area?”

Captain Mags: “1.5% is a bit high. What do I receive for that?”

Mr. Dickhead: “We spend almost five minutes showing people around your flat. We also spend three minutes putting your details on-line. Furthermore, we spend an additional minute putting your property in the window. Sometimes we answer the phone. It’s just non-stop work. Can I take your e-mail address?”

Captain Mags: “Erm, that doesn’t sound like much.”

Mr. Dickhead: “We’ll also promise to lie to you about properties, lose your details, not respect your privacy and ignore your phone calls.”

Captain Mags: “Will you also promise to have appalling customer service and no business sense apart from your own rapacious thirst and immoral sensibilities?”

Mr. Dickhead: “We will endeavour to do so. We will constantly treat you as if WE’RE doing YOU a favour. Moreover, you will be shown around properties by cocky half-wits whose knowledge factor is nought and professionalism is atrocious. Can I take your e-mail address?”

Captain Mags: “Certainly. It’s”

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous