One-Ply Toilet Paper

The commercial cheap skates who buy one ply toilet paper.

I enjoy having a peaceful shit and I always have a smile on my face if I have a no wiper (obviously I have to check if it’s a no wiper by wiping my arse) this is where the party-pooper one ply toilet paper comes into it’s own because that’s very efficient. However how many one wipers do we get, it’s a bit like a truthful politician. A rarity.

Therefore one ply you have to use generally a lot more sheets because you can fold over a 3 ply and be done with it, however with one ply you end up with 94 ply and block the toilet.

If you have an employer who buys one ply toilet paper tell um to fuck off and stick their job and that goes for businesses who serve this crap up to their customers.

Over and out arse virginity blown.

Nominated by: Clown Clown the Cunty Man 

45 thoughts on “One-Ply Toilet Paper

  1. Anyone who remembers Izel medicated bog paper will know how you just smeared shit around instead of wiping it. It was also very easy to cut your arsehole on it.
    You youngsters have no idea what we had to go through back in the day.

    • Or worse, not checking the bog roll before arse-touched-seat!

      Nothing worse than taking a big dump and then realising the bog roll is empty and there’s no spares!

      Kids today…. etc.

      • If the roll is empty, I just waddle along with my trousers around my ankles to the nearest of my six other toilets because I’m considerably richer than yow.
        I did however have to visit four of them the other day before I could gain satisfaction.
        PS this method does not work very well if you have the runs.

    • Izal was evil. Great in primary school for pulling out a great length of it and blocking/overflowing the toilets – I remember we had the high level cistern jobbies – released a fucking great torrent of water!

      Izal would cut your ringpiece to ribbons. If I recall correctly it had that strong, wet paper smell.

    • We had that Izal paper in the school bogs, it must have been like wiping your backside with a cactus. Fortunately I’ve always been regular after breakfast and don’t recall ever needing to dump at school.

      • We had Bronco at home until the 1970s.

        My Dad refused to use the new fangled soft poofter paper at first. 😅

    • Indeed I do remember the tracing paper of the shit wipe world. Crunched up it’s stabbing you in the anus ,just a plain wipe was like oil on glass ….Who ever thought this ersatz loo roll was a good idea is a world class cunt of the highest order…

  2. I think all Labour MPs should be denied even one-ply bog roll. Let Analease and Mandy wipe their arses with sheets of the Daily Mirror. For the many, not the few. Dame Keir and Adonis will continue using the Guardian though…

  3. My grandparents had decent Andrex sort of stuff in the inside bog and that fucking shiny Bronco shit-spreader in the outside one. Weird….

    • My grandparents had an outside bog with Izal in it. Being born in 1904, I suspect that is what grandad liked. Plus he could escape to there for presumably several hours.

  4. Wouldn’t surprise me if some Woke cunt finds using white/pink toilet roll hugely offensive/homophobic/racist etc. Suggesting there should be black toilet paper (bog roll of colour, perhaps)

  5. A friend of mine discovered that there was no paper left after taking a dump at the Pub…he ended up carefully sticking each leaf of his cigarette rolling paper together until he had a workable sheet of arsewipe…..they don’t teach that kind of useful preparedness at The Scouts.

    Try wiping yer hoop with docken leaves that unfortunately have the top of a nettle mixed in with them….there’ll be no more complaints about single-ply.

    • Morning Dick,
      Morning all,

      Anyone else had a turd that resembles a celebrity?
      I had one that looked a bit like Denzel Washington!
      And once after mild tummy upset one that looked like blues legend John lee Hooker!
      Ow ow ow ow….

      • Moderated?
        Admin, is H00k£r a trigger word?

        (More than likely. Wordfence is becoming very touchy, feely, hurty these days. Probably gone woke – DA)

      • Morning Ruff😁
        Yes I know your not admin.
        Although you might be?
        I didn’t know General Chiggun was admin till Bertie did some Colombo work!
        Not as surprised as another cunter though!! Lol😀😀

        (I was watching episodes of The Prisoner last weekend, and was quite fascinated by that huge bouncy ball thing chasing No 6 on the beach. I wonder if that was a a nude Anne Widdecombe or Gemma Collins? – DA)

      • I had one that looked remarkably like Warwick Davis…of course I cheated slightly by using a photo of him as a guide…rather like a monochrome colouring-in book. Thought I was going to run out of fucking “paint” afore I got that massive forehead filled in.

        (Talking of useless & befuddled turds, get ready to fill your boots with the next nomination at 9am sharp! – DA)

      • @ MNC 8:08

        Who is General Chiggun?

        PS: I know you know I’m not Admin, just thought it best to clarify in case less knowledgeable cunters got the idea I was.

      • I once curled out one that looked like Malcolm Muggeridge – it had a bulbous nose.

        Arnie Schwarzenegger (c1985) turds are relatively common if I am a bit dehydrated (i.e. lumpy).

      • Morning Admin.

        The bouncy ball in The Prisoner is called Rover, so definitely a dog. 😀

    • I can mind using the old docken leaf as a kid. Caught short up the woods or down the old railway line. Fairly good actually. Funny how we always seemed to find an old porn mag full of clip sheers.
      Bizarre.

  6. If you happen to be a muzzer, you just use your hand. I worked in an office full of the dirty cunts. Iwas a project for Kuwaitis, so management bent over backwards for them – first they used to take cups if water into the cubicals and everybtime I wanted a shit, everywhere was covered in water where they had flicked it out if the cup up their arse. However, it got worse as management installed these special bogs with a spray hose attachment. I gave up and use to hold in a shit until I got home.

    • The shithouse.
      The most relaxing place in a home.
      Serene and tranquil as you give birth to a budding Harvey price.
      We have 3ply because we live in luxury,
      But once or twice when in the woods with the dog ive had to drop cable urgently, and if no makeshift wipe ie-tissue, bandana or hanky its unfortunately leaves or grass or moss.
      Fruit salad sometimes causes this? And it can either be a wrist thick python or worse a pebbledash spray of slightly yellow curry.
      Anyway, breakfast is ready 😁

      • Is your “3ply” actually the sheets of newspaper that your chips were wrapped in before being “upcycled” and hung on a nail in your “luxury” outdoor netty ?

        Morning,Mis,
        Morning,All.

      • You may sneer Fiddler but the Metro is highly absorbent and id not wipe my arse on anything else!

        Maybe the Guardian…

  7. Of course these days, most people carry a ready supply of arse wipe around with them attached to their faces. Make sure you wash your four ply out when you have finished and you are ready to go again. Shop and plop ’til you drop!*

    Copyright Trusted PPE.

  8. Get yourself a stool (no pun intended) for the shitter, so your body is ‘ergonomically aligned’ for the task. Seriously, the majority of your shits will be one-wipers. Well two (Jesus, is it possible to say anything shit-related without puns?), second one to believe it.

    • Apparently, many of the New English from the sub-contintent can’t use the bogs in the council properties and squat on the rim to shit and piss in the bowl. The consequence is a number of broken toilets. Guess who pays for the repairs?

      As an aside, our local hotel is full of dinghy riding scum. The latest thing seems to be middle-class whiteys bringing them “treats” or whatever. All I see is Waitrose carrier bags. Says it all really.

  9. PS – board seems to be business back to usual today. NA, sorry for being an impatient cunt last night… 😒

  10. I use some loo roll and those flushable moist wipes. It is far more efficient than loo roll alone.

    I buy shops own make as it’s cheaper. No point buying expensive stuff for something to be flushed away after.

  11. And another thing, check the diameter of the hole in the roll, it’s been getting bigger to give you less. I always buy my shit paper by weight because of all the tricks they use to try and fool the consumer. There is no free lunch and no free way to deal with the byproduct of it. Every time you slide a sheet through your crack they are really giving it to you straight from the board room.
    Bannana leaves ar the way to go, single ply with a long pull through, ask any recent immigrant.

    • Good point Six – I may keep all my used paper and send it back to the manufacturer with a complaint if I don’t get enough wipes out of a roll. That’ll learn them.

  12. Sir Limply Stoke once claimed that the British Empire was built on Izal,however things move on. 1-ply commercial bog roll these days is a disgrace. Also if it’s too narrow. It’s the sort of stuff I imagine Amazon supply for their staff. As Viz once said, “You can’t stop them taking a shit on the company’s time, but you can make it uncomfortable for them”.

    The 3-ply Nicky toilet roll is acceptable. Actually very good. I have ran a 4 year test of it and it hasn’t blocked the bog yet. At £3.99 for 18 in Home Bargains I can’t complain. There is a Nicky Mega Pack (32 toilet rolls) for £6.79 but I’ve only seen that once.

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