Toilet Paper Hoarders

For my cunting debut, I nominate people who hoard toilet paper.

I just hit the last unit in an eight-roll package of toilet paper I bought during the Great Paper Goods Panic of early March, when the local grocery stores could not keep toilet paper (I believe you call it “bog roll”), paper towels, and facial tissues in stock.

The American public will sit placidly while their civil liberties are revoked and they are forced into a sort of neo-feudalist system, enforced by rampaging gangs of leftist twats.

All they ask is that a) they get a good cell phone signal and/or free wi-fi and b) that they don’t have to wipe their butts with their hands. (They need the cell phone to work so they can post pix of the giant supply of toilet paper, right after the pic of the corn muffin they are about to eat.)

Never mind the pandemic. These runs on basic supplies occur every time a moderately strong series of thunderstorms roll into the Northeast from Saskatchewan.

Adding insult to injury, when I purchased the eight-pack of Scott brand toilet paper (because it was the smallest option available) I felt like a cunt.

I don’t like feeling like a cunt.

So I issue a hearty cunting to all those bozos who fly into a blind panic when faced with the prospect of having to make alternative and temporary arrangements in the personal hygiene department.

Nominated by: A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Cunt

95 thoughts on “Toilet Paper Hoarders

  1. Bloody hell, just on the last roll of an eight pack you bought in March, do you wash it out and reuse it 😂

    Or only have a shit once a week.

    • Fuck me, 8 rolls lasted march to October?
      You in nick?
      About 2 week in our house that.
      Splash out! Treat yourself!
      Get another 8pack, go wild,
      Get a 24 pack!!
      Do what RTC does and never shit at home, do it in neighbours or shop toilets youd get 12 month out of a 8pack that way.

      • They do say everything in America is bigger, we may need General Cunster or Imitation Yank to confirm if indeed they do have mutant rolls of bog paper.

        • Hey LL,

          No gigantic mutant rolls in the US that I’m aware of.

          I won’t presume to speak for my friend, Imitation Yank (or comment on his bowel habits) but perhaps our new colleague from Connecticunt isn’t as full of shit as I am?

          Welcome ACY in KAC.

          • Do what MNC does – wipes his arse on leaves collected while out exposing himself in parks and the countryside. 😁

          • Now its autumn they have a satisfying crunchy noise.
            To be honest Ruff,
            I rarely wipe my arse.😀

          • Sounds like Izal medicated toilet paper. Useless stuff that smears shit all up your arse crack.

          • Would that be joe biden who is full of shit general?george is it dubya.pssst its trump you senile old git.!thanks forgot where i am again!

          • My stools have been so dry recently there’s fuck all left to wipe. Not had a satisfying shit for 2 weeks. Probably bowel cancer.


          I had to get to the bottom of this claim. It’s plausible folks if USA bog roll is as above.
          8 x 1000 1 ply sheets per roll
          March-Oct roughly 245 days
          8000 ÷ 245 = 33 sheets per day (rounding up)
          @ say 3 sheets per wipe (to avoid fingers going through) = 11 arse wipes per day
          (assuming that no roll is used to blow his/her nose, stem shaving cuts etc)
          Presumably our Yankee friend lives alone (certainly not with woman) and doesn’t partake of a curry after a night on the brown ale in order to meet that target. That or his undercrackers are a sight not to behold.

          • DickD That is a good approach to forensically checking ACWCC’s claim, which is therefore “plausible”

            Add a woman to the household and it becomes “busted”

          • Three strokes is correct. A woman will multiply bog roll use by at least 10. THEY have to wipe minges with fucking handfuls of the stuff at least 6 times a day.

          • What’s he need bog roll for? It’s not like he can reach his arse anyway. His ‘helper’ should just hose out the cunt’s hole.

          • Seen his t shirt?
            A crucifix and ‘Jesus’ on it.
            Good job that obese cunt wasnt up for crucifixion!
            No way nails and cross would hold his weight,
            Might get him up on it but guarantee itd creak, splinter and come crashing down .

    • Well…

      I already had a couple of rolls. I live alone. I spent August elsewhere. And I don’t eat much.

  2. Well I don’t know about the bog roll situation in Yankland but don’t you have any P*ki shops over there? Even at the height of the bog roll, hand sanitizer and face mask shortages I could stroll into any P*ki shop round my way and buy what I wanted. Of course you had to pay through the nose for it but that’s capitalism innit? P*kis seem to be able to get their hands on anything. You need more P*kis in your country mate.

    Er………actually, that’s probably not a good idea. Don’t listen to me, i’m a cunt.

  3. I always remember a sign in the window of our local Co-op some years ago offerering ‘recycled toilet paper’. The mind boggles.
    We’re a bit luckier over here. When all else fails, you can use ‘The Groaniad’. There’s an added bonus if there’s an article by Little Owen or Alibaba-Brown with picture. Indulge yourself.

    Welcome to the mad world of IsAC, Yankee!

  4. In the olden days you would likely have an old newspaper lying about that you could use in an emergency. Nowadays everyone gets their news online. Can’t wipe your arse with a laptop – at the very least things would get messy. I guess i am working my way around to saying I sort of understand bog roll hoarding now that the printed media is practically a thing of the past. Of course, MPs get it on expenses because they are cunts.

    • Newspaper wasn’t used in emergency it was used in preference to that Izal sandpaper 😂

      Thank fuck for the greatest invention of the 20th century, Soft Bog Roll.

        • Remember my primary school has that. Would hold in a shit until I got home as I didn’t want shite smeared all over my ringpiece. Fucking disgusting.

          • Yeah , me too. I’d hold it until I got home.
            Although once , I’d sat on a radiator in the school-library for an afternoon , whilst reading.
            Made it the half a mile walk from the bus , to my street – and promptly exploded down the backs of both legs , with what was estimated to be probably 5 pints of steaming liquid – bordering on toxic-waste territory.
            The 3 workmen fixing the pavement were in stitches. They can thank their lucky stars that regulation grey school shorts at that time in the 60’s – were thick affairs. Otherwise they’d have been covered neck to knee.
            Later calculations showed that the 2.5L of diarrhoea itself underwent a change in velocity from 500 mph down to zero , in just 220 milliseconds – which translates to a momentary g-force of 160g at the seat of the shorts. Beat that Lewis Hamilton.

  5. May I offer a You and Yours Wireless 4 hint? – if you find yourself in Tier 3 and Sadiq’s Convenience Store runs out of Andrex there is a very good alternative: every Tuesday buy a copy of “The New European” – you might find a front page photo of Barnier or Blair which makes it a bonus. Soon your problems will be behind you.

  6. I saw some cunt in Tesco the other day taking six large bog roll packs from the shelf, when the sign clearly said three maximum per customer. I bet checkout let him buy them all.

    • I saw something similar when lockdown started this spring – except that wife, hubby and daughter old enough to know better took giant economy packs of 48 with rictus grins on their faces. What is ridiculous is that nobody, not even the BBC at it’s most hysterical ever suggested the shits was a major symptom of Covid 19.

  7. What gets me about this is that it just doesn’t make any logical sense. Do these cunts think that the virus is particularly virulent in toilet roll factories and that all the workers there are going to be struck down with it?
    I just can’t get the mentality of people that do this, all fucking morons.

    • Selfish fuckers.
      Mard as fuck.
      Owww, might run out of toilet roll! Ill stockpile it so me, little Hamilton and little shonika dont have to suffer, fuck everyone else!
      Hope they rupture their tripes the little cunts.
      Enough for everyone, no need for it.
      If I think your a panic buyer,
      Ill shit my pants and come round your house,
      Squelch on your sofa and kick my shit filled undies beneath your bed.
      Im as much a cunt as anyone.

      • Evening MNC. Whilst on the subject of bog roll and bottoms, I had a surprise call this morning, Chrissie Hynde , Vivienne Westwood and Jordan wanting to attend one of our little get – togethers.
        I refused point blank, quite like a bit of Punk, but we do have standards, ( although why we’re letting Bertie bring Gracie Fields round on the crossbar of his bike, I’ll never know. I assume you were pissed when you arranged it ).I didn’t consult you, as I was sure you wouldn’t go near the three slags involved ……
        Thankfully ‘ scratch n sniff ‘ internet hasn’t been invented … yet.
        You just know somebody would …. shudder

        • Evening Jack👍
          Its nice of you to make executive decisions without consulting me, maybe knowing I like punk youd of thought “maybe MNC will like a dabble?
          Vivienne Westwood wasnt to bad in the 70s, although now shes hideous, her teeth look like driftwood’
          Maybe MNC will like to pogo with them in his nazi armband and swear a lot!
          You can make amends by getting something for Jane Seymour from Victorias secret,
          Something slutty!

          *Bertie? God yeah im dreading it to be honest, him soft shoe shuffling pissed up while Gracie warbles about giant aspidistra.
          But hes ISAC to the core and he helped me stop wetting the bed.
          Owe him Jack, know what its like.

          • I fear I may have committed a terrible faux pas. I didn’t think you’d be interested.
            I’ll call them back and you can have a foursome, I’ll pass.
            I’ve ordered Jane something in latex, with strategic bits missing.
            It will arrive labelled ‘ Gardening Gloves – Large ‘. So Mrs. MNC doesn’t cotton on.
            Smelly Jordan … pooh !

          • Jack, tell them to bring that Helen the little midget from the great rock n roll swindle!
            Not for the bedroom,
            But nothing makes me laugh like a dancing midget!!

      • You could use your mask in an emergency, after wearing it for a hour or so it will be nice and moist.

        How’s that for northern ingenuity, I think I will write to Boris so he can advocate getting the most out of your mask at his next press conference.

    • I recall at the start of this fuckwittery the first response was hoarding shit tickets. I briefly cast my mind to it and my first analysis was that the faintest suggestion of a shortage brought to the fore their phobia of getting shit on their fingers. Need a layer of tree fiber between their shit and their hands to protect their sensibilities from reality.

      I like the Muslim approach to cleanup, shit roll is way down their list of clean outcomes, water is #1. The poorest Muslim will leave his business with a pink CLEAN nipsy. They say “how can you be clean if you don’t use water?”

    • Last week I saw 3 sparki women with a trolley each leaving a well known frozen food shop. Each trolley was loaded up with the big 24 roll packs of arse wipe, but in a vain attempt to make themselves not look like greedy fucking bastards they each had a couple of bags of frozen chips at the top of each pile. When I’d bought my 3 bags of sausages for a tenner and walked outside I nearly fucking died laughing. These three greedy cunts were loading up a shitty little car about the size of a Nissan Micra. They’d already filled the boot and were trying to shut the lid, the back seat was full and these 3 thick greedy cunts were yabbering away and waving their arms about in a state of confusion, they still had another half dozen multipacks and 3 dumb cunts to try to cram in that car. It wasn’t just me that noticed this act of pure greedy cuntishness, there were other honky folks staring open mouthed or shaking their heads in disgust. One lady even said to me as she walked by “they’ll be selling that in their shops if another Lockdown comes!”. I then left the scene so I have no idea what the final outcome was.

  8. It has been slightly less retarded this second lockdown, as some have worked out it isn’t actually the apocalypse, and shops have been able to overstock on the items the fucking mongs stripped the shelves of last time.
    Those cunts who filled trollies of stuff back in March deserve killing with hammers.

  9. Breaking news : not bog roll related!

    A migrant boat has sunk in the channel, it had the decency to sink in French waters so the useless fucking French have had to rescue the survivors and take them to Dunkirk, some have died.
    Not a reason to celebrate but now it will put a lot more pressure on the French authorities to stop turning a blind eye to these cunts climbing into dinghies on French beaches.

      • It’s the libtards fault for encouraging these cunts to get in the dinghies in the first place.
        Oh, just get here and we’ll see you alright……4 star hotels, interpreters, libtard lawyers to fight your case……..just say you’re gay and they can’t send you back.
        But the MSM will spin it another way…….it’s the government’s fault for not providing flights to bring them across in the first place. Murdering bastards!

    • Never fear: the Guardian and the LoonyLeft will somehow blame Boris and racist uncaring England for the disaster.

      Perhaps even Hamilton and Rashford will insist on a 2 minute silence with the entire nation on bended fucking knee.

      • Rashford will probably insist they all get a square meal (supplied free from the Brit government) BEFORE leaving Froganese shores, and Hamilton will insist on giving them his first music opus – with a free iplayer to keep them going while drowning.

  10. A relative I have living in Coventry seen a group of sand demons punch a child in the face and pushed the mother over to get to the bog rolls, full trolley, selfish shower of Abdul cunts!!!!

    • The same fucking cunts who sell it to their relatives who run the P*ki shops and make me pay twice the price because I am too civilised to punch a child in the face to get to it.
      The wonderful world of diversity that Owen Jones and Polly Toynbee don’t know exists.

  11. I must be mellowing in my old age, because I am quite liking the French at the moment.

    I’ve always thought that Macron was a cunt. But I respect him for saying what everybody’s been thinking for the last few years. If the Turks want to start, France will hopefullly kill the bastards. And anyone who wants to bomb the shithole that is Turkey will do for me.

  12. I would like to welcome our new Yankee friend, King Arthur,
    to our esteemed club of cunts,Cunts and re-cunters.
    He maybe a Yankee cunter, but he appears to have gendered
    much Cuntish comment. well done Sir, (yankee cunt that u are)

  13. To this very day I still don’t understand it. Toilet paper doesn’t even taste that good. Have they run out of wraps for their tachos/burritos/whateveros???

  14. I often wondered what it was about the threat of the big C that made people rush out for toilet roll, were there all planning on stuffing their faces with the pasta that they’d also stocked piled and then shitting themselves to death?

  15. Thanks, I just rewatched the three fat slurries fighting over date rolls. Still hilarious, ‘ no not one packet’.

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