Themed Pubs

More a lament than a cunting.

Found myself in Barnsley town centre the other night on Welligton Street the main thoroughfare for nightlife. ‘Digital’, ‘Volt’, ‘Secret’ the names of the pubs. If you can call them pubs.

I peered in (not open because of Covid) all three the same minimalist square tables and chairs, just painted plaster on the walls. I remember it going downhill with the ‘Pulse’, then ‘Bar One’ which was a shed.

I have almost nostalgia for the craze for theme pubs. The ‘Sportz Bar’ wasn’t bad-aerobics on the video, basketballs on the pumps. The main ‘activity’ though getting drunk. ‘Panama Joe’s’ up the riad-,’Route 66′ guitar on the wall, Elvis hits, on the bar an Indian Chief. (would that be lowed now?) ‘Mustsng Sally’s’ wasn’t bad -saloon bar doors, the place in the shape of a horseshoe.

The funniest theme pub though was ‘No Great Shakes’ wait for it – the aftermath of an earthquake- the ceiling and walls at angles to each other. It made you feel sick (and that was before the drink). Same with ‘The Beach’ too much liquid sloshing about (and that just the decor).

The Irish pubs where plastic paddies plotted their (round the town).
Further back I remember ‘The Radical and Liberal Club’ mentiined in Orwell’s ‘The Road to Wigan Pier’ Changed into ‘Pharaoh’s’ the facade an ancient Egyptian tomb. Buried Barnsley.

My mother and father in ‘The Gardener’s Arms’. I was sent in to get the pop and crisps. So exciting. The ‘Vine Tavern’ was an old style pub with a fire in. The landlord keeping watch to see if people had their drink, everyone sat close. Bar bllliards, darts of course the silence respected if there was a match.
Oh well, all passed. ‘Time’

Nominated by:Miles Plastic 

64 thoughts on “Themed Pubs

  1. Only themed pub ive been in was a viking themed one, mead, big wooden table, long benches, shields on the wall etc
    Was alright I suppose.
    Theyre making a comeback themed pubs or were till chink flu.
    Stockport had one thats a victorian gin palace theme.

    • Yate’s by any chance? Always been that way if they are still around. Decent boozers but vile wine best imbibed when already rat-arsed. Bass in the Bolton one I think. Nottingham Yate’s was a cracker.

      Long time ago.

      • No cuntstable, the Yates in Stockport is long gone.
        Did they fold or something?
        Not seen one anywhere else either.

        • There’s a Yates’ in York as far as I am aware MNC – but randomly the Wetherspoons there is fantastic – you can sit round the back next to the river, it’s a lovely view!
          Barnsley used to be lovely, used to teach martial arts at some sports centre there Years ago – good hard lads them!
          Now it’s heroin and peacefuls – another town taken over and lost.

          • Ive probably frank in every pub in York Foxy!!
            The Yates near the bridge?
            Barnsley? My cousins are Barnsley lads.

          • Funnily enough, some of the nicest lads I know are from Barnsley-white, proud patriotic English gents born in the 60’s and 70’s😀

          • Agree CG!
            Im a big fan of Yorkshire and its people, tend to be down to earth bit like Geordies only tighter!!

          • Having banged both in my younger days, I can confirm your statement.
            No, really😂😂😂

  2. I also remember when pubs were just pubs.

    They sold beer and spirits. You might get a packet of crisps or nuts and maybe a sandwich.

    There were loads of these places in every town and village. There was no sky TV and no themes just darts and perhaps a jukebox. The saloon bar was slightly smarter than the public bar. For example it might have some carpet down and a ‘snug’ which was a screened area. That is as sophisticated as they got.

    Somehow this minimal business model worked for many years. The changes started in the 80s with gastro-pubs and yuppie wine bars.

    I sometimes yearn for the simplicity of those days when there were no pretensions.

  3. Must apologise for the laziness of the writing/spelling.

    The cunting not clear because its mixing up about the Town with local pubs.

    Think I’ll add a positive note. I worked collecting glasses in a nightclub in the town when I was about 15. What a baptism of fire that was. Like something out of a western the whole place fighting. The bouncers starting the fights. Same all over town. So with the introduction of ‘professional security’ that has gone.

    It’s just the town seems so soulless to me now.

  4. Fuck me sitting in a boozer right now…….first time since lockdown. The theme is…….no fucking beer on tap! Just paid £5.15 for 2 bottles of Corona.
    Fucking robbing cunts!

  5. I remember going regularly to The Greyhound near Streatham Common in the early ’70s. It was tricked out like a Victorian street, with shop windows and facades.
    Bit confusing, as at slinging out time and pissed , you didn’t know if you were in or out. Well at least I didn’t.

    • The Greyhound closed down a few years ago but has reopened as “The Rabbit Hole.” Never been in there but apparently it has an Alice in Wonderland theme. Sounds a bit gay to me, especially with the Common across the road. I’ll be giving it a miss.

      • Ha! Ha! Freddie.
        Visited Streatham on business about 10 years ago. Thought I was in downtown Mogadishu.
        Fuck me how things have changed.

        • Yeah Streatham is the place to go if you want to find a Skinny, or any other African. There’s a cafe where the Skinnies hang out all day long, conveniently close to the Job Centre Plus. On a dark winter afternoon their massive shiny foreheads act as a warning that a sharp right hand turn is coming up. How nice of them.

    • Loads of decent country pubs, and the odd decent one in towns.
      Worst pub I ever went in was in Ashton, Tameside.
      Was only young, pissed up, goes in we order a pint, asked “wheres the jukebox? ”
      “No jukebox in here son”
      Bit snotty, but musics playing?
      “Well wheres this shite coming from?!”
      “Out! Thats it, out!”
      Turns out he was in some band ‘Five penny piece’ in the 60s only plays his old bands music!!
      Like him from League of Gentlemen’ Les McQueen Creme Brulee’.

      • “Are the band here for the reunion – I paid the money for the tour”
        “Ony thing ere is a Fiesta wi its engine fucked”! 😄

      • Five penny piece – I remember them! I just looked them up and found out that all the original members are now dead so you wouldn’t get much change out of them.

        • He wasnt cut out to be a jovial landlord Bertie.
          Bet he insisted on his own music at the funeral.
          The boring cunt.

  6. Me and my mates love a pub crawl. Any excuse. Birthdays, payday, mid summer and St George’s Day is a must. Cunty China flu fucked that one but we are doing St George’s plus 6 months on 23rd October. Always hit traditional pubs, may do Irish bars and Wetherspoons but avoid All Bar One’s. Also pick a part of London or the home counties we’ve not been to before in an attempt to keep some back Street boozers afloat, especially now. Did one last week in Enfield. Bit of a pain to organise as had to book tables etc but was a success in that we all got pissed and none of us has got the Cunty chinky flu.

    • My local is great – really nicely done out, 3 quid for a pint of Guinness, if you get hungry the Landlord is happy for you to get takeaways in to eat, and it’s dog friendly so there are usually hounds galloping about – and full of rough types like me – top form!

      • There’s a dog-friendly pub near me. Young women called Harriet in Pashminas bring in their coffee-coloured pugs. One of them wore a cape.

        • That sounds lovely, Cuntamus Prime.

          Pugs in pub in a pashmina. Were they drinking prosecco and partaking of peanuts? 🙂

    • The oldest pub in the Uk is in Nottingham,
      Last stop til jerusalem
      I think its called?
      Meant to be your last chance of s swift pint before going on a crusade to the holy land.
      York has some great pubs, including the ‘Golden Fleece’ with a real human skull in a box next to the bar.
      Impressed me that.
      Like theyd got Jeffery Dahmer to decorate.

      • Lots of good pubs in York MNC – and I am glad our peaceful friends are not (public) drinkers – don’t want to be around them.

        • Used to go York every year mate.
          With the missus when courting, then with the kids when they were little.
          Used to go for jorvik festival too.
          A great place.

        • It is.
          They have some pub game in there big metal rings on the wall, never seen it anywhere before,
          Had decent ale on too.
          Was catching a train home only stopped because it was the oldest pub tbh.

  7. Colonel Mustard in Leeds, gone now but I am sure you can guess the theme.

    Clue: It was across the road from Waddingtons (Clue… get it)

    I’ll get mi coat.

      • It was laid out inside like the Cluedo board, it probably had lead pipe plumbing 😂

        I used to play table tennis for Waddingtons in the mid to late 80’s , it was ok for a beer after the game.

  8. They’re stupid but I have to admit that I didn’t mind the Beer Keller place I once went to in Manchester.

    Drunken old fashioned oompah music, staff in old German attire, people dancing on tables and ale served in 2 pint stein. Although after watching hundreds of WW2 documentaries, it did have the feel of a place where Adolf could suddenly walk in to give a ranting speech and cause a mass brawl.

  9. When I was a kid back in the 70’s I used to live near Bigbury in Devon where we frequented a shit hot themed pub called The Tom Crocker. It overlooked Burgh Island and had a long cobbled street inside, with trees and street lights, realistic mock house facades it really was like being in an indoor street. At the end of the street it opened out into a massive Hawiian style tiki bar with palm trees, bamboo bars, small mock beaches etc. Wonderful place! Then in the 80’s I used to make the 40min drive from Plmouth with my fanny de jour and they loved it. Sadly fucking bulldozed in the early 90’s I think to make way for £1m flats for minted cunts. Sad, sad times indeed; would love to have taken my kids there.

    • Westy, there’s a pub in Derbyshire called the Hanging Gate that goes mental with Christmas decorations, people come from all over to get in the festive mood.
      They even have coach trips turning up!!

      • I love that sort of thing MNC. Got a pretty good one on the edge of Dartmoor that does an amazing Halloween theme called The Highwayman. It’s creepy as fuck at the best of times, especially when the weather turns all ‘Hound of the Baskervilles’ up on the Moor.

        • Sounds good!👍
          Theres a old pub we go called the Wizard in cheshire and it backs straight onto a wood,
          Full of caves where they used to mine for copper.
          Its in books by Alan Garner, thats a bit creepy when mist rolls in.
          Chase away the spooks with some strong spirits!!☺

        • I’ve just had a search for The Highwayman and it looks to be a right good place, eclectic owners and establishment.
          One of a dying breed, I love pubs, country pubs in particular and atmospheric ones the most.
          All hail the British institution.
          I support them at many levels, frequently.
          (Harveys ‘Best’ bitter is shit, go for the IPA).

  10. My hometown of Bexleyheath had a themed pub called the Rat and Parrot. It was converted from a closed down kwik save.

    The theme was coked up chavs glassing each other over a spilled pint and then doing a drive by with a nail gun on the bouncers when they got thrown out.

    All set to a backing track of banging techno.

    (What you and Technocunt get up to should remain behind closed doors – admin)

  11. Used to have a quick one in the vine on our Friday night tour round. Now a fleet of fucking Humber tugs couldn’t drag me anywhere near the town centre on an evening.

  12. I always fancied running a nice country boozer as a retirement job-probably Yorkshire Dales or similar.
    Maybe call it Cromwell’s last stand?
    Free pint and Bar snacks for all ISAC regulars👍

  13. The nomination picture, I wonder if that big room belongs to lord Dicky Fiddler.

    I imagine he lives in a stately home with his hounds, classic furniture etc. “Get off my land, or I fill you with both barrels!”

    But he has a secret room that is hidden behind a rotating bookcase like batman.

    • Spoons whatever you do DONT go in Fiddlers secret room.
      Its like a H.P Lovecraft story, things from other dimensions with tentacles….

      • Never got that far meself MNC – Lady Fanny rejected my gentlemanly advances and when she threw me out (with a wrestling move – strong gal is the fragrant Lady Fiddler!) I discovered some rotter had nicked all the lolly sticks out of my BMX spokes and ran it over! 😢

  14. The Mayflower in Rotherhithe, London really fucking old. Called the Mayflower because that is where the ship stopped before sailing to America. Cracking pub, totty, great food and overhangs the Thames. Doing that area for St George’s Day plus 6 months.

  15. Was in a pub in London some years ago and they were showing a Tottenham game on what was a premium (like box office) channel. I sad to my mate, “what kind of pub pays extra to show that bollocks!” Apparently the manager was a Spud fan so we didn’t stay long…

  16. Haven’t been a regular Pub drinker for years.
    Most visits tended to be for meals / family catch-ups or while away on holiday.

    Recall few of the many ‘Themed’ pubs from my youth, but I remember two that stood out ;

    ‘Flynn’s’ ; circa 30yrs ago, Newcastle-on-Tyne – themed on the actor Errol Flynn – big posters of his movies & black&white framed photo’s of stars of Hollywoods golden age adorned the walls ; Bogart, Cagney, Edward.G.Robinson, Greta Garbo, Fay Wray, Rita Hayworth, Douglas Fairbanks, etc

    The other, I only visited once, but it left an impression ….
    The ‘Peanut Bar’ in Ostend ; so called as bowls of monkey nuts were supplied throughout. You broke them open & dropped the shells on the floor, so the whole place ‘crunched’ as you walked around. I remember it because of the energetic bar-tender – Elvis impersonator ; Buffont black hair, studded white jumpsuit, platform boots, huge sideburns “are you lonesome, tonight”… “Viva, Las Vegas !”

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