Vacuum Cleaners

A round the house Cunting for Vacuum Cleaners.

The vacuum cleaner is a very simple contraption, an electric motor (apart from the billy goat which is petrol) an impeller and some form of collection bag and filter.
The flaw in the system is the collection bag and the filters that slowly block causing the motor to labour (sometimes overheat) and reduced performance.

Dyson miniaturised a dust extraction system with his cyclonic tubes and came out with a very good vacuum cleaner, (there are two filters in it, but very minimal maintenance) I think it was the DC9 that we had, I fucking loved it. Then the MRS decides that it is too heavy, cumbersome and the lead gets in the way so we need to get one of these new super duper cordless ones. The advert shows this wonderful slim line object that zips round the house with amazing performance and even a perfume insert to freshen the room as you clean. So we bought one.

When it turned up it was not bad for a little cordless thing (18v) but it did not clean to the edges of the room, I also noticed that it had a few problems with the step from rug to floor, however that was resolved by purchasing the hand held version with upholstery attachment, that also worked well for a bit.

Both systems have composite foam and rubber filters with a cotton core, according to the manufacturer easy to clean. Are they fuck, whether you hand or machine wash the fuckers a residue of shit seems to remain inside them that then starts to ferment during the drying process.The end result is a smell of wet dog being blasted round the house as you clean, I fucking hate these new Vacuum cleaners and morn my old Dyson.

Nominated by: lord benny

53 thoughts on “Vacuum Cleaners

  1. Dysons are all very well and good, but fucking hell they’re expensive for what they do.

    Personally I have a Henry – piss easy to use, lots of attachments, and sucks better than Ms Sparkletits

  2. One of my neighbours threw out an upright vacuum cleaner – being the skip rat I am it went straight to Fox towers, the drive belt reconnected and still working perfectly three Years later. (The neighbours front garden is a vacuum graveyard).
    New vacuum cleaners are overpriced over complicated junk which are sold on guilt – “is your home really clean? I’ll bet you’re the kind of person who has a smelly washing machine as well aren’t you”?
    And sink that f*cking windrush and send them all back before we all get rabies! 😄👍

  3. I’ve put my vacuum cleaner up for sale on eBay.
    Well, it was only gathering dust.
    ( thanks Lord Benny, I’ve been waiting for ages to pay tribute to Tim Vine.)

  4. I too have had the filter issues with dyson rubbish. Over complicated and overpriced shit made by an overhyped cunt. Wouldn’t be surprised if their next gen stuff has lane sensing an cruise control. Like many things these days they have too much to go wrong. I have heard friends talking about the cordless Dyson models like they do about the latest iphone just launched. It is a vacuum cleaner you sad cunts! Also went back to the good old Henry which also has a smile.

      • Himalayan Snow Leopard whisker brushes,Techno….gives me an excuse to go and shoot another of the Fuckers when the bristles wear down.

        • Which one are you going to shoot DF – a servant or endangered leopard?
          Either are acceptable of course! 😄👍

    • I know what a vacuum cleaner is. Ours sees the light of day maybe twice a year if it’s lucky.

      Lady Creampuff and I tend to be strangers to housework.

    • Something in a childhood game, long since forgotten…pairs up with “ironing board,” IIRC.

      Hoovers always seem to exude warm guffs of dirty arsehole stink.

  5. Know fuck all about vacuum cleaners, but Technocunt might be on to something with his Henry, as a lot of hotels use them….

    • Hotels always use Henrys – they do the job well, basic and pretty much unbreakable.
      A good personal choice – and methinks I can use my charm on the gal at Home Bargains with this one – “I say my good bird, get to mine and do the housework and if I don’t pull I’ll be back around 3AM to pork you”.
      My crystal ball predicts a black eye for the Fox – perchance I will have to get out my pulling aftershave – canal number 5!

  6. I have a Shark which is better than Dyson but is a tad on the heavy side (so Mrs B
    reliably informs me!)

  7. There’s a strong link here between this nom and the preceding Tony Blair one. Our Tone revealed that he’s not done any housework in 23 years. That figures, as it’s always been left to someone else to clean up his shit.

    • Afternoon Bertie.

      I cleaned our kitchen for the first time in 9 months last week, cos we had an old mate come for dinner and he’s a bit OCD.

      We usually take him out for dinner, but due to the lockdown that wasn’t possible this time.

      As it turned out we were able to dine al fresco in the garden so he only had to traverse the kitchen once in order to have a piss. Thankfully he moved the dishes first.

      • Afternoon Ruff. How do you get rid of the smell of all that cats piss? I could take Lady Creampuff away from all that!

        • How dare you! No smell of cats piss in our house! They save all their piss and shit up for the neighbour’s flowerbeds.

          The only smell of piss in our house is that from my after dribble. 😊

          • True. After dribble is a right cunt. Are you going to do a nom about it?

          • No, you can have that one.

            Actually I don’t suffer from after dribble. I just said it for effect, known in the trade as ‘poetic licence’. Just ask Miles. 😁

            PS: my flow has been infuriating slow recently, so waterworks not perfect by any score.

  8. I say Admin, the picture you’ve chosen for this nom is very sexist isn’t it?
    Should have been a man or better still Freddie Mercury heaving his way around the room.

  9. I went round to a friend’s house one day and saw him vacuuming throughout the house whilst wearing boxing gloves.
    I said to his wife “what’s all that about?“
    She said “Oh! Just ignore him. He thinks he’s Dyson Fury.
    I’d get my coat but I can’t remember where I put it after 14 weeks self isolating.

  10. Vacuum cleaners, carpets, and dust. A pointless and never ending circle of creation. Give me hardwood floors or tiles all day long, takes 10 seconds to brush clean.

    Wimmin love carpets for cosyness. Just put on some socks or slippers you daft cunts!

  11. Unfortunately having a pussy (feline not Owen Jones) I have to clean regularly, downstairs sweeping brush on the vinyl and the occasional mop.
    Upstairs my Gtech Pro does a reasonable job, wouldn’t recommend it for large areas, dust bag is too small

    Enough about Vacuums…. have to groom my pussy.

  12. The missus and I have an arrangement. I do the vacuuming and she does the sucking. I’m extremely happy with the arrangement.

  13. The lady in the picture, has she bought a vacuum cleaner in kit form and expects someone else to put it together?

    I love Lego and model kits. If like me hands aren’t as steady as they used to be, it is much easier if you paint the pieces whilst they’re still attached to the sprues.

    • P.s I have a Henry (Numatec makes it I think) vacuum cleaner. It is easy to use. I recommend.

      P.p.s to me, the cheerful face on it makes vacuuming feel like less of a chore.

      • The factory is only a couple of miles from me in a town called Chard in Somerset, got fired from it when I was 17. Not my fault! bastards!

  14. I’m so sorry, I seem to have stumbled upon Mumsnet by mistake.
    I was looking for a foul and barely legal website that insults, exposes and ridicules well known and well deserving types.
    I shall leave you to your tales of housewifery. No doubt you will have some discussions on the baking of the perfect scone and other lady things, later on.
    Good afternoon, ladies.

  15. Before I moved into my house I had a Centravac system put in. It’s like a huge python which I can reach anywhere in the house with. You just push one end into the wall socket and it starts automatically. All I thought about were the advantages, not having to push a hoover around or carry it up and down stairs, not having to empty it because everything goes into a receptacle outside. But the local company who installed it has gone bust and I have to hunt around on the internet for bags and parts.
    Great for getting rid of spiders though.

  16. Good nom. ALL vacuum cleaner are shite (from my own personal experience, anyway). Went through ‘em all — Dyson, Vax, Henry, Hoover, Panasonic and Electrolux — and they all lasted 2 years at most (I always seemed to clumsily hoover up old socks or wire and cable, burning out the motor somewhat). I currently have a Vax Performance Pet 1800W. It’s flimsy (which hoovers aren’t), but has great suction. Reminds me of my ex, Claire!

  17. This nom reminds me of when the bellends in Brussels decided to ban vacuums drawing more than 900W. I’ve got an old Nilfisk drawing 1800W and it can suck the varnish off my floor boards. Neighbours cat? Haven’t seen it..

    Those handheld, cordless Dysons look and sound like a triumph of form over function.

  18. Every time that smug Dyson cunt brings out a new model he expects us to marvel at how clever he is. I remember a few years ago him raving about having invented “the ball “so that the thing can tilt and corner effortlessly .If he’s so fucking brilliant why didn’t he make them with the ball in the first place?
    Forgot to mention that I took mine back to Harrods and telling the salesman,”this vacuum cleaner sucks”
    The snotty cunt replied, “ I think that’s it supposed to do,sir”

  19. Years ago I bought a Bissell which they were always advertising in the papers. It finally arrived after about 6 weeks. All it did was make a tremendous noise, but didn’t really clear up any dirt, although in spite of that it always managed to blow out a cloud of dust from the air vents every time I switched it on. Useless cunting thing, after a few weeks I chucked it in a builders skip.
    I bought a cheapo vacuum cleaner in Asda about ten years ago, cost about £20 and it still works fine.

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