Internet Porn

 

Internet Porn is a cunt and a prick and tits and ‘milfs’ and and blowjobs and GET A GRIP MAN but the only thing I’m gripping is my knob. And ‘Licking Pussy’ and ‘Doggiestyle’ ‘Cougars’ but what am I saying you know the terminology cunters veterans as you are of this ‘pastime’.
There us no doubt in my mind Internet porn is a bummer. Poor choice of word there. Let’s start again.
Sex is a cunt. I’m knocking on 60! And still wracked by this insane desire. I thought it would have left me now. Or at least abated somewhat. But no I have my fortnightly drink and the next day I am randy as I ever was. And days can go by (as it just has) and the intense urge is still there. And there is the phone and it only a click away.
You see cunters I want to concentrate on the higher things not in an arse or a tit.
Yes, that’s it,-it is an addiction. There you are scrolling down in a frenzy and trying to get the picture the video that excites you but it is never quite as exciting as you would like. And you’re looking and looking for something you will never find in a sense. That can never satisfy. Her arse isn’t in the right position or she’s doing it too fast or that’s not how I like it exactly.
You know cunters this thing is really terrible. Mrs Plastic (who I’ll pass over quickly) reads to me posts on Mumsnet and very many of them are about their MAN losing all interest in sex. That’s because he’s watching sexy young things on Internet Porn! And the poor older women cannot compete and they are left feeling loveless, unattractive. It really is a destructive fucker.

Nominated by Miles Plastic

Admin note, tricky subject Miles, I stopped buying condoms on offer years ago because they time expired!, so continue I will quit Isac and join the Mums net admin team and offer personal services.

Another Admin: Nothing wrong with a bit of IP once in awhile. Certainly beats the old days back in the 70s and 80s when you had to enter a newsagents for your topshelf goodies, and then wait at the counter to pay, only to find a nubile young wench giving you a very disapproving “look” when she gives you your change! (So I’m told anyway)

96 thoughts on “Internet Porn

  1. Lets go back to the good old days of finding wankmags hidden in the bushes and someone’s big brother bringing back a pack of cards with nudie women on back from a day trip to france along with a few flick knives

    • When I was at school in the mid 90s my brother had a porn mag with Geri Halliwell’s past shoot From the early 90s in it, pre Spice Girls – she was now famous as Ginger Spiceout, with big norks, not the stick insect home wrecker she is now, but I digress – my mate had a right thing for her, so I nicked my brother’s mag and took it to school where I sold it to him for £15. A King’s Ransom back then to a fifteen year old who got £12.50 a week doing his paper round. You won’t find the lazy shits these days even doing a paper round now; useless cunts. I remember seeing my parents paper boy getting a lift with his mum about fifteen years ago, same each day my parent’s said; what the fuck?! Apologies, but I’m almost going onto a cunting in the comments about useless children brought up by equally useless parents…

  2. It’s made young men soft. In my day, when I wanted some ‘stimulation’ if I’d got the ‘orn during one of my many droughts, I’d have to do the dreaded top shelf grab at a newsagents.

    Those missions (yes, missions) were fucking terrifying. But character building. Almost got caught buying them a few times. Once, in a hurry and panic I grabbed a mag with just a slight glance and threw it quickly inside a copy of the Sunday Times. I saw tits and suspenders. Got it home and it was full of older birds. I think it was called 50+.

    Fucking terrible stuff.

    Now, the little cunts have a world of grumble, literally at their fingertips. But I think it’ll do ’em no good in the end. Too much grumble is a bad thing. Probably some science cunt has proved that already, but I’m not fucking checking I need to go for a shit.

    • And you’d need to be Rambo to buy one if it was a nice looking bird behind the counter, especially if it was your local shop.

      • Never bought porn but for me it was the first time I bought condoms in a chemist. Trying to be economical, since I was a student, I picked up a pack of 12 only to be met at the till by a fresh-faced 16 year old girl trainee. We both looked scared by all this so, trying to make light of it, I held out the packet and said “yeah, this should last the weekend’. The girl went pale, let out a squeak and vanished round the back. A middle aged woman came out, seen it all type, smiled at me and said it was the girl’s first day. I’d managed to wreck the girl’s potential career, before lunchtime.

    • You’re dead right. Half the fun of porn is lost when it’s so easily available.
      The skills of cunning, timing and imagination we developed while trying to knock one out over an actress or singer on TV pr magazine are lost skills. There’s no frisson or danger.of getting caught if you can lock yourself in a room and put your headphones on.

      There’s also the problem of unrealistic ideas about sex in the minds of boys who watch lots of hard core porn but dont talk to girls.
      They come across as a bit ‘rapey’

  3. These days you take your life in your hands if you even so much as glance at a woman. Internet porn is a Godsend to today’s red-blooded male.

    Talking of top shelves at newsagents – I wonder if those “adult” magazines are suitably diverse enough these days? There used to be a mag called “Men Only” in my misspent yoof. Surely there must be a more acceptable alternative, perhaps called “Trannies Only” or “Non Binaries Only”, or “Black Porn Only Matters” -admin

    • The wife and I have been xhamster regulars for years. I suppose that one person’s poison is another person’s meat.

    • ‘Mayfair’ used to be my favourite; back in the 70s it had top quality models and photography, and good articles. Latterly it got cheap and nasty though. The wife used to buy ‘Playgirl’ but I don’t know if that’s still going.
      The last grumble mag I bought (about fifteen years ago) was the esoterically titled ‘Snatch Special’. It was located on the shelf next to the equally enticing ‘Old Bags’. Quality stuff for the connoiseur.

      • Didn’t they used to censor vag pics in Mayfair back in the 70s/80s? They used to cover it with little black dots, and to my naive mind I thought it was a fucking disease!

        • Funny but I don’t recall that. In my time as a reader Mayfair was ‘tasteful’ in the sense that you’d get a nice bush shot without the full on open legs. It was all the more arousing because it wasn’t clinical.

        • I believe certain printed products couldn’t enter certain other markets without black sticker dots stuck on the offending gynaecology. Word has it they were hard to peel off and would take off the ink and a layer of paper fiber.

        • The dots were stick-on patches. Presumably the originals were exported to the colonies because the patches could actually be peeled off. Obviously the most enticing poses had extra strong glue applied so the best you ever got was a hole in the page also ruining whatever opportunity had been on the other side of that page. “Cunning,” I thought.

      • Funnily enough Ron, XHamster has quite a good selection of classic era Mayfairs very well archived which I was “researching“ quite recently. Tell the Missus! Fond memories: I grew up with those girls!!

        My own awakening was in an early 70s Boarding School where we sensibly divided out who would get what. I was ‘responsible’ for Mayfair, Forest (thick pubes) got Men Only and Honey* bought Club International.

        One day during my summer holiday one of the cover girls came into our pub in Guildford. Just where Mayfair said she lived! I spotted her immediately and jeez she was stunning. I’ve always wondered how many others recognised her too!

        * Honey answered quite happily to his nickname as a young lad of ‘color’ado. One of the boarders came from Madras and answered to the moniker of Hindi. Happy Days!!

    • I remember Men Only. One of my dad’s mates had a copy and he threw it through the van window on a day I was helping my dad at work during the summer.
      It was the first time I’d seen piss flaps.

      I wasnt impressed at that age. .I ‘d rather just look at tits, legs and bums.

    • Continental mags like Colour Climax, Swedish Erotica, Teenage Sex, Rodox, Sexorama, New Cunts… they were a few of my favourite things back in the day.

      I’d grown out of Playboy and Men Only by the age of 14. Besides soft porn was all airbrushed in the 1960s.

  4. Porn Hub is a bit too anatomical. I’m not too turned on by hard core pounding. It’s more like a narure documentary to me.

    I prefer softer stuff and looking at photos. A nipple or hint of minge. My brain does the rest.

    • What puts me off Porn Hub is the number of very lovely looking blonde American girls, with long lustrous hair, enormous jugs wearing just a wide smile and a pair of shiny stilleto heeled shoes. Fine till the bloke comes in then she starts that squealing and wimpering. The first time I heard it I thought the bed springs needed a drop of UB40. Then she stops squealing to say “yeah – fuck me honey, fuck me!”. What the hell does she think he is trying to do?

      • Japanese porn is worse for that. The women squeal like little girls. Fucking weird and a bit off putting. Especially when the old man walks in and starts shoving all sorts up the lass.

        • That’s because jap blokes like little girls. Child pornography only became illegal a couple of years ago there, so they have to make do with barely legal girls dressed as school kids. They’re also big on rape fantasy too.
          Sick fuckers, the Japanese.

          • My next door neighbour is married to a Japanese ex-schoolgirl. She doesn’t half give me the fucking horn.

      • Yep that’s the one. Haven’t bothered with online pron for years. Why? Almost all are the usual tweezed, waxed, plumped, implanted blonded American females who are as sexy as a Barbie doll but with more plastic. That’s bad enough, until the “action” starts and then it’s too yeeeah yeeeah yeeeah yeeeah at which point, I switch off as every sodding video is exactly the fucking same yeeah, yeeah oooo yeeah…. More sexual satisfaction playing fucking solitaire.

        • Spot on there mate….also the babbon arsse lip jobs…who the fxxxk meets women like that in the real world?…In reality in places like Rochdale…just squadrons of Pauline Quirk look a likes, land whales or anemic looking skanks..

  5. Porny mags left abandoned under hedgerows-facilitating that healthy outdoor activity for teenage boys everywhere/

    “Grumble Picking”

    👍👍👍

  6. What’s interesting is that all this porn is making zero money from the masturbators – why would anyone pay for any membership when it is all available for free?
    This means everyone involved must be loving what they do.
    But apparently they are all forced at gunpoint by organised crime syndicates into heroin addiction before embarking into a life of non stop demoralising servitude and yet again it’s all our fault, yaaaawwwn.
    I also found it amusing that the one charlie sheen shacked up with during his tiger blood phase was suprised that people recognised her when she went for legitimate job interviews.
    It’s also amusing the things these pornstars do outside of the traditional – you know, the horses, dogs, grannies, shitting etc.
    Porn is extremely amusing. I think once you start seeing it as a comedy it loses a lot of it’s appeal.

    • One thing that’s always intriqued me is all the stuff comes up on the site, you know, ‘there are twenty women within five miles of you looking for free, no ties sex. Click here’.
      Course it’s a load of shite but I’ve always wanted to take a look just to see what happens, but have never dared to in case it fucks up my laptop. Has anybody else clicked on?

  7. If you’re considering cracking one off while watching porn containing women of the more mature variety, for added authenticity try leaving your hand in some cold bath water for an hour beforehand….

  8. There’s certainly no denying that a lot of it is total shit. Whenever I open Pornhub the top videos are usually stepdaughter fuckings, hard poundings, and even occasionally (retch) incest simulation. Who the fuck is watching this crap?

  9. Luckily my Mrs is the sexiest cunt on earth with tits like a twenty year old even though she’s in her late 40s. A perfect milf.. That’s why I’m so smug.

    • Rumour has it he’s been arrested for Hell raising in Liverpool but I think that might be fake news.

      • Well I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if he’s hungover right now after celebrating Liverpool’s title win.

    • He asked me to fill in for him whilst he’s on Sabbatical. He suggests you take out a month’s subscription to:
      http://www.fboom.me
      You’ll be able to find the most indescribable filth on there once you’ve got the links from ‘special interest’ forums.
      Far better than the tame stuff that’s on Pornhub…
      PS…come back soon B&WC!

  10. The real trouble with internet porn is that adolescent boys are getting their first experience of sex through it. Porn often bears little resemblance to the average sex life so they have problems with real sex later. The other problem is mild porn often leads to more deviant stuff and these young men can’t get aroused by normal means.

    Internet porn might not be so harmful to the average adult male who’s using it because he’s single or because his Mrs puts out once a month and lays there thinking about the washing for a couple of minutes whilst he empties his load but it’s certainly harmful to young lads.

    • Althought the Nom jokey behind it like you I do actually see it as hugely destructive. Especially to young boys and men. Distorting relationships.

  11. The worst thing is ‘wankers angst’ after you’ve done the business into a sock. A feeling of loneliness, self pity and remorse. Until the next time obviously….

  12. Miles!!
    You filthy little sod!
    I thought you were a churchly man, a poet and man of literature, not shooting your beans all over a computer screen!

    Used to like wank mags, especially Razzle or the one with readers wives,
    No plastic tits or airbrushing just proper council estate slags!
    Lovely!
    Greasy hair, teeth missing, cross eyed, just egged me on more☺
    One had Rose west in it before she was a celebrity.

    • Afternoon Miserable.

      I reckon Miles and Willow must have been “idling” on that zoosexfarm.com* site again, the one he tried to corrupt us with awhile back. 🐴

      * other online purveyors of unspeakable filth are available. Please apply to Mr T Cunt Engine for further details. 😃

      • Afternoon Ruff,
        Seeing as Miles is a religious man hes never tried to steer us on the path of wholesome clean living have you noticed?
        Just encourages up to look at depravity that would make Caligula blush.
        I was a nice innocent young simpleton till Miles used peer pressure to get me into hardcore rubber dwãrf porn.😢

        • There’s no way you’ll ever make it into Heaven now Miserable, unless you take out some of my Guaranteed Afterlife Insurance – guaranteed to get you in following your tragic passing, even taking your decades long record of flashing into account!

          Am currently doing ‘mates rates’ if you’re interested? Miles needn’t apply, he’s beyond help.

          • Not convinced Id want to go to heaven Ruff,
            Cliff Richard and Teresa May to talk too?
            Getting lectured off James Anderton?
            No im happier in Flashers Heaven®
            No nettles.

          • Teresa May or Theresa May, Miserable? A wanking version of red wire or green wire.

        • Terrible stuff I know Miserable. I am making efforts…its so beneath one’s dignity.

          God ISAC is becoming my confessional.

          I think that why I reacted into religion.
          Never had much integrity.

          Anyway I’ve got my hair shirt on ready for a spell of mortification…better not go on RT will get too excited.

          • Hehee, good nom Miles,
            Confessions good for the soul so really your following ecclesiastical advice, treat yourself,
            Stick on big titted milfs and abuse yourself!!😁😁

          • When the other half is past it (and you’re not) is the only alternative internet porn?

  13. When I was a 14 year old lad in New Moston, the local newsagent, Sam, was a top bloke and I did a paper round for him. I also helped him whitewash the yard and did a few other odd jobs. Sam gave me the option of payment in cash or payment in stock from the shop. I took the second option and got my fill of Tizer, Texan Bars and copies of Mayfair and Knave. Sam didn’t give a fuck. He said ‘You’ve earned it, son and you’re a growing lad and as long as you keep yer gob shut’. Too right I kept my gob shut, as I didn’t want my mates (or their mothers) getting wind of my cushy number and the rewards that came with it. I was on a good thing and Sam was a good’un.

    Sam is no longer with us, but he is still missed.

  14. Porn is fantastic and much cheaper than a hooker, girlfriend, or wife. You can choose when and where, pause, mute, get more hoes in the picture. Brilliant I say.

    The sex drive itself is the real cunt I say.

  15. I recall Scarlett Johansscunt saying once that there was nothing wrong with watchng porn.

    Well, I’d watch it if she was in it.

  16. Anyone copped that redhead that starred in US comedy, Boy Meets World?
    Her name is Maitland Ward and she has now gone the whole hog with the porno game.

    Right dirty bitch and all.

  17. As a teenager up the road from our estate was Robinsons brewery which we’d raid on sundays from the loading bay, and a WH Smiths depot wed go down the train tracks over the fence and look for wank mags.
    Happy days.
    I hasten to add Im not a criminal and a law abiding man, but as a kid my ale and porn were supplied by 5finger discount,
    I blame the parents.

  18. I wonder how porno film directors have been coping during the lockdown? – in London at Kinky Keirs Krackers Studio all they have been able to produce is Emily Thornberry and Diane Abbott nude wrestling in mud in full face masks. They have only sold a couple of copies.

    I imagine they have had to find 6 feet plus women and small blokes with big todgers to keep within the social distancing rules, and water sports instead of kissing.

  19. It’s much better than VHS porn.
    Naked ladies on a mobile telephone really can offer a morale boost for the working stiff.
    Overall I vote in favour.

  20. Hedge porn or tramp porn was the best. ( other names are used) You remember on the way to school and finding pages of a wank mag in the undergrowth. Colour climax was top draw with men only a close second. Made a mint selling it at school. But then again a decent clothes catalogue underware section was a good back up. In my day you had to work hard for a decent wank..

  21. In the early 90s I went to my mates bed sit, he had loads of mags. While i was waiting for him i took a gander and the readers wife of the month in the Fiesta was my sister about six pages worth. She has had five kids and was about 50 yrs old. Quite a shock I can tell you.

      • She had a horse riding helmet on and had her face looking away. I swear to god it was her. The shame, I thought she was worth a walk until I caught on.

  22. I lost any interest in porn when the women all started looking the same, tattooed fake tit crack whores spitting on each other’s cunts, or some fat greasy looking fucker pounding away up her arsehole.
    The first porno I watched was black and white and an old super 8 reel to reel projector with no sound. You could probably put it on tv pre watershed these days. The last one was at a mates, and he was proudly showing off his latest dvd purchase, which had one dead eyed scrubber laying on her back surrounded by blokes wanking, who were taking it in turns to shit on her, on her tits and in her mouth. So, I’ve never looked at internet porn, and unlike my porn obsessed mate, I can still get a trout on without taking a bluey.

  23. Good nom. Nothing worse than watching everyone having a better time than me, whilst I’m lumbered with a missus who lays there like a sack of potatoes. Internet porn can fuck off and stay there as well

    • Very True Rev. I’m at the age when I’ve realised my sex life ain’t going to get any better. I’ve had some stunners in the past, but that’s it…the past. I thought my randyness would go away as I got older but no such luck. I’ve got a mate pushing 80 and he says he’s as randy as ever but his wife put a stop to that 20 years ago, poor old sod.

  24. It’s like anything else, if you over do it the thrill fades. Once or twice a week and can still give me the raging ‘orn.

  25. Thank god for Amsterdam, and all who sail in her! On a side note, at least you like conventional porn, I have to hunt out weird stuff XD

  26. Back in 1988, I was on the bus to Halifax, two blokes sat in front of us. In true Yorkshire style , said” me and t lads got a bluey vid. t’other naaght’ it was a shit copy, you couldn’t tell one t’end from the other’…

  27. Remember the early days of video rental shops? Remember the 3 or 4 “Electric Blue” titles they stocked? You always wanted to rent them but never had the bottle to take the box up to the counter and pay for it. Most of those places were a members only deal, so they’d know your name and address and would know for certain that you’re a raging perv. Too much pressure!

    Remember the early days of the internet when a 9600 baud modem over a dial up connection seemed like lightening? The nudie picture slowly rendering on your screen, only to reveal something not that exciting so you’d try the next link. And the next. And the next, hoping for something way naughtier than top shelf newsagent fodder. No thumbnails in those days. More like click-then-wait-and-see.

    These days it’s too easy and completely over the top. Some of us have lived through the golden era of hedgerow porn finds. I haven’t been in a newsagent for so long. Do they even have printed jazz mags anymore? When I was old enough, brave enough and flush enough, my go to titles were Knave and Men Only. Probably the reason I’ve worn glasses for years.

  28. True story….I made some stupid bet with a girl I was dating years ago (early 90s would be my guess). Can’t remember what the bet was, but the forfeit was a classic. The loser had to buy a jazz mag while the winner got to watch them do it. She lost. She was fucking mortified!!

    Since she lost, she got to decide where she bought it from. What did she do? She dragged me to Gatwick fucking airport. She figured it was far enough away from where she lived so she wouldn’t be recognised. Being an airport she also figured the person behind the till wouldn’t care due to the sea of faceless people who move through an airport each day. Good thinking.

    So we parked, made our way into the shopping/mall area and located a W H Smiths. I took up a position where I could observe the relevant (top) shelf, enjoy her selection process and then watch her carry the mag to the till and pay for it. I insisted she use a £10 note so she HAD to wait for change . Hahaha. Poor lass was bricking herself. She made a few false starts because someone would block the shelf area or a small queue would form at the till and she didn’t want to have to wait. The plan was walk straight to the shelf, grab the mag, get to the till pronto, pay for it, get change, then disappear onto the concourse and into the crowd. It took ages for all the right conditions to come together, but she pulled it off. When I caught up with her on the concourse her face was like beetroot and she was out of breath from stress. The mag was obviously rolled up to disguise what it was. Fuck it was funny.

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