Incredibly Boring Songs

Some time ago I put up a nom. entitled ‘Done To Death Songs’. This was a bitter condemnation of all those songs which if you never hear again in your life, it will be too soon. No more ‘My Way’. No more ‘Bohemian Rhapsody, or ‘Yesterday’, or fucking ‘Mack the Knife’.
Anyway, on one of those recent glorious afternoons, the wife and I were lazing in the garden (Dog but she still looks good in a bikini), sipping cool Pinot, and listening to ‘golden oldies’ on the radio. Then bastard, on IT came, the most boring song ever. I refer to that turgid dirge ‘Release Me’, foisted on the world in 1967 by the original ‘Tango Man’, Mr Engelbert Humperdinck.
Now younger readers may be unfamiliar with this pile of maudlin wank, so here’s the magnificently mulleted Mr Dinck, seen here still cranking out his hit over twenty years later;

What a soaring feat of songwriting this is. Four lines of melody, eight lines of lyrics, no chorus to the verse, no middle eight, all wrapped up in a gloriously cheesy arrangement. To think that on release, this excresence was top of the charts for weeks, keeping the magnificent Beatles double ‘A’ side ‘Strawberry Fields Forever/Penny Lane’ from the No. 1 spot. Every 80-year-old must have fired up their zimmer frames and lurched down to their local record shop to buy it.
Over fifty years have passed, yet my loathing for this putrid piece of shite remains undiminished. I’d managed to bury my hatred in the back of my mind, only to have it resurface on a beautiful day that deserved better. So I hereby nominate Humper the cunt, the composers, and indeed every cunt at Decca Records for foisting this coma-inducing bilge on the hapless public (also not forgetting the DJ who polluted the airwaves with it once more the other day).
‘Release Me’; the most boring song of all time. Unless of course cunters, you know better…

Nominated by Ron Knee

207 thoughts on “Incredibly Boring Songs

  1. Windmills Of Your Mind, by Noel Harrison and Mac Arthur Park, sung by Richard Harris. So bad they are almost good!

    • It’s funny Cunta; I used to hate ‘MacArthur Park’ with a passion, then I heard it the other day after a gap of years, and it sounded really good! I must be getting old.

  2. I forgot this little gem. Dancing in the fucking streets by Jagger and Bowie. Talking of Jagger, that whistling in Dancing like Jagger. Total and utter ….

  3. Morning all.
    Can I say how much I’m enjoying your comments this morning.
    May I add the undernoted under ‘honourable mentions’

    Marvin Gaye; Abraham, Martin and John
    Kenny Rogers; Coward of the County
    Ed Sheeran & Justin Bieber; I Don’t Care
    Art Garfunkel; 99 Miles to LA
    Bobby Goldsboro; Honey (pass the sick bag)
    Glen Campbell; By the Time I Get to Phoenix
    Sinead O’Connor; Nothing Compares 2 U
    Neil Reid; Mother of Mine
    Rebecca Black; Friday
    Terry Jacks; Seasons in the Sun
    Justin Bieber; Baby

    I can feel the life draining out of me…

  4. Anything from those Spice Tarts; and also Rick Astley.

    Clint Eastwood’s “I Talk to the Trees” – what the fuck were you thinking, Clint!?

    • Isn’t ‘I Talk to the Trees’ from a musical that Clint was in? I think it was ‘Paint Your Wagon’ but I might be wrong. It’s shite whatever.

  5. Don’t look back in anger by Oasis. Fucking awful song. Almost everything by Wings can fuck off too.

        • She – Charles Aznavour (or Elvis Costello if you prefer)
          You’re a Lady – Peter Skellern
          J’ non plus – Serge Gainsbourg & Jane Birkin
          Long Haired Lover From Liverpool -“little” Jimmy Osmond

          • Clair – Gilbert O’Sullivan
            When I need you – Leo Sayer

            Jeez, how many of these things have there been? Starting to have flasbacks. ‘Mares in the night, tonight methinks.

  6. Coldplay must be the most boring cunts of all time, especially their lead cunt Chris Martin.

    Chris Martin is a fucking boring cunt. Has he been cunted?

    • ”I’m so annoyed with capitalism that I’m going to blimmin’ well write words on my hands. That’ll show ’em! Now, now Jeeves, park the Bentley carefully!”

    • Coldplay have and it was epic.

      I still refer to it when I fancy a good giggle.

  7. Lady in Red – Chris De Cunt
    Cliff Richard – Millennicunt Prayer
    Ebony and Ivory – Paul McCuntney and Stevie Wondercunt

  8. Absolutely anything by that bunch of public school wankers known a Genesis.

  9. A World without Love by Peter and Gordon written by Paul McCartney – a hatrick of cuntishness. However, I fear Ron might be the only one old enough to remember it! 😀

    • I do indeed old son! Four weeks at No 1 in 1964 I believe it was. One of those songs like ‘Bad To Me’ which L and McC gave over to become a huge hit for somebody else.
      Everything they touched in those days turned into solid gold.

  10. Any cunt that sings ‘Unchained fucking melody’, throat slitting shit for me.

  11. Get Here by Oleta Adams is boring substandard shite of the highest order with the worst lyrics of all time.

    And that nasal little unibrowed bluenose cunt bawling ‘Wonderwall’, or his ugly igor-like brother with the terrorists apologist’s anthem of choice ‘Don’t Cunt Back In Anger’.

    And Fat Fruit Williams with the excrement that is ‘Angels’.

    And Adele with any of her ‘I’ve been dumped’ crap.

    And Alanis Cuntisette. Any of her man hating witch chants.

    And Wet Wet Cunt with ‘Cunt Is All Around’.

    And Bryan Adams and ‘Everything I Do (I Do It For Cunt).

    And James Cunt with ‘Yer Beau-di-fol’.

    And Meatloaf with ‘I Would Do Anything For Cunt (But I Won’t Do That).

    And anything by Lionel Richcunt (‘Cunting On The Ceiling’, ‘Hello (Is It Me You’re Cunting For?), ‘All Cunt Long’ etc).

    And Celine Chicken Neck with her Titanic dog dirt.

    And Abba with Mamma Fucking Mia (Devil Streep is such a cunt)

    And Fat Reg with his ‘Bottle Blonde Slapper In The Wind’.

    And any Creepo Jacko shite like ‘Man In The Mirror’ or ‘Feel – sorry (cough) – Heal The World’.

    • Great stuff Norm.
      This could run and run…

      Let me add ‘Young Girl’ by Gary Fuckwit and the Union Gap while I’m at it.

    • Love is all around by the Troggs is a masterpeice, Wet Wet Wet were utter fucking shite!, Reg Presley should off told them to fuck off!

      • Reg was well into UFOs, crop circles and stuff. He got an estimated £1mill plus in royalties after The Wet Wipes covered the song in the Hugh Grunt film, which he used to fund his research.
        All I can say is that in his position, I could find something a lot more interesting to spunk my money on, if you get my drift.

  12. Little Arrows by Leapy Lee, it was number one in Rhodesia for about 9 weeks back in 68, made me want to tear my fucking ears off, “oh oh the paaaaiiiiiinnnn”

    • That would have to be a double A sider with Tiptoe Through The Tulips by Tiny Tim, Cap’n.

  13. You must remember the Leonard Spock classic “Dildo Baggins”

  14. And I Love You So – Don McLean
    Try to Remember the Kind of September – Andy Williams
    Your Song – Reg Dwight
    Green Green Grass of Home – Tom Jones
    Donald Whaur´s Yer Troosers – Andy Stewart
    Glad to be Gay – Tom Robinson (who later announced he wasn´t actually gay)

    • With you all the way on ‘Your Song’. The lyrics are really clumsy and don’t scan at all well.

  15. All those boring and contrite songs, and yet here I am listening to some old school AC/DC and “Hells Bells” along with “Touch Too Much” and “Back in Black” – proper music, but never saw the light of day in the charts.

  16. Anything by that vacuous God botherer Cliff ‘I wear a colostomy bag’ Richards! I live for the day when that fucking mince gets caught by Op: YewTree! It’s just a matter of time! Dirty cunt!

  17. Too many crap songs to mention, my list would be endless, but reading these comments has given me the best belly laugh for ages, thanks fellow cunters.

  18. I will survive. I hated it when it was just drunken slappers hollering it as the stumbled to the kebab shop from the local shite club. Then it got adopted by the LGBTQ brigade and that sent it to the pinnacle of cunt. I will survive? Not if I’m on the trigger. It’s funny how being gay is associated with being artistic, yet the stuff they put out is dreadful, and the straight stuff they like is usually awful too. Somebody prove me wrong for fucks sake, don’t want to come across as a ‘phobe….

    • ‘I Am What I Am’; another gay anthem. Nothing against gays, but the song’s fucking boring posturing.

  19. I have to disagree, the majority of the above mentioned songs remind me of a happy childhood growing up through the late 60s and 70s, now throw a Stormzsy or Dave into the mix and you get a true representation of mind numbing, childish, stereotypical Horse piss ever to assault your eardrums, in short Rap/Grime is fucking Wank and people who have it thumping out of their £500 hatchbacks deserve a decent kicking.!

  20. After careful, considered contemplation -it’s down to two:

    The Verve- Bittersweet Symphony

    Keith Harris and Orville-I wish I could fly (me too, into Unkle T’s oven)

    • Leave Orville out of it, General. You should encourage his flight ambitions, not diss him. Let him dream.
      For some reason (might be thinking of colours because of that green duck) but I’ve now got Boney M and Brown Girl in the Ring, tra la la la la in my head. What the hell was sugar in a plum plum plum? Not rude is it?

      • ‘Brown girl in the ring. Show me your motion’…
        Am I reading more into this than I should?

        • I am, I’m sure of that.
          To me it sounds like the fried fish and Johnny cakes (corn pancakes / flatbreads I think) which she sings about have given her or a mate a dicky tummy and that references to being unable to wash her cloths means someone has laid a trio of sweet smelling, plum sized dogs eggs studded with sweetcorn kernels in their underwear. Though why they’d want to see that I don’t know.
          However, it might just be the cheese on toast I’ve had before bedtime giving me strange thoughts.
          On that note I’ll say goodnight, Ron.

  21. Why has everyone forgotten the dirge that is the scouse victim anthem “You’ll Never Walk Alone”.
    I am a professional DJ (and cunt) but in the middle of a Saturday night when the atmosphere is bouncing and some scally fuckwit comes up to you and demands (they never ask) that I play this pile of shit.
    The answer is always the same.

    • How do you become a “professional” DJ? You mean you make a living by playing records? Do you think I could do the same by playing tracks by Gerry Rafferty, ELO, Five Hand Reel, Kenny Rogers,Van Morrison, Joni Mitchell, the Corries Leonard Cohen and other genuises?

  22. PS Forgot to add Creedence Clearwater Revival and Gordon Lightfoot. That´s all folks. Great nom Ron. Almost 200 replies. must be a “record”.

  23. Gee, some of you regulars are old cunts (likeable and witty old cunts, I hasten to add). No wonder there is so much vitriol and opprobrium on this noble part of the cyber world. Two wrongs don’t make a right: the bitterness that often accompanies the ageing process, coupled with the wokeness that has permeated our once great nation over the last 30 years has generated a febrile environment of skepticism, intolerance and hatred amongst some western societies (particularly in the U.K. and the USA). Regardless, there have been some great noms mentioned in this thread as far as seriously insipid songs are concerned. I would like to add to the list Robbie Williams’s ‘Angels’. That fat gibbering fruitcake can get to fuck! Won’t be long until we hear about this cunt being indefinitely institutionalised.

    • ‘I’m loving angels instead’.
      What a great line in a great song…
      Not. Seems to a favourite at weddings and hen night piss ups. Says it all.

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