Celebrity Coronavirus Updates

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A self-important, ‘it’s all about me’ cunting, to the world of celebrity during the apocalypse.

Despite the rest of us worrying about our loved ones, jobs, homes and sanity, these fuckers just can’t handle not being the centre of attention for five minutes.

We then get ‘treated’ to their ‘self-isolating’ videos. Some worrying that they or a family member has got a cough/loss of smell (Lineker). Others tell us how to manage our mental health (Stephen Fry).

Well you bellends, it’s easier to manage your mental state throughout this with £20 million in the bank, isn’t it? Not so much when you’re living month to month, or can last about 2 or 3 months more of this before losing your business.

I’m not saying celebs don’t have a right to be concerned. They are humans and have families too. However, they do not have the financial, or career worries that the rest of us have.

Therefore, these cunts need to keep their gobs shut during this bollocks (well, perhaps apart from Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has produced some amusing videos). It’s as if these self entitled cunts think they have a duty to ‘inform’ us. We’ve got more problems thanks, so unless you can come up with a vaccine, stick your attention-seeking attitudes up your arses.

Nominated by Cuntybollocks

Celebrity Coronavirus.

Yet again we Plebs are getting the thin end of the wedge. The Coronavirus that attacks “ordinary” people can kill…Celebrity Coronavirus, which only attacks the famous, does not.

Indeed, Celebrity Coronavirus seems to be fairly innocuous. Famous people who have oh-so-kindly reported their symptoms via Facebook report that they have virtually no symptoms at all. A slight cough perhaps, or maybe a headache at the worst….certainly nothing serious enough to prevent them using their celebrity insider knowledge to self-diagnose and tell us how they are bravely battling on as an example to us lesser mortals.

We really are lucky that we live in an age of social media where our betters from the world of reality shows, soap-operas and pop singers can tell us mere mortals of their struggles….it really is inspiring to read about these selfless heroes.

Perhaps we could have a Wankathon where we all stand at our front doors, or open windows and furiously wank ourselves stupid, just to show our gratitude to the real heroes of this emergency….THE CELEBRITIES.

Nominated by Dick de Pfeffel Foxchaser-Fiddler

86 thoughts on “Celebrity Coronavirus Updates”

  1. You fuckers. I’ve been wanting to unleash the mother of all rants on this topic but as of now I am swamped with remote working matters for the rest of the day.

    All I can say is who needs front-line supermarket workers, NHS operatives, cleaners, goods transport drivers and the rest of our salt-of-the-Earth societal wheels, when we can instead defer to the superior knowledge of fucking idiots like Madonna sitting in a bath of milk, or Kate McCann pausing her Tapas gobbling for one moment to advise us with no trace of irony to ‘stay home with family’.

    Fascinating isn’t it, that the moment these cunts are cut off from their PR advisers, you can see clearly (as if there were any doubt) just how painfully oblivious these sordid shitebags are without any filter applied to their totally disconnected privilege and superiority complexes.

    Celebrities by and large are chocolate fucking teapots and Marzipan dildos.

    Dito, just fired the whole e-mail conversation I have been having with a colleague to head office, titled “Am I saying this wrong or are they really thick”.

    • Marzipan. dildos? well there’s something me and SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED have not tried.
      It will use up some of this lockdown time and give us a sugar boost post shafting. Win, win, I say.

  2. Sam Smith… What a cunt… A deadly, winking, sniggering, snuggling, chromium-plated, scent-impregnated, luminous, quivering, giggling, fruit-flavoured, mincing, ice-covered heap of mother love….

    That was originally a quote about Liberace, but it easily applies to that attention whoring non binary look at me tuneless blubbing on camera in teddy bear jim jams circus freak, Smith… The thing (I won’t call him a man) is a fucking disgrace and a complete cunt…

    And Madogga was viciously and deservedly nominated/cunted by my good self the other day…

    • Piers Morgan absolutely right on this one but criticised by the woke brigade when he told Sam Smith he was embarrassing himself and to “get a grip”.

    • Calling Sam Smith ‘a big girl’s blouse’ is a fucking insult to one…

      If my mother was alive she would have called it a ‘fucking wet end’

  3. Oh! Es ist wunderbar ! A chance to cunt the sleb suckers… Most excellent nom.

    At the slightesty, cough, or an early morning fart, these dear imortal Gods rush to their preferred media to inform us of their life or death struggle ( on our behalf of course ) and pour their virtuous messages and advices to the gullible plebs who await their daily ration of diatribe. Well I don’t believe for one minute that every fucking sleb has contracted anything other that an opportunity to keep them in the frame.
    I hope to fuck that every single fucking one on them gets such a fucking dose , that the shit falls from their arses in perpetuity. ( as it does from their gobs )

    One request, may that enriching bitch Naga Mancity be the first to kick the rim of the bucket on live television……Now THAT! is worthy of a burst of twatter.

    To all slebs. Fuck right Off and Pop !

  4. Cunt off celebs, you cunts. I was thinking this on Saturday gone, just fuck off you preachy cunts, enjoy not being able to work for a bit and realising you are not the centre of the universe, you’re just a fucking human susceptible to all that humans are susceptible to.

    PS: that stupid cunt Bieber doing his home assault course. Genius you little fucking retard, encourage your young fanbase to be fucking idiots in the home, maybe have a fall or some such, thus forcing your more at risk parents to transport your stupid fucking carcass to hospital.

    And then fuck me sideways if those silly cunts at the BBC didn’t show it in full, as opposed to saying `Bieber NOOOO you stupid CUNT! etc.

    Cuntvid-19 it just keeps on giving.

    • That’s not the worst thing Bieber has been doing. He’s invented a “church” and now broadcasts an online sermon for it. What a cunt. I’d rather hear his shitty music even though he sings like an fresh amputee.

  5. Hanks – Archetypal Hollyweird arsehole and treats ‘ordinary folk’ like crap cunt…

    Idris Ebola – Virtue signalling knobcheese and ‘aren’t Africans great’ specialist..

    Naomi Campbell – Psychotic harpie cunt and plays the race card if she gets a bit back… An Afghan Hound in a long wig…

    • Special shout out to Elton Rimwalker John. One of the few joys of this is decrepit old cunts like you being locked up in your mansions. Not Elton though, digital concert……cunt.

      As far I know you miraculously avoided HIV and I’m sure Corona will steer clear of you.

      So rancid he makes a virus puke

  7. Being advised about self-isolation by a karaoke singer in their millionaire mansion makes me feel a bit ill. Thank goodness I’m not on soshul meedja.

    It’s times like these you wished you lived on a space station.

      • Moonbase Alpha, pah!

        Proper Moonbase and a re-entry with Wanda Ventham as Col. Virginia Lake.

      • Nothing comes close to Gabrielle Drake in UFO. Bacofoil suit and purple hair……….. wonder if she had a matching bush?

      • What about Wanda Ventham AND Gabrielle Drake at the same time?

        All the girls in the control room of Moonbase were pretty hot. I certainly would have.

      • If we’re limiting it to space stations, I might’ve had a roll around with Sigourney Weaver in Alien. I remember one bit where she’s parading around in a tiny pair of Alan Whickers. Laavaerly.
        None of the the sequels though.

      • Yeah, that scene is near the end when it’s only her left. She’s in the survival craft and has just realised the alien is in there with her. She slowly backs away and steps into a space suit. For some bizarre (pervy) reason, the director gave us a close up of her knickered area as she high stepped into the suit.

        Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining and I have never slo-mo’ed or freeze framed that scene in my life – I swear – but I can’t see any reason for filming it that way other than a bit of cheap titillation. It really wasn’t in keeping with the tone of the film.

      • Judy Geeson was also in an el cheapo Alien ripoff called “XTRO” and gets bonked by the creature…. 😆

  8. Aside from tapas munching and wine guzzling, perhaps Kate and Gerry could upload some home videos to keep people occupied during their social distancing?

    Here’s one from Kate – why not spend spare time valeting your people carrier whilst you are off work? Make sure you pay special attention when vacuuming and shampooing the boot carpet to ensure it is scrupulously clean.

    And a gem from Gerry – how best to dig a hole in hard ground for your hardy perennials when you have just a rusty spade and a pick-axe to hand. Gerry shows you the best techniques to quickly make a large, deep excavation without disturbing neighbours, who may be relaxing as they social distance.

    These would be Twatter-must views.

  9. May I add that I think that Kate and Gerry McCunt are two of the dodgiest cunts who ever lived…

    • Celebrities are ‘about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike’ (Alan Ford)

  10. That Madonna video is scary…what a weird looking cunt she has become with all those nip and tucks.
    Coronavirus would shit itself if if had to try and infect that old slapper.
    The thing is these cunts actually think they are doing the right thing by updating us abaaaaaht their lives and think they’re spreading positivity.
    I hope after all this dies down we all tell them to go fuck themselves.
    What a load ah cunts.

    • Yeah and as usual it’s really all about her isn’t it, erotically poised (well I’m sure she thinks it is) in the bath with her flowerpetals… I’m driven mad with desire in my self-isolation.
      What the fuck has the old biddy done to her face? Looks like a wax death mask.

      • Is the video really that terrifying? I mean I’ve seen some shit. beheadings, stabbings,cartel hostage torture vids it can’t be that scary…

        Then again its Madonnas horrible plastic surgery aged body, the cunt still refuses to age gracefully

      • I’ve still got full-frontal pictures of her from some girlie magazine, I think it was Mayfair.

      • Nipples that could cut a glass shop front window.

        Areola like Scammell lorry wheel nuts.

      • she used to live near me back in the 80s – now i’m more famous but shit happens

    • Cheers for that, Norm. She was really lovely. I didn’t mind a bit of Samantha Fox back in the day, but when it was Linda’s turn on Page 3, it was a good day.

      Did you see her cameo performance in Detectorists? Still looking good I must say.

  12. Well you can only speak as you find. In this awful period of self-isolation, I find that these celebrity updates give a sense of purpose and meaning in an otherwise pointless existence.

  13. The ginger cunt and his old tart Mrs from Pikey Blinders were on this morning donating lots of money to buy masks and shit for the NHS, now thats all fine except where are they buying them, I assume the NHS procurement have gone to all the suppliers on their books and ordered ‘everything they can make’

    If they really wanted to help they could Fuck Off and leave it to the experts.

    Keep Clam and carry on, the Professor Popkiss bloke reckons that between 2 and 3% of the UK population either have or have had chinky flu!

  14. Guess what happens when the worst ,most vile people ,who have spent their entire “career” shittting on every cunt nearest to them. They just double down In their delusion and their fuckwittery. Ignore children.

  15. Ta for the heads-up fellas. I’d never know nuffink abaaaat* these celebricunts if it weren’t for you pissers.

    * © B&WC

    • Must be horrible for black & whites asslicking obsession with the pandemic going on he can’t stick his tongue up’ em…

      • But B & W’s enormous cock means he can use that and at the same time be social distancing at least 2 metres away from his target. Win, win, win!

  16. How wonderful, the national treasure The blessed Stephen Fry giving poor little me advice on mental health issues. Linicker/lineacher a retired footballer, I would rather take health advice from a tree stump. What next Reg Dwight and partner discuss the effect of the lurgy on divorced spouses pension claims. Holy fuck is this what we have come to?

  17. None of these celebrity cunts actually have the real virus they are just griefjacking for pity points to stay relevant because they are cunts

    You see that prick Tom Hanks being a complete fucking cunt on twitter has pretty moderate symptoms for a deadly contagious virus. Maybe Idris Elba has it? alot of jokes online that he gave it to Justin Trudeau wifes

    • And on that note. Has anyone else noticed that statistically, celebrities seem to make up a disproportionate percuntage of Coronageddon sufferers?

  18. I have no problem with celebrities telling everybody who listen what to do, because I don’t listen and don’t give a shit what they say. My problem is more with the cockheads who not only take every thing these rich fuckwits say as gospel, but then try to persuade other people that they should listen too.

  20. How come I haven’t seen Lily Slagheap’s weeping visage yet? Does she have to wait for her agent to tell her everything? Come on Lily, get those tear ducts oiled up you fucking pathetic fake.

  21. Best news of the day.

    Brighthouse goes into administration.

    From a typical whinging customer

    ‘I paid £2,000 for a £450 TV’ says rent-to-own victim

    Scott Clayton was working part-time when he became a customer of one of the UK’s rent-to own firms.
    Having entered into an agreement he ended up paying four times the value for a TV.

    He clearly thinks it far more important to purchase an unnecessary electrical household item rather than to learn how to use a calculator. And then moan about his own stupidity.

    Sorry but zero sympathy here.

    Fucking thick cunt.

    • How can they go into administration?

      They must’ve been creaming it off the backs of poor cunts for years now. One month of coronavirus and they fold???

      I’m pretty sure no one is holding a mackerel under my nose but something smells fishy to me!

      Greedy, usury cunts!

      • I think it had something to do with legislation brought in last year to limit the amount of interest to the actual cost of the item, so in the case of the above thick cunt the most cash Brighthouse could legally get from him would be £900 in all (for a TV not worth anything like £450).

        As part of the transaction they also used to add on insurance payments on top of the customer interest payments which increased the total costs significantly.

        Seem to remember Brighthouse being taken to court and losing cases (and having to pay large amounts in compensation) for selling items to customers who were not in a position to make the repayments. A bit like the sub prime market 15 years or so ago.

        Also that allegedly there used to be an indirect link to Goldman Sachs at one point (think the founder/major shareholder in Brighthouse used to be a partner?) so fishy it almost certainly is Rebel.

    • Brighthouse,an absolute bunch of cunts but it is indicative of the type of twat who organises a barbecue whilst the country is in lockdown.

      • I ordered a TV from Brighthouse – two weeks later I received a parcel containing a Man in a dress! 😄😄

      • I am in fear of being arrested by the woke joke Police WS!
        “What is the charge”
        “Weak and winsome whimsy M’Lud”
        “Send him down”!

  22. There was a picture doing the rounds of Madge in her bath cos…coronavirus!

    I didn’t even recognise her. Christ she’s had some work done on her and now she looks like Faye Dunaway after she’d lost her looks!?!

    Do these imbeciles not realise how fucking awful they look striving to look 20-30yrs their junior – and failing miserably?

    I’d much rather see the elegant ageing process than these featureless stretched to fuck monstrosities. But they’ll never know how bad they look because they’re surrounded by cunts in their gravy-train bubble who only know how to say: “Oh wow, you look fab Madonna!” – for fear of being cast aside and off the payroll.

    In fairness Ms Ciccone still looked good for a woman in her 50’s, but now that the six-zeros have struck she’s decided to go the way of the knife. Awful.

    I mean her voice wasn’t up to much in the first place, she was a pop icon more than a vocal genius, but now – with her face stretched like that – the sound coming out must resemble that of air escaping from a balloon knot!

    Self-centred, narcissistic cunts!

    • Despite muttering bollocks about Covid 19 being the great leveller, she now looks like an Oriental, sitting in her petalled bath with her tits propped up by her knees.

      “Rike a Wirgin – yeee!”

      Guy Ritchie pulled the ripcord just in time…

    • “the sound coming out must resemble that of air escaping from a balloon knot”

      Laugh out loud moments like that are why I come here.

    • It never fails to amaze me that there are still dull cunts who will have that dreadful looking plastic surgery. Fuck me, she looks like someone having a massive allergic reaction to a bee sting on her stupid face. How anyone would take wisdom from a silly old slag who payed a fortune to look that ugly. Surely a couple of wrinkles is better than that? All her arselickers probably tell her she looks ‘fantastic darling’. If she had real friends, they would call her a silly bitch for thinking of it, and would be mocked mercilessly if she went ahead with it. Fuck up, you washed up old trout.

  24. My biggest concern is that not enough of these attention seeking fuckers are actually getting seriously ill.
    Fuck off and die, slebs

  25. As a celebrity myself I think it’s great that all celebrities should be shafted – one cos they is too thick to understand anything and two cos they just fuck me off no end – fuck off

  26. Excellent double nom, but glad to be kept informed by all the World’s meeja how the poor dahlings are doing.
    I am suffering from “sick and f*cking tired of slebs pretending to have coronavirus for sympathy” syndrome.
    Amazing how they show virtually no symptoms and appear to recover immediately..

    • And allegedly s*it at cleaning blood, hair and DNA from the car they hired several days after reporting their Daughter missing.

  28. I cringe when these fuckin so called celebs post their poxy “oh look at me” videos, the fuckin sanctimonious cunts. Get out there and help you fuckin bellends. I can’t stand Jose Morinho but at least the cunt has got off his arse and done something to help. Also fuck the premier league and football pundits, who gives a fuck if the league can’t finish, fuck off you twats get some perspective. FUCKIN WANKERS ALL OF EM.

  30. And it must be lovely to be able to self isolate in a big, detached fucking mansion and not try to work from home surrounded by one cunt blasting shite radio outside and the neighbour cunt blaring his TV through the wall.

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