Bad News

Good news is no news, the old saying goes. On the other hand, BAD news is always news, and bloody hell, as ever, there’s plenty of it about. Naturally, the meeja just loves to pile on the gloom and doom to depress us all.

Coronavirus is on the rampage, an epidemic that’s about to acquire superstar, pandemic status. As well as the cost in human misery, the effects on the global economy are predicted to be dire. Over in Brussels, EU plutocrats want to play the cunt in trade negotiations, and this could mean that we’ll run out of everything as a consequence. The planet’s on fire, so we’re told repeatedly by creepy truant Grunta Thunderbox and her cult following. The Middle East certainly is on fire, pushing yet more hordes of migrants ( not to mention a load of pure chancers) in Europe’s direction. To add to the fun, yet more storms threaten to batter the living daylights out of us, with the the Met Office in its element, predicting the equivalent of a month’s rainfall in a day. The Markles are back in the UK, spreading their own unique brand of irritation and annoyance, and the Villa look odds on for the drop; yes, there’s news that goes from the sublime to the ridiculous, and none of it good. Read awl abaht it!

It just seems to go on and on…the stories peppered with alarmist trigger words such as ‘DISASTER’, ‘CATASTROPHE’, ‘CHAOS’, ‘HORROR’ and the like. Never mind though, as according to NASA, there’s a huge, fuck off asteroid heading straight for us come the end of April. Apparently it’s a planet killer, so if it strikes, it’ll be Goodnight Vienna. We can all bend over, put our heads between our knees and kiss our arses goodbye. It’ll be the end of all our troubles. Yet at the same time, we’re told to keep calm and carry on. Don’t panic! Don’t panic! Don’t hoard tins of beans and bog roll. You end up not knowing what to believe.

I’m sick of hearing this shit. Isn’t there some good news out there for the meeja to report on, instead of the relentless barrage of paranoia-inducing negativity they subject us to? Well fuck that. I’ve got my book in one hand, and a very large glass of malt in the other (just a touch of soda), and I’m off to bed to snuggle up to the wife. I fully expect to wake up after a good night’s sleep, to face the first day of the rest of my life, as will the overwhelming majority of us. It’s normal. I’d call that good news, but don’t expect to read about it in ‘The Mail’ or ‘The Express’. They’re just desperately waiting for an announcement about a new royal baby being on the way. That’s THEIR idea about what constitutes some good news to the rest of us. Give us a fucking break.

Nominated by Ron Knee

165 thoughts on “Bad News

  1. It’s absolutely amazing the amount of insight the meeja can offer. I was just having a look at Daily Express website, which has a large picture of a man wearing a facemask walking down a London street. Amazingly, it was captioned ‘a picture of a man wearing a facemask walking down a London street’. Sadly it had omitted the word ‘yesterday’ from the end of the sentence.
    Wankers.

  2. Arnold Swarzenegger cheered me up. he exhorted all of us to stay at home and keep calm, mind you he was smoking a big fat cigar while immersed in his outdoor hot tub at his luxurious villa. at the time

    • Is that Big Arnie’s dog in the video? Bloody hell, I thought he’d go for a throat-ripping Rottweiler or something, not a handbag pooch. My cat would kill that, eat it and shit it out.

  3. it’s rather strange watching TV adverts atm. they just seem to be carrying on as though everything is normal, particularly bizarre are the holiday adverts. wtf? i think when they realise no one has any money to spend and wont for the foreseeable future , adverts will fizzle out.

    • They keep showing that advert for cruises with that Rob Brydon or whatever he’s called. Famous for doing a good Ronnie Corbett impersonation and being Steve Coogan’s mate.

      Imagine trying to flog a cruise right now?

      World’s gone mad.

  4. The ads also apply to products in the shop which are not available. The ad for Cushelle toilet roll seems to be popular. Chance would be a fine thing!

    • I went out with a girl named Cushelle. It was going really well.
      Until one day we went swimming with her daughter, she sucked up all the water.

      • Have you seen the claws on those fuckers? Unless you’re quite kinky a Wallaby would be easier and less painful.

  5. I wish they stop those fucking ads with the weak bladdered old wimminz saying if its too dry try lubing it up with tena lady fanny lube, the fucking missus is giving me the glad eye

    • Every time I see a picture of Fergie Pork’s face, it makes me think of Dry, Itchy Cunt cream.

    • Never encountered vaginal dryness, I always make them wet. Mmm, tasty. Girls, dont shave the pubic hair, it keeps ys face warm.

  6. Over here in Cyprus, petrol has gone down in price by about 10%. There you go Ron – some good news!!

    • Here in France, the French are panic buying soap. I am now convinced this is a serious situation.

    • Lol! Wonder if that’ll happen here? Mind you, petrol will probably be the next thing that panic-buying cunts will try to horde, with queues forming as they fill up plastic milk containers.
      Meanwhile there was more good news in the house this morning as the postman delivered my 2020-21 tax code.
      Fucking death and taxes huh?

      • 20 litres max in the uk. Doesnt stop you having 4 and filling one at each station. As we are self isolating and stuff, there is no need. Doubt that will stop some people though…

  7. To lighten the mood with stupidity: Pink is raising her kids gender neutral. How? Give your girl/boy a barbie doll, a dress, a toy car and a man’s suit? Its ridiculous, surely gender identity is for your child to discover when its older. Just treat a girl like a girl and a boy like a boy until the day they say ‘mummy I think I should have been a boy (or girl)’.

  8. Highlight of my day yesterday was ITV Weather. As most of the country self isolate, and businesses close, we are going to have a few days of lovely weather, typical. Plus, that weather was presented by the seraphim that is Lucy Verasamy, who is absolutely gorgeous! Couple years ago BBC’s Keekey Donovan won sexiest weather girl of the year, but I say Lucy is way sexier! sexier!

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