Tactless Doctors

A minor cunting for my doctor, his technique and grammar.

I seem to have developed a Baker’s cyst in my knee joint…its rather sore to say the least, so I went to see the trusty doc to find out whats what. He examined my knee and put his thumb into the back of the joint and pushed in.

He asked “Does it hurt when you do this?” I think what he meant was “Does it hurt when I do this?” because no sane person would jab their thumb onto a painful cyst, so no, it doesn’t hurt when I do that because I WOULDN’T DO THAT.

You would have to be some kind of deranged masochist to consider doing that to yourself.

Nominated by lord benny

45 thoughts on “Tactless Doctors

    • When Nurse Cunty was in training, she got into trouble with the matron for misunderstanding her instructions.
      She’d just finished treating a patient whose face was screwed up in pain before the matron barked at her. . . . . . . . .
      “Nurse Cunty, I told you to prick his boil!”

        • Ha,ha. 👍🏻 You can prick my boil anytime Nurse C.
          I bet you’ve had some great tales to tell over your career!

  1. Last doctor I saw didn’t really have a very good grasp of English and an accent I couldn’t decipher.

    I decided I didn’t need a doctor after all and went home to see if things got better or worse without the need to sacrifice a few chickens.

  2. Doctor: Well Madame, we’ve got the results back and it’s quite conclusive leaving no room for doubt or conjecture. Frankly, It’s unequivocal.

    Jess Phillips: Ow Gawd. Worris it Dr?

    Doctor: You’re a stage 4 Cunt.

    • Saw a pic of Jess Phillips in the commons on their first day back. I have never seen such a scruffy unwashed looking cunt then her in parliament .

      Then I saw her face an realised I had never seen such ugly zombiefied corpse in parliament either .

    • My Dr is great habe to say she’s a lovely young back lady really does her job well and is cracking to eyeball to.

      My old Dr was a African man who didn’t give a flying fuck , wouldn’t even look at you to great you. Just ummm and arred and gave you pills. Could not have less care if he tried.

      Luckily he got the boot as so any of the patients would not allow him to check them out .

      • With all due respect, I am concerned that either your fingers have become arthritic, or you have some kind of peripheral neuropathy. It might be wise to see your attractive lady doctor. Alternatively, perhaps it’s time you replaced your keyboard.

        • Sorry about that Komodo am currently travelling on one London s finest buses on one of its finest pot holed roads .

          Please except ones humble apologies dear sir.

          • Your explanation is unimpeachable, and your persistence in contributing to our conversation, admirable. I am indeed much relieved to learn that your digits are intact and their utility is otherwise unimpaired. No apology whatever is required, Sir, and I hope your journey was otherwise fruitful.

          • The reason why she has large breasts is simple: Halfway through the gender-alteration, and soon after the surgeon had removed the male genitalia, both parties realised that, as The good Sherriff has pointed out, the patient was so woefully ugly that it was deemed impossible that it would ever appear to be from either gender. Consequently, a huge pair of saddle-bags was installed in an attempt to feminise the patient.

            Alas, the surgeon could do nothing about the continual rasping, shrill voice.

  3. I went to see the doctor.
    Doc ….. What’s wrong ?
    Me …… I’m aching all over, I’m seeing flashing lights, I’ve got pins and needles in me legs and I’m sweating like a pig !
    Doc …. Amazing ! Absolutely amazing ! I’ve got exactly the same symptoms. I wonder what it is ?
    Good morning.

    • I had one like that too! worse one I ever had sort of relayed my life back to me and said, “In fairness you have done pretty well for the life you have lead”

  4. I once saw a doctor who for the whole of my appointment (I hadn’t been able to piss for 2 weeks) just listened half-heartedly and never looked at me once, just had his legs crossed and was seemingly admiring his new-looking footwear.

    He never prescribed me any medication or even asked me to piss in a bottle (which admittedly was impossible for me at that stage)

    Anyway, cut a long story, short – I complained about the cunt, took it further and recieved £1500 in compensation as the infection then became something more serious.

    Hippocratic Oath my scrawny old bloocks…

  5. Not been the doctors in years, last time i went was some fat irish woman with her dinner down her jumper.
    She was fucking useless, not been since, im not a hypochondriac!!
    Besides ive always spat blood and had seizures!
    Sign of a healthy constitution that!

  6. I’ve always liked this one:
    Patient – “Doctor, no-one takes any notice of me.”
    Doctor – “Next!”
    I don’t know, it just makes me laugh. Also there’s a tv sketch, I think it was from Naked Video.
    Doctor to female patient – “So remember, from now on, you’re eating for two.”
    Patient (grinning) – “So it’s true, Doctor, I am pregnant.”
    Doctor – “Pregnant? No, no you’ve got a tapeworm.”

  7. Just back from having a flu jab.

    My doctor, who happens to be a female Müzzîe, recommended I also have a ‘pneumococcal vaccination’, whatever the fuck that is.

    So I’m now Ruff Tuff ‘two pricks’ Creampuff.

    Am expecting to pass away ‘peacefully’ in my sleep later tonight…

    • Morning Ruffy. Perhaps she mistook your heavy, lecherous breathing as a sign that you might be prone to developing pneumonia?

      • Doctor: I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.

        Ruff Tuff: Why, Dr?

        Doctor: Because you’re in my office.

        • Ha-ha – very funny!

          See? I can take a joke. I didn’t get where I am today without being able to laugh at myself.

          Unlike my doctor who seemed to take umbrage when I entered her surgery and said “my God you’re ugly.”

          Some people have got no sense of humour.

          Afternoon chaps.

    • “So I’m now Ruff Tuff ‘two pricks’ Creampuff’

      Life’s only going to get harder for you now!

      • It’s strange Bertie, but I’ve not had the horn once since getting those two little pricks.

        • Mrs B had hers last week but came through it bravely saying she was used to putting up with a little prick through much of her life.
          I’ve still got mine to cûm.

  8. I miss my old(now dead) family doctor(Anglo Barbadosian, RCS qualification) straight forward but not snide or condescending. This is the problem, this is how it will be fixed or not, goodbye and pay the bitch receptionist on the way out. I can’t stand the way medical professionals talk to you as though you were four years old including relatives in the profession that don’t turn it off when off duty. Yes you know who you are.

  9. Doc: I’m sorry but i have two bits of bad news for you.
    Patient: Oh no! Whats the first doc?
    Doctor: You have cancer.
    Patient: Oh thats terrible. Whats the other bad news doc?
    Doctor: I’m afraid you have dementia.
    Patient: Oh thats absolutely terrible doctor! But, oh well, looking on the bright side, at least i don’t have cancer.

    • Bit like the activists on the Dementia Action march.
      “What do we want?” ” Fuck knows”
      “When do we want it? ” “Want what?”
      Mind you with the cunts in parliament being forgetful is what they are counting on.

  10. Limped in to health centre informed the receptionist I have a appointment with the doctor, she replied “which doctor” I repalied “no an ordinary doctor will do”. Nhs supposed to be short of money my arse, this diversity crap is out of control.

  11. Little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.”
    The doctor says “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

    The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly.”
    “Good”, the doctor said, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.”

    • Was the little old biddy Lady Hale, by any chance ?
      She looks like the sort of farting, gumming, deaf old bat you find around Cardiff…

  12. My old GP was a splendid chap. He witnessed me being knocked off my motorcycle and sauntered over to me and said ‘Ah, Dr Ryan, and how are we today?
    He was of Indian descent so we were all amused when he was made Sheriff of Nottingham.

  13. I’m genuinely amazed that doctors aren’t more tactless. I wouldn’t be able to keep my yap shut if I was faced with an endless collection of feckless malingerers,screaming brats, sexual miscreants,over-protective parents,immigrants,lardarses and people who have no sense of personal responsibility….and fucking Warwick Davis types.

    Fuck them.

    • I could just imagine you as a GP Dick. You’d save the NHS a fortune and cut the queues right down at the surgery.
      “I’ve got a terrible cold Dr Fiddler, could I please have some antibiotics to sort me out?
      What! Fuck off and close the door behind you.

    • You’d be great in the ambulance service, Dick, beit a Call Handler or front-line crew:

      “You’ve called 999 for THAT? Put the fucking ‘phone down or I’ll come round there and give you something to call 999 for”!!


      “You’ve called us for that, you cunt? Drive on, DCI whilst I hit the ‘Clear’ button”.


  14. Best ever Viz “Crap Joke” – Bloke standing in front of doctor’s desk, with his shirt off.

    Bloke: “Doctor, I’ve eaten something that disagrees with me”
    Speech bubble from Bloke’s belly: “No you haven’t”

Comments are closed.