The World’s Hardest Verruca

I enjoy swimming; it’s good exercise and I find it relaxing. Conversely, I’m not fond of going for a swim at the local public baths.
There are a few things that piss me off about public swimming pools, most of them human. Yummy mummies for instance, ‘oohing’ and pulling silly faces as their progeny flop about in a blow-up ring about the size of a tractor tyre, looking as though they might piss in the water at any second. Yummy mummies fuss and hover like a mother hen, ready to strike out if you go within ten feet of their chick. Best avoided, but easier said than done in a busy pool.
Then there are the fuckwit lumps who hurl themselves into the water with all the flaying grace of a plane plunging tail first into the ocean, in spite of the ‘NO DIVING’ signs. Probably can’t read, the thick twats.
Don’t let me forget the orange-peel skinned old biddies strung out across the shallow end, yacking vacuously about last night’s ‘Corrie’ or the latest royal baby, while kidding themselves that they’re actually taking some exercise. And there’s Billy Big Bollocks, the twat using the changing room hair dryer to dry his cobs.
But the thing I hate most about indoor pools isn’t the cunts in them, or the horrible clammy atmosphere, or the uncomfortably chilly water and showers, or the shit coffee in the café. No, the thing I despise most is the unwanted gift which sometimes comes free with a visit, namely a fucking verruca. I’ve been fighting one of these little shithouses on my left foot for months to no avail, and I’m really becoming irritated with the sensation of walking about with a pound coin soldered to my foot.
Initially I phoned our GP surgery to ask for an appointment at the wart clinic, where they used to blast the bastards with a freezing spray. Sadly the clinic is defunct; a ‘staffing issue’ apparently. At our pharmacy, I was sold something called ‘Bazuka’ (extra strength no less), as in ‘Bazuka That Verruca!’. This, according to the box, is ‘guaranteed’ to sort the fucker.
Trouble is, it hasn’t. I’ve smeared on the gel and filed, and smeared on more gel, and after months of this, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m up against THE WORLD’S HARDEST VERRUCA. This is one tough bastard; harder than a bag of spanners. In fact it’s so hard that I’ve come to have a grudging respect for it, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want rid of it pronto.
If anyone out there in IsACland knows how to shift the cunt, short of taking out a contract on it or having my foot amputated, I’d be delighted to hear from you. It’s time to take off that verruca sock and start to fight dirty.

Nominated by Ron Knee

41 thoughts on “The World’s Hardest Verruca

  1. If you have access to a 25 watt VHF radio transmitter, you may be in business. Long ago I had a persistent verrucca, and had read that a bit of RF energy would shift it – at the time I was repairing marine electronics for a tenuous living and had a VHF set on the bench. Lashed up a probe with a bit of copper wire and a PL259 aerial plug, applied probe end to verruca for 5-10 secs with the transmitter keyed, and the wart had gone in a couple of days. Tingled a bit, but no other adverse effect.
    NOTE: I accept no responsibility for any injury or damage consequent on trying this. Do it entirely at your own risk.

    • Hi Ron, not had one of these little bastards for ages but then again i rarely bathe!
      Loads of treatment from chemists but bit weak.
      Can have them frozen off i think?
      Heard wasp stings work well try and dislodge a waspnest then barefoot trample it, might feel some discomfort at first! But in morning your trotters will be like fred astaires!!

      • Hi Mis.
        You used to be able to get them sorted with a freeze spray at our GPs, but they’ve stopped that. stuff from the chemist is u/s

      • Hi Mis
        Stuff from the chemist’s rubbish. I might have to (gulp) ‘go private’ if I want the freeze treatment

      • Hi Mis
        Stuff from the chemist’s rubbish. I might have to (gulp) ‘go private’ if I want the freeze treatment

    • I tried that and my naughty bit was quite distressed. Don’t try it cunters.

  2. Ron – I seem to be detecting a medical theme with your recent noms. Am I right?
    I reckon the next one will be a cunting about screwing on your artificial leg!

    • Sign of the fucking times old son, when you get to my age. I’ve told the wife that if the time ever comes when I can’t get it up, she’s to buy me a ticket to Switzerland one way, cos I’ll be fucking done if that day comes.

      • Hi Ron! Hope your well apart from the verruca?
        If you go Switzerland can you bring me back a toblerone…
        Oh get what you mean now! Forget the chocolate!😀

        • They look nothing like the fucking alps anyway. Back to verrucas,I’ve had one for 10 plus years, it has resisted everything I have thrown at it but not tried wasps yet. Won’t visit GP as he’s a cunt, when my mate went with a sore throat the fucker put his finger up his arsehole! Didn’t even help, friend ended up with earache too and had to give Dr a blowjob in exchange for antibiotic course.

  3. I knew this was a Ron Knee nom before I even started reading.

    Classic Ron 👍

  4. I have read where people stick their feet in a tank of little fish which gently nibble off dead skin. Perhaps with your verruca being such a tough lump to shift,you could fly out to The Amazon,coat your foot in some fresh pig’s blood and then go paddling in a shoal of Piranha?

    Glad to help,Ron.

    • People have tried this with genital warts and have ended up with no nudgers!

    • Duct tape, gaffer tape, Gorilla tape.
      Slice off top of verruca without going too deep – no blood. Then stick a small piece of duct tape over verruca. When tape falls off, repeat.

  5. In my teens I worked as a lifeguard at East Ham baths to save money to backpack, it put me off of using them forever!!
    The manager used to do the pool readings and it appeared the pool had more piss in it than water!
    Arriving for work one morning we noticed something floating in the pool?
    We got the long pole net out to remove the foreign object which exploded when we lifted it? I’m not kidding!!!
    Under environmental health the pool was shut , fully drained, scrubbed with disinfectant.

      • No BS just a common turd!!
        What fucking animal would do that?
        Most of the kids using the pool where white, mind you it was the early 80,s ….

        • An exploding turd! It’s a wonder the bomb squad weren’t called. This could give the peacefuls ideas – a plentiful supply of explosive materials without the inconvenience of having to queue at the supermarket for chemicals!

          • Hi BS …….
            forgive my artistic description of the turd “ exploding “ I think overnight the chlorine had effected the integrity of the No2 and as we delicately tried to lift it with the long pole net it disintegrated
            Into a brown cloud!! 😂

  6. A pirate goes to the doctor and says…
    “Doc, I’ve got moles on me back, aaarrrgh”…

    The doctor takes a look and says, “Nothing to worry about, they’re benign”…

    “Count again,” says the pirate, “I think there be ten”….

  7. Try a blowlamp. Just 10 seconds or so and the fucker is gone.
    May be some collateral damage.

  8. I’ve only ever had one of these bastards, back when I was a kid and swam a lot. I recall my mother tried all sorts of useless shit that passed for treatment at the time but none of it worked. Eventually I got so fed I sat on the bog and cut the fucker out with a penknife. Can’t remember if it hurt and there was blood everywhere but I’ve not had one since.

    • ‘fed up’, that is. On reflection I reckon I was lucky. I swam 3 times a week for years but only got the one.

  9. You need a witch to cast it away with a spell.
    Try asking Thornberry or Kate Burley if they can help.

  10. Serves you right for going to a public baths, Ronald.
    I used to swim for the school when I was younger (particularly bad flooding that year) but haven’t attended the local baths in years, mainly because the idea of sharing water with some quent’s cum-spattered arsehole, inumerable hitherto unwashed dangly portions, ripe sweaty trotters, minging pits and floating plasters, has made me strangely reluctant.

    • So many people pile into our local pool they ain’t swimming in water more like cock o leeki soup. No way would I go into that pool even though an uprated filtration system was fitted last winter. Fucking thing is a health hazard, as SG pointed out the liquid contained in the pool is in direct contact with all sorts of minging bits and pieces horrible , horrible nothing short of gamma radiation would kill off the bugs and then you have the solids to filter out. Very surprised that some form of mutated Clap has not come into being and infected most of the holiday makers.

  11. Sometimes cutting off the air supply to them can see them shrivel. Keep the little bastard well covered by a plaster for about one month.

    Obviously a single plaster wont last a month, so change the plaster every couple of days but stop the air getting to it. Suffocate the little cunt!

  12. I second the self surgery. I dug around mine with a pin until it was like a mighty castle surrounded by an empty moat, then I picked under it until it came off.

    I quickly put it in a small pot of pissy water and returned it to the pool where it swam free.

  13. Another method which is not favoured now is to soak a verruca-sized pad of cotton wool in formalin (2% formaldehyde solution) and stick it to the verruca with a plaster. Change daily, and sand off what you can before replacing. Takes a while, but works. Try not to look at the hazard warnings on the formalin bottle when you do this. It never did me any harm. Nowadays anything remotely effective is illegal over the counter.

  14. Thanks for the suggestions guys. Sorry for not replying to the later ones sooner but I’ve got internet problems. it keeps blanking on me and telling me ‘no internet; DNS server can’t be found’, whatever the fuck that means.

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