The Tour de France

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The first tour D’France

A gallic cunting please for the Tour de France.

I enjoy road cycling and especially watching bits of the grand tours. So it is slightly odd to be cunting this race but I find myself getting quite narked at much around the event.

First off, the fucking thing is way, WAAAY too long. A typical stage will consist of 4+ hours of scenic, uneventful cycling and perhaps a mere 15mins total of a breakaway, or someone attacking, or someone falling off their fucking bike, or a protestor throwing a pot of piss at a Team Ineos rider.

Then we have all these fucking annoying ‘unwritten rules’… If the leader stops, everyone should stop and let him catch up; if one person in a team is stronger than the designated leader, he still has to stay behind him; no-one is supposed to race on the last day – I mean for fucks sake, what is this?? Think about F1. If Sebastian Vettel was lying at the side of the road at Silverstone, bleeding to death due to an horrific crash, you can be assured that Lewis Hamilton would carry on fucking driving until told not to and rightly so. The TdF is billed as a supposed race for fucks sake, but too much of the three weeks is a just a procession.

Then, post-tour, you see all the overweight middle-aged cunts get on a bike; some of them even have the front to wear a replica yellow jersey or King of the Mountains jersey. The fucking state of it. Infesting our roads like a peloton of fat middle-managers.

And as for all the raving about British dominance in recent years, I actually find the British riders as appealling as cold vomit:

Bradley Wiggins – the self-styled people’s cunt
Chris Froome – plastic Brit with less personality than a lobotomy outpatient
Geraint Thomas – Welsh simpleton

It’s a shame Robert Millar turned into a cross-dressing weirdo, because the cunt was indeed an excellent cyclist.

Thank fuck it is over for another year. The Tour de Cunt.

Nominated by  The Empire Cunts Back.

46 thoughts on “The Tour de France”

  1. Nicely written ECB!
    Everything I love this , loads of lycra clad cyclists blocking the road, and getting in everyones way, and french cunts!

    A puncture on all off them, the pains in the arse.

  2. Nothing sadder than an overweight, sweaty mess of a man in his mid 40’s or 50’s wearing the yellow jersey while he’s cycling….
    I think “all those sponsors, he must be a professional”, then as I get closer I realise that he’s just a typical middle manager cunt that doesn’t realise that once you get to certain age you shouldn’t be wearing football kits, snazzy trainers, or Bradley Wiggins cycle shirts.

    …and no man should EVER wear lycra. EVER.

      • The baddies of spiderman should make sure they fight in a bathroom shop. If they can fling him into a bath tub he won’t be able to get out.

      • Today Spider-Man climbed 68 floors up a building in Hong Kong to promote peace. I wish I could think of a punch line but it really happened.

  4. Recipe for Cuntishness. Anything that combines France and pushbike riders was never going to produce a very pleasant outcome. Might as well try pushing a peaceful into a septic-tank and then wondering where the appalling smell is coming from.

    Fuck them.

  5. MP’s eager to flash their green credentials too, Boris looking dishevelled, probably the biggest danger on the road in Central London rush hour and Corbyn pootling along to his allotment praying he avoids roving moped gangs. Thank the gods Flabbott is a woman of the people and gets the tube.

    • I am sure she would look good in lycra LL – like the boot of a 1954 Austin A40 Somerset. Built to last and room for plenty of storage for a spare tyre or two

      • She would need one of those road ‘pilots’ with flashing lights and ‘wide load’ signage you see in Australia with huge house moving vehicles W.C.

      • I’d love to see her ion a tandem with Dominic Grieve. He would need legs like oak trees to push her along, but I rather hope he would be in back, with Diane farting her KFC and red beans and rice straight into his nostrils while she shouts Dominic, honey child, can you smell the new mown hay?

  6. The Tour de Frogs is bad enough but we’ve got the Women’s Football starting again next month.

    My mistake, it’s the Rugby World cup.

    • Even butcher bulldykes than the footie lezzies – the BBC will be there I’m sure.

      • The Beeb will creaming their libtard y-fronts at the prospect of the Gaylord World Cup.

  8. Just seen some bollocks on the ALBBC with some bint going on about the spread of facial recognition software couldn’t see why she is making an issue myself. Also a high percentage of trouble makers go round with their faces covered hoodies and scarves and of course our wonderful slime friends their women can legally hide their faces even in a bank as far as I know.

    • With the meteoric rise in deepfake technology, it’s a very dangerous game, now, more than ever, it’s essential that there be technology capable of hyper-cautious facial recognition.

      Here’s just a taste of what’s already possible and what’s yet to come, scary stuff.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWrhRBb-1Ig

      • This is a really weird link. If you left-click on it, it takes you to one thing, but if you right-click and ‘open in new tab’ it takes you to something else entirely.

      • Even stranger. Having tried it again both clicks take you to the same place but, unless I’ve missed something, it’s nothing to do with facial recognition.

      • I’ve clearly missed what this post is about, I don’t see any other faces except the interviewer and interviewee. If anything else is happening then I’m not seeing it.

  9. The only time the tour de france is interesting is when some Lycra clad Ponce goes sliding down the road or someone, usually all of these miserable cunts get cought out taking some illegal performance enhancing drug, but unfortunately it’s about as interesting to watch as cars rusting so a two wheeled cunt fest….

  10. Reckon if cyclists were on nostalgic bikes id be less inclined to knock em into the hedgerows of cheshire,
    If they rode Raleigh choppers and grifters, probably give them a cheery wave!
    And dressing as wasps isnt smart either, no one likes wasps!
    If they like lycra so much dress as a superhero or a 80s rockband.
    Just common sense really.

    • Chopper, Chipper and Tomahawk.
      Grifter, Boxer and Striker.

      Those childhood memories come flooding back.

      • What about a Penny Farthing Tour de Frogs, MNC?

        “I say, you there, get the Devil out of the way! In the name of Queen Victoria!”

      • Anything would be more entertaining than it as presently!
        Should be open to all childrens transport not just bicycles!
        Pogosticks, rollerskates, stilts etc

      • Just sold a grifter on flea-bay – managed to get just over 200 sovs for it. Result. Have a tomahawk in the garage that I need to clean up a bit, then flogging that, hoping to make over £300 for it (that’s what the going rate for nostalgia is these days, the mugs).

  11. Cunts, the lot of em. Now if a course was set and they had targets on their lycra and had to get from A to B without being shot, then they would win a years bike insurance for the road. I think a velodrome with all exits locked would be a fine venue. To ensure a fair sport I would suggest only one marksman… with a gattling gun on the start line.

  12. Just explain again Wiggo why your so called asthma spray travelled from south coast of England to Manchester airport, then flew to Switzerland and then driven to France to you.When you could just buy it over the counter in France?

  13. Grown men can have bicycles with engines. These cunts may as well drive pedal cars round the rest of the time.

    Grow up you cunts

  15. They are all a bunch of cheating drugged up cunts. My mate loves this shit, she foams at the gash when it’s on telly and even wastes her holidays in France watching it sometimes. It’s boring and tedious. Plus it’s infecting Yorkshire, my town was shut for a day a while ago whilst these bell ends ponced about. Nightmare.

    • We now have Tory MPs considering putting Corbyn into No10 to defeat brexit.

      I would imagine that every extremist with an axe to grind would exploit that and Putin would order his armed forces to commit provocative acts in the knowledge there would be no response.

      How can these people justify themselves remaining as Tory MPs.

      On the flip side their are labour MPs who will be forced to vote for Boris in a no confidence vote because they know letting Corbyn in through the back door is a real and present danger to the nation.

      It’s not often I admire labour MPs but on this occasion I can honestly say we need these patriotic labour MPs to tell the world what they fear about a Corbyn led government and why.

    • Harriet Harman must surely be dead.

      I saw Kenneth “friend of Democracy” Clarke being interviewed and the jury’s still out on his living status.

  17. Tour De France is indeed a load of shite…
    Mind you, I always did hate those Nazi looking Kraftwerk cunts…

    • I know its hard to believe ww2 is over norm but how do Kraftwerk look like nazi cunts exactly?

      I know tour de france might be a hard listen at first go its their most techno sounding album. I use to think it was their worst album at one point but now i’m pretty much convinced its their best if not at least 2nd best

  19. Tour de France? At least the cunts are over there and not getting in my way for a while, and while watching the histrionic suffering of sweating Lycra-fetishists may appeal to the gay BDSM crowd as well as TECB, it’s not titillating enough to persuade me to follow the sport. This summarises my feelings on the topic. Picture=1000 words:

    https://www.comedycard.co.uk/products/funny-cycling-card-bought-the-bike-and-ive-bought-all-the-kit?utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&gclid=EAIaIQobChMImv-Cs6SH5AIVRrDtCh2bWAsrEAQYASABEgLYZPD_BwE

  20. Not to be cuntfused with the Turd de France, Napoleon-complexed, boss-eyed, granny-sniffing, cheese-shagging, garlic-reeking surrender monkey Macron, le gros con.

  21. My sister has a useful take on the TDF

    She was in Paris and couldn’t get from A to B because the road was blocked off “for some bike race”.

  22. Must confess I quite like watching the TdF on a typical British summer day (i.e . when it pees down and staying indoors is the only sensible option). There is something quite satisfying doing bugger all lounging on a sofa listening to Classic FM (or Test Match Special) drinking beer and eating junk food while watching some halfwits pointlessly bust a gut riding up/down/back up scenic mountains in 30c/86f + temperatures. The thing that spoils it for me is the attention seeking cunts who run alongside the riders on the mountain stages. Should let the riders carry a bit of lead piping where a bike pump would normally go and give them a 10 second time off bonus for every one of the cunts they can cosh and hospitalise with it.

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