Soy Milk

One of my favourite pastimes is a long walk followed by coffee and cake at my favourite café.
After a leisurely five mile amble in the sun this morning, I drop into my usual haunt, to find yet another new assistant behind the counter (I call them ‘Karma Chameleons’; ‘they come and go, they come and go… a wo-hoh…’). This one is undoubtedly of Antipodean origins.
‘Gooday!’ she says with a beam as wide as a boomerang. ‘What kin ah gitchya?’.
‘Hi. Erm, a slice of lemon drizzle cake please, and a large cappuccino, semi-skimmed, extra hot’.
‘Now warries! Arl git rarht on it’.
So I wander over to my corner spot, and proceed to glance through ‘The Metro’. Over comes the cake (excellent as always) which I savour, and then proceed to take a sip of my coffee. There’s good news and bad news. The good news is that it’s very hot. The bad news is that it tastes, well, decidedly peculiar; a bitter tang, oily, and with a chalky texture. A second sip confirms it to possess definite sink cleaning potential, and back to the counter I go.
‘I’m afraid this coffee tastes unpleasant’, says I.
‘Arrh, ah’m sorree bert thet, Arl gitchya nather, now warries. Cappuccino, ixtra hot, soy milk, rahrt?’.
‘No, semi-skimmed’.
‘Arrh rahrt. Sorree thawca sid soy. Now warries’.
So a replacement duly arrives, which is indeed very good, and the source of the nastiness is explained. Which begs the question; who in their right mind actually drinks this soy shit, and why? Well here’s my take on it. If you like your coffee to taste as though a seagull’s just shat in it, you’re a soy boy and no mistake. Everybody else, avoid this cack like a dose of the clap. Gooday.

Nominated by Ron Knee

72 thoughts on “Soy Milk

  1. Nicely cunted Ron.

    Tbh, I add approx 30ml of Alpro “subtle sweet taste” to my porridge of a morning, cos I’m lactose intolerant. Haven’t tried it with anything else though, always have coffee black.

    Probably explains why I’m an amputee hating shemale.

    I’ll get my coat.

    • Try almond milk, Ruff Tuff. Its delicious taste perks up my muesli in the morn and contributes towards more Dairy Farmers lack of profits and therefore, hopefully, their impending subsequent suicide, I’m a quiet optimist.

      • Morning Capt. Am not really an almonds person, but will give it a try.

        Thoroughly pissed off and depressed today. I’ve got to get a mobile phone, otherwise I’ll no longer be able to bank online… CUNTS!

        They got me in the end.

        • Its the inconvenience of it Creampuff, jumping through hoops for, I assume that building society of wanky poem readings and shitty jingles on their adverts.

          • Quite frankly LL it’s humiliation on steroids and stilts!

            I am no longer a free man. I am a number.

          • Granted you are now a number but when they roll out voluntary brain implants for connecting to the Internet and you refuse to do so, you will be a free man until they abolish mobiles and all that is left is the implant option.

            Drip drip, drip drip.

        • My wholehearted sympathy. I have a very basic mobile, I never use the bloody thing. I now have to keep the cunt charged and switched on if I want to bank online. I don’t want to bank online? This is, decoded, what I was told:

          “You’ve got to bank online, with your low-value transactions with which we can no longer be arsed, you ragged-arsed peasant. And here’s a magic box which you’ve got to use for anything slightly less low-value. You are never to be allowed to speak to one of our human beings, some of whom actually know what they’re doing, ever again. And they’re getting their P45’s, so fuck off and die.”

          Get a simple phone, RTC. There’s no such thing as an understandable phone manual, as all they want to do is text you a number (so far), and there is less chance of the cunts collecting your metadata and selling it on. A display with largish letters is also recommended.

          Banks? Conniving bastard cunts for whom no corner of hell is hot enough.

          • @ Komodo

            Your sympathy and advice appreciated. Have my eye on a £10 Nokia from Carphone Warehouse. It will be used for receiving bank codes and FUCK ALL else.

          • Sound decision. Incidentally, “low value transaction” was the exact phrase used by the cunt, dressed to look like a security guard, as he attempted to demonstrate the use of his robotic system after I had wandered in hoping to transfer some cash. Yeah, may be just 5 digits on paper, but you cunts are writing 30X the debt, minimum, on the strength of it….my low value is your easy profit.

      • I unfortunately cannot hear “almond milk” without shuddering and thinking of the jiz-guzzling escapades of a certain Soft Cell vocalist…

    • I was raised on my mother’s tits until I was 4 years old. Consequently, I only make do with the real thing. There is a MILF in the village of child rearing age with whom I have an agreement. At morning coffee time, she promptly arrives to express a few drops into my cup of Sumatran dark roast. However, I do insist on witnessing this as I wouldn’t want anyone gobbing into my cup.

        • I wonder if she’s one of those ‘Lactating Lesbians’ a degenerate acquaintance of mine said he’d seen on Pornhub*?

          * Other purveyors of online filth are available.

          • I care not about mobile phones or nasty, lactating bùlldykes, just as long as the farmers get the whole shotgun barrel in their mouths.

            Good afternoon compatriots.

          • From the pic, it looks like the editor of Private Jap’s Eye is getting a little hairier…

  2. Never had the shite and never will. Juice for the save the world cunts. Apart from RTC.

  3. “‘ a large cappuccino, semi-skimmed, extra hot’.”……

    This is wrong in so many ways, Ron. Never mind the Soy milk (whatever the fuck that may be). In the mart cafe,a coffee is 2 spoons of instant in a chipped mug topped up with tepid water…milk in a little plastic pot with a peel-off top,sugar in little damp sachets…spoon to stir left on the table by previous customers……That’s a Man’s coffee, Ron….as for the fucking “lemon drizzle cake”..well. I don’t know why you don’t just take along your own packet of Mr.Kipling’s French Fancies and be done with it.

    Nice Cunting,Ron.

    • I see from your name change you’ve come across some famly ties to a regal Civil List dwelling family Dick ?

      • Well I figured that if Prince Harry can claim to be a member of Betty Windsor’s mob and get away with it, there is nothing to stop me making equally outrageous claims. I expect that I’ll be made a Viceroy of some Bongobongo land before much longer.


    • I’ve got a Nescafe coffee pod machine and use it to make only really strong Americano which is basically espresso in a full sized mug (espresso by the way contains something like a person’s entire monthly allowance of caffeine…… And I just had three of them this morning) currently buzzing my tits off.

      Real mans drink.

      • Must admit that I drink very little coffee,TITs, it’s tea for me. I have had a coffee from one of those pod machines and quite enjoyed it. Seems a better idea to have one of those contraptions than pay fuck-knows how much at those coffee-houses.

        • Agree completely. I can sit drinking my Americano, eating my gluten free cake, wearing my “I voted for brexit and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” t-shirt while reading reading Enemy of The State by Tommy Robinson and not get staired at by a load of blued haired landwhales and beardy, soyboy beta bitches.

      • Hello. New to this here gaff but I’ve been lurking some while.

        For a bunch of cunts you don’t half have some gay tastes in coffee. Fucking Americano, Cappuchino et al.

        Every morning before work I have a pint of instant cheap shit from Lidl in a glass measuring jug because I can’t get a mug big enough.

        If my missus tried that soy shit when making it for me (we do have it in the fridge cos she’s asthmatic and might cark it on dairy) it would be up the fucking wall.

        Anyway, good morning and get fucked.

        • Welcome to the forum and thanks for the man-up pro tip.

          I’ll try your advice by making two super caffeinated Americanos and tipping them into a pint glass. That’ll put hairs on my bollocks.

        • I just have a pint of Gordon’s. In a proper dimpled pint pot.
          Coffee’s for poofters…….

    • Back in the ’60s my mother used to make coffee with condensed milk. It was nice.

      Morning Nîggĕrbaiter.

          • You need to try oat milk. For the lactose intolerant, it’s kinder on the stomach and makes you fart less.
            Afternoon RTC

          • Afternoon Blunty me old mucker.

            Actually I probably used the wrong terminology: I’m not lactose intolerant, but do have an allergy to milk, it makes me produce excessive mucus. Thanks for the heads-up though.

          • Interesting, RTC. I seem to have developed an excess snot problem lately – wonder if the cause is the same? Drat and double drat. I’ll have to try a course of soy milk – eating Weetabix is unpleasant on its own. Look for me and my oestrogen-enhanced breasts at the next Gay Pride…

          • My sympathies, RTC, about the excessive mucus; I was told by a locum dentist that I suffered from “Post-nasal drip”. Finally, after about 25 years of nearly drowning in my own snot, the medicos have more or less got me sorted (am. Lansoprazole, and pm. liquid Gaviscon – on prescription here, and because I’m in Wales, free), but only because I demanded sleeping tablets (because of a near-total lack of sleep for nearly a fortnight…).
            If you want a GP to do anything, begging for sleeping pills is the way to sort them. They are too shit-scared to prescribe them any longer, so will do anything to avoid it. Apparently, mine is “asymptomatic reflux.” No symptoms, that is, apart from the snotting…

            Oddly, when I went to one of the earlier GPs, I told her I’d knocked back on dairy products, to see if that was the cause. Her response ? An unbelievably snotty (no pun intended…) “What did you do that for ? Why ??”
            I have a blonde GP that bears a luscious resemblance to ‘Alexis Texas, trenchcoat flasher’…

          • Very interesting HBH. I too am on Lans and Gaviscon for similar problems. It’s almost as if you’ve got a plug of mucus in your throat most of the time.Have you tried anti histamines to relieve it?
            After not much success, I’m trying natural products which thin mucus. These include Vit.C, Quercetin and Bromelain.

            Dr. Bertie Blunt MD

          • Thanks Belinda. The most problematic thing is the seemingly permanent frog in my throat. Constantly trying to swallow or spit out thick phlegm is no fucking way to live.

          • Belinda and RTC. I tried to post about this but it was strangely moderated. I’ve had similar problems for years with excess mucus. Antihistamines only help a little. I’m trying natural products which are supposed to give good results. These include Quercetin, Bromelain and vitamin C.

          • Yeah, tried antihistamines and Vit. C without much success. Not heard of Quercetin & Bromelain, willl check ’em out.

      • Isn’t his choice pseudonym problematic? Tommy Robinson or ‘Tommy’ sounds a bit thuggish, a bit rough.
        A bit of a lad our Tommy, ‘Rock on Tommy’ comes to mind.
        I think I’d get more behind him if he changed his name to Julian. Julian Robinson.

        • No Miles.

          It’s ‘Tommy’ as in British soldier (circa WWII). And ‘Robinson’ as in Robinson Crusoe, a man up against the odds.

          Fuck knows how Man Friday fits in to all this.

          • Seems like we’re an all-round phlegmatic bunch…
            GPs gave me antihistamines instead of sleepers, to try and use the “drowsy” side-effects to make me sleep. Useless. And the only time I ever had REAL sleepers, I had to take the max. dose for any effect.

            Lansoprazole really seems to help during the day, and Gaviscon keeps things fairly clear so I can sleep at night. A tablespoon of Lea & Perrins can be quite good, but I find it strangely addictive, not to mention bowel-bursting. Great with mince and onions, however.

  4. I can understand drinking this wank if you are lactose intolerant…… I’m a Coeliac so HAVE TO eat and drink shit gluten free stuff but these vegan cunts actually have the fucking choice.

    Milllenial hipster douchebaggery at it’s finest.

    • Yes Two, I can understand why people drink this when they’ve no choice. The missus is coeliac too so is in the same boat as you. What I’ll never understand is why cunts drink soy stuff out of choice. It tastes like shit, and I’d rather take my coffee black than pollute it with this muck.

      • Weird off topic question but how long has your missus been a Coeliac and is the trigger for it known?

        I only asked because I started getting the symptoms back in November when I was living in a flea infested house and used an excessive amount of high strength pesticide which I sprayed entire cans of in my room, sprayed on my bedding and directly onto my skin at numerous points.

        • Aye up Two.
          The missus was diagnosed as coeliac about 15 yrs ago, and it was a bit scary to say the least. She’s only about 9 stone now, but at the time she started to lose weight alarmingly, and suffer from stomach pain, nausea, and the runs. Our GP told me on the quiet that she feared the missus had cancer, and sent her for a load of tests. Mercifully it turned out that she’d developed a high degree of gluten intolerance, and once you know that and avoid gluten, you’re fine. Nobody has ever been able to explain why this happened when it did. I’m just happy that she’s well.

          • I’m glad she’s okay. I think mine was an extreme case due to the environmental factors so it just came on all of a sudden.

            It sucks because all I used to drink was wheat beer like Hoegaarden, Franziskaner, Erdinger etc and sometimes polish lagers like Zywiec and Tyskie. Now all that is off limits.

            Gluten free lager is dogwank.

  5. Staying with a group at simple sweet little accommodation, the ma’am set out a generous basic breakfast of bacon eggs toast jam coffee etc; and the soy boy says, “bring out the soy milk”. Attention seeking crybaby Woofter

  6. I don’t mind soy. So long as it’s bean curd fried in lard, served with Lup Cheong and mushrooms in a duck fat, stock and wine sauce. But soy juice blechh! Could kill a brown dog.

    • Soy sauce is a must-have for diappointing meat dishes, IMO. Tasteless sausages respond well to the fluid, as does spaghetti bolognese. Never without it. Mind you some soy sauce (Amoy) is purely shit, while some (Kikkoman) is the real McSoy.

      Soy milk – bleccch. One try was more than enough.

      • I’m fond of Pearl river bridge mushroom superior soy sauce, even though it’s probably full of Pearl river toxic waste.

      • Kikkoman is the dog’s bollocks. But if you’re Chinese, you probably suck them like humbugs.

        Lea & Perrins excellent, but it upsets sensitives, as it’s got rotting anchovies in it. So it really doesn’t smell like Lucarse’s goose parts.

  7. British Standard Tea – Milk, 2 sugars
    British Standard Coffee – Milk, 2 sugars

    Soy milk ? – Get bent

  8. I don’t drink milk at all. Both tea and coffee are without sugar and are black (is that waycist??), but if I were to partake in a bowl of cereal, then soy milk would not be my stop, it would be Jersey cow gold top all the way.

    Soy also reduces testosterone levels – which does explain a lot when you see the Soy-Boy, neck-beard types quaffing their triple, half-cafe (is that waycist??), soy-light lattes!

    The West hates men, especially alpha white men, so western society is doing it’s utmost to suppress alphas into cucked betas, and soy is yet another emasculating vehicle to do this.


    P.S. Off-topic: Is this a technical advancement or just another means for illegal cunts and/or their illegal wares to enter our green and pleasant land?


  9. Good God Admin, I don’t know where you manage to find some of the photos that go with the noms. This cheeky chappy looks as though he could do some serious damage in about 20 years time.
    ps. Apologies if this photo has been pulled from an Admin family album.

  10. Whoever invented it should have thrown the secret recipe down the nearest well.
    Then killed themselves.
    Fuck that.

  11. On the odd occasion, we would have the parents of babies on the ward asking if we had soy milk in our baby milk stocks. Bear in mind that they didn’t want soy milk because their child had a milk allergy, but just because they wanted to feed them soy milk.

    I felt like saying to them ‘”This is the NHS you know, not fucking ‘Starbucks.’ ”

    Stupid, hippy cunts.

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