Film Credits

Film Credits
A megadump of hippo manure for those never-ending credits at the end of films nowadays. Best grip, dubbing mixer, whatever the hell they are, plus hair stylists, assistant hair stylists, caterers, drivers, electricians, dialect coaches etc. All followed by every copyright detail for any piece of music that has appeared. These lists can go on for 20 minutes. The credits for “Iron Man 3” included more than 3,700 names plus 24 special-effects companies.

I recently saw quite a good film called “Arctic” which had three actors – one of whom was dead and the other so injured she could only groan. They were stuck in the middle of nowhere and the main actor literally did not utter a sentence – just the occasional curse or cry of pain and despair as he waited to be rescued. The only other “voice” was a polar bear that made a few growls. Yet the list of credits went on and on as if the film had has a cast of thousands.

What´s the point? Is it vanity so these nonentities get a thrill out of seeing their names up there? Is it a way for the producers to skimp on paying them by offering them free advertising in the hope they will pick up clients?

Nominated by Mr Polly

38 thoughts on “Film Credits

  1. TV is going the same way – Line Manager, Accounts Manager, Costume Designer, Makeup Supervisor, Makeup assistants, Boom Operator. Who gives a fuck? It doesn’t make the programmes any better.

  2. I am never around long enough to watch the end-credits roll. As soon as it says “The End” it’s straight down the pub time.

    I think there’s some legal obligation by some actors guild/union whereby every man/woman/object and its dog has to be credited; even those they didn’t actually do very much. But again, I doubt many people in the audience give two shits anyway.

    Just be thankful they don’t do it the other way and show the massive credits list upfront before the fucking film has started!

    That said, I do recall Monty Python’s classic film “The Holy Grail”. Their opening credits included “Moose Choreographer” by Horst Prot III, “Moose Trained to Mix Concrete and sign complicated insurance forms” by Jurgen Wigg; “Assistant Producers” by Earl Llama, Sy Llama and Merle Z. Llama; and “directed” by 40 specially trained Ecuadorian Mountain Llamas

    But these days its all to fucking serious. You’ll probably find Best Boy has been replaced by “Best non gender neutral”; Key Grip will be “A Gentle Hold” and a new role called “Diversity and Inclusion Analyst” will be added just to make sure all the VS boxes have been ticked.

  3. I used to know this horrible little cunt who was a schoolboy apprentice for the West Ham cunts. He told me he was in the film “Green Street” , one of the worst fucking films ever made, playing the part of…….. a West Ham apprentice!
    When I watched the pile of shit I recognised him straight away and, just as he said, his name was on the credits. Cunt!!
    He went on to play for England under 16, 17 and 18. He never played a single game for West Ham and his greatest achievement was playing 3 games for Coventry 4 years ago. He’s now playing for some non league shite but I can’t say who or mention the cunt’s name. He was also up in court for fraud and money laundering but was found not guilty. I don’t know anything about the case but I know he did it, trust me.
    This hasn’t got much to do with the nom but , despite being only 14 when I knew him, he was a cunt then and a cunt now.
    It just makes me feel better. When some cunt stabs him and he bleeds to death in the street I will say “I knew that cunt and he was never going to be an architect.”
    Fingers crossed.

    • When you say you know he did it- was he blekk?
      If so, guilty as charged…….[dons black cap]

  4. The ‘Harvey Weinstein facilitator’ has been replaced with a ‘#Metoo victim counsellor’.

  5. A lot of the films that I watch only have 3 actors who just give the occasional moan and groan too. I always fast forward over the opening credits and the few spoken words.. ” I’ve come to service your boiler,girls” and have shot my bolt long before I need worry about the end credits.
    Put less lube on your hands.Mr.P. and then you too will be able to skip the credits.

    Fuck Off.

    • I wonder if Cliff Richard ever had a best boy on any of his films?……

  6. Speaking of Kevin Spacey I hope you cunts will be watching London Pride on the TV today. Me and Black and White Cunt will be there.
    You can easily spot me…….i’ll be the butchest cunt there.
    B&W will be on end of my dog lead sweating his arse off in his gimp suit.

    • You 2 got tickets off Jason? Even tho b&wc upset him? Good to see! Never bother with film credits but read the ‘treehouse of horror’ ones on simpsons, might look if want to see who did music or whatever

    • I’m gonna be late Freddie… It’s a nightmare getting into the gimp suit you lent me in this weather.
      I’ve got ‘I’m too sexy’ blasting out at this time of the morning… Had to turn it down when some of my ghetto bredren walked past my flat though.
      Got to go and out some Kylie on now.

      • I hope everyone appreciates our modern forward thinking…we’re not stick in our ways like you lot…living in London you can’t help but embrace metropolitan living etc.
        Sadiq Khan will be at pride today… Not because he is Mayor and has to… no because he has solidarity with his lgbtqkfhurnxns_=+ fellow Londoners you see… I wonder if any of his peaceful friends will be there or approve of his action.

      • I told you it was going to be hot so don’t blame the gimp suit on me. Anyway, i’m not going to argue…….. we don’t want these cunts thinking we are a pair of poofs.
        PS Kylie is a bitch!

        • That’s got to be Human Rights violation, at least let B&WC wear more weather friendly arseless chaps and a string vest.

          • Puzzles me that, why do some bandits (sorry Jason!) Like them string vests? Whats so sexy about them? Sort of thing stan ogden or rab c nesbitt wore.

  7. There is an actor in every fucking movie ever made, and I swear I can’t recal ever seeing the cunt.! “Castin Order “….any fucker else seen him ?

  8. This has given me a great business idea. Host a central website where filmmakers can publish a list of credits for their films, instead of rolling these at the end of every film.

    Will save ££££ or $$$$ in screening time and save boring the fuck out of the viewer. At the end of each film, the words “credits can be found at Maskinback’” or similar bollocks.

    It’s my idea, so thieving hands off, cunters!

  9. James Bond credits are a cunt. They go on forever and are at the beginning of the film. They usually go with pretentious animations and a tedious, predictable song.

    The credits on soap opera Crossroads were a cunt ( remember that shite soap opera, it was shit). The credits used to fly by at an alarming speed left to right, right to left, top to bottom, bottom to top producing dizziness, migraines and vomiting (even when I was only 7 years old).

    Fuck off.

  10. John McCririck‘s gravediggers are hoping the ground will be good to soft.
    It’s also rumoured that the Skids will be playing at his Funeral.

    I’ll get me coat.

    • Good job we don’t have to have closing credits when we die – displayed at our funeral on some big screen. McCriricks closing credits would be quite entertaining. No doubt he would have had a political incorrectness co-ordinator and a facial hair stylist.

  11. Don’t have a problem. At home we record everything we watch, editing out or skipping adverts and end credits etc. Must be 40 years + since I wasted time sitting through a film’s end credits at the cinema.

    • Used to like the pink panther credits as a kid, closeau chasing pink panther, but nowadays itd be classed as police oppression of a gay icon or some shite.

      • You’ve reminded me – Happy Bumbuggery day, my fellow cunters.

    • Why did you do that Mr Puff? Were you getting a blow job? Had the lights gone up, or didn’t you care?

      • Why did I do what Freddie? Sit through some end credits 40 years+ ago? Not sure. I reckon the film was ‘The American Friend’ starring Dennis Hopper. Tom Ripley was a great role model for me. Sadly no blow-job. I was probably on mushrooms at the time.

  12. Don’t know if you remember the videotechs in the 80’s.
    I remember renting an amazingly shit film on the merit of the cover, 2 guys return from space, humankind is dead, (strangely enough the two characters were not on first name terms despite their 3 year space mission) .
    when the film ground to the end I was intrigued to see no less than 6 people on the credits, its seemed to be a family production, and it was shit

  13. In the day of the internet credits are a waste of reel and time.

    If I like a particularly hot actress then I look it up on the interweb for any nude scenes they have done, obviously as most actresses start out as wannabes then they quite happily get their tits out early on in their career to become a star. That must be what they mean by #metoo.

  14. Have been to the cinema only once in Japan. Deathly silence throughout, cinema goers sat patiently through all credits and then applause at the very end.

    Quite strange but that is the extremely respectful people’s of Japan.

  15. A bang on cunting. it’s a fucking joke that everybody from the manicurist to the tea lady gets on the credits. The end sequence to ‘LOTR; Return of the King’ go on longer than the fucking film. Does anybody know what a ‘best boy’ and a ‘key grip’ do anyway? Does anybody care?

  16. It does seem most of the credits are devoted to visual effects bods, many slaving away in Seoul or Pasadena. It all seems to have little impact on the actual quality of the film though. Tens of thousands of man-hours and millions of dollars spent on childish ephemera.

  17. I always like to look to see who drives the honeywagon as they often have weird names. Saw some cunt once called ‘Max Manlove’ – what a fucking legend is all I can say.

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