1990’s One Hit Wonders

1990s ‘One-Hit Wonders’ are absolute cunts.

Inspired by a mini-thread on a recent cunting, I quickly realised during that discussion just how much utter fucking detritus was passed off as ‘music’ in the decade which cunting forgot.

It is apparent how the roots of today’s manufactured dross, over-sampled sterile bollocks, synthetic musicianship and low-IQ lyrics can be traced back to the 1990s. What is worse is how many arseholes online (go to any YouTube video and the associated comments have to be read thrice to be believed) are wistfully recalling these ‘songs’ through the rose-cunted spectacles of nostalgia as ‘real music’. I guess that’s a pretty fucking damning indictment on today’s liquid shite.

Whilst there were a handful of decent 90s guitar bands on both sides of the pond – post-Cobain and post-Factory Records – Euro dance and childish puke stole the show, and the few credible artists standing were buried in its flow.

So, consider a smorgasbord of cunt-hit wonders for your troubled memories to feast upon, yer bastards:

Whigfield – Saturday Night
Eye-gougingly infuriating Euro-fuckery which DJs at the time played until the CD plastic warped, and ear-marked the mid-90s years as sheer aural hell.

Freak Power – Turn On, Tune In & Cop Out
One of many ‘90s OHW which owed thanks to publicised jeans and fashion brand adverts. The song itself wasn’t so much bad as badly overplayed. The accompanying advert from memory featured an Uma Thurman tranny lookalike fucking around in the back of a taxi, while the bald driver struggled to drive with a raging hard-on. Or something like that.

David Gray – Babylon
“But this wasn’t the 90s!l” Actually, it was. Wobbly-headed cunt Gray tried releasing this in 1999 but for once, the music-buying public turned up its collective nose at this tinpot troubadour’s ode to stalking unsuspecting women on the streets of London. For whatever reason though, it sold by the boatload upon the 2000 re-release and criminally raised Gray from his rightful place as shitheel busker to household name.

Babylon Zoo – Spaceman
I had, by miracle of miracles, managed to purge this shite from my memory until an esteemed cunter brought the hideous memory back to the fore. Another Levi’s adopted abomination, the original song was actually a droning, tortured indie-inspired bag of wank, sped up to dance tier beats-per-minute for the advert. I seem to recall the lead singer got pissed off at people loving the distorted version over the original, and through successive interview wankery, became, quite rightly, a figure of ridicule.

Cornershop – Brimful of Asha
Brimful of fucking sileage, more like. Some arsehole crooning about an Asian film star, with extra added Norman Cook bollocks, seemed to find its way to the top of the charts for what felt like an eternity. Was followed at no. 1 by another abomination, that fucking Run-DMC vs. Jason breakdancing goatfuck of a record.

Scatman John – I’m The Scatman
Thankfully released in a more innocent age when ‘scatting’ was recognised rap-talking jazz vocalisation, and not mere depravity pioneered by Japanese sickos, this stuttering old cunt managed to capture the imagination with his nonsensical, machine gun gibberish. Probably the one fucker on this list who I don’t begrudge getting some measure of fame due to his legit disability. Lived life to the full post-fame before eventually scatting himself to death.

The Doop Song
This genuine low-point of musical history was 100% cunt. Nothing more to be said before slamming the morgue door shut on this one.

Crash Test Dummies – Mmm
A song so fucking stupid and lyrically bereft that I actually feel my IQ reducing whenever I hear it.

OMC – How Bizarre
People from New Zealand should stick to fucking sheep and playing rugby. This ballad about three kiwis driving their Chevy into a literal orgy of circus clowns and news reporter should never have broken international quarantine. The lead singer is dead now, so there is at least some justice.

Deep Blue Something – Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Between this tawdry fucking effort and the truly never-ending Galaxy chocolate advert, the Audrey Hepburn classic film has been ruined permanently for me. I remember travelling back home from visiting relatives on a four-hour coach journey with a migraine, and then this shit came on the radio. Needless to say, I threw up.

As I write this nomination, I realise the list is truly endless. The 90s was the ultimate decade for every two-bob chancer to have 5 minutes in the spotlight. For once lads, I’ve cunted off far more than I can chew with this one.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

88 thoughts on “1990’s One Hit Wonders

  1. Truly can’t believe I missed Cotton Eye Joe off this list. Holy mother of cunt.

  2. A good cunting; although I must admit I really quite enjoyed 90s music, especially indie, garage, trance, house stuff that mainstream media never wanted to be bothered with – far too “out there” for those cunts.

    But with like most any decade, there will be plenty of one or two-hit cunts that will have had their 15 minutes, and then disappear again other than appearing on “The Greatest Dance Music of 199x…” compilation albums; or reforming again after 20 years and doing the “if-all-else-fails” social club circuit.

    But you have dug out some great examples – some of which I thought were pretty radical back in the day; but now sound so fucking dated! And as for that Whigfield screeching hag – fucking hell she gives me a headache even now just thinking about that godawful song and the whole happy-clappy Euro-dance shite!

    • Ha, the real reason for this was that I wasn’t going to suffer alone!

      I refuse to be the only man alive tortured by Cartoonz’ Witch Doctor, or that horrific late 90s ‘Sex on the Beach’….

      • Good cunting that! Forgotten most of them, your right some right shite, but wasnt as bad as what was to follow!

        • The Law of Diminishing Returns – every decade seems to be getting steadily worse, and not only with music (but that’s for a different thread).

          The 2000s decade (the noughties?), was pisspoor beyond belief; and as for this decade (the teenies?) – just pass me the sick bag!

          So the way we’re going on come the 2030s decade music will be officially dead (and I hope I’ll be dead way before then!)

          • I agree that the noughties was musically worse than the nineties, and that’s not me associating my own fortunes of the time with each decade’s output; i had a lot more fun in the noughties than nineties.

            Still, the nineties was on a par with the eighties in shit music produced.

  3. Great cunting, but ‘Hey Macerena’ would be riding high in my chosen list of 90’s musical offal.

    Two old cadavers in Mr Byrite suits, singing some disco-fired Spanish muck like two old holidaying farts on the karaoke after a surfeit of sun, sangria and sanatogen.

    A veritable fuck-fest from a pair of irritating cunts.

    • Fuck me, it’s like a pandora’s box o’shite!

      I remember the Summer that fucking garbage came out. Every cunt telling each other to ‘do the Macarena’.

      Both song and video have aged like a four-year old bottle of unpasteurised milk.

  4. What irritates me more about the Old Spice Girls is this utter fucking garbage association with feminism and ‘girl power’. They were nothing to do with any such lofty notions: just 5 fame hungry trollops who had never met and would do anything for money, put together by the now ubiquitous auto-tuned pop factory moguls and only then had their schtick of girl power tacked on.

    The only legacy these saccharine cunts left was that of manufactured bands becoming the norm for pop music rather than the exception.

    • Simon cowbell got his start in cuntdom by managing the spicecunts nuff said

  5. I remember one that had some Dar Key woman bellowing about “Ride on time” or something. I was on a tractor leading silage and it seemed to be on every fucking 5 minutes. I was driving very close to another tractor which was loading me as we drove along…suddenly that fucking song came on again,and in a fit of temper,I screamed “FUCK” and spun around in my seat to get to the radio which was mounted on the wheel-arch in the cab. Unfortunately,as I whipped around, I blipped the foot-throttle and slightly caught the steering-wheel….I crashed into the other tractor.
    I had to endure stick for years about how I’d managed to run into the only obstacle in a 50 acre field.

    Fuck Off.

    • Not meaning to laugh at your misfortune, chap…!

      Another fucking behemoth of cunt. The ear-shredding vocal led many to insanity.

    • I think the fucking song managed to rhyme “Cancer” with “Dancer”….”I’m as serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer”
      My fucking fists are clenching even now at the fucking memory.

      • You should have sued the cunt who stuck the radio in your cab and had it tuned to such a crap station.

      • Ah, you’re thinking of two different ‘songs’, Dick. The tractor-crashing song is ‘Ride on Time’ by Black Box and t’other is ‘Rhythm is a Dancer’ by Snap.

        Fuck, I hate myself for knowing that.

        • You’re right….now I’ve got some diabolical mashup of the pair of them stuck in my head….I’ll have to have a listen to that fucking “Agado,agado” song to shift it. That’s how desperate I am.

      • Ah yes, squire, that would be Rhythm Is A Dancer by Snap. “I’m as serious as cancer, when I say rhythm is a dancer….”

        My particular nomination for biggest load of bollocks would be The One And Only by Chesney Hawkes. An anagram of his name is H WANKS CHEESEY, by the way.

    • I remember that ugly cunt Black Box got to mime ‘Ride On Time’… The vocals were done by M People’s Heather Small (after Loleta Holloway threw her toys out of the pram and vetoed any sampling of her screeching)… Small was brought in to do the vocal, but they got a thing that looked like Mario Ballotelli in drag to pose as the lead singer… Always baffled me did that…

  6. Oh and don’t forget Celine Dion and that Titanic shitfest “My Fart Will Go On!” in 1997 I think.

    Every fucking radio station played that to death and back. No wonder Princess Diana’s driver topped himself and killed them all :he probably had that cunt playing on the car radio!

  7. Who can forget Chesney Hawkes. That song couldn’t have had a more appropriate title because it was his One & Only hit!!

  8. Whigfield was absolute filth, she had something about her…… Like a non existent gag reflex.

    By the way, you forgot the Mr Blobby song.

    • Aye, and I also forgot Lou Bega – Mambo no. 5. That cunt should have been force-fed his own Fedora.

      • Thanks for helping me remember another shite song from the 90’s mambo no 5 is fucking aids plus cancer already got the chorus repeating in my head and i Haven’t even heard the song in years just like I said musical cancer it spreads and contaminates i’ll be in my room smoking hash playing video games listening to good music trying to forget about the cunt music that ruined my life

    • I ironically like the song mostly cause it was a critique of vapid vanity culture and drew the ire of mattel toys and the female vocalist of the band was very doable or maybe i’m too stoned to care

  9. 90’s music was a cunt not just the one hit wonders but almost all music in general no wonder I spent my youth hopelessly depressed Not to mention my brother torturing me with rap music he listened to, you name the rapper he tortured me with it . By the time I was 18 I became disillusioned with any chance of success and I just committed my self to just doings drugs and smoking as much pot as possible because of the fucked up people and shit music I was surrounded with the 1990’s was a kick in the bloody shit filled cunt

  10. Agree, almost totally – But there were (admittedly very few) exceptions – Go back and rediscover the WiLDHEARTS if you want pure, homegrown musical genius from the 1990s.

    R2 run Sounds of the 70s and Sounds of the 80s – They’ll struggle like fuck to find enough broadcastable “music” from the 90s, 2000s or 2010s.

  11. No, no no. I’m not having you cunts taking the piss out of Whigfield. That’s my wife (to be) I will have you know.

    Morning gents.

  12. Fucking hell what about that abomination ‘Saturday Night’ by that Greta Thornberg lookalike Whigfield.

    Jesus.

    And the fucking dance that went with it.

    Fuck me, I was once in what was the local back in the day and Friday night there was a DJ, he always played that shit and without fail the same cunts got up and did ‘all the moves’.

    Hopefully they’re all dead now

  13. One of THE worst was that load of repetitive WANK from that saccharin abomination “The Lion King”, sung by the aging Juncker euro-fellator, Elton fucking John and the WORST dirge of the century “A whole new world”.
    We were on holiday in Holland when this abomination was in the charts. They had this fucking atrocity in the background on a CONTINUOUS LOOP, driving us to distraction. Took over an hour to get the cunts in charge to turn it off.
    My nomination for the WORST is therefore “A whole New World” for its sheer annoying cuntritude although this could apply to virtually all Disney shite.

  14. Brimful of Asha….oh yes. Quite apart from overthinking it, and wondering if it had something to do with Assyria (Ashur), I never did discover what, if anything, it was about. A toxic, irritating earworm, played night and day on the radio, and apparently completely meaningless and unnecessary.

    90’s trance, in conjunction with THC products and selected fungi, was quite tolerable, though. Still listen to it occasionally, notably Nick Warren.

    • The Fatboy Slim remix was naturally shite, like all his fucking tracks. But check out the original version, it’s actually very good. More of a mellow raga-rock than the bigbeat trash Norman Cook turned it into to.

      • I’m afraid it was the original I was thinking of, on checking. Long, repetitive, meaningless lyrics, tired chord sequence, etc…sorry.

  15. How about No Limit by 2 Unlimited?

    The tune was quite good but the lyrics were totally inane and infuriating –
    “Lemme hear ya say yeah (wow)
    Lemme hear ya say yeah (wow)
    No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no there’s no limit”
    It was hardly Wordsworth.

    But the girl was gorgeous and totally shaggable.

  16. Yes the old Spice girls tween-boppers turned into slappers and have produced tweenies of their own. I known a mother of teenager girls who had a poster of Fice and Blue on her wall.

    Slag.

  17. I think you can find worse by going back another decade! Joe Dolce’s ‘Shaddap You Face’ – sung by some fucking Aussie hobo. The fact that it sold 6 million copies worldwide at least let’s us know that there are 6 million more cunts in the world than the original estimation.

    • You utter bastard…. You’ve just dug up and reanimated a rotting, scabrous, sonic corpse O hoped I’d never be reminded of, ever.

      Whatsa matter you,
      got a dose of clap,
      No I cant forget,
      Joe Dolce’s piece of crap…

      It’s a fuckin’ pain
      Da song by that runt
      It’s now ringing in my brain
      You utter, Utter CUNT……..

      GRRRRRRRRR!!!!

  18. Why anyone would choose to torture themselves listening such dross in the first place is beyond me.

  19. This shit started in earnest in the 80s

    I remember being on holiday in Minorca on the 10th floor at 3am, when this small nuclear reactor had all of its fucking control rods withdrawn allowi g it to power an aircraft carrier sized 25 megaton amplifier.

    The circular concrete outdoor disco dancefloor acting as a perfect reflector as the strains of the abomination of the decade were beamed into space toward Barnard’s Star.

    Our fucking bedroom was in the direct path of the signal to the stars, that Earth was populated by primitive, easily pleased cunts, as the sounds of the BIRDY SONG arced toward the heavens.

    I can only assume that the lack of contact is that Earth has been quarantined by the Outer Galactic Arm Borough Council.

    • We would have been invaded decades ago if the Birdy Song had not kept the ninelegged purple spidercunts at bay. A shame, as a race capable of traversing the galaxy might perhaps have run things rather better.

      • Don’t forget the Giant mutant Star-goat that’s due to eat the sun.

  20. David Gray had 3 number 1 albums, 5 Top 10 albums and 9 Top 40 singles. Not exactly a ‘one hit wonder’

    Whigfield – 5 Top 40 singles
    Babylon Zoo – 3 Top 40 Singles
    Scatman John – 2 Top 10 Singles
    Crash Test Dummies – 3 Top 40 Singles
    Deep Blue Something – 2 Top 40 Singles

    Some cunt doesn’t know what a ‘one hit wonder is; The cunt.

    • But could most people on the planet name Babylon Zoo’s other top 40 singles?

      David Gray I’ll grant you, but I think most people would understand that having an overplayed no.1 and two other singles that got to 24 and 37 still make the band a one hit wonder.

      It seems like some cunt is upset that perhaps his fave music is being cunted; the cunt.

  21. I might have to cunt this cunting due to the fact that I started thinking about some of the OHW shite that was played to death on the radio during this decade.

    The vague recollection of some white ‘wannabe black’ rapping turd droning on and on far too quickly for anyone to make out what it was saying. You know that nagging feeling you get when you can’t quite remember something and you know it’ll bug you like crazy until you do fully remember? That was me up until about 2 minutes ago.

    I finally remembered with some help from the interweb. 1992 saw the tragically shite song Informer by Snow. Remember this pile of cak?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3U2NNv8VcE

    Some twat actually took the time to decipher the lyrics (if you can call them lyrics). Here’s a sample of the main ‘hook’. Can you believe this shit?

    Informer you no say daddy me snow me I’ll go blame
    A licky boom boom down

  22. I really hate pearl jam they are another band that ruined the 90’s for me eddie veder is a complete cunt an i could hardly ever understand a word he sang ‘evenflow soggy shit like butterflies’ Also pearl jam never made me laugh you know who did make me laugh https://youtu.be/ZyhrYis509A that sexy Swedish bitch also gave me the horn

  23. Eet’s my life, tek it o’ leeve eet….let’s not forget this fucking belter by Dr. Alban that ended up on all the fuckin tampax adverts. Bet the cunt was delighted his song will forever be associated with birds on the fucking blob.

  24. I’m pleased to say that I stopped listening to contemporary pop after 1985. It all went crap after that. Late 80’s onwards is shite.

  25. Wobbly headed cunt has to be the best description I’ve ever read……brilliant. I must say Skindeep Khant springs to mind when I think of it, but that cunt ain’t had a hit….Even in the 90’s.

  26. The cunting Rembrandts with that fucking Friends theme… A piss poor Monkees impression…

    Mark Snow’s technoed up X-Files theme… Great show, but t always thought the theme tune was shite…

    Talking of which, Gillian Anderson’s dance bollocks record with some cunts called HAL was also a load of crap (fit as fuck in the video, mind)….

    Catatoina… Not one hit wonders (in case the not one hit wonder police are watching), but horrible cunts with a ‘singer’ with a voice that makes Yoko Fucking Ono sound like Julie London…

    Baby D with Let Me Be Your Fantasy… Der-chick-a-der dogdirt that kept The Stone Roses’ mighty Love Spreads off the top spot…

    Doop By Doop…. Cod 1920s shite mixed with crappy dance beats…

    Some cunt I can’t remember with Mambo No. 5… A little bit of Rita, I’m a cunt! A little bit of Tina, I’m a cunt etc…

    And although not a one hit wonder, Right Said Fred with I’m Too Sexy and Deeply Dippy…

    Oh, and some cunts called The ‘Threetles’ who released some Oasis on valium dirge called Free As A Bird…

    I wanted to shag that singer from Ace Of Base back in the 90s though….

  27. An 80s one hit wonder, but does anyone remember those mulleted eurocunts who squawked ‘Life! Na-na-na-na-na!’?… They were Krauts or something else just as horrendous…

    • I remember that “ life is life na na na nana”. Utter shite.

  28. Excellent cunting.

    The ’90’s were full of piss poor top-of-the-chart singles by one-hit-wonders and other more famous bands.

    Other ‘hits’ that usually made me feel like filling my ears with cement so I wouldn’t have to listen to their execrable din ever again include:

    ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ by D:Ream, made all the worse by New Labour adopting it as their anthem during the ’97 GE and since made even more sickening with the knowledge that it was partly performed by former D:Ream band member ‘Prof’ Brain Cox.

    ‘Blue’, with it’s ‘I’m blue da ba dee da ba da ba da ba dee…..’, annoying bollocks. Fuck knows who sang it, who fucking cares.

    Timmy Mallett with the ‘Itsy Bitzy Teeny Weeny’ shite

    the Outhere Brothers with ‘Boom Boom’ and ‘Don’t Stop’, OK not strictly one-hit but painful to listen to shite make no mistake.

    ‘Ooh, Aah, Just A Little Bit’ sung by I forget who by, some interchangeable dolly bird I guess.

    ‘Young At Heart’ by The Bluebell’s, couldn’t stand that bloody grating violin part, the cunts

    Do The Bartman by ‘The Simpsons’, for fucks sake!

    ‘Sweat’ Inside Circle

    ‘Mr Loverman’ by Shabba Wanks

    Achy Breaky Heart by Bill Ray Cyrus the Virus – Big selling country artist but one-hit in the UK

    ‘Heartbeat’ by the singing sensation that was Nick Berry

    ‘Sesame’s Treet’ by ‘Smart E’s’………the horror, the horror.

    Absolute shite the lot of it.

    • Apparently Creepo Jacko was involved with the ‘Bart Simpson’ single… Maybe he wrote the words ‘I didn’t do it! Nobody saw me do it! etc….

  29. Totally agree with the cunting but the 90’s was a great decade for house music, we took it to the septics with some awesome homegrown stuff. Not everyones cuppa i know but i avoided all the dross mentioned above by turning off the telly and radio and just listened to tapes.

    • I loved House and early Garage. All-night illegal raves at some far flung warehouse and just dancing like twats until 7 in the morning!

      I think it was 808:State and their rather throbbing “Pacific State”, that got me hooked into that shite (and had to be a better alternative to some of the mainstream wank from the early to mid 90s; and then of course Britpop came along like a giant floating turd)

  30. Can’t believe no ones not mentioned “I’m blue” by those fruity German/dutch eurofags (can’t remember name and don’t want to) and “sweet like chocolate” by (had to look it up) shanks and Bigfoot. One of the first load of pricks to start the whole garage genre, with such classics as the casualty song by oxide and neutrino and 21 seconds by so solid crew. Absolute explosive silage

    • Ahhhhhhh fucking speed garage that shit deserves a cunting all on it’s own along with “funky” and “handbag” house.Load of cunt.

      • I believe you are talking about effiel 65 and they weren’t german they were Italian . The song i’m blue has some interesting rumors about its lyrics apparently the keyboardist was depressed in Scotland Aberdeen an while on tour an felt like offing himself
        ‘i’m blue Aberdeen i will die Aberdeen i will die’ i’ve never been to Aberdeen but after hearing about this possible interpretation of the lyrics and having depression myself i don’t plan on going I hated the song when it came out but its grown on me over time

        • I heard another rumour was the lyrics were from a closet gay who sings his girlfriend doesn’t satisfy him so he’s blue and in need of a guy…. germans, itai’s, I’m sure they all love a good bumming

  31. And far from a one hit wonder, but the Satan’s Fart that was ‘Everything I Do I Do It For You’ by Bryan Adams and the glossy turd that was ‘I Would Do Anything For Cunt (But I Won’t Do That)’ by Meatloaf…

    U2’s oddball single ‘The Fly’ knocked ‘Everything I Do’ off the top spot after a fucking eternity… Even Bonio and the boys were preferable to that shite…

  32. Can’t remember any ‘hits’ from the films, but anything to do with the pile of turd that was Austin Powers (Myers is a spectacular cunt)….

    And Mike Flowers Pops… Nearly as excruciating as the Gallagher Cunts ‘original’ (the ‘Wonderwall’ title nicked off George Harrison)…

    • I actually liked the mike flowers version of wonderwall it was better then the oasis one in every way

  33. That gurn-bang shite with that spaz shouting ‘Lager! Lager! Lager!’
    The FHM/Loaded/TFI Friday cunt gemeration in ‘musical’ form…

    • I believe you are referring to underworld hit track from trainspotting film norm lager lager lager white thing mega mega she was a beautiful boy with lipstick girl name escapes me but i’ll sure i’ll remember the name of it later

      • Born slippy nuxx that fucking track was on the tip of my tongue while sipping coffee this morning after i remembered the silly lyrics

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