Water

I’m starting to think that water needs a cunting.

First of all, on its own it tastes like pish. In my experience, the only water worth drinking is shower water, first thing in the morning when feeling like death for some unknown reason wholly unconnected to last night’s overindulgence.

My main reason though is that whenever some poor bastard goes missing after a night out, a couple of days later they’re found in water. Rivers, lakes, ponds, you name it they’re there. Get rid of water and you get rid of the problem. Simples.

I would keep the English Channel, however.

Nominated by Betty Swollocks

41 thoughts on “Water

  1. It’s not water that’s the problem it’s the riverbeds and hollows it sits in, the crafty fucker. Get rid of them and it is just wet.

    • It’s not water which kills you it’s the space-time curvature. Damn that space-time curvature.

  2. Ahh yes, the English Channel, or La Manche as the horse-eaters refer to it.

    Try Tonic Water, Betty.

  3. Badly injured or dead people often get found in pools of blood, so I always try and avoid them as well.

    Not as daft as I look.

  4. This cunt of a Home I’m in is full of piss water ! And it fucking stinks !

  5. A long time ago and on a massively drug induced trip, I had a eureka moment where I thought I had figured out that water was God.

    I’ve not posted for a while, maybe I should go back to sleep.

    Goodbye for now.

  6. Excellent nomination. Water is indeed a cunt.
    River water is manky and usually brown, sea water stinks and is full of fish shit and piss and no good for drinking, and ice is a cunt too.
    Antarctica is the biggest desert on earth. It’s FULL of water. In fact it’s pretty much ALL water. …yet it’s a fucking desert.
    What a cunt!

  7. It’s a pity the English Channel isn’t wider.
    1) It would mean the Frogs are further away.
    2) We might be too far away from the rest of the continent to be ‘natural’ EU members.
    3) It would be too difficult for flimsy dinghies full of illegals to navigate.

  8. Up to 60% of the human body is water, let’s not be hasty here, with a bit of thought we could eliminate the portion of the population that had the wrong sort of water inside them, if only there was an easy way to identify which ones had good water and which ones were full of the pish water…..

      • wtf is flubber betty? Is flubber a cocktail of your own making? quite partial to gin myself but I dunno how it replaced the water in your body

        • Flubber is what I affectionately call the flesh coloured blancmange-like substance that sadly covers my once slim frame. It’s probably Brexit’s fault.

          • Oh you mean fat, so you’re a fat girl then. Consider getting a treadmill or eating less Also drink more water….

            It is brexits fault but its also your fault too consume less fatty foods

          • Not really. I’d say average for someone of my years and child bearing.
            But thanks for the advice. I’ll be sure to bear it in mind.

  9. Tap water is recycled piss with a dash of chlorine. Technically water, but technically piss too.

  10. Don’t be too surprised if the English Channel is someday renamed the EU Channel, if only to cement our commitment to all things EU now that the Brexit ship has sailed; along with not wanting to cause any offence to anyone who is not English!

  11. Wake up in the morning and down one to two pints of water…makes a massive difference. If you don’t then you’re a dehydrated cunt… Piss off

  12. Cats that eat wet food don’t need hardly any water as there is enough in the food they eat. Dogs drink water so if there is a drought don’t ban the hosepipe, kill all the dogs. (Or should I have said “introduce them to a better place” in case anyone starts to cry).

    • No one’s gonna cry CnR, mainly on account of the fact even though some people think we ain’t into equality and shit on here the very fact they allow weird cunts that prefers cats to dogs to comment on here is proof of ISAC inclusivenessicity innit blud.

      You’re not alone in your feline fetish

      George Clooney
      Russell Brand
      Bill Clinton
      Lily Allen

      All cat lovers.

      Only people I know hating on Dogs is you and some peaceful type peoples.

        • Hes right CNR, whats up with the dog hate bad childhood experience perhaps? and peacefuls do have a unnatural disgusting hate of dogs

          I also find alot of cat lovers really hate dogs which is kind of weird and maybe just projection or personal preference for pets but interesting nonetheless

          • I don’t think it’s weird to prefer cats. I like dogs too, but cats are easier to look after. They wash themselves, amuse themselves and can fend for themselves too if necessary, a lot better than a dog can. Making friends with most dogs is easy because they want to be your friend. I always think if you make friends with a cat you’ve achieved something, because they don’t give a shit either way.

      • Oi, I hate dogs too, smelly, horrible furred, barky endlessly enthusiastic, jumpy uppy licky disgusting bastards that shit and piss anywhere. We have two of them, live outdoors only, I won’t let them in the house. I don’t want them if they die I an’t gonna more them if i never see another do again in my life then so much the better

        Cats are great I have three of them, one of them is my best chum, 7 kilos he weighs the big fat fuck that he is, shares my bed most nights unlike Mrs B with whom I seem to have a longstanding disagreement with, she thinks I am a cunt, which is true, I think she is a cunt which is also true so I am not entirely sure what the disagreement is all about.

        At least I have my cats

          • Cats also hate water… the stuck up self licking cunts that they are Also mohammad the prophet liked cats the ol bearded goatshagger had a complex and loving relationship with his cat pretty much sums up my opinion on cats

            Nice try jack but actually dog are leavers and cats are remainers trying to pull a fast one on us eh you cheeky bugger you Also cats are communists and you know who are also communists? thats right the labour party

  13. My favourite subject when it comes to arguing with religious nutters. I always say to them “water is the one essential ingredient for our survival. So if God created us in his own image, then why did he cover 70% of this planet with water that’s completely undrinkable?!” It’s stumps them every time.

  14. Dropped on your head when you were a kid betty? Oh yeah lets just get rid of water its not like we need if for our survival or anything…. but yep lets keep english channel water which is completely undrinkable

    • You beat me to it !

      And, more recently, bottom-feeders have been spotted lurking.

      Ooo-er, Missus !

  15. ‘If there were water
    And no rock
    If there were rock
    And also water
    And water
    A spring
    A pool among the rock
    If there were the sound of water
    only
    Not the cicada
    And dry grass singing
    But sound of water over a rock
    Where the hermit-thrush sings in the
    pine trees
    Drip drop drip drop drop drop drop
    But there is no water.’

  16. Water.

    Fucking wonderful stuff, apart from when it comes uninvited into the house.

    The world would not survive without it.

  17. Drain the English Channel, fill it in and plant mines. Its notoriously difficult to flee a peaceful country in a rubber dinghy across a mine pit. I wonder if the men of fighting age will send the women and children first for once.

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