Ice Cream Vans

Ah, Spring is in the air. Mild, sunny weather, the cheerful chirruping of the birds, the soothing drone of bees. There’s an explosion of colour in the garden, and I’ve spent the afternoon pottering about there. It’s time to collapse onto my sunbed and enjoy a glass of cool wine.

But what’s that? Oh no! Here they come, those cunts on four wheels, awakened from their winter hibernation and cruising around the neighbourhood grinding out those jangling chimes that are guaranteed to remove the wax from your lug holes and set your teeth on edge. Ice cream vans. Or should that be I scream vans?

There’s the cunt that blares out the theme from ‘Dr Zhivago’ every ninety seconds. There’s one who lets rip with ‘you are my fucking sunshine’. There’s another cunt who gives it large with ‘boys and girls come out to play’. Over and over. Every ninety seconds. No sooner has one faded blissfully away into the distance than another twat rolls up. The cocks must operate on a rota.

‘Boys and girls come out to play’? Here’s one boy who’d like to, with a grenade launcher and an AK-47. Ice cream? It would be a fucking case of eat lead, sucker, and peace in our time.

Nominated by Ron Knee

61 thoughts on “Ice Cream Vans

  1. When I was doing my driving test the examiner asked me what do you do when approaching an ice cream van. I said slow down in case there are children about. He said failed I said what he said you park up and buy me a 99 boom boom. Crap I know

    • Love a ice cream van me! Proper british! Memories of getting giddy hearing the chimes (greensleeves) as a kid, also working class occupation, so big fan, also factor in a sweet tooth an being a greedy cunt!

  2. Where I live, the cunts have two different tunes. One for when they have ice cream and one for when they have drugs. You can always tell which is which, because no one runs to get the fucking cold stuff. Cunts.

  3. I bet those van drivers must either be stone deaf and/or totally mental having to put up with those repetitive jingle chimes all day long. I only have to listen to the “Match of the Day” one for more than 30 seconds and I want to do bloody murder on someone!

    Of course it won’t be long before all those old favourite chimes will be banned as they will no doubt offend some cunt! Expect more modern gender-neutral versions or Middle-Eastern-orientated jingles like “Bombing all over the world” or “Thank Allah for Little Girls”

    Fuck it, gimme a 99!

    • Ahhh, brings back memories…
      We used to have an ice cream van parked outside the school gates. All summer long, he would pull up 2 mins before school finished… ‘Vince’s Ice’s”.
      Next to the sliding window, the montage of pictures of all the ice creams & lollies..99, wafer, rocket, mini-milk, orange lolly, king cone..
      the side of the van below the window was banged to fuck…rippled like corregated iron – kids would queue along the side of the van, rubbing coins against the white paintwork.. BANG! ..Vince would lean out of the window and smack a crowbar against the van “stop scratchin’ de paint offa my van, you bleedin-a kids!” … Vince had Italian ancestry, but not the brains to realise that he was damaging his van far more than a few impatient scrotes, scratching the paintwork with 10p peices.
      Vince had little patience for kids…making him the perfect Ice-cream man I suppose.
      Those days are now gone. Today, he would be sued for making vulnerable kids obese, or persecuted and accused of being a pervert paedo, hanging around outside a junior school…
      …happy days 😉

    • Ice cream vans? English? You’re kidding right? They’re ALL owned by the fucking peacefuls. Just like the cunts own all the fucking taxi’s and shops now.

  4. Haven’t seen an ice cream van around my current neck of the woods. A pity as my two year old daughter would probably sell daddy for a whippy cone as is her fondness for them.

    Careful what you wish for as some of those apparently irritating, cuntish things are more anodyne than you appreciate. Watching children enjoy a few minutes of innocent excitement is what makes enduring all the other horseshite in life worthwhile.

  5. Most ice-cream vans are nothing more than motor-driven rats-nests of iniquity and debauchery. The owners are invariably razor-gang crime families pushing drugs,and the operators either illegals or “Thai Holiday”” types.

    Having said that, I’d love to own one. I’d go out on the hottest summer days and park up with the jingle playing. When a good crowd of happy.giggling shiny-faced children had gathered, I’d slide back the window and shout ” Bugger Off,you sponging bastards. Child benefit isn’t paid so that you tubby,lazy spoiled brats can gorge yourselves on ice-cream…..FUCK OFF”. Then I’d slide the window shut and drive off laughing.

    Fuck Off.

  6. Spending many a week in Paisley during the early 80’s, ice cream vans were an institution and with some of them you could actually still buy an ice cream!

    It was mainly fags, bread, tatties and sweets that were the currency in those days, especially on Sundays when only B&Q was open. The queue used to go round the corner!

    They were massive business back then ran by 2nd/3rd generation Italian families. They also didn’t mind getting a bit “Mafioso” when rivals encroached on their patch.

    I remember them fondly. Besides, aren’t they waycist these days??

  7. Peacefuls are moving into the Ice Cream Van trade. I think they like it because it’s cash based and provides endless grooming opportunities.
    Good morning.

    • They were always paedo-mobiles anyway. Ice-cream van and Taxi drivers cause endless headaches for Social Services (in areas of the country where we actually do anything about it, that is).

    • Damn right, those saville wagons are labelled “children watch out” for a fucking good reason.
      They don’t make that much money, why else would a grown man spend the day out of pocket, cruising the streets, offering children sugary treats.
      Makes my piss boil.

    • Morning Jack.

      What do they use as a jingle, the Muslim call to prayer? Peacefuls love disturbing the peace.

    • Morning Jack. You’re dead right about that. I passed a van the other day with one such type looking for customers. What made me squirm was the fact that as I passed, the cunt was having a right good root about up his hooter with his index finger. No doubt he’d have washed his hands before serving his next customer though…

  8. Fuck, shit, bollocks and cunt. I just wrote out a whole long screed about my experiences as an ice cream salesman back in the day and the fucking thing disappeared. No “your comment is awaiting moderation” no the bastard just vanished into thin air. Then I find out that Sir Nigel is not on LBC this morning. Fuck that, i’m going back to bed.
    Fuck off you cunts!

    • Same thing has just happened to me. Unfortunately I can’t go back to bed because I have to do perfunctory family crap today and pretend I’m not a misanthrope for about six hours straight. But after that I’ll be drinking myself straight back to sleep. Whilst I can, before it becomes a crime to drink more than the ‘safe units’ limit of a thimbleful a week.

      • Aaaaah……so, it’s not just me that’s a misanthrope then. I used to wonder what was wrong with me, then it became clear – there is nothing wrong with me. It is everybody else. I really just fucking hate other people.

        My family I can take in small doses, but my wife seems to have about 30,000 family members, and she is obsessed with seeing them regularly. I have become fucking brilliant at making myself scarce and avoiding the cunts.

    • I take the precaution of copying all my comments before posting nowadays.

      Nigel unable to broadcast currently due to election campaign regulations. He’ll be back once the Brexit party has won an historic landslide.

    • Guys;
      For some reason posts occasionally vanish into the ether for some reason unknown to humankind. Think it’s some idiosyncrasy of WordPress.

  9. I love watching lefties buy Mr a Mr Whippy. A product helped to market by Baroness Thatcher.

    • I’ve been watching a few Maggie interviews and speeches recently, quite surprisingly still available on the Globalist Cultural Marxist Indoctrination Instrument officially known as ‘Youtube’. She was the greatest fucking Prime Minister of the 20th century, and sorry Winston but I really mean that.

      Edit – hilariously I was ‘WordOppressed’ whilst trying to post this. No doubt ‘globalist’ set off the dissent alarms in Soros HQ. Ah well, that’s me off Mutte Merkel’s Mohammed-Mas card list.

  10. My girlfriend was chatted up by the real life Mr Softee in her gym in Dudsbury a few months ago. I’m not joking, and neither was he; the jingle-jangle-jewellery flash git likes a bit of dark meat.

    She played him along, as is her won’t, (she’s not averse to a nice thick wallet, and is a bit of a golddigga). Before long he’d asked her out for dinner, and was hinting at taking her on holiday to Barbados. The guy is absolutely loaded, around seventy years old, and a dirty old man into the bargain.

    Lucky for him she declined his generosity.

      • No, knowing the place, I think you got it right first time! Full of fuckin’ snowflake students.

  11. Used to love Ice cream from the he ice cream van and it brings back memories of being a young cunt growing up,i remember the flakes and 99’s, I used to like the apple cider lolly or whatever it was.
    Unfortunately like most old memories it was shite and you actually think it was better than it was… Ice cream so whipped that it’s not even ice cream, shite lollies that probably had horse extract in it and even back in the 80s when I was young it was a rip off then.
    I remember one regular ice cream van man was a 40 a day smoker, greasy type cunt, and he had dirt all over his hands… The old pikey cunt. Ice cream van cunts are like the fairground families… All inbred weird cunts.

  12. I bet these cunts have loads of cash on them in the middle of summer… I’ll get some of my homies to relieve them of their loot in Lahndan.

  13. Nowadays I find the ice cream vans jingles annoying but that wasn’t always the case.
    I used to wash my dads car, cut the fucking grass and do anything else required to have a few pence in my pocket so when I heard that (sweet) music I was off up the road in a flash!! Depending on my finances it was always a 99 but if I was flush “ bunny ears please!” Was the order of the day..
    In the height of summer my dads car must have been the cleanest vehicle on the UKs roads! And his lawn cut within an inch of death! 😂

  14. Whenever we hear that irritating jingle we tell our precious little cherubs that is the sound the vans make to let you know they have sold out of ice cream.

    Unfortunately, now they are 9 & 12, the little cunts are getting wise to that one!

    • Lol! Our next door neighbour tells his kids that it’s the gas man letting people know he’s coming to read their meters!

  15. You’d have thought widespread home freezers would’ve made these abominations redundant, sadly not.

    On a lighter note, check out that outstanding Clint movie Thunderbolt and Lightfoot in which tough guy actors the great George Kennedy and the even greater Geoffrey Lewis are begrudgingly forced to take part time jobs as ice-cream salesmen. It’s hilarious. And with Jeff Bridges rounding out an excellent cast you have to ask : why don’t they make em like this anymore?!!

    PS the original Daisy Duke also appears briefly. Phew!!!

  16. Could I have half an ounce of leb, £50 of ketamine, half a dozen acid trips, £20 of ice, 5 grammes of Charlie, a smidgeon of meth, one hundred Es, and a choc-ice please.,

    • Certainly, Sir!

      That’ll be £1 155, please. I’ve run out of meths and choc-ices. I assume you wanted meths? The Es are 100% MDMA left over from the Luftwaffe, £5 each; and the acid is pure Sandoz Delysid, £10 per 250μg trip on sugar cubes. The Lebby’s not been oiled-off either, it’s fresh off the 9-bar, and a very smooth, clean toke.

      You can have a Feast, Mivvy, Cider Barrel, Fab, Funny Feet or a Zoom (kept in the freezer with the 1960s Delysid) instead of the choc-ice, and I’ve got some isopropanol or diethyl ether instead of the meths, on the house, with the compliments of Mr Softee himself.

      It’s your lucky day, Sir!

  17. There’s a cunt that comes round our way and the chimes are fucking deafening… I haven’t bought anything off an ice cream van since I was a kid… And the cunts that ‘pitch’ in Heaton Park in summer should have striped jumpers and lone ranger masks…. Cunts…

      • Afternoon Miles!

        In the August 2017 “Why Did the KLF Burn a Million Quid?” Liverpool debate, Tom Hodgkinson, an old acquaintance from College, said “Drummond’s Scottish Presbyterian background meant the accumulation of money was literally against his religion”.

        Tom “Fangs” Hodgkinson always was a bit of a plonketeer, and is currently trying to reinvigorate his intentionally smug and complacent journal “The Idler” I hear, but maybe he has a point about The KLF.

        Fond memories of the band!

      • Afternoon Miles!

        In the August 2017 “Why Did the KLF Burn a Million Quid?” Liverpool debate, Tom Hodgkinson, an old acquaintance of mine, said “Drummond’s Scottish Presbyterian background meant the accumulation of money was literally against his religion”.

        Tom “Fangs” Hodgkinson always was a bit of a plonketeer, and is currently trying to reinvigorate his intentionally smug and complacent journal “The Idler” I hear, but maybe he has a point about The KLF.

        Fond memories of the band!

        • Afternoon CS. Something mysterious about them. I was watching the night when they brought the suitcase full of ash to the was it The Turner Prize? Obscene thing to do in the wider moral context. But a radical statement certainly. Mu Mu Land. The use of Tammy. The rap section for once works. A ‘Collective’ they were. Trying to do something different at least.

        • The film that comes to my mind is ‘Assault On Precinct 13’ (1976) where a young girl buys something from an ice cream van and is then given an extra hole in her head by a gang member.

        • Bruno Hat comes to mind Caughtspedding. You know that hoax? Waugh and friends hired a gallery and set it all up with new works by the mysterious Bruno Hat. Like primitive pictures (in the same vein as Tony Hancock’s The Rebel). Anyway a write up in The Times and everone talking about it. Who is this Bruno Hat? They dressed someone up (maybe Waugh) but he wouldn’t speak being that mysterious. But what is interesting to me people started to take them seriously (even people involved in the hoax). Scorsese idea.

          • I think Waugh rather “fell on his quill” with the Bruno Hat hoax. That is a blast from the past, Miles, and thanks!

      • Thanks for reminding me of that. “Justified and Ancient”. Absolutely the best pop song ever. My family know that if that song comes on the radio the volume WILL be whacked right up to 10 and they all have to shut the fuck up!

        • Great song RB. Something ‘churning’ about it I like. I know Tammy got into trouble from Fundamentalists. I suppose the word ‘Justified’ would have concerned them. Justified before God idea? Anyway, she stood her ground. Brave decision considering her background.

        • I’m more of a “3AM Eternal” man myself. Just listening to “Justified and Ancient” as I wasn’t familiar with that end of The White Room album. Meh.

  18. To get poetic-the sound of the ice-cream van as it moves further away into the distance…by stages…futher away…the far distance…then no sound at all.

  19. My wife said to me “what is it with ice cream van names”?

    Mr Whippy, Mr Softee. Why not Mr Hardon or Mr Spunky?

    Would love to buy an ice cream van, turn the volume up full blast and park it outside our local mosque. See how they fucking like it.

    • Just make sure you’re selling stuff that’s been ritually slaughtered and you’ll do a roaring trade Willie.

      • Makes you realise how desperate that religion is if they have to tell people when to come and pray. FIVE TIMES A FUCKING DAY!!!!!!

        How vain and starved for love and attention must their god be to need that. Cunts the lot of them.

        • Five times a day? Sounds like a lot of passing trade for Willie’s ice cream van.

      • Anyone else think the ‘call to prayer’ claptrap is one of the creepiest things you’ve ever heard? I find it quite sinister. Not least because it’s insane…..the message being ‘come on everyone, it’s time to pay homage to our imaginary friend once again……kill whitey kill whitey kill whitey’. Cunts.

  20. Oh yes, ice cream vans can fuck off. Apart from the natural sounds of weather, any noise which permeates my home means two things. One – there’s a cunt about. Two – they need to shut the fuck up. On whose authority are these bastards allowed to deafen neighbourhoods? And don’t start with the whole ‘it’s for the kids’ crap. Doesn’t society pander enough to these parasites already? Buy your fucking frozen treats from a shop like a normal person. Bastard cunting screeching little vermin.

  21. When I lived in the city years ago, hundreds these cunts were out all summer day with there ring a ding vans and carts dreaded when they passed by sometimes woke me from a nap the bastards. They are expensive too, just go get a big tub of ice cream at the store, savea load and make as many cones you want blessed to say I live in the countryside now and not one of these annoying cunts are in sight

  22. Just for once i’d like to see an ice cream van screaming round a bend, blasting out a bit of Slayer or Slipknot.

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