Most people will be familiar with Orwell’s nightmarish dystopian novel 1984, and will recall the horrendous moment when Winston Smith is forced to confront his greatest fear in Room 101.


A couple of days ago I got a taste of Smith’s revulsion when walking in my local park at the onset of twilight. Following the course of the brook, I was suddenly confronted by a line of half a dozen of these verminous, greasy-looking bastards almost under my nose. Within seconds they had scrambled madly off into the undergrowth and disappeared, leaving me to continue along the path with a shudder and a longing for an air rifle.

The demolition of some abandoned school buildings has begun nearby, and I reckon that the disturbance panicked the horrible cunts and forced them to break cover. God knows how many millions of the pestilential fuckers there are in existence, but they’ve been spreading destruction and disease from here to Timbuktu and back for as long as anyone can remember.
Next day I met a friend for coffee, and related the unsavoury experience to him. Lo and behold, I found the undernoted from him in my e-mail later.

I must admit that it’s enormously satisfying to watch these fat cunts get popped. It’s guilt-free hunting. Nice shootin’ guys, and keep up the good work. The more of these bastards that get wasted the better. Death to rat cunts everywhere.

Nominated by Ron Knee

48 thoughts on “Rats

  1. Very regrettably, this handy unit seems no longer to be available. Seems there was a copyright or patent problem, and their webpage is down. This was them –

    Toying with the idea of marrying a Sony EXHAD CCD camera with a a small LCD disply and a lens or two to make a slip-on addition to a rifle scope – same idea.

    Meanwhile will have to stick to pigeons and daylight rats.

  2. Rats and Islamists, I make little distinction… except rats are by default innocents.

    • Absolutely RTC. And like rats, your never more than 6 foot from an Islamist.

      • Fuck me YCD, I do hope you’re wrong about that!

        Islamists are 21st Century carriers of Black Death.

  3. Years ago I had a flush of rats in the old hay shed. An old fella told me that the best way to get rid of them was to catch one in a live trap,carry it and the trap to a spot safely away from the buildings,tip some petrol on it,and set it alight…apparently the screams from it would spook the others and they’d Fuck Off. Now, I’m not soft,but even I drew the line at that one. Ended up poisoning them,but think that I may have inadvertently poisoned a couple to the semi-feral farm cats too.
    Horrible things rats.

    • I had some subterminal rat problems around my chickens (years ago), couldn’t use poison because of the stupid cluckers so I got chemical ali on there arses.
      Firstly DO NOT SNIFF THIS ITS DANGEROUS, I went down the run with a watering can of brick acid and a pint of thin bleach, mixed the two together and tipped it down the holes, the result is chlorine gas,
      never had rats again.

  4. Have always been fond orf rats rather. In me neck orf the woods an ever growing population orf the creatures and do enjoy a chat with the crafty buggers while trying to train me old Purdey on ’em. Bugger is they are orf like a well..rat up a drainpipe so have blasted me wainscot apart over the years.
    In medieval times they were the instrument orf choice for the dedicated torturer. Lock up a cage over the subject’s arse, introduce yer rat, shake him up a touch to induce a spot orf panic and let him dig his way oit. Like a rat up a drainpipe….
    Point is yer rat will always dig his way out by the easiest available route, gap in the panelling, enlarge an old moise hole here or there, teeth built for gnawing do yer see. Hence nice juicy arsehole just the ticket. Hence favourite torture for those orf a sodomite disposition. Needless to mention similar range orf fun for the transgressing filly.

    • What you describe would be the very height of sensual pleasure in the Elton John household I would imagine.

  5. Medical researchers have abandoned experimenting on rats and replaced them with politicians because :
    (1) you get too emotionally attached to rats
    (2) there are now more politicians than rats
    (3) there are some things rats just won’t do

  6. They’ve got a six-week turnaround. Six weeks after being born, they’re giving birth. Of course, they breed vociferously, like Catholics and Müslims.

    Horrible. Dirty, greasy, fecund animals.

  7. Don’t go to Hanoi, Vietnam Ron Knee.

    When I was there briefly in 1996, an evening of the most delicious food imaginable at the Indochine (a top pick of refectories at that time) was regularly interrupted by the scurrying of the largest rodents you ever was on the verandah.

    No ill effects, and memorable menus, but Orwell would certainly have been concerned.

      • Nor go to a certain temple in Bikaner, Ron. Two years after CourtSpedding was in Hanoi, I was mooching around India. After tiring of a monsoon-less summer in Rajasthan, a French girl and I decided to go North to meet the Dalai Lamar up in Daramsala. On our desultory trip (“2 by 2 coach sir, very luxury”) we stopped in Bikaner and visited a Temple dedicated to rats.

        There were about three hundred there that were washed daily, petted, and fed. I couldn’t last very long as they petrify me so we scuttled out for an early curry supper and some French pudding.

        Quite bizarre. As if you need anything to terrify and confuse you more when imbibing Malaria tablets.

        • Bloody Nora thanks for the warning Cap’n. The wife and I are thinking of going to Kerela in the autumn but a friend who’s been there a couple of times reckons that there are lots of the fuckers about there too. Having said that, there appears to be a lot of them everywhere.

        • I managed to give the Indian subcontinent a swerve in my foreign service career, thank Fuck, but I like the sound of the French girl, Cap’n.

          You did, didn’t you?

  8. Excuse the palindrome : “saw”, not “was”. Must be the rats next door.

  9. I have worked on building sites were they are the size of cat. They are not shy now.

  10. Have had the fuckers on my bird tables and in my compost bins. Poison and a .22 discourages the fuckers, much like cats.

  11. In the Great War trenches rats got so fat from feeding off the discarded food and corpses they could barely walk. Soldiers would amuse themselves by skewering them with the bayonet. A pity you can’t do that today with fat useless bastards.
    The Flabbott springs to mind.

    • Plausible, but require some sources. My dad’s dad (whom I spoke to daily till his death in 84) was on the Somme and never mentioned the rats.

      Different trenches, one assumes, but not a widespread experience. Or t’other?

  12. One way to get rid of rats is to have the Wehrmacht besiege your town, village, city – along the lines of Leningrad 1941-2.. I’m sure Herr Merkel and her Bundeswehr will be only too willing to oblige. Mind you those kebabs I had from Abdul’s Tasty Bites last week did have a sewery aroma about them. Never mind, austerity etc ……

  13. Saw a youtube video of a guy who uses a pet mink and dog tagteam to destroy infestations. The mink flushes them out or kills them. Was pretty effective, mink are ruthless sons of bitches.

    • Astonishingly there are loads of ratting videos on YouTube. Some of the ones with dogs are an eye-opener. Rats must be an absolute plague on farms.Terriers and Jack Russells are all over the horrible little cunts though.

  14. In my line of work I see them nearly every day. ( Recycling plant loadall operative ). I even recognize certain rats which have become companions of a sort. The furry fuckers come close and take biscuits out of my hands.
    They are like sharks , misunderstood by the general public, give rats a chance.
    They are god’s creatures like ourselves.

    • Agreed Twatakincuntrubber.

      I am very much an animal lover despite my flippant rat curry post.

      Have murdered several flies in the past, but they always get two prior warnings beforehand.

      Regarding our furry Rattus friends, realise they have more in common than you might think with those in the House of Commons.

      MP’s (like rats) are social animals, and they establish and maintain simple dominance hierarchies through social agonistic behaviour. Such hierarchies generally consist of one dominant individual and several subordinates.

      Agonistic behaviours are strung together into sequences that vary in their intensity and duration. The lowest intensity encounters are chases. As the intensity increases, you may see stand-offs and physical contact like boxing and sidling. These physical encounters may escalate in rare instances into a fight.

      The immediate “goal” of much offensive behaviour is for one MP to deliver a bite to the subordinate rat’s rump, while the “goal” of the defending MP is to prevent such a bite.

      MP’s can produce a variety of audible vocalizations, from soft peeps and squeaks to loud shrieks. Many of the vocalizations, such as peeps and short squeaks and their variants, occur during mild social interactions such as PMQ’s. Most audible squeaks and peeps indicate protest. Long squeaks tend to indicate stronger protest, and hissing occurs during escalated conflict. MP’s shriek to indicate very strong protest.

      How MP’s choose what to eat is a large, well-studied area in animal behaviour. MP’s are omnivores, and can potentially eat just about anything found in the heavily subsidised House of Commons restaurant or bar. It is only in the captive environment that MP’s are fed an abundance of food regularly in the same location as the day before.

      MP’s sleep about 13-15 hours per day. They tend to be active during twilight hours.

      MP’s prefer several types of nest. The London 2nd property tax payer funded pad is the simplest kind of nest.

      MP’s are Nature’s little scavengers — they take what they can get and then high-tail it back to their den. In a home environment, these little opportunists might sneak off with whatever is light enough for them to carry. They are especially inclined to steal items.

      Urine marking — the deposit of small drops or smears of urine on the ground, objects, and other rats — is a form of chemical communication. Usually reserved for those in the House of Lords.

      A major difference however between rats and MP’s, are that rats tend to stick together, look after one another, and have a pack mentality. They also have to work hard in their lives to survive, and possess the intelligence to leave a sinking ship.

        • Just seen arse-bandit Ipswich MP Sandy Martin humiliate himself Willie, failing miserably to hit the target with a pot shot at Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay.

          Needless to say the insignificant Labour arse licker subsequently voted in favour of a 2nd Referendum.

          The motion was defeated by 3 votes, I think.

          • There were only just over 80 in favour of a referendum , so discounting the libs, snp, green, welsh and the traitors, it means around a dozen others voted for the referendum.

          • Correct SOI – the motion in favour of a 2nd Referendum was defeated roundly, 334 against, 85 for.

            Majority 249.

      • Well said Willie. A rat got dropped off today by one of the bin lorries. Poor cunt was injured and scurried under an A frame.
        Our local rats don’t partake to well to strangers on there patch. I imagine by tomorrow morning the locals will have eaten the invader.

  15. The rat population is kept in control by all the cats. That’s because cats are cool cunts, unlike dogs which are fucking useless and all deserve a steel capped boot in the teeth.

  16. My grandad had a chicken coup and under the chicken coup there would inevitably be rats, however the natural deterrent was a dog which was half fox terrier and half fox hound. Jack Russell Terriers also do a good job to keep them down.

    I bet there will be softies, vegans and suchlike that would be appalled about killing rats but they spread disease and have to be kept under control. I read we are never more than 50 feet away from a rat :shudder:

  17. I have a friend who has a chicken farm, I used to shoot rabbits there, also a lot of rats, trouble is an under leaver wh only has one shot, so I got very childish and bought myself a Beretta Storm (30 round semi automatic) nice laser sight, (the rats hang round in mobs there) wad cutter pellets .177 and had many a fun day “raiding sheds” and spreading mayhem amongst the rat population.

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