British Doors

British doors are cunts.
Yeh seriously. Fucking doors.
Just done a three day city break in Berlin. ( did my bit and called that Fourth Reich bint a cunt while I was outside the reichstag) and every single door I used opened and closed perfectly every time.
Back here in Blighty however it’s a different story isn’t it.
They either jam in the frame, scrape on the floor, or the latch refuses to engage because the useless cunt that fitted it was incapable of putting a rectangular panel into a simple frame. The cunting things fuck me right off.

Nominated by Cuntsville

16 thoughts on “British Doors

  1. The krauts may have efficient doors, but they’re fucking useless when it comes to winning wars. I’d much rather have a noisy / Ill fitting portal, and keep my pride intact , safe in the knowledge that if we did start a war we’d have the spine to finish it.
    Germans are a bit like homosexuals, they’re ok but you wouldn’t want one in the family, the boring unfunny teutonic counts.

    • Sorry *CUNTS* this technology really is fucking me off now, it’s probably a German invention as well to make things easier for us.
      But having things easy is not how you build empires, as whimpering cunts found out when they picked an argument with Tommy Atkins and his pals.
      AT THE GOING DOWN OF THE SUN AND IN THE MORNING WE WILL REMEMBER THEM.

  2. I must admit that,moaning old bastard that I am, I’d never noticed the problem with doors. I’ll be on the lookout for it now,mind.
    The only bother I’ve had with a door was one that was too efficient. A stranger collapsed in the pub…dead within a couple of minutes. The landlord decided that we couldn’t just leave him lying in the middle of the bar with people stepping over him,so decided,while we waited for the ambulance, to carry him into the pool-room and lay him down there. Four of us grabbed an arm or leg each and started carrying him out of sight. An old boy who always sat at the end of the bar helpfully held the pool-room door open as we went through. Unfortunately as we had just got through,the old fella let the spring-loaded door go….it closed with all the vigour that it’s (probably German) spring could muster, right on the top of the corpse’s dangling head…..”Well,if he wasn’t dead before,he fucking well is now” was the only comment made by one of the other improvised pall-bearers. Must admit, we all burst out laughing until the landlord told us that we’d probably be accused of crowning the bloke before he was dead. I took the usual Fiddler course of action and Fucked Off,but must admit to spending a disturbed night waiting for the sound of the police attempting to smash my solid-oak,iron-banded front door in.

    Fuck Off.

    • Sounds delicious. Living in central london as a young miscreant my single glazing bedroom window was 50m from a church, 150m from the rails going to london bridge and from milwall fc. Triple glazing would have been a game changer and actually allow me to wake up fresh, ready for a fat zoogen and tea.

  3. Such an apt topic for me at the moment. At the business where I work, we decided to replace a rotting wooden door with a brand new replacement. Simples? Not for Scottish “craftsmen”. The replacement wooden door turns up with an ageing chippy to fit it. Ageing is usually a good sign cos they did an apprenticeship when they meant something. Anyway, he fucks off after hanging the door on an newly crafted frame. Next day, the wood has swollen and the door won’t close. Back again our artisan comes. The door closes, but the mortice latch strikes the wood before the lock plate. So, for a third time, he returns to completely rehang the door and finally finish the job. Although, the contract did say prime the wood and he has only primed the exterior.

    The problem is, in this small community, Jock the Chippy (I will call him) is the salt of the earth. Call him a cunt and the whole village is an enemy. No wonder the Highlands are swamped with Eastern Europeans, a race you can turn to when you need work doing.

    And these cunts want Independence.

  4. And if you think I’m being racist, in the same week we had a new washing machine delivered. Two youngish Scottish guys jumped off the van and set about installing it. After checking for leaks, they pushed into place. One of them turned to me and said “is that cardboard ok there?”. They were going to fuck off leaving a section of the packing material underneath the machine. I kid you not.

  5. Unfortunately the Germans have two things sadly lacking in the UK. Firstly a different work ethic and secondly they are anal about things like precision and improvement.

    The British Car and Motorcycle industries were mainly killed off through poor build standards and lack of investment in development. Nothing to do with fitting a door and from the past you’d think.

    But then if you go into the average new build home the same management ethos is still apparent and the same sloppy workmanship is on display.

    There’s a lot I love about the British but somewhere along the way we lost any pride in our work. British made used to mean quality but that’s long gone.

    • Agree with you there, Sixdog. I might buy a Landrover when production moves away from the UK. The reliability of these “premium” vehicles is a disgrace by modern standards.

    • Indeed, Gdermans and Swiss are bum-scorchingly anal-hot on technology, but…

      My ex left Switzerland in December, and it had taken ages for the lift in her block to be repaired (and not all the flats are rented out, some are owner-occupied).

      Now in a very nice block in Berlin, and…the lift is kaput, and she’s waiting for it to be repaired…
      But I was extremely impressed by the Telekom guy who came round to sort her connections out. He REALLY knew his stuff. So a bit of a mixed bag, there. Like their Frumpenfuhrer, I guess.

  6. British new-build houses are appallingly badly constructed. Daughter’s house has walls made from ticky-tacky – the only way to hang anything on them is with a hardwood batten, to spread the load between several plasterboard fixings. And the windows do not all close properly, the hearing is inadequate, etc, etc.
    I’d rather live in a draughty shed than a new-build.

  7. This reminds me of the (probably apocryphal) story about the desperately out-of-touch 1970s judge in the Family Division of the High Court.

    At a trial where Diana Dors’ name was being bandied about (as an example of a “temptress”, like the respondent in the case), the perplexed old judge finally accepted defeat and enquired:
    “What exactly are Diana Doors [sic]?”

  8. The Swiss and Germans are great when things work according to plan but can´t cope when things go wrong. I was once on a Swissair intercontinental flight and something went wrong with the electrics. Nothing serious thank God. However, the technical crew was unable to fix it and after grudgingly admitting this they went silent while the stewardesses etc. buggered off to their little cubby hold for their six-hour nap before serving up a breakfast – cold of course.

    Compare this cop-out behavior with that of a Brazilian aircrew when the undercarriage was stuck and the plane was diverted to another airport. They told us everything that was going on, including soothing our nerves by announcing we would land in a remote corner far from the other planes and fire engines would be on standby. Even when the plane landed we were crapping ourselves as we thought it might explode. As we were leaving, the crew lined up and gave us all big smiles and wished us a good day. If it had been a German or Swiss plane the crew would probably have parachuted out and left us to our fate.

  9. Is it me or are British people getting fatter and wider whilst front doors seem to be getting narrower?

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