Stupid names

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Back in maaaah day (colliery band plays the theme from the old ‘Hovis’ ad), when men were men an’t lassies were pleased ’bout it, people had PROPER names, like Mary and Jane, Tom or Bill.
But as time went imperceptibly by, an air of affectation crept in. James was no longer ‘Jim’ but ‘Jamie’, Robert was no longer ‘Bob’ but ‘Robbie’. Then it seemed that every chav was naming their female progeny ‘Kylie-Anne’ or ‘Chardonnay’.
Fast forward to the present, and utter naffness is often the rule. I offer two recent examples from my own experience by way of illustration. I was eating out in Edinburgh, and at the next table were a couple of pushy ‘yahoo’ types ( a great show was made over the wine selection) and their precocious brood, who rejoiced in the names of ‘Cosmo’ and (wait for it) ‘Cascade’. On the second occasion, I was in a playpark with my granddaughter when a fat scratter bawled out to her snot-nosed brat ‘c’mere NOW, Cheyenne!’.
Naturally in such matters, you can always depend upon the world of celebrity when it comes to making a tit of yourself. Who would think to call their kid ‘Bay Atlas’? step forward Kirstie Allsopp. How about ‘Rocket Zot’ (Sam Worthington),
‘Kal-El’ (Nick Cage), ‘Pilot Inspektor’ (Jason Lee), and ‘Daisy Boo’, ‘Buddy Bear’ and ‘Petal Blossom Rainbow’ (Jamie Oliver)? Bless.
There’s a lot of this nuttiness about. In dear old Blighty, there are hapless sods condemned to go through life burdened with the names ‘Superman’, ‘Gandalf’, ‘Pochohontas’, ‘z13’ (??) and even ‘Chlomidiya’, would you believe.
Some countries have even taken to banning certain monikers. The US has banned ‘Fish’ and ‘Chips’ (for twins, natch) and ‘Sex Fruit’. New Zealand has forbidden ‘Lucifer’, ‘V8′, ’89’, and ‘Talulah Does The Hula From Hawaii’, while inexplicably allowing ‘Number 16 Bus Shelter’. Some cunts in Denmark even wanted to call their kid ‘Anus’. It takes all sorts.
Is this wankery catching? Go on you tossers, cunt your own sprog by giving it a ludicrous handle so everyone can take the piss, and show the whole world that you’re a cunt yourself while you’re at it.

Must say that ‘Muhammed’ is a pretty cool name though… Most popular boy’s name in Britain in 2017 I gather…

Nominated by Ron Knee

104 thoughts on “Stupid names”

  1. I know of someone called “Hue Man Fantasy”. No bs, verified fact.

    I watched the film Insidious at the weekend, not bad. The kids names in it were Foster and Dalton. Wtaf? They are fucking last names.

    I could go on for a while lol

    • Not been here for a while due to work and holidays and other things, but dip in and out so to speak once in a while to restore my sanity.

      Many moons ago we had a ‘wall of wank’ at work where snippets from the papers, cunt sayings and general shit was pinned, posted or displayed. The bosses hated it. However I remember someone displaying a cutting from the crime and punishment section in the local rag that read ‘local men, Elvis and Prestley Smith of……. Were charged with two counts of….

      Having cunts of parents presumably

    • How doe we get our Red Indian names? Asks little red Indiana lad to his father..

      Well, says father at time of birth, the tribal elder pokes heads out of teepee and names little Indian boy or girl after the first thing he sees, for example

      Running river
      Growling bear
      Soaring eagle
      Swaying grass….

      Oh, ok then says little indian boy, I have another question….

      Oh, not know Two Dogs Shagging, says Dad, you need to run along and play for a while before tea…

    • Until recently I worked in my local hospital. Having to find some cunting manager amongst all the thousands of them that turn up every day, (can’t say worked there obviously) , I walked past the staff nursery, and there on a coat peg was a coat with one of the children’s names on it. I kid you not on my poor old mums life. It was Duane pipe.

  2. I toyed with the idea of changing my first name to “Lord” or “Sir” in the hope that people would hear that “Lord/Sir Dick Fiddler” was on the phone to complain and so would show some good old British deference…Then I realised that all the “Lord/Sir” would do was actually mark me out as either an inbred,braying,thick Homosexual who enjoyed having his arse spanked,or as a slippery,pension-fund stealing,sex-pest.
    Might as well just change it to “That Horrible Old Cunt” and be done with it. It is,after all,the way that most people refer to me anyhow.

    Fuck them.

  3. While I agree wholeheartedly with this cunting, I know my parents named me utterly conventionally so that I wouldn’t get hassled for having an entertaining name as I grew up. Unfortunately there was little they could do about my being built like a rake handle, speccy, covered in spots, borderline autistic, constitutionally scruffy, pompous, argumentative and talking posh. Or indeed the surname, which was seen as incredibly comic.They needn’t have worried about the first names at all.

    • Talking of stupid names

      Metropolitan Police rug muncher Cressida Dick is to marry her new lover. In a statement she said.. “I have decided to take my partner’s surname as I feel it’s only right…Ophelia agrees

  4. George Carlin would be spinning in his grave, if he gave a single fuck that is. Should watch his skit on mens names, much in the same style as this cunting.

    “Fuck Tucker. Tucker sucks.”

    • That Carlin skit is an ace bit of cunting in its own right BCC, as in fact is most of his stuff. Gone but not forgotten.

  5. There used to be a fat tattooed slag round my way with a multi coloured brood……a girl called Mercedes and two boys, Armani and Nike (pronounced Nicky).
    When Mercedes was about 15 she got a bun in the oven and they suddenly disappeared.
    Presumably the Social moved them to a bigger house………, among the peacefuls I imagine.

  6. I remember when that ugly intern-fiddler wankstain Bill(y) Clinton entered the White House with his ugly wife and his even more ugly daughter called Chelsea, loads of make-up caked overweight chav wimmin with orange tans and 60″ wide arses in ballet tights in this country started calling their baby daughters “Chelsea”.

    Now the days of Cunton is over they have to fish around the reality show and gossip rags waters and they come up with things like “Page” with an “i” in the middle. Taylor is another prole favourite.

    Of course, we can point a finger at motherfucker Beckham and his wife for really stupid names. He should never have been called David – he looks like a Charlie to me.

    • Didn’t they call their kid ‘Brooklyn’ as they reckoned Posh got up the duff there? Fucking hell, it’s a good job my folks didn’t go down that line; I’d be called ‘Alum Rock’! (that’s in Brum for all non Brummies; an area now overrun by peaceful types).

      • As an esteemed fellow cunter said before, it’s a shame the Beckwits didn’t conceive in East London – Peckham Beckham would’ve amused me…

      • And after Harper, there should be an Aytill. As in Eight til Late, while she was in one, bending over the meals-for -mongs chiller

  7. Apparently Nokia is a popular name in African parts. Tony Blair as well. You can’t beat a good de’shawndra, taletia, le’trouna, reclaiming their roots apparently. Once knew woman who had italic tramp stamp above lovely arse, it read Destiny. Interesting I said, my daughter’s name she said. Mm, so when current beau is banging you senseless, your daughter’s name is? Weird.

  8. An acquaintance of mine introduced his young child to me. The unfortunate brat was named “Pixie”. I just managed to keep a straight face as the dumpy,tubby kid waddled across… “Pixie”?… “Heffalump” would have been a sight more accurate description.

    White kids called “Ebony” always make me smile, too.

    Fuck Off.

  9. These people know that their children are special, unlike everyone else’s children who aren’t, and need special names so that everybody will know. The latest deluded tosser in the news this week is Tony Bellew. He’s called his Corey, Cobey and Carter. Give him a fucking round of applause.

    • Never heard of the geezer, but he sounds like a right cunt. Should knock the ‘w’ off and add ‘nd’

      • One of the towering intellects of Zanu PF in Zimbabwe was called Hitler Hunzvi. Fine man, partly responsible for clearing out white farmers and starving the country.

  11. Kids with these bizarre names are a reliable indicator of parental cuntishness, and are therefore a useful tool.
    Good afternoon.

  12. A step niece, brightest of the bunch in our family moved to America. Got engaged to yank, came back on rare visit. I like a chat, pleased to meet you, they said your name is Trevin, family name I asked, handed down the generations? No he said, mum gave us all names beginning with T, that was the last she came up with. Shite ain’t it. Fair do’s.

  13. Wanted to call my boy Montgomery after the Field Marshall, wife wouldn’t have it so he is George, my argument when told Monty was an old boys name was that he would grow into it, giving them a stupid babyish name only suits em when they are babies for feck sake they need a name to grow into. Suprised most of the snowflake bunch have not been christened CUNT as that is what they are turning into .

    • I’d have thought that ‘Wanker’ and ‘Tosspot’ would be popular Snowflake monikers as well, Civvy

  14. I first came across this some years ago. Didn’t the otherwise perfectly rational Frank Zappa call his kid Moonchild or something similar?

    It is guaranteed that any kid called Chardonnay, Kyle or Kylie will say amongst the chavs for the whole of their lives.

    By and large, those that give their kids stupid names are total cunts. I was named after a great landscape artist who was a bit of a cunt.

    • If memory serves me CC, I think Zappa called one of his daughters ‘Moon’ and one of his sons ‘Dweezil’, the daft cunt.
      Then I think Bowie called his son ‘Zowie’. The American actress Kim Darby’s actual name was Zerby.
      This nuttiness has certainly been around for a while.

  15. Apparently my dad wanted to name me something really weird. I can’t remember what name it was he wanted but I do know my mother was having none of it on the grounds that I would be bullied by being compared to Zippy from Rainbow. In the end they just named me after my grandfather (on my dad’s side) instead – they could do nothing about my funny surname though, which was one of the many things I was bullied for frequently.

  16. At the IT company I work for there used to be a couple of blokes called “Wayne Kerr” and “Patrick Hunt”

    Fairly traditional names, but clearly their respective parents were either pissed at the time, or really didn’t like their offspring

    • I do believe but don’t quote me there is or was a genuyne manufacturer of electronic gear named Wayne Kerr. There was a builder in Stockton named R. C. Ayres, which I alone found funny. And a garage near York, Dick Pullen. Solicitors in Kiddie, Doolittle and Dalley. Somewhere, somewhere there really is a Sue, Grabbit and Run.

      • Wayne Kerr was a Plc and did used to rent an office in Crawley from one of the shitty companies I used to work for. Always made me smile looking at the lease.

      • They’re still going strong – make instruments including the industry-standard Wayne Kerr Bridge. (fact)

        At the end of Onan Road (fiction)

  17. I remember the 80s when I thought two brats called Blake and Tara had stupid names. Tara goes great with Raboomdeyay. I saw a kid on a checkout whose name tag said Geordan. Cunt mother got her George and Jordan confused. The Niggles have the stupidest names. They’ll put cunt apostrophes where they don’t belong and have portmanteau names. It’s at the point now where two stupid names get merged like Tyler and Beyoncé becoming Tyloncé (I made that one up). That white bloke in America probably did the world a favour in eradicating Trayvon. There’s a fat disabled girl I’m aware of called Willow. The parents are all cunts. Frank Zappa had Dweezil and Moonunit. All black kids should be called C0onunit.

    • Moonunit haha. I thought Zappa was drug and alcohol free. Must just be a headcase or a complete cunt.

      • Far from it Chunky… though no doubt a cunt in some respects. But that’s pretty much par for the course with highly creatives.
        At the time (late 1960s/’70s), as a big Mothers /Zappa fan, I assumed he called his kids nutty names to wind up the ’squares’, and bolster his freak credentials, which of course he did very successfully.
        In private, however, Zappa was a dedicated parent who really cared about his kids. He wrote in his autobiography that although he gave his children unusual names, it was “their last name that would probably get them in trouble.” And contrary to his weirdo image Zappa was pretty conventional when it came to family life. He wrote: “I don’t have any time for social activities… I do, however, have a wonderful wife and four totally unbelievable children, and that, folks, is way better.”
        Either way, the names certainly didn’t prevent his sprog growing up to be grounded and successful human beings in their own right.
        PC, virtue-signalling Celebricunts they are not!

  18. Apologies. Off topic. Private Eye ads in my head. Wedding Dress for sale, never used. Aw. Parachute for sale, slightly soiled. Shuddup tone.

  19. Then there’s Sarah and Sarah. Hello Sarah, as in Sair uh. It’s not Sair uh, it’s Sare uh actually. Oh sorry Sare uh, you pompous cunt. The ex ex knows guy, called himself Aandi. Mm. Millionaire now clever git. Goes to show.

  21. There are some great names that are real and when mentioned brings a smile to my face
    The Irish bloke Dick spring
    Ski jumper A Wank Great when he was shown on the BBC and the person refereded to him as Vaaaaank
    Plus a few that we all know Jenny Taylor,Richard swipe,
    The modern ones are just attention seeking cunts

  22. Alan – I see you too viewed the ‘Most Popular Boys Names’ articles with suspicion. We are told that Oliver was the most popular boys name with circa 6,000 little screaming shitbags being awarded the name. Muhammed weighed in at No. 10 on the list.

    My bullshit detector started quivering at the report so I delved into the raw data. When you allow for the various translations from Arabic Muhammed / Mohammed / Mohammed suddenly popped up as the clear winner with circa 11,000 babies.

    I drew 2 conclusions – 1. I hate being lied to and 2. the Country is truly fucked.

  23. R Soles there was a recent film with Robert Redford Jane Fonda that bombed the the box office. I can imagine it being ethereal and precious with those two in it. Aging together sentimentalism I am sure. Probably premiered at the ‘Sundance Festival’. Anyway, the title: ‘Our Souls At Night’.

  24. The Turks had the right idea with surnames. When Atatürk took the country by the scruff of the neck and sorted it out, he compelled all its citizens to choose a formal surname by which their family would be known (previously this wasn’t the case). He also forbade the use of titles, so there was an added incentive to have an impressive name – enthusiastically adopted by many. Demirel, eg, =’steel hand’ and Recep Tayyip Erdoğan = something like ‘respect pleasant born-warrior’. If I ever change my name by deed poll, it will be to one of these, possibly Karaimamoğlu (son of the black imam) if only to annoy some of you cunts.

  25. I blame that Irish cunt, Bob Geldof for all this stupid naming conventions.

    He started it decades ago naming his kids, Peaches, Pixie and Fifi Trixibelle. I mean for fuck’s sake what was he and Paula Skanks thinking back then?

    • Is Geldof in any way related to that faux-oirish asian cunt Go Flobbed ?

      Wonder if there are any kids called “Magic Mushroom” ?

      Owt wrong with good ole names like Heinrich, Reinhard, and Hermann…

      Was there ever an Onan Dingle in Emmerdale ? I’ve only been ogling Charidee for three years, have no idea who shagged / killed who befor 2015…

  26. Young American Indian boy: “Mommy, how did we get our names?”
    Mother Squaw: “You are all named after the first thing I saw after leaving the tepee when you were born. Your brother Rising Sun and sister Golden Flower are over there so stop pestering me and go and play Brown Dog Shitting”.
    Oldie but goodie.

  28. I’ve just read a report of an incident in Liverpool yesterday. Some yoof has told a homeless veteran to ” have a sparking good night mate ” as he slipped a firework into his pocket, the homeless veteran has suffered a leg injury .
    I do hope the perp is identified and prosecuted. I also hope that some of the local Territorials pay him a visit, the fucking cunt.
    On Sunday we will be remembering the fallen, and rightly so.
    Unfortunately, many homeless people are ex service and sadly get overlooked.
    They deserve better.

    • It’s an outrage that our tax money goes on funding rapefugees and gimmegrants instead of those brave heroes who have served our country at great personal risk to themselves.

      • Yeah, remembering the war dead is one thing but remembering the war living costs money.
        You’d think a certain Anthony Blair might have a conscience and vigorously campaign on their behalf rather than jetting around the world filling his pockets with money and licking the arses of our EU enemies.
        Fucking evil cunt.

  29. Best one was frank Evans for little girls but nobody said it because youd get your lights punched out !
    And i was working on a site in cheltenham on a big pivate school in the early 80s and it was romoured that zowie bowie was a stewdent and the above cunter is right frank zappa started this shit

    • Frank Evans was a bullfighter in Spain. That song by Maurice Chevalier is fucking creepy.

  30. Stupid names abound in the countryside. In a previous life I worked as a Post Office Cunter Clerk and used to dish out the pensions every Thursday to a couple of posh old bints called Clara Cockshoot and Ofelia Balls.

    And I was at school with a boy called Richard Payne, he was a cunt.

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