Like a lot of my generation (I’m in *cough* middle life *cough*) I have what could best be described as a love-hate relationship with my computer. When it works it’s brilliant. When it doesn’t work, or to be more precise, when I can’t get the bastard to work, usually I don’t have a scooby how to sort it out. After about ten minutes or so fannying about with it, I’ll be reduced to a quivering, raging wreck, ready to hurl the fucker through the window and send the bill to Toshiba.
This afternoon, I thought I’d have a bit of fun and a few laughs by getting on to my absolutely favourite website, the consistently brilliant ‘…is a cunt’ (note to admin; when it comes to trying to a nomination posted, I can brownnose with the best of them). To my chagrin (I can be a wordy cunt as well), the bastard screen had ‘flipped’, was upside down, and ‘locked’.
Mmmm…. sounds like a job for ‘Manual Access Man’. Now where did I put that bloody wedge of paper masquerading as a doorstop? In the bookcase? Down the side of the chair? Under the bed? ‘No dear’, said the ever helpful Mrs Knee. ‘You don’t get a paper copy now. It’s on the computer nowadays’.
What the fuck?? Let me see if I’ve got this straight. I’ve a problem with the computer and need advice about how to sort it. To do this, I need to access the manual. The manual is on the computer. I can’t access the fucking computer to get at the bastard manual…
As it happened, I was collecting my nine year old granddaughter from school. She took one look, heaved a sigh of ‘oohhhhhh grandad’, went takka takka takka on the keyboard, and problem sorted. The embarrassment of it all. It’s easy when you know what to do to get back on line, but when you don’t, don’t expect any help from the manual. It’s in the last place you’ll be able to reach it, about as remote and out of reach as Alpha Centauri, and as much use as a fucking one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Nominated by Ron Knee
I bought a brand new laptop a few years ago, took it home plugged it in and it had to “update”, later it updated to windows 10.
I started to notice that each time I turned the bastard on it needed to up date.
I tolerated this for a couple of years until last month when as it suggested it might like to update, I removed the battery took it down the garden stuffed it in the chiminea and cremated the bastard then and there.
I no longer have a computer.
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Windows 10 is from Satan’s arse….. I’ll stick with my Windows 7, ta muchly…
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Only until Jan 14 2020… unless you want to pay for security updates, and only if you have Pro or Enterprise editions. And it will probably cost a lot, annnd it will get progressively more expensive until 2023 when they pull all Win7 support altogether.
They announced this the other week, on the sly buried in their blog. Had the same idea as you, Windows 7 is good for me.
Fucking Microsoft. Should be MegaCUNT more like.
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Hear hear Norman,
I have a feeling that once support for 7 is withdrawn my breath will follow not long after.
In the olden days of Unix (now there was an operating system), SQL and Informix I was in my element. We moved to a windows platform in order to make life easier for users of our products. Microsoft didn’t seem to want to make their platforms for “dummies” (remember them old books?). Every release since 7 seems to be bug ridden and you need a degree in computer science just to find out what the fuck happened to something you saved earlier now disappeared into a black hole, the cloud (another cuntish invention) or fuck knows.
I am now of an age that my technological span is that of a goldfish and I no longer care to share my shit with the world without knowing I had. I was fucking a woman who loved having snaps taken whilst “on the job” and she was a proper dirty cunt – imagine my surprise and her anger when those snaps turned up on something I had given access to on my laptop – and I still have no idea which programme or site it was and I still, after madly deleting everything on Goggle drive or whatever the fuck its called, found the same shit on icloud. The woman was rightly angry for two reasons – I vowed they would be deleted after viewing and the second reason she was a cop, and a quite senior cop. Did her colleagues find out? Fucking right they did. Did they tell her? Did they fuck – only the occasional snide email reminding her to keep documents and images safe ending with a smiley. I now save nothing bar important shit – zipped up in a secure folder with password access. Windows 7 will expire on the day I do – or the other way round. Long live windows 7.
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Illuminating Cunting Mr Knee – computers have manuals?
Anything wrong with mine, the wife sorts it.
Why have a dog and bark yourself?
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With you on this. When working they are great. Otherwise total cunts. Updates are particularly cuntish. What the fuck are they? And they have in the past fucked up programmes for no apparent reason. I understand when they name a specific programme, I-tunes comes to mind, but otherwise?
The upside-down screen is a fucker if you don’t know which key combination to use and has afforded hours of fun when I was working by doing it to someone even more clueless than me.
My daughter sorts problems for me. She thinks I am a bellend, with some justification.
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I have an i-phone (bought for me as a present, not out of choice). It was a model Crap-phone Whorehouse was trying to shift before some new blingy thing came it.
About three months ago, it started sending me threatening messages, saying that if I didn’t click to update , various “functionalities” would cease to…function.
I dutifully obeyed. Now, I have a phone that is slow and clunky.
I guess the update installs Obsolescence Functionality, so you are eventually forced to buy a new one.
CUUUUUUUNTS.
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Well Mr Knee it seems we have a 50/50 problem of “first world problems” and technology taking over our lives.
when the wifi in the house fucks up we’re all “aaargghh what the fuck my life is fucking ruined !! ” ….while other people on this planet are living on garbage heaps…..the other 50% argument is that technology is promoted to us as ” use it if you want to / leave alone if you dont……but in all cases nearly , you are coerced into requiring it to function in the society you are in ( as proved as I type this on an online device )
its too much , too fast , too intrusive and our brains aren’t adapted to cope.
I am somewhat encouraged by the posters above that have dumped the fucking things, they wont realise it but their mental health is much improved for it
good cunting …. and microsoft are cunts too
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Can I suggest , please don’t burn but drown , esp in but not exclusive to
Coca Cola/ Pepsi
Or up here IRN BRU!!!!
the acid kills ( literally) all the data on your computer
If G Glitter had done this rather than going to PC WORLD ….. well 🤔
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Nice to see Gerard Batten implementing my Common Sense Party manifesto. 😂
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The biggest issue I have with computer manuals is that in the troubleshooting list – which is extensive – it never ever contains any details even remotely about an issue you may actually have.
It’s like buying a yacht which suddenly develops a leak and the troubleshooting section only details what you should do if your vessel crashes into the moon or summat!
Totally pointless publications.
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i see Mrs May has now stated categorically that there will no second referendum. that the first one was the biggest ever exercise in democracy and must be respected. well done her!! especially since she’s not actually that keen on Brexit herself..
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What makes you think she means what she says this time?
Fine words as usual, but that’s all they are – May’s rhetoric has never been matched by her subsequent actions in the past… bin fooled too many times to start believing such a pathological liar now.
The woman is a sociopath.
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That reminds me of the great ‘You have been bearded’ harmless trojan that went around in the late 90’s – changed your screensaver in to a photo of the snatch of a very hairy woman legs akimbo.
It was rather funny to see someone returning to their desk to find that abomination on their screen…….
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Don’t know about computers,but most manuals are great. I’ve tackled all manner of machines from tractors,wood-chippers etc. through to washing-machines armed only with a manual,a tool-set and a belief that seeing as most things these days are assembled by a bunch of Chinkies on two bowls of rice a day.If they can build it, then I can fucking well fix it.
Had some success over the years,but must admit my hubris got the better of me when I dismantled the innards of a shitty brushcutter,of all things. Spent hours on it fiddling and faffing.After 20 odd minutes of pulling on the fucking starter-cord it started only to fart a couple of times and cut out again. The sheer frustration got to me and I had a Basil Fawlty moment. Smashed the fucking thing to bits with an old 12lb fencing maul. That taught the Cunt not to mess with me.
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Admin; Great cartoon you found for up top. Sums things up beautifully!
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I hate the ‘Dummies Guide’ books …I find them glib and noisy…and in some cases twee…
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I like Fucking Machines. I don’t mean computers but what comes up when you Google it. And I’d leave it running on Gina Miller. Good Evening.
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