Chelsea Tractor Girl

Any cunter who’s ever sat behind the wheel of a car will be familiar with the twattish young geezer referred to as the ‘boy racer’. For years this excrescence has caused untold annoyance to other drivers on the highways and byways of our great nation, driving high powered cars very fast and very aggressively. Now I’d like to give a bollocking to the female of the species, Chelsea Tractor Girl.

So there I was on this bright Autumn morning in my small but stylish Dacia Sandero, chugging along the road at 29.999 recurring mph in a 30 mph zone, being very law abiding as you can see, and minding my own business. About 100 yards ahead, the green traffic light at the junction changes to amber, and I touch the brake, slip into third, and begin a leisurely glide up to the red.

Suddenly all hell breaks loose behind me. There’s lights flashing, a horn blaring, and I look in the mirror to see a fucking Range Rover apparently in the process of trying to climb into my boot. And there she is at the wheel, nostrils flaring and hands gesticulating wildly; yes, it’s Chelsea Tractor Girl, and she’s not a happy bunny. It seems that I’ve prevented her reaching the red light a couple of seconds sooner, and foiled her plan to sit there revving the engine of her huge Chelsea Tractor wildly but impotently.

There’s obviously some dire emergency here. Could she be a minute late picking up the kids from their private school? Perhaps that meeting can’t start without her indispensable presence, or her nail technician has texted, threatening to close the salon if she’s not there in two minutes.

Anyway, as I trundle up to the light (still on red), CTG swings the Batmobile into the inside lane, designated left turn only except for buses and taxis. Here she sits giving me the Darth Vader death stare while a pulsing little vein in her forehead throbs and threatens to go *pop!*, a prospect which delights me inordinately. Then the light’s on amber and naturally she screeches straight ahead, cutting me up with a vicious outward swerve, then hammering up the road as the ’30 Slow Down’ warning flashes redundantly. I’m left eating dust, and shaking my head at the sheer bad manners and dangerous idiocy of this display.
What is it then about so many women these days that turns them into arrogant bullies the moment they get behind the wheel of some huge, fuck off 4×4? Does a sense of the vehicle’s power generate an impulse to inimidate, or is it some misguided notion of equality that tells them to show that they can be as big a twat as a bloke can be on the road? Perhaps it’s a bad attack of penis envy, with the tractor serving as a substitute dick to wave about, or in some cases maybe it’s just, well, that time of the month… Come to that, why does anybody drive one of these gas guzzling behemoths around in an urban environment anyway?

The great pioneering psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud once wrote ‘the great question that can never be answered is “what does a woman want?” ‘. Well I certainly can’t offer a comprehensive answer to that if Freud couldn’t, but I can tell you what CTG wants, and that’s to get her mini Panzer tank hurled into the nearest crusher asap, and if we’re very lucky, the little shit might even get heaved in with it. There’s always hope, even if there isn’t much in the way of expectation.

Nominated by Ron Knee

56 thoughts on “Chelsea Tractor Girl

  1. Excellent Cunting Ron – Back in the 90s, if some cunt was riding your arse like a bummer in a thunderstorm, it was always a spotty young lad in a fucked red XR3i. Nowadays when some cunt is sitting a credit cards width off your rear bumper it’s always, always a young girl – Tell me I’m wrong ?
    Give that young lass a rich husband and a couple of snotty sprogs and she’ll now be sitting in a huge 4×4, at the sort of proximity to your rear end where she could check you for polyps without leaning forward.

  2. The majority of women can’t drive. And for those who can, it’s ALWAYS women you have to beep at to pull forward at traffic lights because they’ve stopped to check their phones.

    • When I see a Range Rover, I think, ‘cunt’. However, when it comes to the bona cunte fide Chelsea tractor, I see the smooth Botox infested skin, half of Boots comestic counter, silicone breasted chavistocracy sow cunts, I think at least it’s not one of those fucking ONE LIFE LIVE IT CUNTS. They are proper cuntry tractors.
      Snorkel=CUNT. Winch=CUNT. Look-at-all-the-mud-on-my-fucking-windscreen-I’ve-been-somewhere-muddier-than-you-today=CUNT.

  3. These abominations do not belong on our roads. Unless you own a farm or go off road regularly you have no business owning one, and fuck you basically.

    Once I witnessed one of these humunculous attrocities swerve one side around a speed bump so as not to ‘damage’ the wheels or suspension. No surprises as to which gender was driving.

  4. For the last few years I’ve had an irrational fear of speed bumps, but thanks to an excellent therapist, I’m slowly getting over it….

    I’ll get my Barbour jacket….

  5. Whatever happened to those green cunts who used to go around putting stickers on these monsters and shouting abuse at the drivers for ruining the planet?
    Oh yeah……they realised they were all on the same side.

    People’s Vote Now Yah!!

    • I recall them well Freddie.

      Late 90’s early 2000’s Army Surplus wearing Uni cunts.

      Of course after they graduated in PPE or Underwater American Basket Weaving they found employment in the ‘public sector’ earning 6 figure salaries and Segwayed seemlessly into Champagne Socialism.

      Still they’re able to assuage their guilt by ‘toilet twinning’ with some Boon in some fucking rain Forrest somewhere, oppose public schooling whilst creating property apartheid in the areas with the best schools, forcing out the locals by paying astronomical sums for pre war semi’s, I can’t help think it would be cheaper to send you brat to public school in the long run but hey, it’s ideological dude.

      And it goes without saying the new house gets the obligatory wood burner, Aga stove and patio heater.

      It just seems we’re bombarded and surrounded by hypocrisy 24 hours a day and it’s so endemic it’s become the norm.

      It’s almost like there’s a conspiracy, whether intended or otherwise, if everyone in the public sector/sphere is a corrupt or hypocritical cunt, who do you go for first.

  6. There’s a great sketch by Catherine Tate where she’s a yummy mummy driving around in a Chelsea Tractor with her posh brats.

    “Where are we Mummy? There are poor people everywhere.”
    “Don’t look at them darling, they’re awful.”

  7. John Apter, new head of the Police Federation, and as such representing 120, 000 officers (or in Diane Abbott Teaches Maths, that’s a wages blii of… £60,000 pa), says that members are “incredibly frustrated”, that “Common sense policing has gone out of the window with officers forced to spend their time intervening in trivial social media disputes rather than attending burglaries and other serious crimes.”

    It must be something +ve that this comment has even made it into msm.
    Maybe I’m being naive, but I’ve had the feeling recently that, although cuntery still abounds, some of the bigger culprits have been winding their necks in just a little. Or it could be wishful thinking on my part.

    However, if I see any of the lovely local WPO mounties, I shall go out of my way to tell them that their services are greatly appreciated, and that their gorgeous legs and firm thighs squeezing their saddles…

  8. Most of the Fuckers don’t even know what 4-wheel drive is,and would probably run clean off the road if they engaged it anyhow. As for the Bull-bars on the front,which do such a great job of making the crumple-zones redundant,well I’ve yet to hear of an outbreak of rampaging bulls in Sainsbury’s carparks or at minor private school sports days. (More’s the shame.)
    There is no need for these vehicles in cities unless you happen to be a drug-dealing aspiring architect hoping to outrun the other disembowelling members of “da cumoonite” or a thick as pigshit “footie-star” too ignorant to realise just what a Cunt you really are.
    The only upshot of these ignorant wankers prediliction for totally unsuitable vehicles is that it makes it possible to pick up a very reasonably priced 2-3 year old cast-off. Guaranteed unused 4-wheel drive,no scrapes on the underseal and chunky all-terrain tyres which have never encountered anything more rural than a bit of pony shit from driving along behind little Rupert/Matilda on a single track road back to the Pony Club.
    To be fair, I once went to a demo. day for Land-Rover held on the Ranges. Terrible ground,steep hills etc. I kept waiting for the fucking thing to tip but not a bit of it and to my utter astonishment the demo driver was a woman….although thinking about it now,it must have actually been a Tranny because it never once looked in the little mirror in the sun-visor and retouched it’s lipstick….Yep,must have been a Tranny,no real woman could have driven that well.

    Fuck them.

    • There’s quite a few “merge in turn” roads in my town.
      As my awesome £250 Toyota Carina is an auto, I can put my left foot on the brake and my right on the throttle and the nano-second the light goes orange, I’m away.
      The other day, I did this to some silly bitch in an 18 plate Merc off-roader who (by the time she’d finished applying her lippy and had put her phone down and had got it into gear) was so furious I’d comprehesively trounced her to the merge point that she was literally bouncing up and down with fury.
      I had hoped this would cause an aenyurism and she’d plough into a vegan cyclist, but no such luck.

  9. Plenty of women are arrogant bullies when they’re not behind the wheel. The rude, abusive and ignorant behaviour of a significant number of them in both the workplace and the home would not be condoned if they were male. But since they’re female (and therefore oppressed…) they get away with it.

    Of course, if a man deigns to challenge said women (let alone behave in the same manner that they conduct themselves) the air is immediately filled with cries of ‘victimisation’, ‘toxic masculinity’ and ‘male privilege’.

  10. Completely off topic but after today’s shambles at Villa Park, can I just offer a very quick cunting to Steve Bruce? What a hopeless fraud of a manager this cunt is. ‘I never walk away from a challenge’. Yeah, right; never walk away from a big fat pay off more like. If you had any dignity you’d walk. Just fuck off yesterday.

    • How in fuckery do these cunts keep being given managerial jobs when their cv says, “Failure/Relegation/Cunt”? They seem to get passed about a perpetual members-only merry-go-round – Fulham, Bolton, Hull, Southampton, Palace, WBA, Cardiff, QPR, Fulham, Bolton, Hull, etc.

      If anybody’s team’s new manager is Bruce, Pellegringo, Moyes, Mark Hughes (HOW??), Neil Warnock, Pardew, etc., then your team is short-term fucked. A millionaire’s musical chairs.

      • Or Big Sam, I can see the aforementioned cunts sat around in a unit on a northern industrial estate waiting for a call. Like the Ghostbusters one is sent out sirens blaring with a screech of tyres and exhaust fumes ready for the ‘old hand’ to work his magic.

        • LL, I can imagine that northern industrial estate. Allardyce shouts, “Sheffield beat Villa? Fookin ‘ell, Pardew, start the car!”

    • as a life long villa supporter I’ve got to ask – who else can we get in ? Steve’s ok. altho I’m from the deepest darkest north east so I’m biased

  11. Oooh feck the penis thing, as one old spunker told me, bigger the car/engine the smaller the cory , that’s me fecked, daily driver 5.5l unimog truck, plaything 11liter 15ton 6×6 wrecker. I thought the birds called me MICROSOFT cos of me computer skills, looks like they meant something else, rotten old bags.

  12. Many the time ive tried to explain to some horsey tart that backing a trailer is easier in low ratio only to asked whats low ratio even though they’ve had Landys for years, fucking waste of a stupendous piece of engineering .

  13. I wish I had a Chelsea tractor so I could plough into the offices of the Guardian. Today’s Project Fear story:-

    Yes, archaeologists and museum curators leaving because of Brexit. Goodness, if they’d only told us BEFORE the referendum.

    The article proceeds to inform us that Museums are worried about not receiving future EU funding having obtained £450 million from 2007-2015.

    Sigh. Yes, those generous, magnanimous, ever-kind EU philanthropists dishing out their folding stuff. Christ on a fucking pogo stick, is it Remainers or Guardian readers who are this pigshit thick.

    Credulous, halfwit cunts. I need some gin.

    • Tried ‘The Botanist’ Islay Dry for the first time the other day. A very nice drop of tipple with a little ice and a fuck off wedge of lime. Just the ticket to foster a ‘fuck you’ attitude to the Guardianistas.

    • I wonder where the EU finds all that cash to fund museums and stuff? They must be jolly good at wealth creation…

      • No doubt a whack of it comes out of our pockets. Doubt Bulgaria and Remainia do much. They mostly chip in shady looking cunts to sit on the pavement with a picture of their ‘family’ and a Costa cup, talking into the swish looking mobile they’re trying to hide in their hoodie.

        • UK pays in £14billion Gross.

          Net contribution £10billion.

          Makes us the second largest Net contributor to EU funds after Germany…

          Bulgaria’s Net ‘contribution’ is MINUS €2billion!

          Romania’s Net ‘contribution’ is MINUS €6billion!!!

          No wonder the unelected cunts are demanding a £40billion golden handshake – it’s to keep ’em rolling along nicely till they implode in 5 years time.

  14. Fuck me, all the posh cunts are leaving. Good luck then cunts. Don’t forget to send us a Christmas card , wankers.

    • Probably did the degree because they presumed they’d be digging up sarcophaguses in Egypt, Indiana Jones-style but ended up knee-deep in shit in a car park digging up Tesco trolleys in Ilford. Tedious Remainiac cunts.

      • We had our first Polish brexit casualty two weeks after the vote.

        The soppy tart didn’t feel ‘welcome’ in this country any more. So she handed in her notice and fucked off back to Poland.

        Thing is, she was a tree hugging, tofu eating, specky twat god botherer who came to work on a bicycle and reported everyone for bad language and mild hissy fits to HR….. We work in construction.

        I suppose earning 80p an hour picking cabbages in some backward bumpkin town in Poland beats the shit out of earning £9 an hour sitting on your arse in a warm office and answering a phone.

        I fucking love what Brexit does to snowflakes.

  15. A music venue in Bristol is going to play Africa by Toto on loop all night to raise funds for an African charity….

    DJ Michael Savage (who he?) will play the US rock band’s biggest hit on vinyl for “five hours straight” at The Exchange in Bristol on 30 November…..He said people can be sponsored for how long they last….

    First off all, what an attention seeking virtue signaling publicity whore cunt…

    Second of all, why is some ‘look at me’ nonentity playing some ‘Creme Brulee’ poodle perm AOR on a loop ‘news’? Typical BBC fuckmongs !

    Last of all, isn’t the place empty now? You’d think it was, with the amount of the fuckers that are over here in Blighty…. They can all fuck right off!

    • Good old Sir Nigel! He should have said, “no deal, no problem…….no fucking money for the fat cats.” 🇬🇧

      • I can’t believe Kate Hoey is still there ? Must be awful being surrounded by Corbyn’s Momentum thugs.

    • I hope the weather is better than it is over here……..she’ll get a nasty cold on her chest!

  16. Ah yes, wimmin 4×4 drivers, one of the biggest cancers on our roads, they’ve made dangerous, clueless bitch drivers into dangerous, clueless, fucking lethal bitch drivers.

    Saw one time in a car park one do an 11 point turn, stupid tart had plenty of room to do less than a three point turn, made me ask ”why have these fucking things if you can’t drive them?!”


      • Yet do not possess the ability to drive them, except for driving them like total cunts.

        • And the biggest BMWs…
          Used to get stuck behind them in the multi-storey in St. Giles’, Naaaarge. Took the dozy slags years to corner down to the next level.

  17. In my experience it’s not just split ass bitches in 4×4’s that are the problem, even though they are but I’ve come to the conclusion that driving a car is pretty much on the limit of many many cunts abilities.

    I use the M6 Toll fairly regularly so much so that I invested in a Tag that gives me a small discount but more importantly gets me through it without delay.

    Genuinely I think the approach to the M6 pay station is the place where all the worlds worst drivers congregate, like fucking wasps in Jam, the bastards just can’t help themselves, despite 2 miles of warnings and a multitude of signs telling you that very shortly your going to have to pay for your journey, time and time again cunts arrive at the paystation in total shock that they’re being asked for money.

    I lost count of the amount of times I would pull up behind one of these cretins and watched them fumble around for change after speaking to the little man in the box.

    If that wasn’t bad enough you then get the cunts that right st the last minute decide to cross several lanes of traffic to get to either a shorter queue or a lane that accepts cunts without a single thought for anything coming in behind them.

    So I get a Tag. The Tag lane is painted green and clearly marked for Tag users only. You’d be mistaken if you think that stops fuckwits trying to use it.

    A while back as I approached the Tag lane I could see a car ahead of me that just didn’t seem to fit in. It was the sort of car your grandad would drive cus it was reliable and sure enough 2 grandads were in it.

    As I approached the booth my tag beeped to signify it had been picked up but as it did the grandads started to reverse and would you believe it they did so without looking behind them.

    Despite banging my horn this pair of coffin dodgers carried on totally oblivious.

    I got the fuck out of the way then carried on my journey, however my tagged beeped again so I been charged twice for going through once.

    Pissed off I called the Toll Admin centre and explained what had happened.

    It’s covered by CCTV so they could actually see the incident. Without any argument they refunded me but here’s the point.

    I said ‘how fucking stupid do you have to be to miss the warnings’ the person on the phone said ‘despite painting the lane green in the run up and making it as clear as they can it’s a Tag lane we have at least a dozen of these a day’.

    That’s 84 fuckwit bastard cunting cretins a week who are behind the wheel but oblivious to the fact that they are.

    I’d love to take just one of them to the bank.

  18. And winmminz in convertiblez. Don’t forget them, please. Much sweeping of hair from eyes across which it has inevitably been blown, 50 in 30 zones, 35 on unrestricted roads. Cunt cunts.

    Take a look under the Chelsea tanks and discover cheap thin tin at its finest, btw. All show, as others have noted.

  19. There is no need to have a three ton twatpanzer in town.

    Most of the plastic enhanced cretins who drive a fucking massive 4×4 never carry any thing bigger than a handbag and a kid with a stupid name.

    The only time they go off road is when they mount the kerb outside the local primary school.

    Irritating cunts.

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