Upselling

UpYours

T’was listening to the wireless, some BBC hoopla aboit the new online entrepreneurial presence orf the burgeoning market economy. Had to keep me head doine and reach for me old tin hat (bugger must remember not to piss in it at night), more buzz words flying around than buzz bombs in the Blitz. Fuck me that was a close one – the BBC Johnny just dropped one called UpSelling. UpWhat? Then Johnny UpFuck interviewed a coupla barrer boi mauf monkeys who had just got into this Upselling. “We are Upsellers” they brazenly stated trying to give it a bit orf the old UpFlash.

Turns oit (and this is Yours Truly’s translation) that the mauf monkeys have simply followed the well worn dodgy trail orf cunts like Alan Sugar from punting dodgy gear orf a barrer in East London to selling dodgy gear online. What used to be known as Retail or Catch Me If You Can. Type orf cunts guaranteed to enrage the Dragons and would not even have made oit orf the lift in Dragon’s Den. Needless to say the Dragons were all Mega Cunts and could sniff the lesser species oit in an instant. Used to enjoy watching the brutal comeuppance orf the Jack The Lads trying to work a snow job on The Dragons. Smoozers in Sugar Speak. Simple pleasures.

Call it Karma but was recently in involved in a business seminar (don’t ask) which involved a lot orf this UpCunt – you know the bolloxs – form into groups, come up with a silly company name orn the lines orf Exxon or Mondalez or Ocado and then start pitching your imaginary product. Yours Truly came up with Cuntador, a services company start-up that would UpCunt (identify) the cunts employed by other start-ups and UpCan their arses. Needless the other snowflakes were all into flogging cupcakes or premium snacks to supermarkets so fell orn deaf ears. UpSod ‘em.

Point is in this digital world orf Twitter Twatter Twiddler we must lead the times. We are UpCunters now and we UpCunt cunts me dears. Yours Truly first got UpArsed (KravDarth was not involved) after UpPunting a new motor. It was UpVended (orn HP) on a very attractive deal and YT kept up payments for about 18 months but it turned oit to be such a crock orf shite that after endless returns on warranty YT simply was so UpArsed payments were stopped. Got a call from the bums (bailiffs) that unless YT paid in full plus penalties the motor would be UpLifted (repossessed). Now a card carrying old cunt like YT knows that after one year orf regular payments that is illegal but only too glad to get it UpLifted at their expense so UpFilled the glove box and boot with rubble and concrete, adjusted the brakes on hard and left it oit orn the verge. A few nights later it was gorn, just a churned up verge and the trace of tyre skids orn the road. Ironic that UpLift now means a rise in economic fortunes.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke

27 thoughts on “Upselling

    • UpCunting Admin. Some UpFlake left orf me final bow viz:

      Don’t you cunts dare give YT a “Like” UpTick. Orf now to do a spot orf UpSkirting. UpYours

      • Acting the innocent Krav? No one’s going to believe for a second you’ve never taken a crafty photo up a Scotchman’s skirt!

  1. Off topic but this infuriates me
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-45369645
    Of courses they can’t be named for legal reasons! I wonder why that is? I’ll give you all one fucking guess as to why! My guess is that it probably has something to do with the reasons why such a story – which raises important questions about our immigration policy and cultural relativism – is located near the bottom of the England page! It’s almost as if the BBC are burying it like Hulk Hogan buried other wrestlers…

    • Identifying the (presumably) peaceful cunts charged with FGM (a heinous crime if ever there was one) would mean that the child could be identified, which the law won’t allow. The bitterly ironic upshot of this is that their anonymity is preserved when almost everyone accused of crimes of a much lesser stripe is denied such protection. Justice? Yeah, right…

      • Cunt should be flogged then sent packing back to Romania. Instead, an battalion of Criminal Justice (an oxymoron of the highest order) workers will present a sob story to the court and he’ll get a gentle slap on the wrist from Mr. Justice Fuck-Witt or whichever other stupid cunt presides over the case.

        • The sob story didn’t work today for the goat shagger who got 30 years minimum. But then his heinous crime was scribbling “must kill Mavis” on a piece of paper. It’s the thought that counts apparently.

          • The peaceful in question claims to be 21. All I can is that he must have had one hell of a hard paper round…

  2. Anything to do with uphill gardening?

    Presumably the ‘upseller’ is the one who sells his fleshy flugelhorn to the quivering ringpiece of the purchaser?

  3. Any cunt who uses the term ‘UpSelling’ (or indeed any other buzzword) deserves to be the recipient of…an UpPercut.

    • Our local GP surgeries are being completely reorganised, ie being made worse. After complaints, a spokescunt came out with this, literally, the merger is taking place to provide resilience to flourish in challenging circumstances whilst providing quality services and developing opportunities to work innovatively. Is that up selling a shittier service!

      • Well that sounds like bullshitting to me so maybe that’s what upselling means.

      • No, that’s a Mission Statement. Which is something else requiring an exhaustive cunting. BTW, how do you get bullet points and a pie chart into WordPress?

  4. And in other non rambling news:-
    A cunt from north London (natch, no trigger points there) has been convicted of trying to kill the PM.
    The BBC report mentions that Islam is a religion of peace. Of course it is. It’s those cunts from Mossad, the CIA, MI5 and the Samaritans that inspire this violence.

    • 30 years for trying to killing the Mavis? Bit excessive innit?

      John Worboys only got 8 years for doing FAR worse, ffs!

      The cops should have sent him on his way with a flea in his ear and told him to try harder next time.

  5. By the way why do some people on here seem to occasionally have two different profile pictures when they post?

      • In my case it is historic (no not that kind orf perv historic) as I always explain if it happens. I changed me original email and avatar after some troll cunt fucked me over and started posting as me. Auto-complete offers up both versions sometimes and, old cunt that I am, YT does not notice and hits post. YT does not see the old avatar until it goes up on the site. Cannot then undo it so let it lie.

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