T’was listening to the wireless, some BBC hoopla aboit the new online entrepreneurial presence orf the burgeoning market economy. Had to keep me head doine and reach for me old tin hat (bugger must remember not to piss in it at night), more buzz words flying around than buzz bombs in the Blitz. Fuck me that was a close one – the BBC Johnny just dropped one called UpSelling. UpWhat? Then Johnny UpFuck interviewed a coupla barrer boi mauf monkeys who had just got into this Upselling. “We are Upsellers” they brazenly stated trying to give it a bit orf the old UpFlash.
Turns oit (and this is Yours Truly’s translation) that the mauf monkeys have simply followed the well worn dodgy trail orf cunts like Alan Sugar from punting dodgy gear orf a barrer in East London to selling dodgy gear online. What used to be known as Retail or Catch Me If You Can. Type orf cunts guaranteed to enrage the Dragons and would not even have made oit orf the lift in Dragon’s Den. Needless to say the Dragons were all Mega Cunts and could sniff the lesser species oit in an instant. Used to enjoy watching the brutal comeuppance orf the Jack The Lads trying to work a snow job on The Dragons. Smoozers in Sugar Speak. Simple pleasures.
Call it Karma but was recently in involved in a business seminar (don’t ask) which involved a lot orf this UpCunt – you know the bolloxs – form into groups, come up with a silly company name orn the lines orf Exxon or Mondalez or Ocado and then start pitching your imaginary product. Yours Truly came up with Cuntador, a services company start-up that would UpCunt (identify) the cunts employed by other start-ups and UpCan their arses. Needless the other snowflakes were all into flogging cupcakes or premium snacks to supermarkets so fell orn deaf ears. UpSod ‘em.
Point is in this digital world orf Twitter Twatter Twiddler we must lead the times. We are UpCunters now and we UpCunt cunts me dears. Yours Truly first got UpArsed (KravDarth was not involved) after UpPunting a new motor. It was UpVended (orn HP) on a very attractive deal and YT kept up payments for about 18 months but it turned oit to be such a crock orf shite that after endless returns on warranty YT simply was so UpArsed payments were stopped. Got a call from the bums (bailiffs) that unless YT paid in full plus penalties the motor would be UpLifted (repossessed). Now a card carrying old cunt like YT knows that after one year orf regular payments that is illegal but only too glad to get it UpLifted at their expense so UpFilled the glove box and boot with rubble and concrete, adjusted the brakes on hard and left it oit orn the verge. A few nights later it was gorn, just a churned up verge and the trace of tyre skids orn the road. Ironic that UpLift now means a rise in economic fortunes.
Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke