The new Mini

I would like to submit a cunting for: The new Mini.

Where I live I have to drive on a single track lane for 2 or 3 miles to get out of my village. Mostly every day I see Range Rovers (a cunting in itself) and Minis. MINIS? On a country lane, so .. fucking .. many .. of .. them. WHY?!?!

Have you ever driven one? (I used to work in a place driving all kinds of cars). The buttons in them are all like retro switches from the 60s. The speedometer is a huge garish thing taking up loads of room. It’s like a disturbed teenage art student designed it.

And always the people driving them are the kind of people who have to try and be “cool”. OOh look at me I need validation, oh look at my things. The kind of people who wear scarves and glasses even though it’s hot and they can see properly. Fucking cunts.

And the Mini One, WTAF the thing is bigger than a Land Rover. How do so many people not have any sense of self-awareness of irony?

Why are there so fucking many of them?! Why are there so many annoyingly moronic people perfectly prepared to go into thousands of pounds of debt to buy an overpriced car because they mistakenly think it’s cool. Why? Because they are cunts.

Nominated by,Cunting Rank Wags


28 thoughts on “The new Mini

  1. Apparently the Flabbatamos and Compo were watching a tv programme all about skirts and clothing in the 1960s when Flabbo said, “I’m finking of buying a mini.”
    “You’ll never get your fat arse into one of them” said Steptoe.
    “You cheeky bastard, I was talking abaat the car!” she hollered.
    Compo replied, “So was I.”


    The old minis, the British ones, will always be ace.

    • I learnt to drive on a K-reg one (Blaze Orange) in the late 70s. I loved it; but couldn’t get my legs under the Routemaster-sized steering wheel, which was duly replaced by a “rally” job.

      But Switzerland was awash with the modern ones in the mid 2000s, and they were breaking down all over the shop. We stuck with our trusty Panda, ex is still keeping it going.
      Times change…

  2. Certain brands and/or models of vehicles seem to have varying types of bellends behind the wheel. When I think of mini drivers I think camp-looking twat with big fuck off glasses, bollock-strangling jeans and dodgy piercings.

  3. The sort of cunts who buy these are the same cunts on this fascist march in London. Posh, soft as shit wankers who worry about climate change and were so happy when that Muzzy bird won Bake Off “because she deserved it”. The sort of cunts who voted for Blair and would do the same again tomorrow.
    Absolute shit eaters.

  4. That car looks like a cross between a crocodile and one of the newest Royals.
    The old Mini’s were decent. Husband’s first car. The next was a Mitsubishi Sigma 1984 and by fuck I regretted the day I left the oil cap off and tailgated someone who illegally overtook me on a stretch between Wellington and another New Zealand city.
    It shat it’s biscuits and ended up crushed and I ended up with another import. Then we moved over here and I drive a Chevy and being a woman I’m not the best driver 🙂
    But that mother, the Chevy springs back like no other. Still have a Japanese import as my run-about, a Hyundai. And every now and then when I can be trusted I take the Husband’s Beamer for a blat.
    Moral of the story: Teach your kids how to drive well and not be a wanky knob with a car that needs to be swapped out for a horse.

  5. Looking on the bright side, when Brexit really hits home and the import tariffs start to bite. The mini, Audis, beemers and mercs will be so expensive to buy or keep running they will not longer be seen on UK roads.

    Any thick cunt who didn’t see this coming and has just leased a twatpanzer for the next three years will be terrified to move it off the driveway.

    No more being tailgated by a spotty little herbert peaceful cunt out to prove his driving prowess by undertaking on a busy motorway, no more twats jumping lights and wiping out real people’s family motors and no more money into Germany’s coffers which is financing them into have a third go at us.

    Fuck I’m looking forward to Brexit!

    • Oy, OB, I drive a second hand audi, and I tailgate, and undertake, slow fuckers all the time. Slow fuckers are cunts. Deserve what they fucking get…

      • I drive sensibly and courteously. It greatly reduces my chances of getting up close and personal with the jaws of life.

        Nothing gives me greater pleasure than seeing a white German car agressively undertake an unmarked police car, with obvious results.

        Did you know that the badges on German cars are all symbols of German nationalism.?

        Not a lot of people know that.

      • Confession time: I drive a 2017 Mini Countryman 2.0 Cooper. Mrs Boggs liked the colour and I liked the price. She is usually more spendthrift.

  6. To be perfectly honest, I don’t dislike the appearance of the modern Mini Cooper. No idea what goes on inside, but outside they remind me of baby Aston Martins, circa 1964 or summat.

    But what the fuck do I know. Last time I drove a car was 1969 – my dad had a Jag 3.4 litre Mk.2 in gun metal grey with wire wheels. Some dumbbell let him have it in exchange for our faux Yank Ford Zephyr 4 pile of cuntage.

    Actually I don’t give a fuck.

  7. Cars like this are designed with a specific purpose in mind.
    They are basically signposts that tell you:
    1) there is a wanker who can’t drive in this car.
    2) stay at least 3 car lengths away in any direction.
    3) the driver of this car cannot and will not see you.
    4) do not, under any circumstances, assume that this car will do anything sensible.
    5) in the event of a road rage based confrontation remember their iphone is on facetime.
    Cars like this should be the first to go driverless.

  8. Off point….
    just saw 30 secs of March of the remainiacs!!
    First Cunt interviewed “ yeh I definitely respect the result of the referendum but we absolutely have to have another vote” ? That just about sums it all up!
    And as predicted sky breaking news…… At least a 100,000 plus have marched today!! ( really?)
    Surprise surprise!! It’s been such a huge success!! Oh the government has to listen?

    • Sorry, I’ve only just seen this post. Been in London marching with fellow cunts. For democracy you understand.

      • As long as you respect the first referendum result that’s absolutely fine CC…… 😎

  9. The most ironically named bag of shite car produced today.

    The old mini s are mini and have something about them like a Morris minor or woody which is just charming. Small low to the ground and simple perfect .

    The modern version is as big as a fiesta and that other model is fucking ridiculous, mini my arsehole.

    same thing with fiat 500 misses the point completely.

  10. I remember the old minis and they were fucking dreadful. String to slide the windows, sub frame rotten after 3 weeks and a poly bag over the distributor if it rained. The modern version is far better of course, given the time lapse but I have zero affection for the old mini. A bag of shite.
    I cant say I have noticed the drivers of the new model. It looks like a woman’s car but in a good way.
    My first car was a Morris Traveller with fungus on the wood. The wheel fell off and it was scrapped. This was a common failing. Also a bag of shite.

    • String was to open the doors surely? Don’t remember the windows being operated that way.

      Tried to get my mum to buy one, cos all cool mums and sexy dolly birds drove minis, didn’t they?

      She wouldn’t touch the pile of shit with a barge pole, stuck firmly to her old-fangled Morris Minor for dear life.

      • You are correct. High tech string opened the doors. And your foot poked through the floor, Flintstone style when the sub frame rotted (3 weeks)

      • Parents had sliding windows on their first (2nd-hand) Mini.

        String, indeed, to open doors. It was still better than the old A35, which could cause serious groin strain or back injury, if you had to get into the rear of said conveyance.

    • My first car was a 1970 minivan. Flogged it after a year or so, having stuffed the rotting subframe with newspaper and plastic padding. The guy who bought it took it to his house to put it over his garage pit, so he could have a good look underneath. I thought “I’m fucked now”. Daft sod still bought it. Saw him driving it 6 months later, so maybe it wasn’t so bad…

    • I remember Alfa Romeo introducing a car targeted at wimminz in the late 70s – 80s (I think).
      Bizarelly, it looked like an “Invalid Tricycle” meets “Changeing Rooms” make-over.

  11. £15 k for a brand new one. Fucking crazy. I’ve never bought a brand new vehicle,and never will. I always buy my vehicles a couple of years old,save a fucking fortune.

    • I always wait until it’s at least had its 1st MOT – anything likely to happen has already happened and been repaired and it costs a fraction of the new price.

  12. Newsflash! Tony Blair has warned that immigration is a problem that needs to be taken seriously. You don’t fucking say! Pity you didn’t realise that all those years ago you silly man.

    • You have got that wrong. The phrase you are looking for is monumental, lying, treacherous, murdering, greedy cunt.

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