Estate Agents are cunts, aren’t they.
(riiinng)
Mr. Dickhead: “Hello, Cunts & Co, Gavin speaking, how may I help you?”
Captain Mags: “Hello, I’d like to sell my flat. How much do you charge?”
Mr. Dickhead: “Hello sir, 1.5%, plus VAT. Can I have your details, phone number, e-mail, and mobile so we can continually bombard you with houses far too expensive for you and miles out of the area?”
Captain Mags: “1.5% is a bit high. What do I receive for that?”
Mr. Dickhead: “We spend almost five minutes showing people around your flat. We also spend three minutes putting your details on-line. Furthermore, we spend an additional minute putting your property in the window. Sometimes we answer the phone. It’s just non-stop work. Can I take your e-mail address?”
Captain Mags: “Erm, that doesn’t sound like much.”
Mr. Dickhead: “We’ll also promise to lie to you about properties, lose your details, not respect your privacy and ignore your phone calls.”
Captain Mags: “Will you also promise to have appalling customer service and no business sense apart from your own rapacious thirst and immoral sensibilities?”
Mr. Dickhead: “We will endeavour to do so. We will constantly treat you as if WE’RE doing YOU a favour. Moreover, you will be shown around properties by cocky half-wits whose knowledge factor is nought and professionalism is atrocious. Can I take your e-mail address?”
Captain Mags: “Certainly. It’s CaptainMagnanimous@kissmyarseyoufuckingwankers.co.uk”
Nominated by Captain Magnanimous
They will also put a board up which will blow down in a breeze and stay with the property for a decade or so.
The property will be overvalued to appeal to your greed and later reduced by 50% as the market is ‘slow’.
Good cunting but far to kind to the fuckers. The cunts.
13
Great spot CC but trust me – British Estate agents are paragons of virtue. I am in the final throes of buying a place in France, simply because I fear my country where I was born and bred, where I can trace my lineage back to the 1600’s via parish records and much online searching, is going down the shit pan. Its no longer “My England” – its every cunt elses even though they hate the place and its indigenous people and the mud coloured half breeds will soon be realising the fruits of the Kalergi plan and Soros’s money.
I digress. The place I Want to buy is in the Charante region – in a hamlet with a bit of land – a house – a barn and a garage. It wants a fucking virtual rebuild but the walls are sound, nineteenth century terracotta floors and a recent roof with stacks of character and the old bloke who lived there is leaving some French built furniture to die for.
If you are not on mains drainage (and only about 60% of France is) you have to install a fosse septic – a septic tank. My place needs one. The French have that business sewn up like a turkey ready for the oven. Someone from the water board comes out – has a butchers and tells you which type you need and where to site it. For that the French utilities charge 400 Euros just for looking. The tank itself including installation is approx. 7000 euros. So here are the fees – up to now.
House is 15000 euros (yes, its very fucking cheap)
Septic tank 7400 euros
Estate agents fees 2500 euros – that’s two thousand five hundred fucking euros. I enquired as to why the cost was so high – apparently its approved by the French government – they set the cost, and you can expect from them virtually fuck all on the practical side but they are always there at the end of the phone.
Finished? Nope – then you have to pay a notarie fee, a bit like a solicitor but specialising in the sale of houses and collecting all the fees the government charge – stamp duty and shit. Their cost? 2,000 Euros.
So that’s 15k for the house and almost 12k in fees.
As stated previously – I feel a bit of a cunt leaving my country in the lurch but I think my time here is done.
Ah, the last thing – time. If you think Spaniards and Greeks are lazy bastards the French seem to have no fucking idea or concept of time. I was told by the Notaire the process is quite quick – only 3-4 months!!!! I’m paying cash and don’t need a mortgage and 4 months is quick? Fuck my tall hat – now wonder we tanned their arses on every occasion we have had the necessity to do so. After my tale of woe – trust me – Barry in his sharp suit showing you round your potential buy lying through his back teeth and using very “estate agent speak” is quite a pleasant experience compared to Claude who doesn’t even need to see you – only when you attend the notaires office to pay the bills. Oh, and if you drop Claude a line to ask a question – expect to hear back from him within the week. 😉
6
It’s quite a paradox. A number of Leavers I know would rather live in a 4th Reich country than independent Britain.
Please don’t imagine I’m being critical or unsympathetic. Unless you’re a Remoaner, of course…
Good luck! 🙂
4
I caught one of these slippery weasels putting a flyer thru my letterbox “ we have just sold a house like yours locally” claimed the estate agent?
So I asked the Cunt where exactly was the house? How much did they get? He looked strangely uncomfortable and said he wasn’t sure? So I asked him to find out and let me know? Never heard from the Cunt again! Maybe they were lying? Estate agents lying? Who would’ve believed it !!
Job advert…..
Are you a slippery Cunt?
Do you have difficulty with telling the truth?
Do you wear 2lbs of hair wax?
Would you sell your grandma?
Would you like a sign written company car with CUNT on it?
Apply to
Windbag and shitcunt est agents….
17
That’s a great ad Q.
For sure it wouldn’t be in breach of any laws re misrepresentation.
When I bought my last house in 2003 there was no For Sale board (at the request of the owners for some reason).
We went to look at the house without anyone from the agency present and subsequently made an offer for £50k below the asking price as I felt the asking price what what it was worth with £50k spent on it.
The offer was accepted and after a few months the day of the move was upon us.
If I remember correctly we would have the keys and legal ownership at 12 o’clock. 12pm came and went and no keys.
Lots of calls to the agent drew a blank, the agent insisting they didn’t have the keys.
All the while the removal firm were sat outside my ‘new house’ twiddling their thumbs but reminding me they were only contracted until 6pm.
Out of sheer frustration I went to the Estate agents at 3pm and started to kick off, not in an aggressive way but being very assertive to the overly made up woman who’d gone past being attractive but was desparately shovelling on the makeup to convince herself maybe that she could still pull.
Eventually she went into the back office to explain to some faceless twat what the problem was then I heard said faceless twat say ‘the keys for that house are there on the rack’.
It’s not often I’m lost for words but on that ocassion I was.
The agent in question was called Bairstow Eves and whilst they weren’t my agent whatever they charged even if it was fuck all It was too fucking much.
Bairstow Eves, more like Bastard Thieves.
9
Saw it in my local paper…..
I actually applied but sadly didn’t get the job….. 😎
6
You forgot to mention,
And would you make a delivery charge for aforementioned grandma ( plus VAT )
3
And a %age. “Rooney” type activities an extra £50-.
2
Absolutely!! …….😎
1
With the exclusion of “secret,” any job title that includes agent usually indicates a cunt and this mob fit the bill.
Shiny suit, pointy shoe wearing, gel in their hair cunts who act like they’re managing a multi billion pound hedge fund when all they’re doing is trying to knock out a two up, two down, conveniently close to transport links.
Fucking cunts.
Coke-addled cunts to boot….
7
Housing in general needs a thorough cunting.
From affordability, to wage multiplication factors, to new builds, to the fact we have some of the smallest housing in the EU at arse bleedingly high prices. To the cowboys who build them, improve them, and sanction row upon row of these useless cracker boxes.
And of course the cunting public who go along with this pyramid scam that will inevitably crash and burn.
8
I worked in insurance in the later 80’s and although I didn’t deal with the mortgage side the rules for lending were pretty clear – most lenders would give 3x single income or 2x double, whichever was higher so a couple, both of whom earnt average wage, would get a mortgage of around £150k. That would burst the property bubble and no mistake. With wages as they are nowadays, that would mean only about 1 in 100 people in this country would own their own fucking house
7
I did submit a cunting for new house builds, but it wasn’t picked up by Admin for whatever reason; maybe it simply wasn’t good enough.
(It’s in the queue. Just hasn’t hit the front yet. It’s a long queue unless we post 10 a day 😁 – Admin)
11
Agreed.
Where I live (Kent), the countryside is being snaffled up quicker than the Flabbatomus in a KFC eat-as-much-as-you-can buffet. It’s frightening. No brown field sites just fields one minute. The newspapers don’t report on it as if it’s not newsworthy! I’m sure it’s the same up and down our (relatively) small island but the ‘Garden of England’ is becoming more like a car park.
4
Not to mention fucking stamp duty!
Government: “oh, selling your house are we? We’ll have some of that!”
Dirty filthy robbing bastards!
I saw a video on You Tube the other day, whilst looking for an update on Tommy Robinson. I think it was Stefan Molyneux. He was saying the reason for letting in all the third world dross and assorted eurotrash into the UK is that it keeps the demand for housing high, thereby artificially propping up house prices.
CUNTS!
9
And what with Poundworld closing, all those Euromuck and Parking Stanleys will have even more time (and money) on their hands… Cunts…
5
Off topic…
JRM on ‘This Week’ looking increasingly in denial re Government’s Brexit sellout… appears to think all is going swimmingly, red lines have been adhered to, Lancaster House speech, no big divorce bill, blah blah blah. Really?
“I have utmost faith in Mrs May.” Well I don’t, and haven’t since she tried and failed to throw the election last year. Time to wake up Jacob, assuming you’re still interested in telling it like it is.
7
I don’t like the way people have made a personality obsession out of JRM. He’s a smart man and everything but don’t put him on a pedestal. The man would take one up the ol cornhole if it meant saving his precious Conservative party from annihilation.
4
Agree – too many people see him as the true spirit of Brexit, the shining knight on white horse who will come galloping to our rescue at the last minute. From what I’ve seen of him recently they’re going to be sadly disillusioned. I certainly don’t blame him… after all he’s never shown the slightest leadership ambition, not of the Conservative party, let alone the country!
Then again you never know, we live in strange times….
5
Come the Revolution, these slimy cunts won’t necessary be first up against the wall because they’ll be a bit of a queue sorting out all the other cunts on my Kill a Cunt list; but they’re definitely in my top 10!
6
Furthermore they leave their boards up for aeons to blag free advertising. Fucking rodents.
Time for a Gin & Tonic with ridiculous amounts of ice and lime.
4
It’ll protect you from malaria (if there’s still quinine in tonic…); I guess diversity is likely to mean more malaria cases in GB.
3
We sold our house in the early 80’s with absolutely no help from the cunt estate agent, then told him to take the sign down. When he refused we wrote a letter to him to tell him we were charging him for the advertising at £50 per day – it was gone the following day.
3
I hate Purple Bricks, and have been so tempted to do a large hard copy of the letter “P” and glue it over the “B” on their “for sale” signs
Childish yes, but they’re cunts, so fair game!
8
I notice that one has to pay £1000 up front with Purple Pricks. They then subsequently don’t care whether it’s sold or not and send round a flaky local “shower” with the keys who similarly doesn’t give a monkey’s and who’s not obliged to sell or not.
Purple Pricks is a cheap scam with even LESS honesty and fewer sensibilities than a High Street agent.
0
Sarah beeny has a cracking pair of bangers though. I’d happily leave a deposit on them.
11
aye! give her a good viewing, inspect her seller’s pack, (especially any hard-to-reach crooks and crannies), then shove a “for sale” sign up her ‘arris, leave a suitable deposit, and charge the cow “tramp duty”
sorted.
7
Indeed, i would happily gazump over her desirable frontage.
1
Allslop’s sidekick is a “trumpet player”…
I wonder if he plays her shit-trumpet?
3
He’d need a cock 2 foot long to get through those arse-cheeks.
3
I worked in this industry (letting) and I can say honestly that there are good and bad as in all industries. However; I can also say with first hand experience that there are many many monumental cunts within it. Thank fuck I’ve managed to withdraw myself from the shitfight that is letting. I’ll also say that contrary to popular belief, most of the tenants I dealt with were entitled fucking bellends who stamped their feet if they had to change their own light bulbs. Cunts.
2
Bunch of sexual deviants. They use the keys to go to empty houses and masturbate in front of the full length mirrors in the bedrooms. That is why they always tell people to leave the curtains up in their empty property…so that they can peek from behind them at the neighbour’s daughter sunbathing in the garden,play with themselves and then wipe their bell-ends on the soft-furnishings before leaving.
Mr. Kipper was an estate agent.
7
Think you’ll find Mr Kipper posed as a buyer. Suzy Lamplugh was the estate agent… and an extremely fuckable one at that!
3
It was never proved who Mr. Kipper was. I believe him to be an estate-agent. It was typical estate-agent behaviour.
5
Not going to argue with you Dick. I know when I’m licked…..all over…
3