People who set their own car alarms off – constantly
I sit here this afternoon with a cacophony of fucking car alarms going off around me to the point that I was beginning to think that Vlad had detonated an EMP over Londonistan.
But alas no, looking out of the window I see the normal set of gormless cunts staring at their shitheap car in amazement that the horn is blaring – again! Surely, you would think, that they would have remembered that their crappy car had an alarm given that they set it off this morning, and yesterday -(three times) and the countless times before. Why does it take them 2 minutes to remember how to turn the cunt off? They set it off every day so you would have thought that muscle memory alone would do the trick by now?
This annoys me on a multitude of levels – the most burning of which is that these people are audibly shouting to the world that they are thick as dried out shit. The fact that they own a cuntwagon that not even the most desperate crack starved car thief would look twice at appears beside the point.
Anyway, I have just improved my neighbourhood popularity rating by shouting out of the front door for them to shut the fuck up.
Cunts.
Nominated by Proper Cunt
In a similar vein,what’s with these Americunts who are incapable of driving off in their cars without starting it up and leaving the fucking engine running for ten or fifteen minutes first.
We have one of these USAF fuckers opposite us who fucks off to work at 6:30 every morning. He leans out of the window and starts it up with a remote then buggers off to have his breakfast. We have lots of the cunts renting down our road and the all do it! Noisy fucks!!!
I tackled one about it. He reckons it’s a cultural thing. Maybe the good General can explain?????
10
Stick a potato up his exhaust. Cunt.
13
I confess that on one occasion when the car was running on the blokes drive, I did walk across, take the keys out of the ignition and drop them down the drain.
One cunt who did this on the road under my bedroom window had a visit from plod who ticketed him for leaving a vehicle unattended on the highway with the engine running. Seems that’s an offence…
11
Americunts. Oversexed, overpaid and over here, gratuitously polluting the air and depriving us of our right to Quiet Enjoyment of the neighbourhood.
7
It’s probably habit, in the old days when engines had carburetors it was beneficial to do so, these days where near enough every engine is fuel injected it isn’t necessary.
Mind you I have to do it in my wagon to build the air pressure up for the brakes.
3
When I lived in Highgate my gimmiegrant neighbours car alarm went off one Sunday morning. The local environmental health noise patrol came after one call in an hour and served her a turn it off or we tow it notice! Fucking ace!
14
Fucking cunts who can’t stop their fucking dogs barking.
5
Here’s one for you Mr Dioclese.
Release the inner Lenin…
https://mikesplace2017.wordpress.com/2018/04/25/quote-of-the-day-44-2/
2
To be fair modern, factory-fitted car alarms are much less of a problem with nuisance deployment than they were 20 odd years ago.
You still get older cars with DIY fitted efforts that go off if someone looks at the car a bit strange or breathes a bit too heavily near it. Those cunts should have the backup PP3 battery removed from the unit and forcibly inserted in their dungtrumpet for disturbing a peaceful Sunday morning.
4
I used to have a problem with my cunt alarm going off every time I pulled up and locked the van.
Pissed me off for ages then I realised that it was the air freshener dangling and swinging about that set the alarm off.
I can be a real cunt sometimes.
Still … at least it woke up all the unemployed cunts when I got to the job, lazy cunts.
9
Blatant attention seeking imho…
4
I had a cunty time in a petrol station with my new 6th hand car.
I had the dog in the car so I locked the door but left the windows open, having keys in pocket and stuff in my hands when I came back I just reached through the window and pulled the knob on the door to let myself in.
Fucking alarm goes off!, logic dictates that the insertion of the chipped key into the ignition will disable the fucking thing, does it fuck! but the car still starts and drives?
so I pulled away from the pump and parked up in the “play with your mobile phone section” and pulled the user manual on the car, not a fucking scoobie! obviously the manual does not cover how to turn the alarm off just in case a literate thief tries to nick one. (cunt)
I then worked out that the trick was to lock and unlock the door to shut the fucker up.
At a later date I needed to top up with screen wash, having popped the bonnet at the petrol station I locked the car and went and bought some screen wash, on my return I opened the bonnet and discovered that it was also wired into the alarm system via a pressure switch, (but I knew how to sort it)
I fucking hate car alarms!
5
I own a convertible. Insurance company insisted on an alarm. Because I do minimal mileage these days the car often sits in the garage for several days at a time. Fucking alarm drains the battery so now I disconnect it.
Totally useless piece of crap…
5
Used to have the same problem DTS, however when the sodding alarm went off it would invariably be in the early hours of the morning, and was usually triggered by a tiny flying insect 🐜 or tiny spider trapped inside the cab. A few sprays from a can of Raid was usually the answer.
Boy was I popular with the neighbours whenever this happened.
7
@Willie Stroker
We had a cunt like you living next door, car alarm went off at 5am every other morning for fucking months… then it suddenly stopped. Turns out his wife had decked him with a baseball bat and buried him under the patio – a patio that I had helped the cunt build 5 years previously! Far as we know the wife is still on the run, think she might’ve been a Thai bride or summat…
But that’s not all. We’ve now got another cunt opposite whose burglar alarm goes haywire every night just as we’re sitting down to eat our din-dins. Because the cunt is off working in America, we reckon he’s programmed the alarm to go off when we’re eating as revenge for blocking him getting planning permission to mutilate the appearance of his house. Cunt probably operates it online, with a camera trained on our front room, long range microphones picking up the sound of cutlery and polite conversation, I wouldn’t put it past the cunt.
Coincidentally his wife died in suspicious circumstances too… Did I mention he’s a banker? Then again it could all be aimed at our next door neighbour who he also hates. Cunt.
6
Very apt. I have also have a neighbour opposite whose house alarm 🚨 which has been activated and now been annoying the bejesus out of me for at least the last 20 minutes.
The fucking inconsiderate cunts are obviously out.
3
I used to have a car in the 90’s whose alarm would go off randomly, but often in the middle of the bloody night. Luckily it had a remote locking/alarm system so I took to keeping it next to the bed so I could just point it out of the window and shut the fucker up. It was factory-fitted and I never did find out what caused it to go off. Mind you this was also a car whose doors wouldn’t unlock without the remote. I left it at a garage for repairs one day, I forgot to leave the keys but figured it wouldn’t matter since all the windows were open. They rang me after they got fed up climbing in and out through the windows to get into the car because it wouldn’t unlock from inside.
5
Bet it was one of them fucking Moss alarms.
0
House intruder alarms are as bad if not worse. Power goes off – sirens and security lights when it comes back on. Rodent triggers alarm – alarm. Cue an hour’s piercing whistling while whoever’s responsible when owner is in Tenerife gets around to resetting it. Career criminal goes in, steals spoons, legs it – no alarm as career criminal knows how to disable the fucking thing.
Also: cat in garden (it’s called Remy, after the brandy, gives accurate clue as to owner) triggers security light which shines right into my eyes when I nip outside for a smoke. And when Remy is not in the garden, owner shrieks its name repeatedly in the hope (so far fulfilled) that I have not brained it with a spade during its nocturnal dump amid my spring onions. Cunt, cunt, cunt. But it’s good to vent.
4
Aaaah…
“Good morning, landlord…And I’ll have a large Remy Martin, please”
Peter Sellers’ Warrington Minge sketch. I hope the town has a Minge festival dedicated to the Man.
3
Many thanks for that. One of Sellers’ best, and I’d never seen it before. Still sadly missed.
3
This boils my piss as it’s normally resolved by replacing the small lead / acid back up battery at cost of around a tenner every four or five years.
0
I’ve got a window cleaner cunt with a van next to me who is in & out the fucking van all night and all day at the weekend and everytime the side door slides open, the cunt starts wailing away.
Why can’t the cunt take his bucket, sponge, cloth and squeegee in with him when he gets home and save him running in and out?
Oh and who needs a LWB high top transit van to clean fucking windows?
The window cleaner who does the full street other than “window cleaners house” has a fucking Astra hatchback with a roofrack and there’s four of them counts…no alarm either!
1