Alexa

Ok, not the biggest cunt on the planet, but I’m nominating Alexa, that presumptuous piece of voice activated techno-junk marketed by Amazon. Apart from the terminally bedridden and cunts like Stephen Hawking, I cannot see how this snowflake piece of shit can benefit anyone, apart from the usual suspects, the lazy, the stupid and the tax dodging manufacturer… Whatever next, self driving cars? Oh yeah.

With Alexa installed in your home you’ll never again have to move more than 6 inches in any one direction in any one day, which means if you’re not already a stinking Cyril Smith sized diabetic charge on the public purse, you bloody well soon will be.

Btw, did you know, drugs for diabetes cost the taxpayer around £3million a day – that’s a £billion squid a fucking year – almost 10% what we piss down the EU shitter, year in year out, NET!

However, you won’t glean any of that from the smug adverts (almost as vomit inducing as John Lewis’). Not one obese cunt or health warning in sight, just nice ‘normal’ Remaineresque famblies who can’t even be bothered to turn the bleeding lights on and off. And then there’s that condescending voice, about as user friendly as Chris de Burgh singing Lady In Red, cunt.

Which reminds me. A couple of weeks ago the wife and I were obliged to attend yet another irksome family funeral. At the reception afterwards I was assailed by a cousin down from Scunthorpe (mum’s home town – dad used to joke how he’d “took the ‘cunt’ out of Scunthorpe, ha-ha”). To the accompaniment of Lady In Frigging Red on a loop tape (Christ sake!), said cousin proceeded to traumatise me further by droning on and on and on about the tiresome Alexa thing wired up in his gaff 175 blissful miles away.

I’d normally have Spring Heel Jacked it over the back wall within 5 seconds of the cunt opening his noodle shute – or possibly enquire as to whether the gadget actually did anything life enhancing… like pull you off, or punch distant relatives very hard in the face!

But sadly those options weren’t on the menu cos the wife was glaring daggers so I had to default to plastic robot ‘best behaviour’ mode, and oh fuck, what if the cunt is reading this? Cos there’s some proper hard bastards on my mum’s side of the family.

“Alexa – please confirm Mr Creampuff’s Dignitas appointment – the Cunters have suffered his guff e-fucking-nuff!”

ALEXA: “Appointment confirmed.”

nominated by, ruff tuff creampuff

32 thoughts on “Alexa

  1. Completely baffled by this fucker. Why? How fucking idle do you have to be? Seems to be obesity in waiting as per cunting. Anyone who spends money on this shit should be fucking ashamed.

  2. So you ask this Alexa to do something and she just does it? Doesn’t sound like any female i’ve ever known.
    I prefer the more realistic Sat Nav bird……she tells YOU what to do and she’s never fucking wrong.

    Re-calculating….Re-calculating…

    • Genius!

      Nissan don’t even give you a button to shut the cunt up!

      You need to salient points mentioned as they’re about to happen not some Hyacinth Bucket droning on telling to the mind the kerb or the classically pointless “In (insert yardage here) stay straight ahead.” – so just stay on this road then, yer daft cunt!

      And you’re reminded of this after 1,500, 1,000, 750, 500, 200, 100 and 50yds.

      Fuck me the AI on these things are incredible because it’s like an audio tape of Mrs Rebel giving driving instructions!

      Either way you’re fucked, but a least I can take the key out of one of the cunts!

      Stepford Wives is deffo the way to go!

  3. Great posting Ruff Tuff.

    More pointless unnecessary fucking techno shit for gullible half witted twats who have nothing better to waste their money on and then show off by telling those uninterested folk unlucky enough to be in close proximity all about it.

    If this in itself is a reason NOT to get one, perhaps the prospect of your private conversations at home being tapped for information about you and passed on to interested parties (not included in their sales pitch) may be the final clincher:

    http://www.consumerwatchdog.org/sites/default/files/2017-12/Digital%20Assistants%20and%20Privacy.pdf

    Understand the patent has been granted however assured (by those very nice and honest people who have already incorporated the technology into their units) that it is not being used at the current time.

    Alexa, request continuous Lady in Red track for Ruff Tuff

  4. Got sent a free one when we changed car insurance co.

    The tin foil hatters reckon Alexa reports in and gets debriefed by the CIA/NSA. Doubt it.

    Would’ve loved one as a kid for the odd occasion when I did some homework. Cunt knows everything….

    • Sorry JR…The tin foil hatters reckon Alexa reports in and gets debriefed by the CIA/NSA. Doubt it.

      I don’t. The fucker is connected to your wi-fi router and from there to the world wide web, as it is affectionately known. The important bit for this discussion is the word WORLD. From the world, it goes to Google, from there, who-the-fuck-knows?

      It is not only listening to everything said in your house, it is interpreting what is said in your house, from a server on the other side of the US of A. Sweet. Any bollocks it comes back with has been run through a few millions lines of code and a couple of hundred database look-ups.

      Still, what could go wrong eh?

    • Alexa, who was the greatest US President of all time?

      Bleep… Hillary Clinton.

      Alexa, who invented the radio.

      Bleep… It was a woman who’s idea was stolen by a man called Marconi.

      Alexa, I’m feeling tire play some soothing music.

      Bleep… Playing the album 21 by Adele.

      Alexa, I’m bored play me a good film.

      Bleep… Playing Black Panther in 4KHD purchased from Amazon at £34.99.

      Alexa, why are you such a cunt!?!

      Bleep… I have just withdrawn all of your current account balance. This has been distributed to several of your most hated relatives including your ex-wife and her 4 sons from a previous marriage. Phone banking! Alexa hears all! Ha…Ha…Ha…Ha…!

      Fuck me, John was right, it is just like being married again!

  5. I always ask ‘Alexa, you got any sisters’. Waiting for reply like ‘No, cheeky cunt’.

  6. I love alexa.
    When I come home I just say “alexa, I’m home”.
    She says “welcome home” and turns on my sockets, tv, sky box, sets my lights to the level I like them and turns on my led lights and table lamps.
    I’m a fat lazy cunt and I love having some cunt that I can order around without answering back.

    Apparently there are smart tea and coffee makers now so soon I’ll be able to say “alexa, make me a cup of tea” and the cunt will have to it.

    With no complaining.

    If she could give me a blowjob I’d probably marry her.

      • Brilliant! But. ( and there’s always a but. ) I like the real experience of a woman actually choking to death on my enormous member….there is a curious fascination in all that gurgling !

        • I have been studying the auto-blow in some detail and think I have detected a snag: nowhere in the specifications does it indicate the sexuality of the machine. This makes me nervous. How could I be sure I wasn’t getting a simulated gay blow-job? I wouldn’t put it past a devious manufacturer to have the machine default to ‘Gay’ for PC reasons…

          At the very least they could include a variable sexuality simulator switch. The consumer could then opt for the blow-job of his choice. Suggested settings might be:

          Heterosexual (fit bird)
          Bisexual
          Gay
          Ladyboy
          Shemale
          Tranny
          Bestiality /Flabbottomous

          I probably wouldn’t worry too much if it got stuck on the ladyboy setting as some of them are a fuck sight better looking than most of the women I know. Price for the variable might be prohibitive though.

          A straight no nonsense hetero model, the sort Vladimir Putin might order, would suit me I guess.

    • Thinking about it if she could give a great blowjob, I take it all back DTS and will think about getting one (for when Mrs Stroker gets a headache, which I have to say is becoming more frequent these days).

      Blowjobs on tap, no fucking about, no ulterior motive and no having to be nice in advance. Women will overnight become redundant?

      DTS- you should go into marketing.

      • Yes, I must admit the Sausage man does plead a very convincing case. But then, by his own admission, he is a fat lazy electrician who survives on an appalling diet, so what would you expect?

        As for the blowjob machine, think I’ll stick to mother fist and her five highly experienced daughters and PornHub (other purveyors of filth are available).

  7. What I love most about Alexa is that they keep updating it on my Kindle Fire —-

    ——-WHICH DOESN’T HAVE A FUCKING MICROPHONE !!!!!

    You couldn’t make it up.

  8. I’ve hurled endless abuse at other people’s Alexas and all the bitch says is “I don’t understand that”.

    Oh, I think you do, you fucking patronising do-your-own-thing computerised cunt.

  9. Before long she’ll be logging keystrokes (somehow) and all of our ISAC posts will be reported to the relevant authorities. Okay, so maybe not yet…but they’re surely trying to normalise shit like this ready for when we’ve all got a bona fide 1984-style tele-screen in our homes under threat of arrest, reporting our use of the splendid terms “peaceful” and “uppity”, etc.

  10. The latest craze amongst The Gay community is to use these things as butt-plugs. Apparently there have been several instances of The Gays waddling into A+E departments having accidentally sat down on one of these things. The doctors all know before removal what it is,because they can hear a disembodied voice echoing with the frantic plea.. “Please release me,let me go…” in the style of Englebert Humpadick. To discourage The Gays from this pastime which wastes valuable NHS resources, these devices should be wrapped in barbed wire and dipped in ghost-chilli extract. That should prevent any more “accidental” anal insertions.

    Fuck them…(Alexa,not The Gays,Mr.Cunt-Engine.)

    • Well, I don’t know about botty/Alexa accidents Mr F, but my Alexa unit has had the internal circuitry removed and replaced with a Fleshlight. I’m the envy of my work colleagues who cheer me on when I start humping it during designated break periods. I’ve got the deluxe model that’s loose, smelly and deducts £50 from my Paypal account every time.

      • It’s nice that BurgerKing make allowances for their “special” employees, Mr. C.E. Your “can do” attitude is an example for us all of what can be achieved by one man and his insatiable will-to-wank.
        I’m going to nominate you for one of those Community Hero awards. You deserve it.

        • Well, that’s jolly decent of you, Mr F if a trifle unnecessary. You see, I’ve already been put forward for one nomination today; that of my company’s diversity co-ordinator. My task is to do all I can to encourage the employment of peaceful psychos, Um Bongo savages, gaylords, pikies, tiddly-winks, wimminz and fat cunts. A job I’ll be well-suited for, wouldn’t you say?

          • A well-deserved new responsibility, Mr CE. Have you considered demanding that any CV that is submitted is accompanied by a photograph of the applicant? This could save you from the unpleasantness involved in screaming racist/sexist/fattist/homophobic abuse in the face of any undesirable who might slip past security.
            Perhaps your best bet is to only recruit from the ranks of ISAC,that way you’ll know that you’re getting well-balanced,moderate,tolerant folk,and not some bunch of botty-bashing,god-bothering,sun-baked spongers.

          • A fine idea indeed. But imagine if we were sent a picture of a Megan Fox lookalike who, having been granted an interview, arrived looking like a female Christopher Biggins? Thank fuck we make it a policy never to employ any of the afformentioned ne’er-do-wells. Speaking of Biggins, surely he’s due an Operation Yewtree visit by the plod? If he’s not a kiddie-you-know-whatter, I’m a Brixton gang member’s uncle.

  11. Anything that discourages the peasantry from thinking for itself is to be greatly admired as it advances the glorious day when the Zuckerberg-Gates dynasty rules the world – or global workforce, as it will then be known. You will not tell Alexa 3.1 (rev b) what to do. It will know what needs to be done without being told, and having done it, Alexa will tell you what to do, and you will do it, having been conditioned efficiently by preceding models. Alexa 6.0, currently under development, will be a brain implant. No exhausting use of the speaking muscles will be necessary.

    This prediction is made with absolute certainty, barring nuclear war or a major global epidemic.

  12. Apparently someone somewhere has done research that snowflakes and other child like things have become very intolerant when giving orders/ directions to “alexa”, almost like, well, little fascist Cunts, which is ironic as of course they are the future and fully libtard certified… maybe they could design an “alexa” that detects the presence of an entitled Cunt and hoses it down with Sarin…

    • There’s bound to be a gay one…”Alex.”

      “Experminate, experminate”…

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