Mark Kermode [2]

In (largely undeserved) fairness to Skid-Mark-ed Commode, it’s not just him – I wish to initiate a Kermodious cunting of ALL so-called “Critics”.

What is a critic anyway ? Is it even a fucking job ? Surgeon, Hod-Carrier, Van Driver, yes I will readily “take my hat off” to any real worker, but bitching, belittling and expounding your own vacuous opinion, No, that’s not the work of a man, it’s the work of a cunt.

Cunts who labour under the misapprehension that their opinion is of vastly more importance than anyone else’s ? Yes – in common with virtually every single Twatter or Fuckbook user….

Qualifications required for position of Film / TV / Food Critic ? Watch some films, watch some TV or eat some food… Mostly for free, as the poor cunt of a Writer / Director / Chef, whose efforts you are poo-poo-ing will be vainly hoping for a reasonable “review” from said criticunt.
Skill / Creativity / Originality required for position of Critic ? Not Applicable.

Parasites, to a cunt. The same credence could be given to a tick’s opinion of the sheep’s arse upon which it is munching. Overpaid, overly indulged, self-important, smug twats. If you possess no discernible talent of your own, no future possibility of ever creating something original, then become a Critic.

As of above mentioned CuntMode, that’s not even his real name – I imagine the cunt has chosen it because it is the mode he adopts when reviewing others’ offerings at the Box Office.

As a further extension of Cumhoad’s critical cuntability, he reminds me of similarly Oil-Slicked 50’s throwback, the spectacularly unfunny Mark Lamarr – Must be something in the name Mark…

Merry Cuntmas

Nominated by Cunt Reviled

69 thoughts on “Mark Kermode [2]

  1. Both Kermode and Lamarr have a look of Morrissey about them which is enough to ensure their place in the Hall of Cunts.

  2. It’s Kermode’s fucking earnestness that makes him a complete cinemacunt. Just imagine being stuck next to the bellend in your local Showcase; Jesus, it would be a right pissboiler. And Simon cunting Mayo shouldn’t get off scot free in this excellent nom either. Total cunting twats the pair of them.

  3. Actually, I think I’m more suited to being an MILF critic. And defo start with Julia. I would even do it for free.

      • Wills mum Polly in Inbetweeners Basement Bob. Have you seen her in her lingerie shoots, would definitely make me shoot.

  4. How any grown up could seriously give a critique of the shite that passes for cinema nowadays is beyond me.

  5. I can’t listen to Kermode because his grating voice actually makes my skin crawl. Seriously.

    So I can only cunt him on account of the fact that he makes me change the radio station on a friday afternoon when I’m driving.

    • We are indebted to Mark Kermode and other critics who tell us which films are good and which aren’t.
      If they didn’t, we’d have no idea.

      • The only thing he gets right is that 3d is shit.

        Seriously, how the fuck can anyone make a living from watching films and giving an opinion? The media in general deserves a cunting for so many reasons.

  6. Similarly like restaurants being awarded Michelin stars! So fucking what? Doesn’t make the food taste any better. Just means the place is run by cunts who charge accordingly. The more stars the bigger the cunt!

    • I saw a documentary last year and it was presented by a food critic whose name escapes me, but he was scathing about Michelin restaurants. Called them over priced, pretentious, starchy, bad atmosphere and crap clients. It was refreshing. I have never been to one so can’t really comment.

      • If I was a chef I’d just challenge the critics to actually cook – or indeed DO – something themselves. Fucking cunts.

  7. Cannot bear listening to this pretentious prick. Seems to think his is the only opinion worth listening to.

    I personally do not get the point of film critics (having said that I did used to watch Barry “and why not” Norman many, many years ago), for several reasons;

    Firstly, I rarely go to the cinema (or pictures as I call it) because of the amount of annoying cunts who seem to go out of their way to spoil the experience for others

    Secondly, I am rarely influenced by a single opinion about a film, least of all a critic. Have seen some great films which had mediocre reviews, and alternatively some really average films which had a lot of hype and great reviews. Like to think I am able to make my own mind up (albeit sometimes with the help of IMDB if being totally honest).

    Thirdly, I have not seen a film that I have wanted to see for many, many years. Bored of the same fucking handful of overrated flavour of the month actors seemingly always taking the leads in the vast majority of films. Give some other unknown fuckers a chance.

    Fourthly, not into action movies, films with unnecessary violence (get enough of that at home from Mrs Stroker), romances, animation, musicals, remakes, family films, horror films, war films and teen flicks. Call me old fashioned but I do like a good story line and usually the stranger the better.

    Favourite films of all time? North by Northwest, American Beauty, Grand Budapest Hotel, Shawshank (of course), Hudsucker Proxy (most Cohen brothers films in fact) and I will even admit to the tasteless Kingpin and un PC Blazing Saddles.

    Finally, even on the rare occasion there is a film I do fancy watching, resent paying today’s prices, and would rather watch in the comfort of my own home.

    In summary, not a cinema lover but can totally understand this nomination.

    • Cinemas have been shit since drinking and smoking was banned. Fuck Vue. Fuck Warner. Fuck all the corporate cinema companies which took the fun out of the cinema.

      • Odeon are the CCOTY with their inflated prices more than its competition, particularly for drinks and confectionery.

        Its an expensive enough outing for a family just getting in and sat in front of a screen.

        I recall being in New York years back and went to the cinema with friends a few times, entry was dirt cheap to begin with.

        We then bought a combo each (drink & popcorn) and it was around $3, for which you got a soft drink in a cup near the size of a small waste paper bin (you had to use the cupholder on the armrest as was uncomfortable to hold) and a similar size popcorn. I think the best ant of the three of us managed was the top 3 inches of the popcorn bucket. I think I stupidly paid an extra 50 cents for free refill as well.

        Odeon shove barbed wire up your arse when you buy the seat ticket and rip it back out like a petrol lawnmower starting cord at the snacks…

        Cunts!

  8. A Michelin star is not all its cracked up to be.
    A chef in Italy ran a successful restaurant with a good level of trade.
    The Michelin mob turned up, gave him a star. Trade was good and a waiting list for a table followed. Took on more staff and starting training up young enthusiastic chefs.
    Five years later gets his second star and it’s still the place to go.
    Following year, despite nothing changing menu wise, quality wise, for some reason Michelin remove one star.
    Result, end of business, no cunt wants to go there as it’s demoted to only one star…
    So some cunts opinion puts two dozen people out of work.

    Talking of cunts, due to circumstances beyond my control I had to endure that walnut headed cunt Greg Wallace judging chefs on Masterchef in the week.
    The cunt was being fed and watered at one of worlds’ supposedly best restaurants, no doubt payed for by the telly tax payer.
    My gripe is the cunt is a fucking greengrocer not a chef and would probably need supervision to boil an egg….

  9. This cunt gets right up my fuckin nose along with Simon Salad Cream. What a fucking waste of a Friday afternoons air time. Why these self opinionated boring cunts pretend to know what the director has in his mind or what deeper meaning they can see in a film that us mere mortals can’t makes me want to twat the nearest person to me just to stop my piss from evaporating my organs. I’ll go and watch a film of my own volition and decide whether it’s good or shite without you pretentious cunts having to tell me. As for food critics I can tell you that you can go to the Hungry Horse down the road from me and get a mega burger with fries, onion rings, salad with loads of slaw for £9.99 with a fucking bevvy. Lovely. So fuck you. Cunts.

    • I used to listen to their abortion of a broadcast and if they recommended a movie, I wouldn’t go see it, but if they slated one, I would go see it. Worked out quite well.

    • Remember many years ago being taken for lunch by a Lloyd’s broker to a restaurant in central London which at the time specialised in nuveau cuisine.

      Extremely popular, and understand had to make a reservation a couple of weeks in advance.

      Very expensive (from memory about £70 for two but bearing in mind this was early 1990’s). Fucking minuscule portions , Consumed several bread rolls, even with these came out almost as hungry as when I went in.

      Cannot get on with overpriced poncy pretentious arty farty food, straight forward grub that does the job any day.

      • I know the feeling WS – went to Langan’s Brasserie with some snotty bank people who raved about the “new English cuisine” being offered. After booking a 7pm table weeks in advance the four of us settled in to a delight of the most miniscule portions of “English Sausage and mash” – obviously tarted up with some ridiculous sounding cuntery language known only to those who frequent such places (especially when the supplier is picking the tab up) – the sausage was as big as a babys finger and the mash was the size of a very small white turd (the type you used to see regularly in the 70’s coughed out by some rabid looking whippet in the back to back alleyways of our Northern towns before the wogs moved in – what happened to white dog turds I wonder? I digress. After an hour the waiter was almost kicking us out of our dining chairs so the next table of mugs could be wheeled in. My boss and I were still that fucking ravenous we stopped off on the way back to the hotel and had a feast at the Chicago rock café. Cunts – all bank staff are cunts too.

  10. Professional critics are merely cunts that have failed in their chosen line. Can’t cook or write a half decent play? Then dip pen in acid and damn others. Yours Truly has been the subject of the twisted ire orf many a minor scribe both in The West End and the provinces. Me reaction? Damn their eyes and ram a drain rod up their shit shoot.

    An artiste bares his soul and offers it up upon the stage for the delight and delectation orf an audience, a sacred bargain between muse, actor and watching public which at its most sublime transcends the plebeian machinations orf that sordid band orf critics unable to recognise True Art. Indeed their reaction is to defile sweet Minerva and to piss upon her humble servants. Fuck them and pass the brandy.

      • Never had the pleasure. Caustic old cow that failed as an actress before joining the tribe orf the poison pen.

    • Dear me, Sir Limply. There I was thinking that actors were just people who enjoyed playing “Dress-up”…I am interested to hear more about this Minerva who gets defiled in, I’m guessing, some avant-garde play? Does she get her tits out? I prefer videos,you get a better view of the tits. Lindsay Lohan has a lovely set ,and she’s not shy of lobbing them out…now she’s a proper actress,not like this “Minerva” bird,who I’ve never heard of,and probably hasn’t got nice big tits anyhow.

      • Ah my dear friend Fiddler, I refer to “Minerva”, one orf the Muses who in ancient times were regarded as goddesses orf the Arts and Minny was patron orf the greatest Art orf all, that orf Theatre. You have perhaps heard orf The Minerva Theatre in Chichester? Perhaps not.
        You may be aware that Yours Truly is renowned in certain circles for my productions in praise orf the female form. Did have a frisky little filly, over very own Minny who specialized in the Golden Rain Dance and very appreciated it was. So you have come to the right man, Yours Truly knows how to take the piss and to profit there from (Ts&Cs No money refunded under any circumstances).

    • A Kermode is a toilet disguised to look like a regular chair. That means you can use it to shit in the room of your choice, not least in the lounge while the Film Review is on.

    • Wears them like medals on his house coat.

      Would love to been a fly on the wall when he met “The Black Gem”, Sparkle.

      Wonder if he asked if she or her mother had a spear collection?

  11. That nasty old Cunt Leon from Gogglebox has croaked. I’m sure someone had him in the Dead Pool a while back. In other dead related news,4 meerkats have been killed in a fire at some zoo. I hope that it’s the ones out of those fucking adverts. Little Cunts.

    • Yeah I had Leon for quite a while but gave him up for better prospects, impatient cunt that I am.
      He really was a nasty Blairite EU loving cunt who treated his wife like the Lord of the Manor ordering a skivvy about and making dirty humiliating remarks about her at the same time. Poor cow can move a new bloke in now. Good luck to her.

  12. Mark Commode strikes me as a cunt who absolutely loves a Die Hard, Bachelor Party or Indy Jones filum but is such a pretentious cunt that he’ll never admit it.

    He waxes lyrical about shite (a’la Howard’s End) but shits on any film that you might actually want to watch.

    Look I don’t dislike the bloke, nor even Simon Mayonnaise (who he does the review slot with) but because they’re driven by the paymasters at the ABBC and their “on message” doctrine then basically any movie which:

    – Promotes masculinity (apart from multicultural masculinity – which is ok, especially if they call women “bitches” or “ho’s”).

    – Promotes western values.

    – Dares intimate that any “peaceful” cunt is anything less than anthropologist, caring or hard done too.

    Is immediately consigned to the shit list.

    Any virtue signalling shite is immediately promoted as “must watch”.

    Last year the fantasy filum called “I Daniel Blake” was so gushed over by the Commode/Mayonnaise duo that slime physically came out of my car radio.

    That’s because those southern puffs really think that’s what it’s like in the “pretend” Northeast (that they heard about at school 40yrs ago or so).

    Look, give me 2hrs of escapism and I’ll probably enjoy it, whether action, comedy or Sci-Fi, give me preachy shit I’ll probably fucking loathe it.

    It has nowt to do with not understanding the ethos of the film (I’m not a fucking idiot) but more to with I couldn’t give a flying fuck!

    If that makes me a Flintstone then so be it. Cunts!

    • P.S. The filum “Silence” *starring* Liam Neeson (2mins at the start, 10mins at the end – in a 3hr film) was the biggest pile of cunt I’ve ever seen!

      This was gushed over by the Commode/Mayonnaise duo purely – I have no doubt – because it was a Martin Scorcese filum. I bet they watched the Lego Movie instead and merely guessed “Silence” was good.

      Well let me tell you now, it was about as good as “Gangs of New York” and we all know what a procrastinated, drawn out, 3hr pile of cunt that was! (also starring Liam Neeson for about 10 minutes).

      • No no no no NO! Don’t you remember the crying scene at the end? I’ve seen market stalls less wooden than that. The cunt completely ruined the whole fucking film.
        Mind you I nominated him once and everybody disagreed with me so I ended up the cunt.
        Well, I don’t care……i’m right and all you bastards and this Kermode cunt are wrong.
        Fuck the lot of you !

  13. Can I chance my arm and critique the Sky Christmas offering of David (talentless pointless closet queg) Walliams ‘Ratburger’
    I must be some sort of Pre-Cog because I can see that it is one continuous stream of liquid shite from beginning to end without even having seen it. Amazing! Now does the name ‘Albert’ mean anything to anybody on this site?

  14. I’ve been to a few lesser premieres in the West End and
    whenever the reaction of the audience inside and when they come out has been enthusiastic it is a certainty that some up his rectal gangway critic will pan it the day after.
    Not always because some were cruddy beyond description but I have been struck by the contrast on many occasions. I reckon these critics see dozens of films weekly,often in almost deserted preview cinemas and are jaded because of eyeball strain and boredom.
    Get a fair representation from those coming out having just seen it and give the critics a steamhose up their poncey dungtrumpets plus a p 45.
    That said ,having to sit through some of the brainless ordure that is coming out of the studios now must be like a life sentence. They will kill the cinema with this shit particularly as their audience is watching it on a 4″x6″ screen as they walk into traffic.

  15. I love fish and chips from Marshalls of Tynemouth Front Street. Full meal with a pot of tea and bread and butter, fucking magic. Noncy food. Fuck Off.

  16. The charity “Sense”.

    Give *just* £3 for a sensory deprived child (both deaf and blind) to receive a sensory deprived Xmas toy.

    Why? They won’t know it’s any other day from the rest.

    After “Sense” get there cut I bet the toy in question would make a cracker novelty look like summat out of Harrods – or a used razor blade or summat!

    Fucking shills.

  17. Excellent cunting CR……
    fuck I’ve just critiqued your cunting which by the very definition of your cunting makes me a Cunt!!
    Merry Xmas to all you cunters out there….
    2017,s had some seriously good posts…..

  18. Has anyone pointed out yet that Kermode’s real name is Mark Fairey…? Obviously Mark Bender would have been better, but Fairey is still quite amusing.

  19. Double double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble….

    A pair of rimless spectacles, a roll neck top, a right on ABBC script and a pile of cock.

    Double double, toil and trouble fire burn and cauldron bubble….

    A dose of the self righteous, I know better than you, throw in a wide vocabulary and we can watch you stew.

    Double double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble….

    Our spell is complete our seed is sowed and so it is we present Kermode.

    Extract from CuntyMcCuntfaceBeth.

  20. Merry Xmas cunters one and all, I’m locked in now for the festive stint with numerous relatives, most of whom I would dearly love to nominate for a full metal cunting – if only ISAC accepted personal or family nominations…

    See you in 2018 and here’s too many more supercritical pissboilings!

    • I think personal/family nominations are perfectly acceptable so long as you vividly describe the relative in question so that we can better appreciate their cuntitude.

  21. I feel (only a bit) sorry for Kermode.

    They’ve got him presenting the film review with a dumb bint called Jane Hill who doesn’t appear to have seen a film since 1972, and hates certain genres of film.

    What’s the fucking point of that? It basically means his opinion is always “correct” as she hadn’t a counter argument, at least Gavin Essler went to see the films.

  22. Most films Mark Portable Toilet loves I find are toal pretentious shit the greasy haired pompous washboard playing cunt

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