The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2017 p.c. edition…
- And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander
- And he sayeth unto her “How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?”
- And Mary did quiver, and replieth “An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God’s child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings”
- And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying “That’s the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch”
- But Mary wast not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph “I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig”
- And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accomodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.
- And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst recieve a threatening letter from the landlord saying “I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs”
- And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying “Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need”
- And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. “Taketh no notice,” sayeth her benefactor. “‘Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali”
- And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.
- And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed
- And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head. And Mary did behold them and sayeth “I see three kings!”
- And the first sayeth “Shit, girl, you been through it, ain’tcha? Have a swig of this..” and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.
- And the second sayeth unto her “I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins” and handed her a Franc and some Cents
- And the third sayeth unto her “Ah eh! I’ve nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out”
- And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.
- And the donkey in the corner brayeth “Eee Ore! It’s a fuckin’ miracle…”
Here endeth the lesson.
We shall now sing hymn 123 “We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car.” All rise…
(Shamelessly nicked from Dioclese’s blog)