Christmas [25] – Open thread

The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2017 p.c. edition…

  1. And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander
  2. And he sayeth unto her “How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?”
  3. And Mary did quiver, and replieth “An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God’s child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings”
  4. And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying “That’s the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch”
  5. But Mary wast not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph “I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig”
  6. And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accomodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.
  7. And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst recieve a threatening letter from the landlord saying “I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs”
  8. And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying “Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need”
  9. And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. “Taketh no notice,” sayeth her benefactor. “‘Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali” 
  10. And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.
  11. And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed
  12. And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head. And Mary did behold them and sayeth “I see three kings!”
  13. And the first sayeth “Shit, girl, you been through it, ain’tcha? Have a swig of this..” and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.
  14. And the second sayeth unto her “I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins” and handed her a Franc and some Cents
  15. And the third sayeth unto her “Ah eh! I’ve nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out”
  16. And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.
  17. And the donkey in the corner brayeth “Eee Ore! It’s a fuckin’ miracle…”

Here endeth the lesson.

We shall now sing hymn 123 “We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car.” All rise…

(Shamelessly nicked from Dioclese’s blog)

97 thoughts on “Christmas [25] – Open thread

  1. Did a 12 hour shift today and not a good day at the office so to speak.Heard a few rants worthy of isac unsurprisingly.

  2. Mrs Brown’s Cunts and French and Saunders as prime time viewing?…
    Good job I was on the bog having an after Christmas Dinner/12 bottles of Speckled Hen shit…

  3. Due to a bout of boyhood nostalgia I had a shufty at the Doctor Who Xmas Special… Capaldi was ace, David Bradley did a decent enough Hartnell impression, and Bill the black lezza is still an irritating cunt… Well, that’s that… A childhood hero is now dead… Doctor Who RIP… And the BBPC are fucking cunts…

    • Makes me wonder what the beeb will do if the viewing figures drop right through the floor.
      Probably carry on regardless saying “all is well” like they did when the Clarkson-less top gear was watched by about seven people.
      BBC cunts…

      • Agreed… Whatever one thinks of him, Clarkson ‘was’ Top Gear… The new Doctor Who started so well with Christopher Eccleston (and, although cuntish, Tennant also put a lot of effort into it), but the BBPC can’t help themselves… First Top Gear, now Doctor Who… The cunts are the only ones stupid and incompetent enough to kill more than one Golden Goose… I just wish they would set Mrs Brown’s Cunts and EastcuntingEnders to self destruct too….

      • For what it’s worth I like the new version of Top Gear especially now they got rid of that ginger prick.

        As a kid I found Clarkson amusing on the old TG with Tiff Needell, still found him amusing on the revived version in 2002 but then it turned from being a funny car show into 3 middle class blokes being dickheads in the most cliched scripted films I’ve ever seen and the whole “we’ll define what’s cool” what a tall bloke with grey pubes on his head is dictating to the viewers whether you look cool or not driving a certain car? The coolest thing that ever went on that Cool Wall was a Ducati and he took a chainsaw to it.

        Hammonds been unbearable since that dragster crash, it was like an old dog at the end.

      • Top Gear did become like three posh boys wrecking their expensive toys, and Hammond is a cunt….

        Only way I will watch the next Doctor Who is if the young lady runs around in saucy undies, chased Benny Hill style around the TARDIS…

      • I absolutely concur with you on this Cuntypants although my liking of Clarkson possibly lasted a tad longer.

        I’d started to expect he was ‘establishment’ playing the ‘anti establishment’ card.

        Then upon the Brexit vote the pubic haired fat oath revealed his true colours.

        In his usually quite entertaining car reviews in the the Sunday Times his first article was on a Sunbeam Humber or something similar from the 1950’s because in his massively authoritarian view that’s where people like me have voted to take us.

        I swear it was like finding out the Mrs was having an affair with me best mate.

        What an utter cunt. Genuinely I’ve not been able to read or watch anything he’s produced since.

        Oh and that Hammond, luckiest fucking non enterty in ‘showbiz’.

        Fucking stooge.

      • That’s the thing though Clarkson is a fictional character, the manliness, the two fingers at the establishment is all an act. This is the real Clarkson
        apologies for the appearance of Michael Mcintyre cunt but listen to that voice, that is the real Jeremy Clarkson, a privately educated mummies boy. The Clarkson that we know today evolved over time.

  4. I used to hang them with sewing thread on my gallows built from lollipop sticks.

    Obviously following a fair trial. Mostly murderers, rapists & thieves they were. There was the odd breach of the peace, though they ended up blowing their liberty due to serious contempt of court, talking back to the judge on sentencing. 😀

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