Samuel Smith’s Brewery

Samuel Smiths are cunts… What with supermarket booze and the smoking ban, there are hardly any punters left in pubs anyway… And Sam Smiths want to drive what they’ve got left away by banning swearing?! Let me guess: some snowflake modern parent libmong silly slag complained when she heard someone mutter an ‘offensive’ and ‘vile’ (they love that one) word in front of her brats, Tamara and Pukeykins, who shouldn’t be in a pub anyway… Sam Smiths are cunts and deserve to go bust…

Nominated by Norman.

58 thoughts on “Samuel Smith’s Brewery

  1. There is a pub in outback Queensland with a sign on the bar saying ” No fucking swearing at the bar staff. Any bastard caught doing so will not be served”.

  2. I’ve been in thousands of pubs and I’ve never heard any blokes talking loudly about fucking each others’ mothers. Yeah, if you want to hear real vile swearing get on the top deck of a bus at school chucking out time. Try banning that you soft cunts!

  3. If say…only 20% of customers swear ,( and they will be banned .) Then yes I can see there is going to be a reduction in business quite rapidly.And what excatlly constitutes swearing? Surely the odd “cunt” or a little bit of “twat” will be allowed?

    I don’t think that this shite has been thought through very well.

  4. It seems our peaceful friends in N London have had their sleep disturbed by gunfire.
    How sad!

  5. Can’t swear? no problem… I can handle not swearing for a few hours but I would only go there to drink on the condition that they play Björk and only Björk

    • Smiths don’t allow music either. They banned it years ago because they wouldn’t pay the appropriate licence fee. Although whether Bjork is music is debatable.

      • I’m Not Björking With You cunters I love Björk!

        I live in an apartment in New Björk City. I walked in on my brother Björking off to a Björk Infomercial as he yelled, “If it ain’t Björk don’t fix it!” When my dad came home from Björk, my dog Björked at him so loud I fell off my skateBjörk and Björk my arm. At dinner, I picked up my Björk and spoon to eat some Björk Björked beans but my mother told me, “No elBjörks on the table,” to which I promptly replied, “Björk off bitch.”

        • Quick DIY tip… If you want to save time on stripping wallpaper when doing a decorating job, put a Bjork CD on: and the noise will make all the wallpaper peel off the walls…

          But don’t play her too loudly… The neighbours will think it’s the four minute warning…

          • Big time sensuality is a great song luv that dancebeat. Say what you want about Björk norm but shes a million times better then Lily allen and if thats true about the wallpaper then I look at that as a plus

            And unlike Lily Mong I can actually name a handful of songs I enjoy by her, even tho shes a spastic icelandic nutcase sometimes

            And who cares if she wore a swan dress to the grammys shes got more personality then those other stuckup musicians swan dress fucking brilliant lol

  6. Real pubs are dropping like flies, leaving only those bland plastic “family restaurants” (which I personally despise). Would it be paranoid to suggest that maybe all this has been deliberately engineered?
    It all seemed to start in around 1997…

    • Glad I wasn’t in UK at the time so cant take any of the blame.
      1997 the year the floodgates opened – immigration, asylum, benefits for all, (don’t want to work – go on, have some benefits and the lazy cunt who lives with you can have some too as your carer) accusations of racism for anyone questioning policy, billions down toilet on education and NHS with nothing to show for it, multiculturalism (or monoculturalism if of the peaceful persuasion which most new arrivals were.) We need Blair back to sort this country out again.

        • I would pay the 500 quid to stand in the constituency Blair contested. Every question would be answered “Mr Blair, found those weapons of mass destruction yet?” The look on the cunt’s face would be worth losing the 500.

  7. Sam Smith’s pubs are curious affairs. Every drink they sell in there is Sam Smith’s even things like vodka, whisky, gin and brandy, etc.

    Their Pale Ale (in a bottle) is ok but the other stuff isn’t great.

    There’s a couple of Sam Smith’s gaffs near me about a mile apart, one in the town centre and the other on the outskirts.

    The one in the town centre is unrecognisable to what it was as it’s now all gastro-pub-esque and attracts fuckwits who think that’s cool (business types at lunchtime, pretentious types in the evening, and cunt types with their Poppys and Tristans at weekends). To add insult to injury you can’t even get a bag of scratchings in there anymore instead – on my last ever time in there, the first after this change – I was asked if I would like some Sahara Chilli Nuts from some machine instead! FFS!

    The other on the outskirts is still spit and sawdust with regular drinkers playing darts, dominoes but that too was destined for “refurbishment” in the near future (i.e. ruin it).

    Now Sam Smith’s may think they’re onto something here but what I don’t think they realise is that:

    a) The business types will have a coffee and a butty and bang it on the exes.

    b) The pretentious types of an evening are usually “well loaded” on offy booze before getting there, use it as a meet-up place before fucking off to some nightclub after 10mins or so.

    c) Mummy & Daddy cunt with Poppy and Tristan are usually driving and they’ll have one drink or a coffee and nurse the fuck out of that until there “2 for 1 and kids eat free” meals have finished.

    In the other pub you had around 25 blokes (in the bar alone) and each consuming between 4 and 6 pints in a session (at least) not to mention the odd chaser and copious bags of crisps, scratchings and nuts consumed.

    What’ll happen is that the fancy-dan Smith’s pubs will lose their shine, become tatty, they’ll stop doing food (as no one is buying it anymore) and – once the pretentious fucktards fuck off – the local “drinkers” will return again and it will go back to being a pub for ordinary folk who want a drink!

    Idiots!

    • I don’t know who Mcmullen are but they make horrible bitter, got one of their outlets near me, and everything has a brioche bun with it, which I also don’t like.
      I don’t like the customers either or the staff for that matter , I only go there when I have my mates kids with me for the simple reason that if I get barred because of them it wont be a loss.

  8. I’m not saying the women who drink in my local pub are ugly….but there’s a paper bag machine in the gents….

    • … I wouldn’t say our local is rough .. ‘The Fiddlers Arms’ .. it’s a vile inn, … but even the arms on the chairs have tattoos …

  9. Only a couple of proper pubs left near me when there used to be loads…. The Frigate, The Bay Horse, and The Lord Clive are still around (just), but so many (The Dragon, The Prince Albert, The King, Masons Arms etc) are long gone…. Another crime to add to Blair’s long list… Blair is a massive cunt…

  10. The family friendly restaurants where you can get 2 frozen 3 course microwave meals for 10 quid all washed down with some fizzy piss with a foreign sounding name but which is actually manufactured ( I won’t say it is brewed ) in a chemical plant down the road while relaxing in the mock traditional ambience to a blearing soundtrack of what ever musical mong is popular that day competing with a chorus of screaming kids in the company of council estate dole scroungers called Shane splashing their gyro while his missus Chantelle is on her iphone 6 organising another pay day loan to pay off the last pay day loan punctuated only by “Our Becks and Beyoncé, leave that dog’s arse alone” ARE NOT PUBS!!!

  11. Samuel Smiths beer is only average, there are much better beers around these days. Beer is just about the only thing I miss about the UK so I brew my own from scratch. Once you have the equipment, which you can make yourself mostly, it only costs about 40p a pint for top quality beer.

    • I have a Grainfather mini brewery and brew from scratch as well. I really am a boring cunt when I start to drone on.

      • Grainfathers are great, but mega expensive. Most of my kit is home made apart from my 24 plate wort cooler. I’m a tight cunt.

        • I have a 25 litre reflux still, I am a bigger cunt than both of you, (and piss artist too)

    • They tried to ban smoking in South African pubs and restaurants in about 1998.In a country where the blacks are permanently off their skulls on Dagga (A type of weed) even at work. Where nowhere is safe from murderous cunts the wonderful enlightened government decided it was one thing they could actually police. This was about the time that Mbeki was saying Aids was a western myth and beetroot and garlic could cure it.
      My local pub took the legislation to heart. A notice was put up saying ‘ Non smoking area outside’

  12. This is why they used to have a bar and a lounge in pubs, before they knocked all the walls down and turned them into food pubs full of fucking misbehaving brats that make you want to swear when they go past on a scooter and spill your beer the cunts…..better off banning kids from pubs

    • Too true. Many schools these days are 100% w@g. But overcrowded schools have nothing to do with immigration, apparently.

      • You’re correct, Skidders. Schools rammed with kids unable to speak basic English while their mothers scream at them outside in Romanian and teachers have to deal with huge classroom disparity has nothing to do with immigration.

  13. Branson bankrolls Gina Miller’s bid to oust Brexit MPs with £25,000?…

    That beardy cunt is usually as tight as a camel’s arse in a sandstorm… Wonder what he got out of it?… I bet Banana Gob’s arse will be red raw (baboon style) until after Christmas now…
    Best For Britain?!? The Banana Tree Trollop isn’t even British! This whore should be charged with high treason, bribing the electorate, and anything else they can throw at the slag….

        • I’m proud to say that, as of Sunday night, our household will no longer have it’s internet provided by Beardy Cunt Branson. Fuck him and Virginmedia too…

          “Space shuttle of doom”
          Love it…

          • Gina is Pro EU Soros puppet why do you think shes so heavily promoted?. This plan branson has, had it for awhile now its finally being implemented and what better time since May called for re elections?!

  14. If old Diclkie Boy has struck a ‘deal’ with Miller, it would be fitting… She’s got the face of a baboon, now she’ll have an arse to match….

    • Gina, Beardy and Blair get marooned on a desert island.
      After a few months they realize that they are not going to be rescued. So they decide to do what comes naturally and let nature take its course.
      After 5 years Gina is disgusted with herself.
      So she commits suicide.
      Beardy and Blair decide to do what comes naturally and let nature take its course.
      After 5 years they are disgusted with themselves.
      So they bury Gina.

  15. A classic quote my me old man back in 1968 when a load of my teenage wannabe biker mates were outside our house one day talking amongst themselves :

    “This ain’t the back streets of bloody Birmingham! We don’t want none of your bloody swearing round here and if you don’t like it you can bugger off!”

    Word for word. Kid you not. Never forgotten it…

  16. Some snowflake cunt interrupts the UKIP GE campaign launch spouting the usual leftist rubbish; “RACIST”! How many times do we have to see these cunts use the R word and completely shut down a conversation? And yet Sky News, far from ignoring the little cunt or even exposing his bullshit have framed their entire coverage of the event around the rantings of someone who had no right to be there with the intellectual capacity that would make lilly the musical mong seem like a Nobel prize winner. They have even taken to asking each and every guest that comes on today if they think UKIP is racist, a bit like asking if someone is a wife beater. The question frames the narrative. What a load of cunt!

  17. People who don’t use their car indicators are cunts.
    You’re strolling down the road and come to a small turn-off, although you wish to continue. Cars stream by, none indicating, so you cross, only to be met by a deafening horn sound and an astonished-looking driver mouthing furious profanities.

    Hear me out, chaps. I know what you’re thinking. Captain Magnanimous, can you be serious? In a world where people are committing mass murder for a mythical ghost living in the clouds? At a time where democratically-elected MPs are standing in the way of democracy and a democratically-made decision? Are they worse than the pikeys who pervade our land, mocking decent, tax-paying people? Are they worse than the festering Iron-Curtains who swarm in, cheat, steal, pollute the towns and cry “Racism!” when they can’t get their way?

    I hear you, are they worse than the Polish kitchen-fitters endlessly doing shoddy jobs whilst moaning how great Poland is? Are they more loathsome than Albanian drug dealers, Bulgarian fruit-pickers or Romanian benefit tourists? Are they fouler than the Lithuanian lorry drivers smuggling people through customs and contributing to our bulging society? Are they more contemptible than the Slovak brothel-owners who chain their hussies to radiators lest they escape? Can they really be worse than those unelected, spineless gangsters in Brussels forever scheming fresh methods to bleed the UK of its finance?
    Not better, not worse, just the same: Cunts.

    Is it really so difficult to push up or pull down that indicator arm? Are you really that bone-fucking-idle that it’s too much trouble to move your finger the inch off the steering wheel? Or are you truly so arrogant, so high-and-mighty, so fucking delusionally-imperious that you feel too important to bother with them? I think the punishment for non-use shouldn’t be a fine; it shouldn’t be a prison sentence; it should be a series of electric shocks that deteriorate the body and weaken the brain. Then banned from driving for life, naturally.

    They’re called ‘indicators’ for a reason, cock-nugget! They fucking indicate what you’re going to do.
    Cunts.

  18. Sadly I reckon the real pub is now laid in the dust. It’s all about cuntishness these days and these cunting “family friendly” places climb on my arse. I fucking loathe other people’s bastard cunt kids who run amok in a pub, as if it’s a cunting playgroup. Kids that behave are as rare as finding dragon shit.

    Note to modern new age hipster “God we’re so special” parents: Get to cunt and don’t bring your carpet-fuck results to a quiet pub where good folk are trying to unwind and have a quiet drink…especially after 8pm for the love of fresh wank.

    Go and tuck little Charlotte Pancetta and Rupert Dandysocks into bed and then cunt off. Christ’s sakes just no.

    • Quite right, TV. One of the many reasons I hate fucking kids is because there’s pretty much nowhere you can go these days, outside of your own home, where you don’t run the risk of being accosted by other people’s bastard offspring. You’d think an adult drinking venue would be a prime candidate for a kid free zone. It was when I was a kid. If memory serves, you had to be 14 to even physically be in a pub and even then had to be accompanied by an adult. By age 14, you’re hopefully not going to be running amok anyway, but still. These days, pubs fucking cater to the vermin.

      Yeah, yeah, yeah it’s not the kids’ fault – it’s the parents. I get it. But as I always say, if I ate at McDonalds I would not complain about the clientele or the noise. However, when I’m at an up market restaurant at gone 8PM at night, trying to enjoy an expensive meal and beverage, I shouldn’t be forced to hear other people’s bastard babies/toddlers squawking at the tops of their lungs.

      • Too right IY. The religion of cunt tries to make us all believe that we should tolerate other people’s vile spawn. I cant, don’t and won’t tolerate the little cunts when they scream at the height of their lungs and act like the carbon-copy-cunts of their over-entitled arsehole parents.

        I care not for other people’s kids, and what evaporates my piss is the fact that these cunt parents believe their darling pondlife offspring should be auto-entitled to run mayhem in every public place. They’re welcome to do that on an MOD weapons-testing range if they want to.

  19. Blokes + beer + debate will inevitably lead to the odd swear. It’s the way of the world. Glad I’ve never tried Sam Smith’s beer and now I never will. Cunts.

    Treasure your (real) pubs, my UK based cunting pals. A proper pub is one of the things I miss most about being marooned out here in Yankland. Walking into your favourite watering hole, ordering a pint, packet of cheese ‘n’ onion, then sitting down by an open fire to enjoy said pint, a chat and some peace and quiet. Ahhh bliss. Out here we get fucking ‘sports bars’ which have loud music blaring out the whole time and dumbass Yanks trying to ‘out loud’ each other. Like conversation has suddenly turned into a competition. It’s like a fucking 747 taking off it’s so obnoxious. Going out for a quiet pint is absolutely impossible in this country. When you do find somewhere that serves an English beer (usually Boddingtons or Newcastle Brown Ale), the ignorant cunts run it through the same arctic cooling system they use for their watered down chemical piss like Bud Lite or whatever wank fest they have on tap. So instead of enjoying a decent pint straight away, you have to let it sit for 20+ minutes so it can warm up a bit and actually have some flavour.

    Was in the local ‘liquor store’ the other day – off license to normal people – and always enjoy a bit of slightly too loud banter with the Mrs. I’ll say “where do they keep the real proper beer darling?”. She’ll say, “Is there some in the cooler where you’re standing?”. Then just as some dip shit local reaches for a case of Bud/Coors/Miller/etc., I’ll say, “No, that’s the bottled water section”. Some of the looks I get are priceless. Has to be done though.

    • Met a Swedish guy called Sture while spectating at last year’s TT and he was drinking cans of Bud Lite. After confronting him about his choice of beverage, he said that was all that was left in the village shop, as more discerning bikers had bought the good stuff. Not a bad defence, which became better when he asked “Do you know why this beer is like making love in a canoe?” “No” I said. ” It’s fucking close to water” he replied.

  20. Why would cunts take their kids to a pub?
    Fuckin fights happen in pubs.

    It happens out here all the time with ex pats taking their kids along, get right and truly pissed and when it kicks off they whinge that some cunt was being a cunt in front of the kids.

    Its a fuckin pub, man.

  21. If Wetherspoon banned swearing and fat, Stella drinking single mothers with their loud snotty brats using the pub like a crèche, the places would shut down.

    My local one is a fucking disgrace, populated by drunk women shouting down their (benefits funded) iPhones at either the DSS or the absent father. If they didn’t do decent ale at decent prices I’d Jack the place off, but the cunts keep drawing me back in.

    Nothing to do with liking beer a little too much…

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