Valentines Day

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A little late perhaps but romantic soul that I am I completely forgot about it

It was not until I pulled up at the garridge to get a spot orf red diesel for me old motor that I noticed buckets orf red roses and piles orf very classy red velvet love heart chocolate boxes. Clearly something up. Has Comrade Corbyn perchance snuffed it? Quick check orf Deadpool on cuntphone but no such luck. Failed to twig until I got to the till. Old slapper that jockeys fuel batted her lashes and shoved some Valentine cards at me. £3.95 a pop. Fuck that. I shall do what I usually do and wait until tomorrow and buy up a spot orf wooing gear half price. Have never wasted any money orn the wifey but I do have a little bit orn the side, namely the undergardener’s daughter. Ah Chloe my love, tits on her like a harvest orf marrows and a minge that smells orf new mown hay. I might have a touch orf emphysema but I need no oxygen when I am down there – and what a way to die. And as a prelude I shall present her with a stunning bunch orf half price red roses. I know, call me a romantic old cunt but such is life in all its shite and glory.

Motoring back through toine the streets were alive with ardent swains clutching their bunches orf Tesco roses and their tottering high heeled slappers girly giggling piss drunk with love pink sausage balloons around their necks twisted into love hearts and pierced by arrows shaped like a bull’s cock. Oh yes,classy place rural Herefordshire. Confess I was tempted by the candle lit two for one romantic dinner in the local pizza joint. But all this commercialised yank crap should come with a health warning orn every strawberry flavoured condom and bottle orf over priced Valentine Prosecco. Love’s Young Dream has a very short shelf life. Listen young man while old Sir Limply acquaints you the real facts orf life.

I put before you the period and the menopause. If you survive one you are unlikely to survive the other. Sir Limply suggests that you keep a campaign diary so that you have some chance of predicting in the mayhem orf marital life when it is most judicious to decamp to the pub and stay there. Young man, you cannot fight fate. Soon enough one day you will be badgered into putting your hand up there (after having been made to cut your nails) and once you have nearly put your elbow out orf joint will eventually withdraw to find your fingers covered in an odoriferous brown sticky liquid and little curly grey hairs. Thus fired up your inamorata will demand the full monty and you will be expected to service a very dry gulch. Such is the sunset orf loves sweet dream. Take it from an old campaigner you ardent young gentlemen, your cock will never be the same again. Happy Valentine.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

20 thoughts on “Valentines Day

  1. A fine fine tale…but young men being young men will no doubt take zero notice of your advice when it comes to the allure of coochie, been known to blind rational thinking in many a man doncha know….

       1 likes

  2. it all makes me sick,you should be able to just say to your woman in a simple way [how much do I have to spend to stop you from being a cunt]it another way for you to get fleeced like-mothers day,her birthday ,valentines day,fucking stupid wedding days that bankrupt you and for what if your lucky the screw that you have been missing twice a week for the last 5 fucking years,honestly by the time you tally it all up its cheaper and a shit site less hassle to get a hooker in for the nite at least you know what your going to get and she will then have the decency to fuck off and leave you in peace after you,ve shot your load……valentines day is a velvety red cunt and another reason you have to go out and try to make her feel loved for a day,if you don’t love everyday give up and see above

       10 likes

  3. Hey Rickie – Are you the same Dickie Doubleday that lives at Acrefield, Church Road Upton Norwich NR13 6AJ with a wife called Barbara?

    Just curious…

       9 likes

  4. Stephen Fry makes joke about bag lady at BAFTAS, immediately gets stick on Shitter by professional offence-takers, whereupon Fry accuses them of sanctimonious over-reaction… and then deletes his Shitter account, thereby demonstrating that he too is prone to a bit of infantile offence-taking and over-reaction.

    Fucking hypocritical fat cunt. I hope he tops himself soon.

       7 likes

    • He tweeted this then deleted his account “Will all you sanctimonious fuckers fuck the fuck off Jenny Beavan is a friend and joshing is legitimate. Christ I want to leave the planet”. He’s right though political correctness is a sick joke nowadays you can’t say anything without phony criticism. The same cunts criticising him are probably watching animal porn or worse. Twitter is a tumor infested gaping arse I hope the cunt who invented it gets aids #Clarkson For PM # SteakNotSoup

         5 likes

      • “He really needs to understand the benefit of, just occasionally, shutting the fuck up.” FFS he was the host, he didn’t say the bag lady comment on twitter he said it at the baftas award but yes he is a twitter whore. So maybe he deserved It, I dunno still think twitter and twitter users are a cancer

           3 likes

    • Yeah, it’s the total absence of self-awareness that makes me despise Fry even more. He complains about people on Twitter who are quick to take offence and overreact – and then deletes his Twitter account, showing that he’s quick to take offence and overreact…

      Still at least the planet will be spared his endless Tweets about “dear sweet friends” who have died.

         5 likes

  5. A fine cunting Sir L.

    Took the bull by the balls this year, after 32yrs of roses etc. something a little different:

    Across the front: ‘Some things just get better with age’

    Picture: 41/2lt Blower Bentley.

    I don’t think she was impressed.

    I’m a cunt, but with an eye for a fine car.

       2 likes

  6. A few years back I was out with my girlfriend(ex now thank fuck) I took her out for a nice romantic meal(kebab n chips) all night I had to listen about the fuckin spirit of Valentine’s Day and that I should’ve bought her roses aswell as the card(I did buy roses but I gave them to me ma). When we left the restaurant (kebab shop) we get approached by a thievin, beggin filthy Roma pikey cunt who’s sellin red roses. He asks me if I want one for my lady “it five Yuro sir” he says, so me being the gentle soul that I am, says to him “stick ur roses up ur cunt ye fuckin gypo cunt, we’ve enough to filth in this country with our own gypos without havin to pay for you cunts” So my lady not to happy with my valentines spirit starts too(being the silly cunt that she was an probably still is)pull out her purse an low and behold the gypo snatches it an runs off down the road. I look at her an laugh an says “there goes ur fuckin valentine spirit with ur purse ye silly cunt.” Needless to say that was the last Valentine’s Day we spent together.

       7 likes

  7. A cunting is on its way to Stephen Fry who after dishing it out at the BAFTAS last night has once-a-fucking-gain flounced off off Twitter as he couldnt take it himself. Cunt.

       2 likes

    • Good. Yet another self-indulgent prog about his bipolar bollocks to be forced down the gullible public this week. They should give him Great High Speed Railways as a project in the hope he’d step in front of one. Or some Gillette adverts. Twat.

         2 likes

  8. As funny as fuck aussie comedian Jim Jefferies says:-

    For men Valentines Day is a mathematical equation that goes something like this:-

    How much money do I have to spend so that you don’t act like a cunt?

       2 likes

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