Cinema advertising


May I offer cinema adverts as a cause worth cunting?

I went to the pictures this afternoon and due to the misleading timing information provided by the good people at Vue, I had to sit through what seemed to be hours of cunting adverts. As I’m guessing that most people fast forward through adverts at home, I feel very irritated at being forced to sit through these before I could see the film I’d paid to watch.

And every advert was fucking wank. Without exception.

Nominated by: Guardian Hater

( Yes! You really can get a rivetting DVD of old Pearl & Dean cinema ads. It’s on my Christmas list! Ed. )

66 thoughts on “Cinema advertising

  1. But, without the Pearl & Dean tune it just wouldn’t be the flicks. Can we keep the tune as….is not a Cunt?

  2. Cinema adverts in general yup, well worth a cunting although I do remember the odd exception.

    I want the Pearl n Dean music as i’m rolled into the cremation fire…and then the voice over that tells you where the nearest wank curry house is!

    • God they still play that jingle before the movie’s? I wouldn’t know because they don’t make good movie’s anymore so I wouldn’t bother going. As for adverts that a given usually 10-25 minutes of trailers. I’d complain to management you’re going pay to see the film not a bunch of shite previews.

  3. Id like to Nominate Sharm El Sheikh

    Not the place as it is a cunt infested shithole anyway. But the cunts that pack into the cheapest deal possible to get to a beach, facebook selfies of them eating 2 cent burgers and kababs, but not then wander why they cant get home as some raghead has taken out 240 souls switching bags at the airport.

    And blaming the charter cheap airline, airport employees, the UK and in fact anyone but themselves, that they cannot get home.

    Egypt. It started the Arab Spring, its overthrown a government, jailed Media who try to prove what cunts the are, Sharm has had a terrorist bomb PRIOR to ISIS but cunts love it as its cheap and its sunny.

    Heres some advice for these people. Its cheap for a reason – and though you say you feel as safe there as you do in the Tube of London, here is the price for not going to a normal part of the world for a safe holiday.

    You kids will hate you from now on as well.

    Fuck Egypt, Fuck Sharm El Sheik and any person that goes there.

    • PS Good cunting for Pearl and Dean (And my closing note above should have said Your Kids, not You kids)

    • Fuck me I was thinking of this today. Sharm El Fucking Sjeik is simply Butlins for cunts with a bit more money. Most of them buy-to-let “investors”. Spend your “earnings” on something good? Decent book? Nice painting? No, go and sit on the beach with a lot of leathery cunts. Ditto going to Dubai. The cunts.

  4. not been for years. last time i went, there was a bunch of yobbos having loud conversations on their phones, hardly watching the film at all. why can’t they just ban the use of the fuckin things in cinemas?

    • Last time I went was to see War of The Worlds (the remake) with my girlfriend. That little cunt Dakota Fanning ruined it for me with her constant fucking screaming, and cunts telling me to shush because I mentioned the screaming to my girlfriend, fucked me off even more. Some cunt in a duffle coat gave a long cunty ‘SHUSH’ – I picked the cunt up with one hand, and his food went everywhere, which ended up with us being asked to leave. Cunt, I went there to watch a film, that bulbous nosed cunt was crunching down popcorn like a pig eating coal. Next time we go I’m taking a pickaxe handle or a baseball bat with me, funny though, she hasn’t asked me since.

      • It’s years since I went to the cinema, I got sick of people’s noise and having the back of my seat kicked. And it’s often cheaper to buy a used copy of the DVD when it comes out, which you can watch as many times as you like.

  5. Thanks for that Norman, they tore our local cinema The Roxy down not long ago. It was known as the Hollinwood Bowl.

    • Film on and a bag of nuts and the icecream lady has fucked off
      or being ugly mary millingnton Come play with me and getting wrecked downtown or the other way around lol

  6. Ticket sites are undisputed cunts… A matter of hours after Stone Roses tickets went on sale those bastards at are flogging them well over their face value… If someone does this outside Old Trafford they are viewed as a tout… And that’s all these sites like Ticketmaster and Get Me In are: just touts who want to hoover up as much money as possible… The band themselves could find a better way and help stop fans getting ripped off… Didn’t Led Zeppelin in their early years used to sell their tickets through their fan club and therefore their fans got first pickings and at face value? I like The Roses as a band and as people… I just hope they don’t turn into another Eagles: just doing their greatest hits for enormous amounts of cash…

    The upcoming gigs are also at The Etihad Stadium…. Fuck that… Surely the Arena would have been a better venue?

  7. No Norman this was actually in Hollinwood next to motorway junction. I know the one you mean, its still standing, now a cleaning supplies place.

  8. I know I’m new here, but I have viewed the site for ages, and I would like to nominate Benedict Cumberbatch. Daft trollops wanting to commit suicide because he’s got married, for fucks sake, this man is just a complete cunt of the highest order, and why so fucking posh?

    For what I can work out using the internet, and old VHS tapes, his sister is married to Rodney Trotter, his mum is a bossy old tart who drives around in futuristic cars from the 1970s, and his dad is a bloke who owns a printing firm and a limousine company hiring out old Ford Granada’s.

    I also found out that his dad’s been in nick, and also buys old dodgy mobile phones off someone called Arthur Dailey, Arthur bloody Dailey, the biggest used car salesman in north London.

    • Benadryl Cummerbund definitely needs a cunting. Yet another rich born left wing twat, who thinks he has a god given right to lecture people on the need to bring an unlimited number of ‘refugees’ to the UK. Which is what he did at the end of his Hamlet gigs. If I’d been at one of those performances, I’d have got up and walked out as soon as the Hamlet bit was over.

      It’s all very well shouting “FUCK THE GOVERNMENT” (very classy by the way), and demanding that more foreign parasites be allowed to permanently settle in the UK. But people like Bendydick were born into privilege. They’ve never lived in the areas that these so called refugees get sent to. They’ve never seen the disruption, or the tensions it’s caused with the indigenous people, because nobody asked if they WANTED a bunch of, mostly, aggressive and hostile strangers to bring their alien culture to a long established community.

      The only experience cunts like Benzadrine Cuntflaps have of immigrants, come from the fucking au pairs, maids and cleaners they hire on the cheap. The worst of them, are those like Geldof and Cooper-Balls. They both offered to put up a Syrian ‘refugee’ family in their own homes. Now that the fuckers are over here, Geldof and Cooper-Balls have both been strangely silent on that issue. Cooper-Balls was interviewed over the phone by Nick Ferrari on his radio show a few weeks back. All was going well until Nick enquired about her promise to house a refugee family. The line suddenly went dead. Refugees welcome? Only until she has to keep a promise.

      • Benedict Humperdinck is such a cunt that he has his real mum and dad in Sherlock… Martin Freeman is even more of a cunt, because he has his horrible girlfriend in Sherlock (the horrendous Amanda Abbington… Already recently cunted by me)…

        • How about a Directors Cut edition of “Star Trek Into Darkness” where the entire crew of the Starship Enterprise lines up behind Mr Spock, cracking their knuckles and saying “Me next to punch Cumberposh”…

        • What do you expect, nepotisim runs deep in the hearts of Bolinger Bosheviks like those two in Sherlock. Shitlock more like. Cunts.

        • I was talking to my Mum about how much he annoyes me the other day, and she said that she was sure that she had seen him in Heartbeat. I though that such a posh cunt like him wouldn’t lower itself, so I checked on IMDb.

          Not only has the cunt been in it three times, I go and find out that he also played Stephen Hawking in Hawking, a film that I watched on BBC2 about ten years ago. I liked that fucking film too, for what I can remember. Still, I also found out that he’s also known as Benedikuto Kanbâbatchi, Longfaced Cunt, and That Cunt off Star Trek.

      • Hamlet Shmamlet.

        Actors have to be the most overrated cunts going. All they do is recite the lines some one else had the talent to write, trouser a fortune for doing it and then have the fucking audacity to preach to the great unwashed regarding issues which will never effect them. Bit like priests really….

  9. Chinese tourists are total cunts.

    Over the last month or two I have been working in the west end and have been exposed to these irritating short arse twats.

    I never really noticed them until a couple of run ins involving queues and queuing etiquette.

    The first encounter came when I was topping up my Oyster card at the underground station. For those unfamiliar with the system, you put your card on the machine reader, decide how much you want to top up with, stick your bank card in, key the code and then put the Oyster card on the reader again and its job done.

    On this occasion this is not the way it went down at all.

    I rock up to the machine, put my card on the reader, select £20 worth of top up and go to stick my bank card in the slot.
    No sooner than my back is turned from the main screen, some little slanty eyed fuckwit slips in behind me and starts pressing the buttons, cancelling my purchase, seemingly oblivious to the concept of other peoples personal space and bank card security.

    I turn and face the cunt and start the process again, this time with a look of grim determination. Just as I am about to stick in my bank card the twat does the same thing again. Now I am getting pissed off, I body barge the rice bowl out of my personal space a couple of steps backwards, slap the Oyster card on the reader, select £20, turn to put my bank card in the slot and there is a mini chink fucking about with the buttons on the card payment machine. A swift shove with my hip sees it off out of the way and I complete my purchase……..totally forgetting to get a receipt. Thats me £20 down on my expenses. Cunts!!!

    The second run in came in the Barbour shop on Regent street.
    I only went in to get the wife a birthday present and nearly started a full scale riot.

    Having found what I wanted in the shop, I went looking for a sales girl to get it in the right size, problem is an entire coach load of chinks had already cornered her and were busily buying up pretty much everything in the shop, while sending her back and forth to check on what colours were left in the store room via a translator.

    On her way into the store room I asked if she had the wife’s present in a size 10. Two minutes later she emerges with the right size and I make my way to the till to pay.
    Till staff fold the garment stick it in a bag and ring up the price. Just as I go to stick my credit card in the machine, some fucking rice bowl shoves my bag out of the way, dumps about 20 items on the counter and gets between me and the card machine.
    This time it isn’t a gentle body check to back the cunt off, it’s a full scale shove which sends the ignorant cunt 6 feet backwards into the rest of his party. Much howling and gnashing of teeth follows from the chink contingent as I have just shoved their grand poobah accross the floor. Furthermore, it looks like he wants a row.
    Luckily for the little cunt, the security guard steps in front of me as I was about to swing for it.
    I am invited to pay for the wife’s present and then kindly leave the premises….or do we have to call the police?

    If you want to come to my country, please observe our love of queuing, our cherished personal space and my particular abilty to go from 0 to raging fucking psycho in about two seconds flat.

    You will live longer that way you ignorant chinky fuckface cunts!

    • The chinks are infamous around the world for their lack of respect and manners. One of my American cousins experienced something similar to your Barbour experience, although we were in Harrods at the time. That one ended with the Chink being punched in the face. No decent person walks up to a counter, when they can clearly see that someone is already being served, and demands to be served first. I’m surprised my cousin wasn’t arrested to be honest, but the Harrods staff were surprisingly sympathetic.

      If the arrogant, dog eating cunts can’t behave in a civilised manner, they should fucking well stay in China. Russian tourists aren’t much better. They seem to think they’re superior to everyone else. Anyone noticed how Russian men seem to be the ugliest fuckers on the face of the Earth?

      • Yeah, Russian cunts are just as bad if not worse than the slopes, pushing in queues, barging past you in the street, wanting to be served first at the bar, taking up all the sunbeds. Worse than the fucking Germans. However some of the cunts look quite tasty so I wouldn’t have a go myself.

        Its funny, the Yanks are courteous to a fault but have a wankstain of a president……

  10. True, the modern cinema ads are getting to be as long as the film and why don’t they turn off the lights anymore? That said, Pearl and Dean back in the 70’s had some seriously funny ads even if you were never going to buy anything (or had never heard of the “local” shop/take away). This one is one of my all time favourites and would NEVER be permitted now.
    Sometimes the advert was better than the film…

    • Fekin classic.

      Can you see the day coming when all and sundry have to apologize for daring to produce such content. ♫♪ Camptown races dem five mile long , do dah, do dah…………. ♫♪ What? I’ll add myself to the list then.♫♪ O’dem golden slippers….. ♫♪ In fer a penny…………………

  11. I used to love Bonfire Night as a kid

    One year, myself and my mate thought we had pulled of the perfect “penny for the guy scam”.

    Mickey being a little bit small for his age, so perfect for him to play the guy, a bit of strategically placed straw and a mask cut out from the back of a cornflakes packet (they must have done a promotion that year) and we were onto a good thing.

    Made a little bit of cash, and was all going well, until Mickey decides to move, then all hell breaks loose, some daft biddy had hysterics , but anyway we got rumbled

    But society has changed, we all used to get one of those standard fireworks boxes, and everyone used to pool their resources and go to one of your mates houses, I think everyone had a turn.

    Now every cunt acts alone trying to outdo every other cunt recreating the first day of the battle of the Somme

  12. To my shame, I arrived way on time to see les mis pluss advertising, I found myself wedged against the wall with a good score plus of film goers between me and the porcelain throne. Despite a few drinks and a large coffee I managed to make it to the civil disturbance sort of close to the end, at that point I had no choice but to exicute what I can only describe as a tactical wee. Very successful in all parts except our departure when my girlfriend took my supprisingly full coffee cup, in fact magical coffee cup seeing as I finnished it off in the first 5 mins of the film, but here it was full and warm again! That took some explaining since I had held her hand through the film.

  13. Yes the cultural gravitational pull of Manchester is so strong that even megastars such as Sid Little and Daniel O’Donell cannot resist the magnetic pull of such a cornucopia of aesthetic delights. Its banging here.

    • Even Van Halen’s David Lee Roth has a place in Manchester (he has Mancunian relatives)… I also remember when Nico (as in Velvet Underground and) lived in Whalley Range… Of course Morrissey fucked off years ago and embraced cockernee culture (and West Fucking Ham!), but that’s because he’s a cunt….

      • I bloody miss Manchester. That is, I miss the Manchester of my memories, warts and all. In all honesty it was the warts which made it unique and when I was wandering around there back in the sixties and seventies it had quite a few of them.
        One of the places I remember fondly was Sunday Lunch up at the Railway Hotel on Liverpool Street. Run by an Irish family it was by far the most welcoming and friendly place I had ever been in, even though we were in the height of the troubles at the time.
        The rest of the area had been largely cleared by then, partly by Goering in the early forties but equally destroyed by the council in later years. Central Station was still up and you could wander through its dereliction as well as the old mills. Shops along the streets still had their charm.
        Go along the ‘centre’ these days you may as well be in any other city in the UK. Everywhere it is the same shop chains selling the same mass produced ‘designer’ exclusivity.
        I drove through the centre of Manchester last month, south to north, and though some glimpses of nostalgia still remain they are very few and very neglected, dwarfed under concrete blocks that have no use to anyone except the few permitted entry. Red Bank is very different to how I remembered it; just a fingerprint of how it was back then and something that fills me with mixed feelings.

        • Barnaby. Have you read: The Manchester Man? Set in the time of Peterloo. Takes a few pages to get into the language, but well worth the effort.

          • No I haven’t read it but will search it out. Getting into the vernacular shouldn’t be a problem.
            Cheers King.

        • I agree, Barnaby… Alll these cunts who say that Manchester improved after the IRA bomb are talking bollocks… Now it’s The Triangle (The Corn Exchange as was), Cannon Street is now inside, and the place is full of corporate crap like Starbucks and Harvey Nichols… Piccadilly’s once famous sunken gardens are replaced by stupid water features and a Berlin Wall type monument… The city centre has been sanitised and yuppiefied… It’ll always be my hiome, but it’s far more poncey and inauthentic than the place I knew and loved… And don’t even get me started on that foreign cunt who ‘gives’ people flowers in bus and train stations and then asks in English for two quid… Fuck off….

    • yeah not bad she has a kate bushy kind of sound but I could do without the synthsizers or whatever that weird sound was from 2: 20-39 .In fact it sounds almost better then plants version (not a huge zep fan but I really like about 13 songs). Heard there was a unpaid royalty dispute over that song shame.

      • My bad you meant horrible… yeah well you know what they say a joint and a lager and you’re more positive of the negatives. Still not a bad voice but the visuals and 90’s music video look slag off was pretty cringe worthy and silly looking.

  14. I agree the adverts are painful but just go to the cinema 20 minutes after the advertised start time…. It’s not that complicated! Adverts allow the cinemas to make some money (I don’t think the margins are that great compared to high operating costs) and they allow cinemas to show films which are unprofitable throughout the quiet parts of the day, upgrade screens and facilities etc

  15. Big families after ww2 you could wank a gadgie off at the abc and gaumont and earn a schilling pocket money lol

  16. Wankyness, Advertising talentless wankers!

    Oh your so unique! why dear how could you thought of this contrived shit all by yourself! Your all brown nosing cunts who are given ego massages by equally void of talent cunts! I bet the last time you felt creative you were walking around John Lewis in a reverse order!! just fuck of you cunts!!!! and cunting cunt off! cunts!!!

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