Professional Cyclists


How to become a professional racing cyclist sportsman in just 7 days, and earn £1 million per year, for just a £100 investment.

1) Buy a second hand racing bike from ebay (must have at least 10 gears). Can easily find a suitable one for minimum £70 including delivery charges.

2) Buy a plastic head-guard cycle helmet from toys are us. Cost about £5

3) Buy a pair of pooftah-gay lycra shorts and a plain coloured sweat-shirt from George at Asda. Total cost about £20

4) To stick onto your new sweat-shirt, buy a load of iron-on corporate-logo stickers from WH Smith. (Sky, Virgin or Coka-Cola ones are best). Cost: about £5

5) Become a racing cyclist amateur by joining any council-taxpayer sponsored rainbow-cycling sport club. Cost: free

6) Open an online twitter and facebook account and blog attention-seeking stuff (photos and You Tube videos of yourself} about your new sporty cycle-racing hobby.

7) If you’re the right looking cunt, the mainstream media sports hacks will notice you within a week. You will get sponsorship to be a professional cycle-racer, and race in the next Tour de France.

Nominated by: Entopy

8 thoughts on “Professional Cyclists

  1. Hey I’m a cyclist, and yet I can agree with some of those points, there is a clique of wannabe pros who go out every weekend, riding 6 abreast in an echolon to get the maximum wind-saving like they’re in the fucking Tour Def France.
    These cunts give all cyclists a bad name. I usually ride solo (or at most with another 3 or 4 people) – we are courteous, obey the highway code and even slow down for horses.

    So whilst I can agree with this cunting I have to say, we are not all bad, wannabe pro’s, some of us do it for fitness & fun!

    • Yeah, as a cyclist too I have to say we aren’t all bad …….. most of us are organ doners if there is anything left worth salvaging after the accident.

  2. can’t agree with this. i used to be a racing cyclist at a very low level. cycling is a tough tough sport, its the reason why its had such a drug problem, although it is getting better (honest).professional cyclists are the fittest athletes on earth. i feel sorry for chris froome, the uninformed will just assume he;s on drugs, i’m 99% convinced he isnt.

  3. Cyclists who ride on main roads despite cycle-paths running along side them are, in my opinion, responsible for the holocaust.

    • I quite agree. Ludicrous bastards.
      I enjoyed catching up with and cycling past one of these selfish wankers the other day. Him, all Lycra and all the gear, flash bike, up the road, blocking the traffic….me, in track shoes, shorts and tshirt and old bike, sniggering as I caught up with him and went by on the new dedicated cycle path……then I timed it perfectly to push the button and stop him at the lights as I crossed the road in front.
      The cunt

  4. Fair comment, but in the UK cycle paths are non-existent, and where they are present they are usually the shittiest part of the road that the council cannot be arsed to fix (potholes etc) so they paint some white lines, call it a cycle path and let the cyclists wreck their wheels.
    At least in Belgium they cater for cyclists, part of the path is for cycles, the way it should be.

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