As a change from obnoxious celebrities, arrogant jobsworths and arsewipe politicians, I would hereby like to nominate Frogs for a cunting.

No, not the ones across the Channel with the onions, Citroens and irregular bathtimes, but the green, hopping, croaking, ribbiting amphibian variety of Frog. They are without doubt the stupidest creatures on the planet. Allow me to explain.

Taking advantage of the recent warm, dry weather, Mrs B and myself decided to go to town on our overgrown garden, transforming it from a scruffy unkempt damp wasteland into a neatly trimmed area of neat grass with neat borders and a neat pathway, all topped off with a nice big shed so that yours truly can sit and drink gallons of tea, listen to Led Zep and tinker with my ancient motorcycles. The many frogs that had been lurking in the foliage were expected to migrate happily into the garden next door which is a student rental property and therefore has a garden that resembles the inner recesses of the Amazon. Instead the dopey little cunts (frogs not students) took to retreating under my shed, emerging only to get beaten up by the dog, or subjected to Gestapo style torture sessions, courtesy of the cat, that would impress Heinrich Himmler.

One daft little bastard even leapt into the whirling blades of my strimmer and got diced. Being the sort of chap who genuinely hates harming small creatures, I naturally found this somewhat disturbing. Froggy paradise lays only a short hop through the small gap in the fence to next door but the idiotic creatures seem to prefer living in the Froggy equivalent of Pork Chop Hill or The Western Front, which makes them stupid cunts with minimal survival instincts apart from playing dead, which gets them murdered slowly and brutally by man’s best friend anyway. Stupid little fuckers!

Of course the French are indeed cunts, as are students. And the SNP….. and Russel Brand…. and Piers Morgan… etc etc

Nominated by: Mr Bastard

14 thoughts on “Frogs

  1. I’m not usually pendantic but in your final paragraph I think you have erroneously mentioned some toads.

  2. Get some chickens!. you think the cats bad, wait till you see your hens bashing them against blocks to soften them up to swallow. oh and the traditional frog tug of war that they embark on.

  3. I am impelled to cunt the anglo-centric, sycophantic, foreigner hating, British punditry displayed by football ‘experts’ in the media. There has never been a more openly xenophobic collection of people than the ex-footballers and managers who get away with calling any professional who isn’t from these shores every stereotypical insult you can imagine.
    Some rank-average, overpaid cunt from Gillingham can be as lazy as he fucking likes, display no skill, not show any interest, get torn apart by his opposition and these wankers are completely petrified to throw DESERVED abuse at him just in case they bump into each other on the golf course the next day. “He’s clearly out of from Jeff”, “He’ll come good Steve, class always shines through in the end”, “When you join a new club you have to allow some time for settling in Alan”. I would say “He is fucking useless, get the lazy cunt off and sell him to some Conference team for a Dairy-lea triangle. The fucking prick.”
    Some fella from the hills of the Andes whose supporting about 60 of his extended family, has perfectly learnt a completely foreign language, acts like a total professional and treats all the staff and fans with respect has a dip in form for a fortnight or struggles to come to terms with a massively different pressure of expectation, and all of a sudden these fucking has-beens, and more than likely, never-have-beens spout shit like ‘He’s not up to it at this level’, ‘He’s only picking up the pay-cheque’, ‘Lads not interested’, ‘They’ve not got the mental toughness for the Premier League’. Fuck off you racist cunts and make yourselves busy by trying to finger the female presenters on Sky Sports News whilst regaling them with tales of the japes you had in Corfu one year with Dave Beasant.

    United got their arses handed to them the other week by Arsenal, and rightly so, they were shit. Two fullbacks were on show that day, Ashley fucking young and Matteo Darmian. They were both awful. Darmian got pulled to pieces by the likes of Redknob, Shitty Neville and that droning cunt Shearer. ‘He wasnt good enough’ and all that shit. ‘Needs to come to terms with the pace of the league.’ ‘Has a lot to learn if he wants to succeed at United.’ Young, on the other hand, whose plied his trade in the English game his entire life, and for 70% of that time been absolute fucking dog shit, with only one foot, was handed every possible excuse by his bum-buddies back in the studios. Eventually his dire display was put down to the fact that one of the best players in the world and a World Cup Winning captain (Schweinsteiger) wasnt helping him enough. No, he was shit because he’s shit, that day and practically every other day of his career, but I’m sure your expert opinions will ensure a Christmas card from Ashley this year and the chance of a tit pic from his wife on Facebook if you’re lucky.

    Last night I had to listen to one of the stupidest cunts to ever grace a football field (Ian Wright) aimlessly and without any real point defend the ability of the most over-rated sack of shit to pull on a United shirt, ever (Wayne Rooney).Some scholar had rung up to point out that Rooney has been dreadful for about 5 years, not once pulling a performance out against a team of any note whilst holding the biggest club in England to ransom and handing in a number of transfer requests. Wright was aghast that a Englishman could question Waynes quality, ignoring the facts that he’s had more opportunities than Jimmy Saville and relies on spot kicks for most of his goals. It was blind, patriotic shit that held no water when put under scrutiny, but this nonsensical arse-licking is rife from TV to radio to the Press.

    The only people who should be allowed to comment on football in this country are Gullit, Souness, Dietmar Hamann and myself. The rest can fuck off to after dinner speeches.


    Jamie Oliver

    This cunt is currently all over the media because he has introduced a 10p ‘tax’ on sugary drinks in his restaurant, Hang on, since when did Jamie Oliver become the Chancellor Of The Exchequer? How is he possibly able to introduce a ‘tax’?
    He has put up his prices, that is all.
    And as we all know, the tax on cigarettes, alcohol & petrol has made fuck all difference even though it increases more than inflation every year.

    It appears the fat Essex toad-faced cunt cannot get a TV series commissioned, so he dreams up this altruistic idea to make him look like a good guy, when all he has done is increase his fucking prices.

    What a monumental fat, speech impaired, anorexic fucking, greasy cunt.

    • Here, here! Who the fuck does this cretin think he is? The dickhead is always banging on about healthy eating – YES WE KNOW!!!! Sometimes we all just want to eat crap, get pissed and have a fucking good smoke because we fucking well LIKE IT!!

      If and when I have kids, I certainly won’t need some gobshite celebrity chef telling me how to raise them – us humans have been around for quite a while Jamie, I think we might just fucking manage a while longer within you whining at us every time we eat a fucking doughnut.

      Most of us eat out at restaurants as an occasional treat – well it would be the crowning turd in the waterpipe if I find you’ve fucking well taxed me for having a fucking sugar in my fucking coffee! I suppose the sumptuous 3 course meal you’ve just served me contains absolutely nothing bad for me whatsoever, you fucking bastard.

      Now get back in that fucking kitchen and stop telling everybody what to do! Cunt.

  5. Imagine being in the thame womb ath Jamie Oliver and Chrith Ewbank if they were having a chat. You would definitely have to wear a Thou’ wester! Probably drown if Woy Hatterthly wath there ath well! Oy! You taking the pith out of my lithp cunt?

  6. His restaurants are shite. Crap food with shite service. I speak from some experience. And his ‘Jamies Cafe’ at Gatwick is a joke. Burnt bacon, cold eggs. A sausage sandwich with no sausage in one side and what tasted like minge in the other.
    I shall not be returning to your vile outlets Mr Oliver. You are a crap food serving, fat tongued, pretend cockney ponce. And a massive cunt to boot.

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