Ah, Ridley Scott’s “historical” epic Kingdom of Heaven, a film notable for being more historically inaccurate than Braveheart. Praised as one of the finest historical epics of modern times, in reality Kingdom of Heaven is a massive cunt.

The whole film is one long love-letter to Islam, portraying the Christians as boorish extremists who only want to kill kill kill, and the Muslims as enlightened progressives, desperate to live in peace with their hairy-arsed neighbours across the Jordan.

There are just so many things wrong with that film’s telling of history, from its attempt to make the crusader states look like faction-ridden hell holes (when in actual fact the Kingdom of Jerusalem was much more stable than its Muslim neighbours, and Muslim peasants there fared better then they did in Muslim-ruled territory) to its portrayal of Europe as a backward 3rd-world toilet full of dumb yokels (when in actual fact European agriculture was considerably more advanced than that in the Middle East at the time, a fact bourn out by contemporary Muslim accounts of the advanced farming the Europeans brought with them to the Holy Land).

We could go into the gross over-simplification of the motives and actions of various Christian leaders such as Reynald de Chatillon and Guy de Lusignan, but the worst (and most telling) mis-portrayal of all characters is that of Saladin, who is portrayed as an enlightened leader tolerant of all religions, when in reality he was an implacable opponent of Christendom, who dedicated his whole life to jihad against the Crusaders and wasted no opportunity to launch raids and even invasions of his Christian neighbours.

Yes, if you want a film that over-simplifies history, insults our cultural and religious heritage, and goes out of its way to arse-lick Islam and its lily-livered PC apologists at every turn Kingdom of Heaven is for you!

Nominated by: Colin Murrays Brain